I pause again to look at the many blessings in my life. For some reason, it sometimes seems forced to do this each week, although honestly it is disciplining me to be more grateful for the blessings already in my life when it would be just as easy to ignore the things and people who make me blessed beyond measure. The difficulty truly comes in effectively communicating my gratitude rather than rambling on just to fill up space.
One of the things I can honestly say I am grateful for this week without even having to look too deep is my dear friend Truvy. She has started a new job and truly seems as on top of the world as I've seen her in a long time, despite other things in her life that are less than perfect. We've been able to spend time together again in the last week. I am so grateful for not only the quantity of time we've spent together, but also the quality of that time. I feel like I have my friend back.
As I've written earlier this week, I've forced myself to return to the gym. I'm taking it slowly, but making myself get back into the routine. In doing so, I'm mindful of the blessing of good health I already enjoy and how there are those who wish they were able to work out or even be active, and for whatever reason aren't able. That alone should be enough to motivate me to go to the gym.
I am grateful for yesterday's rainfall. How much we were in need! I must confess, however, that while I love rainy days and they usually put me in a terrific mood, yesterday's rain didn't have the calming effect on me. I was actually in a pissy mood because I was so overwhelmed with work.
Here's my confession: I could sit here for days and list the things for which my heart is most grateful and only scratch the surface. The truth is that I have such a blessed life. Even on my worst day, with my biggest problems, there is always someone out there who is worse off and would give anything to trade places with me. Sadly, this is true for most of us. Even more sad is that we don't have to look very far to find them. They may be friends or family members, or maybe the homeless person we passed this morning on our way into work or on our way to lunch.
Gratitude. It is such a simple notion, such a refreshing experience. It's the heart's prayer, and will transform our lives, if we are only open to it.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Y ME
Well, I've done it. I made myself go back to the gym. After at least a couple months' hiatus, I'm taking it slow in the beginning. I'm making myself keep a Monday/Wednesday/Friday routine. Eventually, I'll work back up to four or five days a week, but I keep telling myself that baby steps is the way to go for now.
In my hiatus from all things fitness, I've had time to think. Lots of time. Time to see people in the world around me--some who work out regularly, some who obviously don't. While yes, I'd love to have a firm, toned and chiseled body that men and women alike would drool over, I somehow don't see that happening. I'm not sure I have the dedication that kind of transformation would require. Of course, stranger things have happened. I suppose I'll be happy if I can lose
a few pounds, tone up somewhat and maintain optimal mental and
physical health.
I just don't see myself being one of those muscle studs you find gracing the covers of fitness magazines, no matter how hard I try. Maybe I should set out to prove myself wrong.
Here's my confession: I joined the Y nearly six years ago as for Lent. I pushed myself to workout five days a week whether I wanted to or not. I wish I had that kind of drive and willpower now. I wouldn't say I have a weight problem now, in fact most people tell me I look the best I've ever looked. Granted, they haven't seen me without my shirt on to see the extra lbs I'm carrying around.
With the transformations in other areas of my life, perhaps pushing myself physically at the gym can't be a bad thing, right? It's all about wing , truly motivated and pushing forward. It will require focus and dedication that I'm sure are just lying dormant somewhere deep down, probably underneath one of these rolls of fat that is about to melt away!
In my hiatus from all things fitness, I've had time to think. Lots of time. Time to see people in the world around me--some who work out regularly, some who obviously don't. While yes, I'd love to have a firm, toned and chiseled body that men and women alike would drool over, I somehow don't see that happening. I'm not sure I have the dedication that kind of transformation would require. Of course, stranger things have happened. I suppose I'll be happy if I can lose
a few pounds, tone up somewhat and maintain optimal mental and
physical health.
I just don't see myself being one of those muscle studs you find gracing the covers of fitness magazines, no matter how hard I try. Maybe I should set out to prove myself wrong.
Here's my confession: I joined the Y nearly six years ago as for Lent. I pushed myself to workout five days a week whether I wanted to or not. I wish I had that kind of drive and willpower now. I wouldn't say I have a weight problem now, in fact most people tell me I look the best I've ever looked. Granted, they haven't seen me without my shirt on to see the extra lbs I'm carrying around.
With the transformations in other areas of my life, perhaps pushing myself physically at the gym can't be a bad thing, right? It's all about wing , truly motivated and pushing forward. It will require focus and dedication that I'm sure are just lying dormant somewhere deep down, probably underneath one of these rolls of fat that is about to melt away!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
EPIPHANAL MOMENTS
This week we in the Christian tradition celebrated the Epiphany. Epiphany is the day traditionally set aside on the liturgical calendar to commemorate the arrival of the Magi to the Christ child. Epiphany itself means “appearance” or “manifestation”. Its meaning is particularly appropriate because the purpose of the “feast” day is to celebrate the revelation of God in human form.
Aside from the religious usage of the word, it is possible for us to have epiphanies in everyday life. They often come to us at unexpected times, walking down the street and some thought—or revelation will make itself known to us. It may be about a relationship, a job, or something completely out of the blue. However, when an epiphany strikes you, it’s undeniable. Epiphanies often confirm some thought or feeling we’ve already had, or reveal something altogether different.
I searched online and couldn’t find that “epiphanal” is actually a real word, so perhaps it is made up, but it seems appropriate to describe these moments of clarity and peace. One definition I found online for epiphany is “a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something.” Basically, a sudden “ah ha” moment.
Here’s my confession: I had an “epiphanal” moment this afternoon. I was walking down the street and a thought came to me. A year or so ago I purchased some blank journals to use as my prayer journals. Well, to be honest, lately my prayer life has not been as regular or as deep as it should be. So, I have these journals lying around. I was thinking as I was walking back from my afternoon break today how I could put those journals to good use by recording either my daily or weekly goals and then analyzing my progress. Upon further consideration, I was reminded of the scripture passage in Habakkuk which says, essentially, to write down your vision and it will come to pass. That is a powerful piece of advice. I’ve heard it said that writing down your goals makes them far more achievable.
I’m sure that moments of epiphany are all around us every day, if only we are open to them. Just being aware of what is going on around us increases the likelihood that we will notice these moments when they come. These moments serve to provide us with a feeling and confirmation that we are on the right track in life. The circumstance doesn’t matter. It could be about a job, a relationship, a major life decision. Epiphanies hold the power to transform our lives if only we are open. Epiphanies-moments of clarity, revelation, peace and transformation.
Aside from the religious usage of the word, it is possible for us to have epiphanies in everyday life. They often come to us at unexpected times, walking down the street and some thought—or revelation will make itself known to us. It may be about a relationship, a job, or something completely out of the blue. However, when an epiphany strikes you, it’s undeniable. Epiphanies often confirm some thought or feeling we’ve already had, or reveal something altogether different.
I searched online and couldn’t find that “epiphanal” is actually a real word, so perhaps it is made up, but it seems appropriate to describe these moments of clarity and peace. One definition I found online for epiphany is “a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something.” Basically, a sudden “ah ha” moment.
Here’s my confession: I had an “epiphanal” moment this afternoon. I was walking down the street and a thought came to me. A year or so ago I purchased some blank journals to use as my prayer journals. Well, to be honest, lately my prayer life has not been as regular or as deep as it should be. So, I have these journals lying around. I was thinking as I was walking back from my afternoon break today how I could put those journals to good use by recording either my daily or weekly goals and then analyzing my progress. Upon further consideration, I was reminded of the scripture passage in Habakkuk which says, essentially, to write down your vision and it will come to pass. That is a powerful piece of advice. I’ve heard it said that writing down your goals makes them far more achievable.
I’m sure that moments of epiphany are all around us every day, if only we are open to them. Just being aware of what is going on around us increases the likelihood that we will notice these moments when they come. These moments serve to provide us with a feeling and confirmation that we are on the right track in life. The circumstance doesn’t matter. It could be about a job, a relationship, a major life decision. Epiphanies hold the power to transform our lives if only we are open. Epiphanies-moments of clarity, revelation, peace and transformation.
Monday, January 7, 2008
ON BEING GAY
"When did you know?" "How long have you been that way?" Those are just two examples of questions people have asked me upon finding out that I'm gay. My general reply to these questions is honest and straightforward. As simple as it sounds, I've known my whole life. I don't think I had a name for it, but I knew when I was in the second grade that I should be more attracted to a couple of cute little girls named Heather and Zoë than I was to a couple of the boys, (who shall remain nameless).
From my earliest memories, it was my natural inclination to be attracted to my own gender. Yet, being self-aware at that early age didn't make it any easier to accept. I endured years of name calling, bullying and self-loathing. In fact, by the time I reached upper Junior High, I was ready for a completely new start, begging my parents to allow me to switch schools. After my freshman year, my parents gave in and allowed me to change schools. I don't believe I ever told them why I wanted to change schools. I believe my argument was that since the school was smaller, I'd have better opportunities. While that, indeed, was true, my ulterior motive was to get away from the name-calling and harassment of my classmates. At the new school, things weren't exactly perfect, but they were better. I was only harassed a couple of times by a couple of the "jocks". However, I believe my academic opportunities were much more abundant. So, it all worked out for the good.
Add to the harassment at school the constant message I was hearing from the Christian community about how being gay is a sin, and you have recipe for depression, fear, confusion and, yes, self-loathing. I spent many years praying for peace in my life, that if God could take it away, that it would be taken away, I read everything I could get my hands on, watched every thing I could on the subject and finally reached the point where coming out was no longer a question of "if", but rather a matter of "when". I went to a Southern Baptist-affiliated college. After coming out my senior year of college, it became apparent to me that I would no longer be able to be a Southern Baptist. A week after coming out to my mother, I walked into a large United Methodist church in downtown Knoxville, Tennessee. It was there where I felt the very presence of God in a way like I never had before. The choral antiphon prior to the processional that morning was "The Best of Rooms", a somewhat obscure a cappella piece by Randall Thompson. The voices echoed throughout that Gothic-style sanctuary as though I had walked into the presence of God. I was at peace. It was as though God whispered "It's ok." I had found MY sanctuary.
That was nearly twelve years ago. The world in which we live today is much kinder than it was back then. Gay people are seen in all facets of life and young people are coming out much younger than ever before. As a society, we have made a lot of progress. Yet, we have yet to arrive at complete acceptance and equality.
Here's my confession: Being gay to me is as natural as breathing. I cannot imagine my life without my attraction to men. Anything less than that would be unnatural to me. It's not something I flaunt around and not something that I publicly announce, nor is it something I endeavor to hide. The debate could go on for ages as to whether it is because of nature, nurture, a combination, etc. Honestly, to me, none of that matters. What does matter is that I have peace with God, the acceptance of those who matter most in my life and peace with myself. There are probably as many answers to what it means to be gay as there are individuals. To me, being gay means being true to myself and embracing the person God created me be. There are a million stereotypes I'll never live up to, a few that I probably will, but at the heart of the issue is not what I do, it is who I am. I am a man who is attracted to men. I honestly don't believe it is something that I had a choice about. Who would chose to live a life where you are constantly judged, teased, and, in many cases, condemned because of being who you are? That's a no-brainer. None of us would. Instead, I choose to live a life of honesty, openness and integrity. Which is better? Openness and honesty or hiding your true self "in the closest"? For me, I prefer the former, and for that, I believe I have earned most people's respect.
From my earliest memories, it was my natural inclination to be attracted to my own gender. Yet, being self-aware at that early age didn't make it any easier to accept. I endured years of name calling, bullying and self-loathing. In fact, by the time I reached upper Junior High, I was ready for a completely new start, begging my parents to allow me to switch schools. After my freshman year, my parents gave in and allowed me to change schools. I don't believe I ever told them why I wanted to change schools. I believe my argument was that since the school was smaller, I'd have better opportunities. While that, indeed, was true, my ulterior motive was to get away from the name-calling and harassment of my classmates. At the new school, things weren't exactly perfect, but they were better. I was only harassed a couple of times by a couple of the "jocks". However, I believe my academic opportunities were much more abundant. So, it all worked out for the good.
Add to the harassment at school the constant message I was hearing from the Christian community about how being gay is a sin, and you have recipe for depression, fear, confusion and, yes, self-loathing. I spent many years praying for peace in my life, that if God could take it away, that it would be taken away, I read everything I could get my hands on, watched every thing I could on the subject and finally reached the point where coming out was no longer a question of "if", but rather a matter of "when". I went to a Southern Baptist-affiliated college. After coming out my senior year of college, it became apparent to me that I would no longer be able to be a Southern Baptist. A week after coming out to my mother, I walked into a large United Methodist church in downtown Knoxville, Tennessee. It was there where I felt the very presence of God in a way like I never had before. The choral antiphon prior to the processional that morning was "The Best of Rooms", a somewhat obscure a cappella piece by Randall Thompson. The voices echoed throughout that Gothic-style sanctuary as though I had walked into the presence of God. I was at peace. It was as though God whispered "It's ok." I had found MY sanctuary.
That was nearly twelve years ago. The world in which we live today is much kinder than it was back then. Gay people are seen in all facets of life and young people are coming out much younger than ever before. As a society, we have made a lot of progress. Yet, we have yet to arrive at complete acceptance and equality.
Here's my confession: Being gay to me is as natural as breathing. I cannot imagine my life without my attraction to men. Anything less than that would be unnatural to me. It's not something I flaunt around and not something that I publicly announce, nor is it something I endeavor to hide. The debate could go on for ages as to whether it is because of nature, nurture, a combination, etc. Honestly, to me, none of that matters. What does matter is that I have peace with God, the acceptance of those who matter most in my life and peace with myself. There are probably as many answers to what it means to be gay as there are individuals. To me, being gay means being true to myself and embracing the person God created me be. There are a million stereotypes I'll never live up to, a few that I probably will, but at the heart of the issue is not what I do, it is who I am. I am a man who is attracted to men. I honestly don't believe it is something that I had a choice about. Who would chose to live a life where you are constantly judged, teased, and, in many cases, condemned because of being who you are? That's a no-brainer. None of us would. Instead, I choose to live a life of honesty, openness and integrity. Which is better? Openness and honesty or hiding your true self "in the closest"? For me, I prefer the former, and for that, I believe I have earned most people's respect.
Friday, January 4, 2008
GRATITUDE THOUGHTS
It is hard to believe that another week has come and gone. With this week we ushered in a new year. How much there is to be grateful for both within the year and week behind us.
Walking downtown today during my lunch hour there were several sights that really stuck with me. The first was a man with no legs, moving up the bunpy sidewalk in a wheel chair. After that man came an older lady crossing the street on her motorized scooter. As I was returning to the office, I passed an elderly gentleman with a cane, waiting for the signal to change so he could make his way across the crosswalk. These people helped me see just how fortunate I am to be able to walk, how they have overcome the obstacles placed in their lives. Their mobility may have been challenged, but they are each examples of perseverance and of something we most likely take for granted every day.
Something which may seem particularly mundane, but something for which I (and I am certain others) am/are nonetheless grateful is Miss Betty's Mac & Cheese. Betty is one if my co-workers and makes the best Mac & Cheese known to man. She brings her delicious dish to work a few times a year for special occasions. She brought some today to celebrate the birthday of one of our teammates. Without a doubt this is one of life's little pleasures.
I am grateful for a new year--a blank slate of hopes, dreams and promises. A new year, full of new opportunities for growth. Certainly tomorrow is not promised us, so I am grateful for each new day, for indeed it is a gift. I am grateful for the dawning of changes in my life and for the prospects ahead.
For the undying dedication of dear friends, who listen with open hearts and minds and offer unconditional love and support, my heart is grateful. The depths of such relationships are priceless, the support and advice are treasured. I am grateful.
Here's my confession: My pausing weekly to reflect on gratitude has really allowed me to take inventory of the people and things in my life which I perhaps far too easily take for granted. I am always grateful for those of you who take your time to read my blog and
leave comments. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey. This blog is part of my heart. I write it as much for you as I do for me.
Walking downtown today during my lunch hour there were several sights that really stuck with me. The first was a man with no legs, moving up the bunpy sidewalk in a wheel chair. After that man came an older lady crossing the street on her motorized scooter. As I was returning to the office, I passed an elderly gentleman with a cane, waiting for the signal to change so he could make his way across the crosswalk. These people helped me see just how fortunate I am to be able to walk, how they have overcome the obstacles placed in their lives. Their mobility may have been challenged, but they are each examples of perseverance and of something we most likely take for granted every day.
Something which may seem particularly mundane, but something for which I (and I am certain others) am/are nonetheless grateful is Miss Betty's Mac & Cheese. Betty is one if my co-workers and makes the best Mac & Cheese known to man. She brings her delicious dish to work a few times a year for special occasions. She brought some today to celebrate the birthday of one of our teammates. Without a doubt this is one of life's little pleasures.
I am grateful for a new year--a blank slate of hopes, dreams and promises. A new year, full of new opportunities for growth. Certainly tomorrow is not promised us, so I am grateful for each new day, for indeed it is a gift. I am grateful for the dawning of changes in my life and for the prospects ahead.
For the undying dedication of dear friends, who listen with open hearts and minds and offer unconditional love and support, my heart is grateful. The depths of such relationships are priceless, the support and advice are treasured. I am grateful.
Here's my confession: My pausing weekly to reflect on gratitude has really allowed me to take inventory of the people and things in my life which I perhaps far too easily take for granted. I am always grateful for those of you who take your time to read my blog and
leave comments. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey. This blog is part of my heart. I write it as much for you as I do for me.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
REMOVING THE CLUTTER
Those who know me well would probably define me as “anal retentive”. I hate clutter and strive for neatness and order. To me, clutter in an outward manifestation of inward clutter. My desk is generally neat and orderly, and in my evaluation from my manager recently, she noted that my organization is one of my greatest strengths. Eliminating clutter is so empowering to me. Having a clean house, bedroom, work area, etc. are things I find essential to my personal productivity and peace. Perhaps it’s just a little bit of neuroticism on my part, but even so, I’ve always found it most conducive to my productivity to have everything in its place before I begin a project.
Finding a way to eliminate the clutter in my life is my “project” right now. As I move into a new phase of my life, a phase which includes asking myself difficult questions and making hard decisions. By eliminating the physical clutter from my life, things such as old momentos that have been moved around in storage tubs with me from place to place for years and years. These "things" simply have no use in my current life and I’m discarding them,little by little. Having physical clutter in my life, I feel, inhibits me from living up to my utmost potential. I’ll be honest, it’s easy to procrastinate and not do the things that need to be done. But, I’m reaching a point in my life where I have to move into action. Change is not going to happen on its own.
In addition to the physical clutter in my life—old books, notes, stuffed animals, receipts, unworn clothing items, I have a good deal of mental clutter too. Questions of whether or not I’m living up to my full potential, if I’m doing what I am supposed to do with my life, if I am living my true calling. There is also the mental clutter of decisions and discussions that need to be made and done about various relationships in my life, as well as financial issues, time management.
Here’s my confession: Ridding myself of the physical and mental clutter in my life is a priority as I press towards my goals of a productive and peaceful 2008. It is so easy to sit back and procrastinate about the tremendous amount of work which must be done. Yet, the rewards I’ll receive by removing the clutter far outweigh any benefits of procrastinating these tasks. The old adage is true, we always have time for the things we WANT to do. Remembering that and moving forward is the essential part.
Finding a way to eliminate the clutter in my life is my “project” right now. As I move into a new phase of my life, a phase which includes asking myself difficult questions and making hard decisions. By eliminating the physical clutter from my life, things such as old momentos that have been moved around in storage tubs with me from place to place for years and years. These "things" simply have no use in my current life and I’m discarding them,little by little. Having physical clutter in my life, I feel, inhibits me from living up to my utmost potential. I’ll be honest, it’s easy to procrastinate and not do the things that need to be done. But, I’m reaching a point in my life where I have to move into action. Change is not going to happen on its own.
In addition to the physical clutter in my life—old books, notes, stuffed animals, receipts, unworn clothing items, I have a good deal of mental clutter too. Questions of whether or not I’m living up to my full potential, if I’m doing what I am supposed to do with my life, if I am living my true calling. There is also the mental clutter of decisions and discussions that need to be made and done about various relationships in my life, as well as financial issues, time management.
Here’s my confession: Ridding myself of the physical and mental clutter in my life is a priority as I press towards my goals of a productive and peaceful 2008. It is so easy to sit back and procrastinate about the tremendous amount of work which must be done. Yet, the rewards I’ll receive by removing the clutter far outweigh any benefits of procrastinating these tasks. The old adage is true, we always have time for the things we WANT to do. Remembering that and moving forward is the essential part.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
REMEMBERING THE YEAR THAT WAS
With the year 2007 now a part of the history books, I look back and reflect on where my journey took me in the year and the changes that have come into my life. Becoming a homeowner was a major change I made early in the year. However, I would say that is not the biggest change of the year. The biggest change of the year is with me personally. Through the help of medication and counseling, I've been able to rid myself of a great deal of anxiety and have been able to focus on setting goals for myself. The year was, in a word, a year of change. In addition to being a year of change, it was also a year of growth. One friend described the change as though I'm coming into my own skin, like I'm finally becoming the person I'm meant to be. I'd have to agree. In most aspects of my life, I feel more alive than I've ever felt. I've been chronicling my changes for the last several months through this blog. While I've made a lot of progress in the last five months, I feel that this is only the beginning.
Fast away the old year passes, but I am resolved to continue these changes in 2008. I have many projects and areas of my life that I am targeting for change. I have very personal issues with my relationship to resolve, financial strategies to implement, educational goals to define and new interests and activities in which to become involved, all the while continuing to grow in the areas I've already begun.
Here's my confession: Keeping the momentum going itself takes a great deal of work. I have to remind myself of the mantra that anything worth doing takes work. As much as I'd like for these changes to just happen, I know it doesn't work like that. It is only by my calculated and diligent efforts will they be realized. Reaching a place of peace and happiness in my life is my ultimate goal. I'm very fortunate to have around me an amazing group of friends to serve as my support system. Having people to listen to me babble on and on about the same old topics and never bat an eye is a real blessing. I'm confident that I've only seen the tip of the iceberg. A year from now, when I pause to reflect, I expect to see a much more confident, decisive, secure and centered person. I may not have completely arrived by this time next year, but I'm certain I'll be well on my way. I believe 2008 will be one of the best and most pivotal years of my life. I am looking forward to my 35th birthday in July, perhaps more than I've looked forward to any birthday I've ever celebrated, as I believe that it will be a celebration of life, accomplishments and things yet to come.
Fast away the old year passes, but I am resolved to continue these changes in 2008. I have many projects and areas of my life that I am targeting for change. I have very personal issues with my relationship to resolve, financial strategies to implement, educational goals to define and new interests and activities in which to become involved, all the while continuing to grow in the areas I've already begun.
Here's my confession: Keeping the momentum going itself takes a great deal of work. I have to remind myself of the mantra that anything worth doing takes work. As much as I'd like for these changes to just happen, I know it doesn't work like that. It is only by my calculated and diligent efforts will they be realized. Reaching a place of peace and happiness in my life is my ultimate goal. I'm very fortunate to have around me an amazing group of friends to serve as my support system. Having people to listen to me babble on and on about the same old topics and never bat an eye is a real blessing. I'm confident that I've only seen the tip of the iceberg. A year from now, when I pause to reflect, I expect to see a much more confident, decisive, secure and centered person. I may not have completely arrived by this time next year, but I'm certain I'll be well on my way. I believe 2008 will be one of the best and most pivotal years of my life. I am looking forward to my 35th birthday in July, perhaps more than I've looked forward to any birthday I've ever celebrated, as I believe that it will be a celebration of life, accomplishments and things yet to come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
