BRICK WALLS

I’ve been blogging about all the changes in my life for 20 months now. There have definitely been peaks and valleys along the way. Sometimes I’m going along and things are just going very well, then, out of the blue I hit a brick wall. I feel like every single bit of energy has been zapped from me, all the progress is seemingly suddenly undone. It’s frustrating. It’s depressing. Yet, at the same time, it is very necessary. Growth happens in spurts. The growth, I suppose wouldn’t mean as much if it were just on going, blissful, and uninterrupted. That’s life. And, as one of the television commercials says for an insurance company “Life comes at you fast.”

I spent most of last week feeling like I’d hit a brick wall. Life, most definitely, had come at me fast. I was deeply depressed, tired, scared, fearful, and didn’t know where to turn, I didn’t know what was going on in my life. There were moments I felt like I wasn’t even present in my own body. It seemed at every turn there was some hidden surprise just waiting to jump out at me—bad news about my fairly new tires for my car, a stressful week of work, difficult choir rehearsals and personal struggles all came to a head all in that one week. BOOM! Brick wall. No warning. It was just there. And I plowed into it with all my might!

This week is still a bit stressful, but things seem to be smoothing out. I’m tired of being tired all the time. I’m tired of struggling. And I’m tired of feeling like I’ve made two steps forward, two miles back. It’s all just part of the process.

Here’s my confession: I’ve gotten away from myself. I’ve lost a bit of myself. I have to make a concerted effort to forge ahead. I have to get back into reading “The Feeling Good Handbook”, “The Power of Now” and taking care of myself…making sure that I am true to my happiness, my needs, my wants, and don’t compromise for anything. Life is good. Life is damn good. I’ve made a lot of progress since that first posting some 20 months ago, but I don’t think this is where the road ends. I believe that as long as there is breath flowing through my body, as long as there is oxygen flowing through my brain, that I have the opportunity to continue to grow and become. I have wonderful people in my life who care for me and love me unconditionally. But most importantly, I have myself, and yes, I do love myself. And, really, isn’t that where it all starts? Tomorrow has enough of its own worries. Today--that's the gift I have, and today is where I have to live!

GRATITUDE 05.01.09

This has been an incredibly surreal week for me. When I say surreal I mean there were moments I felt incredibly detached from my body. Part of it was related to some new medication I had begun taking late last week and part of it was related to stress I’ve been experiencing in my life lately.

Despite stresses in my life, I am grateful for the friends who have been there to support me by sharing their love and expressions of friendship with me. I’m grateful for the good that is in my life. This week has provided me with many moments where I wanted to just throw up my hands and give up, throw in the towel. It is imperative that I focus on the positive rather than allow myself to dwell on the negative. I’ve caught glimpses of the “old” me in the last week.

Here’s my confession: I’ve not really been myself this week. It’s been a battle to stay happy, to not be depressed. It’s been a battle to get out of bed and do what needs doing each day. But, I know that even on my worst day, I have been given so much more than many, and for that I’m truly, incredibly grateful.

CONSIDER THE LILIES

“Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. “So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” The Gospel of Matthew 6:25-34

This has to be one of the most reassuring passages of scripture and contains lessons we should take to heart, especially in these trying economic and personal times. It’s been something I’ve really been trying to implement in my life over the last year or so. On Sunday, I didn’t had the off from playing for church, so I visited Lane’s church, and it just so happens this was the Gospel reading for the day. It has resonated even more within me this week, as I’ve struggled to deal with my own personal issues, fears, frustrations and insecurities.

One of the most powerful books I’ve ever read is Eckert Tolle’s “The Power of Now”. This scriptural passage is essentially what the entire book is all about. It’s about living in the present—the now, which is, essentially, all we have. It is so easy to loose sight of that when there are thousands of little things every day that are coming our way, weighing us down—how will we pay the bills? How secure are our jobs? What about the relationships in our lives?

To think that there is a Supreme source out there who cares for us more than the lilies of the field is an incredible, mind-blowing concept to grasp. It’s so simple in theory, so difficult to accept, to process.

Here’s my confession: I have lots of fears these days, and am battling anxiety like I haven’t in quite some time. I’m trying to remind myself to “consider the lilies”…to not sweat the small stuff. I struggle with what I truly believe spiritually. I struggle with worries about finances, relationships, and it seems there are always more questions than answers. On top of all that, this week has found me being exhausted beyond my wildest imagination. The lilies. They don’t toil or spin, and yet, there’s not a king with more splendor than them. I just have to remember that!

GRATITUDE 04.24.09

What a week! Hectic, Stressful, Surreal, Tiresome. Those are just SOME of the words I could use to describe the week I just went through. Yet, I’ve survived.

I find myself, as do most of us, under a great amount of work stress these days, as the economy is in the tank, the pressure is on to keep my job, to prove what I’m worth. That’s so stressful and really challenges me to find new ways to work more efficiently and produce even more.

There were some exciting moments this week, as Lane and I attended the final Birmingham performance of “Wicked” on Sunday evening and on Wednesday evening, we, along with about a dozen of our friends, sat together and laughed as we attended “Dixie’s Tupperware Party”. These diversions provided a lot of much needed stress relief.

Parker called me on Tuesday to tell me that he needed to bring back the two of our cats who have been living with him and Richard. As stressful as the thought of that sounded to me, I’ve adjusted much better than I thought I would, and so have all the members of my feline family.

Here’s my confession: I could focus on lots of negative things this week. I could focus on the stress, the anxieties, the fears, the frustrations that are my constant companions of late. However, the truth of the matter is that I know in spite of it all, I’m truly blessed. I have so very many people who truly love me. Even when I feel completely alone, I’m not. I’m surrounded by so many friends. I suppose it is the love and support of my dear friends that have kept me from losing my mind. Tonight, I am lying in bed typing this while my special kitty is sleeping beside me. I think of how simple his life must be. I think of how I wish I could achieve that type of simplicity.

THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS...

Today was, for the most part, a pretty good day, considering how difficult the rest of the week has been. Thanks to a dear confidant of mine, I’ve seen things in a much brighter light today. My spirit, though admittedly still rather heavy, is lighter and more at ease.

Tonight found me among friends being entertained by Dixie Longate and her Tupperware party at a local theater. It was good to just laugh and relax for an evening.

I know that in so very many ways my life is so beyond richly blessed. I’ve been overwhelmed with so much the last few weeks and months. I’ve hit some brick walls, and I’ve come against the speed bumps. I’ve had lots of questions, lots of fear, and lots of soul searching to do. I think I’m calming down and am starting to see things much more clearly.

Here’s my confession: Life is not always easy, and it seems like sometimes it’s all too easy to take life too seriously. I’m guilty. I have decisions to make. I have directions to follow. I have my heart to which I must be true. And, while, in many moments, especially lately, I’ve felt alone, even in the midst of my friends, I know that I’m highly blessed. And you know, this struggle I face daily, this “drama”, that this, too, shall pass. It always does.

MAKING LEMONADE

It’s been one of those weeks already and it’s only Tuesday. There’s so much pressure at work right now, so much as I work to change my work habits and be a more productive employee. Along with other pressures going on in life…Parker calls me tonight on my way to men’s chorus to ask me a favor—could he bring his two cats back to our house while he and Richard, his boyfriend, are trying to sell Richard’s condo. What am I to say? He feels bad about adding the stress to me…but our options are limited. So, now I’m the crazy cat man. Four cats. One who hasn’t liked me since the day we drove to Memphis to pick him up from the shelter, and another who doesn’t even realize I exist because she’s so hyper.

It’s just been a surreal week. There are so many things rambling around in my head, no time to stop and breathe. I’m tired. I’m stressed and in way over my head. It just seems that the powers of fate don’t always go the way we think they are going to go.
Here’s my confession: So, life has seemingly dumped an orchard full of lemons in my life….so I’m going to do all I can…I’m just going to make me some lemonade. Circumstances in life don’t always come as we plan…there’s often not a damn thing we can do about them. Just take them as they come and deal with them. That’s what I’m going to do. Lemonade, anyone? I’m about to make a fresh pitcher!

simplicity

It seems that no matter how hard I try to bring about simplicity in my life, complexity comes in and has to take over. Work is incredibly difficult, having a house on the market for ten months with zero nibbles, trying to balance an increasingly wonderful social life with enough down time for just me does not an easy task for me create.

I’m always on the run, always trying to learn something new, I’m always trying to improve and grow. Yet, it seems the more I try to take off my plate, the more that goes on my plate. It's always miles from here to there, then miles back.

I find myself often overwhelmed and underprepared. I find myself seeking a panacea or, at best, a solace from the storms of life. My panacea is not found in my piano nor does solace come completely in the wonderful friendships which have come my way over the last year.

Here’s my confession: Frustration is a constant companion, or so it seems. For, as I long to live a life of simplicity, there are so many road blocks prohibit my experiencing it fully. Simplicity—that ever elusive state of being, that state I long to experience fully is out there somewhere. I hope that one day simplicity will be mine. I’m ready to rid myself of the shackles that my daily life tend to bring.