There is so much going on in my world, and it seems like there’s always something else to do, somewhere else to go. There are always some new skills I have to learn. There are new ways of doing my job, there are pressures upon pressures, stresses upon stresses. There’s the house that won’t sell, the bills that won’t pay themselves. And, honestly, there are days when to want to say to hell with it all and just give up.
Why don’t I? It’s because I can’t. I have to press on. There are people who are depending on me. There are too many people who believe in me for me to give up. It’s my closest friends who are my cheerleaders—the ones who keep me going. Yet, there’s another reason. It’s me. I can’t give up on myself. I’ve come too far in the last couple of years to allow myself to give up too easily. Certainly, I wish things were easier, I wish there weren’t the pressure from all angles of my life for everything to happen all at once.
Here’s my confession: I get so frustrated at the things in life sometimes. Yet, I know I have a support structure in place that will hold me up no matter the situation. I have good group of people I love and trust with me. So, I’ll wake up in the morning, the merry-go-round will still be going. I’ll climb back on, go for another thousand or so rounds and do it all over again and again. There will be some point out there for rest in the not too distant future. Oh, that there were only an easier way to accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished. My spirit, my soul, my body is tired and weary, but I press on for another day.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
WHAT I DID THIS SUMMER
Summer is drawing to a close, schools are back in session, and my blog has been sitting here neglected for a while. So, I've decided to dust off the blog, and, in so doing, like many school children, I'll write an essay about "What I Did This Summer".
I took up a new hobby this summer. I am learning to crochet. I've yet to complete a project, but I am getting close. I began learning while on my trip to North Carolina with friends in May and have been determined to learn and create since then. Crochet is an incredibly relaxing activity, and something I believe I've done every single day since mid-May. I have a couple of projects under construction at this point. Stay tuned, as I'll be posting pictures of the finished creations.
I've spent lots of time with Gray and Trent, two of the dearest people who have ever dropped into my life. They each bring gifts of love and joy to my life and we provide mutual sounding boards from which to vent.
The summer started with a bang with the signing of a contract on the house that Parker and I have been trying to sell for more than a year. Our dreams of non-home ownership were dashed when the couple purchasing the house backed out due to an announcement that Norfolk-Southern is planning to build a Railroad Hub just miles from the house. Back to the drawing board. There's been zero interest since then. The housing market will eventually recover, and I just have to take solace in the fact that, for whatever reason, THIS was not OUR time.
In July, I visited with my friends Lee and Jane in Kentucky for several days. That was a wonderful, relaxing break from the normal day to day. To think that I've been friends with these two wonderful people for 14 and 15 years is simply amazing.
I've set some challenges for myself to learn new music for the piano. I am learning and attempting for the first time to memorize a few classical pieces, and am looking to also learn some hymn arrangements. My ultimate goal is to do something I've never done before-to give a piano recital.
I had some firsts this summer. I attended my very first gay pride parade, I took a shot of Patron Tequila and I even used a lawnmower for the first time in years.
Here's my confession: This summer has gone by so quickly, but it's been a good one. I've been so incredibly blessed in the last year to have people who have welcomed me into their lives. There are a million things on my plate that I really want to accomplish. There are many things I want to change about myself. I think I am at a place in my life where I am at peace with being single. When and if the time comes, when and if "HE" comes along, the time will be right. Right now, I don't think, is the right time. And, after all these many years, I'm ok with that. I'm continually examining my spirituality. As I look at my life, especially over the last few months, I identify many areas where I need to focus on growing. I see many things I don't like, many situations that are, to me, less than ideal. Some of these things I can control. Others, I simply have to take one day at a time and hope for the very best of outcomes. Yet, all in all, I'm learning about me. I think that's what this summer has been about. As cliché as it sounds, each day is the beginning of a new journey. It's not about how I live from paycheck to paycheck, it's not about where I live. It's not about pains I've suffered or people I've lost in my life. It's not about stuff. At the end of the day, it IS about the people who surround me, who walk this journey with me. It's about the friends who act as cheerleaders to me...the ones who call me out when I miss the mark, and those who celebrate my successes along side me. It's really all about where I am right now in the journey—with an eye to the past and an eye to the future—but truly allowing myself to immerse myself in the here and now. And you know what? I'm liking what I see.
I took up a new hobby this summer. I am learning to crochet. I've yet to complete a project, but I am getting close. I began learning while on my trip to North Carolina with friends in May and have been determined to learn and create since then. Crochet is an incredibly relaxing activity, and something I believe I've done every single day since mid-May. I have a couple of projects under construction at this point. Stay tuned, as I'll be posting pictures of the finished creations.
I've spent lots of time with Gray and Trent, two of the dearest people who have ever dropped into my life. They each bring gifts of love and joy to my life and we provide mutual sounding boards from which to vent.
The summer started with a bang with the signing of a contract on the house that Parker and I have been trying to sell for more than a year. Our dreams of non-home ownership were dashed when the couple purchasing the house backed out due to an announcement that Norfolk-Southern is planning to build a Railroad Hub just miles from the house. Back to the drawing board. There's been zero interest since then. The housing market will eventually recover, and I just have to take solace in the fact that, for whatever reason, THIS was not OUR time.
In July, I visited with my friends Lee and Jane in Kentucky for several days. That was a wonderful, relaxing break from the normal day to day. To think that I've been friends with these two wonderful people for 14 and 15 years is simply amazing.
I've set some challenges for myself to learn new music for the piano. I am learning and attempting for the first time to memorize a few classical pieces, and am looking to also learn some hymn arrangements. My ultimate goal is to do something I've never done before-to give a piano recital.
I had some firsts this summer. I attended my very first gay pride parade, I took a shot of Patron Tequila and I even used a lawnmower for the first time in years.
Here's my confession: This summer has gone by so quickly, but it's been a good one. I've been so incredibly blessed in the last year to have people who have welcomed me into their lives. There are a million things on my plate that I really want to accomplish. There are many things I want to change about myself. I think I am at a place in my life where I am at peace with being single. When and if the time comes, when and if "HE" comes along, the time will be right. Right now, I don't think, is the right time. And, after all these many years, I'm ok with that. I'm continually examining my spirituality. As I look at my life, especially over the last few months, I identify many areas where I need to focus on growing. I see many things I don't like, many situations that are, to me, less than ideal. Some of these things I can control. Others, I simply have to take one day at a time and hope for the very best of outcomes. Yet, all in all, I'm learning about me. I think that's what this summer has been about. As cliché as it sounds, each day is the beginning of a new journey. It's not about how I live from paycheck to paycheck, it's not about where I live. It's not about pains I've suffered or people I've lost in my life. It's not about stuff. At the end of the day, it IS about the people who surround me, who walk this journey with me. It's about the friends who act as cheerleaders to me...the ones who call me out when I miss the mark, and those who celebrate my successes along side me. It's really all about where I am right now in the journey—with an eye to the past and an eye to the future—but truly allowing myself to immerse myself in the here and now. And you know what? I'm liking what I see.
Monday, July 27, 2009
SEARCHING FOR AUTHENTIC SPIRITUALITY
I just finished listening to Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. The book is absolutely amazing and speaks so completely to the search that I believe, if we’re being honest, truly speaks to the quest in each of us, to find our way to the Source, or “God”.
The journey to find God, and an authentic spiritual experience is something I’ve traveled for so many years. From childhood, as a Southern Baptist, I found peace in what I was taught, then along the way, I realized my true beliefs were incongruent with the teachings of my denomination. I shopped around a bit, stopped off briefly in the United Methodist Church and have spent the last decade as a Catholic.
I don’t discount the teachings of the Buddha or The Christ. In fact, I see how bits and pieces of the traditions truly compliment one another.
Here’s my confession: I love calling myself a Catholic, although my personal beliefs more likely resemble the teachings of the Episcopal church. Yet, I just seek to find peace and joy in my faith. God, the source, is bigger than our feeble minds can comprehend. Yet, I know I am going to experience an authentic experience of faith.
The journey to find God, and an authentic spiritual experience is something I’ve traveled for so many years. From childhood, as a Southern Baptist, I found peace in what I was taught, then along the way, I realized my true beliefs were incongruent with the teachings of my denomination. I shopped around a bit, stopped off briefly in the United Methodist Church and have spent the last decade as a Catholic.
I don’t discount the teachings of the Buddha or The Christ. In fact, I see how bits and pieces of the traditions truly compliment one another.
Here’s my confession: I love calling myself a Catholic, although my personal beliefs more likely resemble the teachings of the Episcopal church. Yet, I just seek to find peace and joy in my faith. God, the source, is bigger than our feeble minds can comprehend. Yet, I know I am going to experience an authentic experience of faith.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
SEASONS OF LOVE: GRATITUDE
This week I celebrated my 36th birthday. I was surrounded by friends—all but one of whom I did not know one year ago when I celebrated my 35th birthday. Sitting there at my birthday dinner, I was reminded how very much has changed in my life over the last year. I was reminded how many wonderful people have come into my life, how many amazing experiences and growth have come my way in those 12 months since I turned 35.
I think the single most important thing I did during the last year happened the evening last August when I walked into the open rehearsal for the Magic City Choral Society. Little did I know how that would be one of the most brave and life-changing moments. Little did I know that I was about to meet some of the most incredible people and people were soon to become my family. Little did I know that I was about to embark on the greatest adventure of my life.
In the last year of my life, I’ve discovered so many strengths and know who I am better than I did a year ago. People have come into my life, not only in the choir, but people I’ve met through my friends in the choir that are now the most important people in my life. These are people who have touched my life in ways I can’t quite possibly put into words.
Here’s my confession: I’ve experienced so much over the last year. Yet, hopefully, the last year is only the beginning. My lack of a relationship with my family of origin is something about which I’ve reached a place of peace, but I’m blessed with a family of choice that is out of this world. There are lots of things in my life I don’t quite have figured out, but what I do have lots of good in my life, despite the ups and downs that are a part of my life. Life is good. And, I’m happy to have celebrated another year of goodness. I’m enjoying the adventure. Thank you, dear friends—far and near—for the important role you have in my life!
I think the single most important thing I did during the last year happened the evening last August when I walked into the open rehearsal for the Magic City Choral Society. Little did I know how that would be one of the most brave and life-changing moments. Little did I know that I was about to meet some of the most incredible people and people were soon to become my family. Little did I know that I was about to embark on the greatest adventure of my life.
In the last year of my life, I’ve discovered so many strengths and know who I am better than I did a year ago. People have come into my life, not only in the choir, but people I’ve met through my friends in the choir that are now the most important people in my life. These are people who have touched my life in ways I can’t quite possibly put into words.
Here’s my confession: I’ve experienced so much over the last year. Yet, hopefully, the last year is only the beginning. My lack of a relationship with my family of origin is something about which I’ve reached a place of peace, but I’m blessed with a family of choice that is out of this world. There are lots of things in my life I don’t quite have figured out, but what I do have lots of good in my life, despite the ups and downs that are a part of my life. Life is good. And, I’m happy to have celebrated another year of goodness. I’m enjoying the adventure. Thank you, dear friends—far and near—for the important role you have in my life!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
GRATITUDE AND CATHARSIS 07.17.09
It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote a blog. Tonight, I find myself in need of that time of reflection, time to reflect on the things for which I’m most grateful as well as the catharsis my writing brings to me.
Since my last writing, the contract has fallen through on my house. That’s a major blow to both Parker and me, as we both felt that we were about to be out from under the last tie to our relationship. The cancellation of the contract comes as a railroad hub is proposed to be built in our community. So, back at square one we have arrived.
The state of our economy and the pressures that go along with it are seemingly unrelenting. The financial pressures are unbelievable and the professional expectations are tiring. Sometimes it seems that nothing is ever enough. It seems like I’m swirling at the bottom of a black hole.
Here’s my confession: Despite the struggles I’m facing right now, I’m very blessed to have some of the most wonderful friends that once could ever know. I look over the last year and I’m fascinated at the many wonderful blessings and friends who have come into my life. All I can do is all I can do…and I’m going to persevere.
More blogs to come. I’ve missed writing and it’s necessary for me to maintain my sanity!
Since my last writing, the contract has fallen through on my house. That’s a major blow to both Parker and me, as we both felt that we were about to be out from under the last tie to our relationship. The cancellation of the contract comes as a railroad hub is proposed to be built in our community. So, back at square one we have arrived.
The state of our economy and the pressures that go along with it are seemingly unrelenting. The financial pressures are unbelievable and the professional expectations are tiring. Sometimes it seems that nothing is ever enough. It seems like I’m swirling at the bottom of a black hole.
Here’s my confession: Despite the struggles I’m facing right now, I’m very blessed to have some of the most wonderful friends that once could ever know. I look over the last year and I’m fascinated at the many wonderful blessings and friends who have come into my life. All I can do is all I can do…and I’m going to persevere.
More blogs to come. I’ve missed writing and it’s necessary for me to maintain my sanity!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
GRATITUDE 06.21.09
It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to blog. Tonight, I sit down with much gratitude in my life. Since my last writing, Parker and I have gotten a contract on our house. It’s been a long and difficult year since the house went on the market, but it appears that there is light at the end of the tunnel…and we are looking forward to August 24, the date we are scheduled to close.
Last week was PRIDE week in Birmingham. This was a new experience for me. I’ve never been one who felt the need to broadcast my sexual orientation. However, it was a good feeling to be around so many people I’ve met over the last year, and just another step in seeing how far I’ve come in the last year. PRIDE is not really for me…but the feeling of being a part of a community is something I can’t quite find the words to fully express. While attending BAO Bingo, the drag queen who was there to provide entertainment performed to Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors”. The performance was so moving, as “she” had a pride flag draped around her and she removed it as she reached the line in the refrain about shining like a rainbow. We are all part of a rainbow.
I am so grateful for the many wonderful people in my life. A few people have serendipitously fallen into my life and I honestly can’t imagine life before they arrived. I’m grateful for the innumerable blessings that each of my friends bring into my life.
Here’s my confession: Life is good. I feel a lot of pressure in my life from many different directions, but at the same time, I feel everything heading in the right direction. Subtle changes are being made on an almost daily basis. And I’m going to just enjoy the ride.
Last week was PRIDE week in Birmingham. This was a new experience for me. I’ve never been one who felt the need to broadcast my sexual orientation. However, it was a good feeling to be around so many people I’ve met over the last year, and just another step in seeing how far I’ve come in the last year. PRIDE is not really for me…but the feeling of being a part of a community is something I can’t quite find the words to fully express. While attending BAO Bingo, the drag queen who was there to provide entertainment performed to Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors”. The performance was so moving, as “she” had a pride flag draped around her and she removed it as she reached the line in the refrain about shining like a rainbow. We are all part of a rainbow.
I am so grateful for the many wonderful people in my life. A few people have serendipitously fallen into my life and I honestly can’t imagine life before they arrived. I’m grateful for the innumerable blessings that each of my friends bring into my life.
Here’s my confession: Life is good. I feel a lot of pressure in my life from many different directions, but at the same time, I feel everything heading in the right direction. Subtle changes are being made on an almost daily basis. And I’m going to just enjoy the ride.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
GRATITUDE 06.07.09
It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve paused in gratitude. There is absolutely no denying how incredibly blessed I am. I am in awe as I consider the many friends who have entered my life over the last year. There have been many moments of discontent in my life lately. There have been moments of worry about finances and just struggles with life in general.
Yet, even in my moments of discontent, it is the friends who surround me who and remind me they are there for me that keep me grounded. I’m grateful for moments of peace, solitude, and joy. I’m grateful for love and grace and the things I know to be true in my life.
Here’s my confession: Life is good. I do have to sometimes remind myself of that. It’s easy, especially in these days when we’re all under so much stress, to just want to give up and have a pity party. I’m grateful for the blessings in my life, for all the good in my life, and for the hope of each new tomorrow.
Yet, even in my moments of discontent, it is the friends who surround me who and remind me they are there for me that keep me grounded. I’m grateful for moments of peace, solitude, and joy. I’m grateful for love and grace and the things I know to be true in my life.
Here’s my confession: Life is good. I do have to sometimes remind myself of that. It’s easy, especially in these days when we’re all under so much stress, to just want to give up and have a pity party. I’m grateful for the blessings in my life, for all the good in my life, and for the hope of each new tomorrow.
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