GRATITUDE 11.21.08

Another week has come and gone, another week in which my blog has sat here, mostly neglected. Another week has come and gone, another week in which I've thought a great deal about the wonderful blessings and reasons for gratitude in my life.

I'm grateful for all the simple things in my life. This week, for example, a brief email from my aunt with whom I am estranged, who sent me a message informing me of the birth of her grandson. The email brought a smile to my face-for no other reason than the simple fact that she remembered to send me a message. That simple gesture seemed like a huge deal to me, especially given our relationship. I'm grateful that I found my cousin and his wife on facebook this week, and that we have been in touch. I had lunch with a friend today, just the two of us, visiting and sharing the goings on in our lives.

I'm always grateful for the people in my life. I have a wide circle of people who care for me. For someone who has spent the vast majority of his life feeling alone, it is a great feeling to know that I do have friends who are there for me in spite of the fact that sometimes I'm not the friend that I should be to them. I've always thought the phrase "you can never have too many friends" was hokey. Yet, as I am getting older, I'm finding that having an extended "family" of friends is not a bad thing. We are naturally going to be closer to some friends than others, but friends add so much to our lives, no matter the role they play in our lives.

I'm grateful for quiet, reflective moments in the midst of the chaos of life, for music that makes me smile, for the baths taken by candlelight, for arms that reach to embrace me, to massage me, for love that flows so freely. I'm grateful for the beauty that surrounds me and for blessings all too easily taken for granted. Do any of us truly pause to consider the miracle of each new day? I know I don't, until something tragic comes along to remind me of how fragile life truly is. I'm grateful that even though I waste more time in a day than I care to admit, that I am continually blessed with more days, more moments.

I'm grateful that I woke up this morning in a warm bed, in a warm house and had a happy warm cat sleeping beside me. I took a warm shower and put on warm clothes and headed to a job I'm blessed to have and that added money to my bank account. I'm reminded that so many people in this city, state, country and even around the world are not so blessed. I'm conscious that, like so many others, I'm just a paycheck away from having to rely on the kindness of friends and strangers. That's such a humbling thought, yet I know that most of us don't pause to give that one moment's consideration.

Here's my confession: I'm blessed with an overabundance of love, friends and "things" in my life. As I spend time pondering the many things in my life, I find peace and comfort in knowing that life still goes on. From the rising of the sun to its setting, I am rich. I'm rich in blessings, rich in relationships, rich in who I am. I never want my gratitude to be trite or contrived. It is my hope that my gratitude flows from a place deep within, and is filled with honesty and sincerity most genuine emotions I can possibly express. It is always my hope, my prayer, that as I count my many blessings, that you, also, will pause for a moment to remember the good (and even the bad) in your life-for all we experience has the ability touch us, to move us, to humble us. Even on our worst day, it may be hard to see, but there is a glimmer of goodness to be found there on the surface. May you always be inspired to live a life of gratitude, and may your days be richly blessed.

GRATITUDE 11.16.08

I usually do my gratitude blog on Fridays, but for the last couple of weeks, I have neglected it. Yet, tonight, I feel the need to truly pause and reflect on those elements of my life for which I am most grateful.

In a world which is full of economic problems, war, political division and so much pain and confusion, I am grateful that I have a job, a place to live, and people who care for me.

I am grateful for those of you who read my blog on a regular basis, who check on me when I don’t blog for a few days, friends who leave comments for me and are truly invested in my life in so many ways.

Yesterday I spent almost an entire day in solitude, except for the brief period of time I had to run to pick up some items at the store. It was a great change for me, a chance to slow down and catch up on things that I’ve been neglecting around the house, a time to just be…a time to breathe, no schedule to keep. Just me, the cats and a house to clean…sounds crazy, but there is much relaxation in organizing and cleaning the house. I’m grateful for those simple moments in life.

I’m grateful to live in a country where I have the freedom to be myself. While our country has moved so forward in its acceptance of gay rights, we still have a long way to go. I don’t consider myself an activist; I do look forward to the day when sexual orientation is no longer an issue. Generations to come are going to look back at us and shake their heads wondering what the big deal was about two men or two women wanting to marry one another, much the way that we do today when we look back and realize that not too long ago, interracial marriage was not allowed.

I’m so grateful for the many friends I have in this life. There are so many rare treasures, so many wonderful, priceless gifts. I’m constantly reminded that I blessed beyond measure.

Here’s my confession: In spite of things that are going on in the world around me, I do have so many things for which to be grateful. I don’t always find the words to express my true gratitude, but my heart is full, and so is my life. I’m rich…perhaps not in my bank account, but in the people in my life and the day to day experiences of life which make life worth life.

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS...

I've been thinking for months about his blog, and I think it's time to bring it to life. I've been thinking about a few of my favorite things. What is it in this life that truly brings me enjoyment, pleasure, happiness? It's a difficult question for most of us to answer, and I wonder if any of us truly give more than just a generic answer when the question is asked.

What are a few of my favorite things? I love rainy days. I'll take a gloomy, grey-skied day any day over a bright sunny one. Music. I have eclectic tastes in music, ranging the gamut from Classical to Country. I am a musician-a trained vocalist, a keyboardist and I am absolutely in my element when I am accompanying a singer or group of singers or playing a prelude before Mass. It's spiritual, and flows from deep within, although I'm first to admit my imperfections as a musician. I don't always hit the right notes, I don't always play in perfect rhythm, I'm not always on top of my game, but playing music, enriching people's lives with the musical abilities I've been given is one of the happiest things in my life. I'm a vocalist, and, if I'm being honest, that's where my true talent lies, I'd still rather be a keyboardist. However, as I wrote earlier this week, I love joining my voice with the men's chorus. It's such an amazing sound, such a sense of contribution and accomplishment. I love the people in my life. I've been blessed with some very close and dear friends, both near and far in distance, but always close in heart. I love the person I am becoming, the support my friends have given me and the love that I feel in my life each and every day.

People watching, Birmingham, The Pita Stop, The Village Tavern, Starbucks Coffee, Coconut Cream Pie, Edgar's Bakery Cupcakes, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cheesecake, Miss Betty's Mac & Cheese, The Golden Girls, Will & Grace, Snuggling under a warm blanket, moments of solitude, cats, social events, facebook, text messages, connecting with old and new friends, watching local TV News, writing, reading books which allow me to think about spirituality, such as the works of Eckhart Tolle, reading books that make me laugh such as the writings of David Sedaris, riding roller coasters, spiritual things and the afterlife, the dying process, the solitude of a cemetery, organizing things around the house, eliminating as much clutter as possible, cleaning the house tends to calm me down, crimson (roll tide!), massages, bubble baths, candles and just being lazy.

Here's my confession: Those are a few of my favorite things. Even in tough economic and social times in our country, it's good to pause and reflect on the good things in life, the things that bring us pleasure, joy and peace. I'm sure if I put a little more thought into it, my list could be even longer, but this is a good snapshot of the things that are enjoyable in my life. Life is, on so many levels, very good. We'd all do well to focus on the positive.

RECONCILIATION: REACHING OUT

I sat down the other day and attempted to write letters to my parents. Much like the writing of this particular blog, I had trouble coming up with the right words to say. My mostly non-existent relationship with my parents, and extended family for that matter, leaves me scratching my head wondering what to say.

The main thought that comes out in my mind is the question of whether or not I truly want reconciliation and what that reconciliation would accomplish. Those are difficult questions. They are painful questions. I have no doubt in my mind that my parents did the absolute best job they knew how to do in raising me. The problem is that we are from different worlds. I can't relate to their world, and they certainly can't relate to mine. I don't believe that makes them bad parents, nor does it make me a bad son. It just makes us different.

The breakdown of the relationship didn't happen overnight. It happened over a period of time-months, perhaps even years. There were many little things that built up into one explosive email I composed and exchanged nearly two and a half years ago that led to awkward silence. I don't truly believe that at the heart of the issue is anything to do with my sexual orientation. I may be wrong, but my gut instinct tells me that it goes much, much deeper than that. It's a breakdown of communication from way, way back. We're just different people. We should be able to accept that and move on. But, pride and ego gets in the way. Those are huge barriers—not impossible barriers, but difficult nonetheless to chip away and maneuver.

Do I truly want reconciliation and what would it accomplish? In a way, yes, I would like reconciliation on several levels. I have faced the fact that neither my parents nor I are getting any younger. Our time on this earth is getting shorter every single day, it's one less day we'll have to make amends, to share our lives. Once we die, there's no hope for reconciliation. My biggest fear is standing there at the funeral home, looking at my parents' remains knowing that I didn't do everything in my power to bring about peace and knowing that there will never be another opportunity. Reconciliation is important because I'm their only child. Reconciliation is important because it is the right thing to do. What will reconciliation accomplish? I'm not so naive as to believe that reconciliation means that we will not have issues and that past hurts and resentments, etc are going to just magically go away. Yet, my hope is that reconciliation can create a dialogue, a bit of common ground. Peace. Reconciliation will accomplish a clear conscience in all our lives. It must be noted, however, that reconciliation and resolution are not necessarily one and the same.

Here's my confession: Opening up a dialogue between the present and the past is what must happen. Certainly, the most direct way of accomplishing this is to do the one thing I'm just not ready to do-pick up the phone and talk. I have to be honest and say that is one thing that scares me more than just about anything in the entire world. As much as I've grown over the last year-plus of my life, the one single area where I've not found peace and comfort in my life is in the relationship status with my family. Most people can't fathom such a rift. And, honestly, it's hard for me to fathom, too. But, it's also hard for me to imagine families who are so close to one another. Even still, I'll keep reaching out with an olive branch of reconciliation until the day it comes to fruition. Just like everything else in life, I have to be patient and approach it one day, one precious moment at a time.

DUSTING OFF THE BLOG

My blog has been sitting here, silent, collecting dust for a couple of weeks. The truth of the matter is that I've had a lot on my mind, but every time I've sat down to write anything, I've had a case of writer's block. So many thoughts, just stagnating there inside my head. Each thought, it seems, seeking a direction to flow, a solution to each question. Still, nothing comes.

I've been through a whirlwind of change in the last year of my life. I've ended one relationship, done a lot of work on myself as an individual and have found a level of comfort with myself that I have never known before. The most significant decision I have made over the last year is joining the Magic City Choral Society. Through this group I have grown beyond my wildest expectations. It has not only provided me a musical outlet, but a much-needed social outlet as well. I've been blessed with friendships, contacts and relationships I would have never known were it not for my involvement with this organization. When I first joined the group, my shell was just beginning to crack, but now, I feel so comfortable and confident around my peers in the choir. I love the camaraderie I get from this group. Because at my very core, I am an introvert, it takes me a little while to warm up around people. But, once I warm up, I am very comfortable around people. I'm so amazed at just how very close I've become to this group of guys. We are brought together by our common bond of music, and, for most of us, our sexual orientation. The product of that connection is a sense of community, and for me, a place where I really belong, a place where I can grow as a person, a musician and a member of the society as a whole.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have people in my life who care about me on many levels. I am in the early stages of a new romantic relationship, a relationship unlike any other I've ever experienced. I'm much more confident and less needy than I've ever been in a relationship before. That's a by-product of the growth I've experienced over the last year. Yet, at the same time, it's such a different feeling that at times my true nature doesn't know how to handle the changes. I have to constantly remind myself to live for today, to be present in this moment, for it is all that I truly have. It's difficult to not focus on the future of the relationship and to just let things take their natural course, but I'm learning. I'm learning to listen to myself. I'm learning to be—and that alone is a huge step in the right direction.

Sometimes the most mundane moments of our lives are the greatest moments of our lives. It's the smallest events in our lives that produce the greatest memories. Sometimes just sitting at the piano practicing, eating a bowl of ice cream or sharing simple moments with friends bring about the greatest experiences in our lives. While the 'mundane moments' may not always be the most comfortable moments, it is in the stillness of these moments that we most often grow. Life is full of complexities, questions, fears and uncertainties. Our response to these moments is what defines us. We can either wallow in self-pity or take things in stride. We can focus on the negative, the past, the unknown or we can live in the now, focus on the gift we have right now, at this present moment.

Here's my confession: Living in the now sounds like a remarkably simple concept, but in reality, it is an incredibly difficult thing to do. I've been so focused on the baggage from the past that I've been finding it not so easy to live in the present. It's so easy to focus on the flaws of relationships past, past hurts, fears and insecurities, rather than to live in the present with all its positive attributes. My life abounds with blessings, friendships and, in spite of the few negative things that are in my life, I feel like I'm heading in the right direction. I've come so far, but I know I've so far left to go. But, there's only one way I can get to the final destination, and that is one day, one step, one precious moment at a time. Music, sweet music, abounds in my soul right now. My spirit is dancing again. I am loved. I am loveable. And I'm finally starting to get that. Now, if I can just remember that, remember that I have friends who truly care, and that no matter how low I go, I'm not alone, and most importantly, to savor each and every moment as it comes, because that's truly the only moment I'm promised.

GRATITUDE 10.24.08

It has been another week, another chapter in the ebb and flow of living that is my life. There have been some truly serendipitous moments in this week, some moments of enlightenment and some emotional highs and lows. Yet, through it all, I’ve been grateful—deeply grateful—for each moment that has passed, has somehow left me as a better person.

I’m grateful for my dear friends, who have been so supportive as my life has taken twists and turns that I didn’t even see coming myself, most obviously my new relationship with Lane.

It’s now been just over three months since my 35th birthday. Prior to my birthday, I was so excited because I had vowed that 35 would be a pivotal year for me, a year of marked change. Today, while having a very personal conversation with a dear friend, and I realized that there have already been so many changes. Joining the Choral Society was the single biggest step I’ve taken to this point. That single gutsy move I took to walk into that first rehearsal has changed my life forever. I’ve developed a network of friends who are like a family to me, and as an added benefit, I am able to make music with these men. I met my wonderful boyfriend through the choir. I’m just amazed, overwhelmed and filled with gratitude when I think of the gifts this group has brought into my life. There are other exciting opportunities looming on the horizon and I’m looking forward to sharing them with you as they happen.

I’m grateful again as I recall the gifts that music has brought into my life. I’m grateful to have found my voice again, to be able to use it and for my skills as both a keyboardist and accompanist are growing.

I’m grateful that I was able to meet many of Lane’s closest friends tonight, and that it was such a comfortable experience for me. I’m grateful for the word “Love” and for the many things it means. It’s often unexpected and surreal.

Here’s my confession: I’ve been walking around through many emotional highs and lows over the last week. I’m starting to come down from a huge emotional high and starting to settle back down into reality. Despite fears and conflicted emotions, I am grateful for the experiences that have come, and are coming my way. I am finding that I’m often at a loss for words these days. Yet, all in all, there’s so much more gratitude in my life and I’m looking forward to the many blessings still to come.

THROWING CAUTION TO THE WIND

I have a boyfriend. I’m in a relationship. This wasn’t supposed to happen yet. I was supposed to be in relationship “time out” until after Valentine's Day, 2009. But, I’m sitting here, gathering my thoughts as I sit on my boyfriend’s sofa. Oh, I’ve heard my friends’ concerns: “Take it slow.” “Enjoy it.” “Don’t rush.” “Be Careful.” These are no doubt phrases I’ve heard over and over the last few weeks from my friends, who because they are my friends have my best interest in mind. And, try as I might, it seems that I’ve thrown caution to the wind. That’s not to say that I’m being ridiculous, but I admit that things have gone faster that I’d have ever imagined they would. But, in talking with other couples, I take solace in the fact that you can’t put a timeline on love and relationships. Each relationship takes its own timetable. And, sometimes you just know.

The only thing I know to do is to live each day and experience it fully. It’s hard to keep myself from looking into the future, wondering and dreaming about what the tomorrows hold for Lane and me. I wonder if it’s wrong to even look into the tomorrows. I sometimes wonder if we’ve both lost our minds. Then, we look at one another, and I remember all our commonalities, and I think maybe, just maybe, I’m not that crazy after all. The future is still being written, and today is truly all we have.


Here’s my confession: Even though I’ve changed a lot in the last year and a half, there’s still a lot of fear in me. I bring a lot of baggage with me into this relationship. I wonder what I have to do to keep things alive, to keep the same mistakes that happened in my two previous relationships from happening again. It’s difficult, but not impossible. I have to learn, and find, that delicate balance in my life where I don’t lose “me”, as I so often do. It’s all about striking that balance so that there’s the individual and the couple. So, I’ve thrown caution to the wind. Falling in love is a mysterious thing. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Even if it all falls apart, which I hope it doesn’t, I’m better for the experience. I’d be lying if I were to say that I’m not scared about where things are heading, and how fast they’ve gone. But, at the same time, I am grateful that my path has crossed with someone who loves me, respects me and that all indications point to someone with whom a bright future is not out of the question. I find myself physically and emotionally drained these days, but, as I’ve said before, Life IS good, and it’s only getting better with the dawning of each new day. It’s definitely an exciting time to be alive, and I’m blessed to have found someone who wants to share my todays and tomorrows with me.