Emotions run rampant, frustrations abound. Questions about the future remain unanswered. There’s a vision there, but it’s still a few steps away, just out of my grasp. There are moments that the scared little boy inside of me wants to lie down and cry, but I tears don’t flow. I blame a lot of that on my medication, and part of it in learning to just deal with life.
My life stays so busy…work…music…fitting in time with friends. Maybe that’s why the tears can’t find a time or outlet to flow. I stay on the go…there’s no downtime…
Here’s my confession. There’s a list of thing I’d like to accomplish a mile long. There is music I want to learn, there are friendships I want to make stronger, I want to be a better person. And, sometimes, I want to let down my guard, cry and get it all out of my system. When I can’t cry, I write, I play the piano. I find catharsis, and, I think, maybe that’s the important part.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
SEASON'S GREETINGS TO MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY
While we're still in the midst of the Twelve Days of Christmas, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the past, dwell on the present and take a look into the future.
It's been nearly two years since Parker and I decided to end our relationship. The final days of our financial entanglement are drawing neigh. We are in the process of exonerating ourselves of the house we purchased together. It's a bittersweet process, but cleansing and long overdue. Having moved myself into a much smaller dwelling, I've had to make some difficult decisions about the things that I really need to keep and what to purge. I'm finding that so many of the things I've kept for years really have no viable purpose other than taking up space, so it's time to rid myself of many of the things I've kept neatly stored for so many years. It's a beautiful metaphor, really, I'm not just de-cluttering my home, in a way, it goes much deeper, as I'm de-cluttering my life in the process.
My previous relationships have caused me to pause and look at what I really want from life. What is a relationship built on? What do I really want from a partner? What do I have to offer a partner? My last two relationships have truly given me the opportunity to stop and look what changes I need to make in my own life in order to be the best partner I can be to someone else. I do find myself surrounded by a few very close and wonderful friends who offer me more love and support than I feel worthy to receive. Over the last year and a half that I've been more involved with the gay community here, I've learned so much about relationships. I've often learned the hard way that words and actions are taken out of context, bridges are easily burned and a reputation is a difficult thing to protect. I've learned from my own relationships that you have to be careful and communicate, communicate, communicate. I've learned to look before you leap. I've learned there truly is no rush—that it is absolutely ok to take time. If it is to be, then it will be. If not, then cut your losses, move on and life your life. What I have learned is that storybook relationships really do only exist in storybooks. I've learned that there is no perfect relationship, because no two people are perfect. Yet, as I approach 2010, I am hopeful that I will find someone to date, and, maybe, I am hopeful for a little more. But, I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in my hiatus from the dating scene. And, fortunately, I have some "brothers" who are here to hold my hand and guide me as I prepare to set sail again.
I am the type of person who likes to have a plan. I like organization. I keep thinking if I can just get a handle on the finances, if I can just do this or that, everything will fall into place. I know it will. It is just going to take two special ingredients: time and patience.
I wrote my parents a letter and sent them a card for Christmas. It's been two weeks since I sent it off. I haven't heard the first thing from them. It was a kind, informative "here's what's happening in my life" kind of letter. I suppose after nearly four years of no communication, this is what it's turned into. I have tried to reach out. I think we just live in two completely different worlds—worlds, I wonder if they'll ever collide again. Those who don't know the whole story think it's just tragic on my part for the time and distance that have gone by, but those who know the store are well aware and affirming that I've done as much as I could possibly do. It feels very much like a death without closure.
Here’s my confession: What 2010 will bring is anyone’s guess. My hope is that it will bring much needed peace in several areas of my life. I hope that I will find my true calling. I hope to continue to grow as a musician; my dream is to give at least a mini piano recital. I hope to continue to grow as a friend, to learn when to keep my mouth shut (I often lack that filter between my brain and mouth). Maybe, just maybe, among all the other things that I’ll find in this year of new beginnings, I’ll find my one true love?
It's been nearly two years since Parker and I decided to end our relationship. The final days of our financial entanglement are drawing neigh. We are in the process of exonerating ourselves of the house we purchased together. It's a bittersweet process, but cleansing and long overdue. Having moved myself into a much smaller dwelling, I've had to make some difficult decisions about the things that I really need to keep and what to purge. I'm finding that so many of the things I've kept for years really have no viable purpose other than taking up space, so it's time to rid myself of many of the things I've kept neatly stored for so many years. It's a beautiful metaphor, really, I'm not just de-cluttering my home, in a way, it goes much deeper, as I'm de-cluttering my life in the process.
My previous relationships have caused me to pause and look at what I really want from life. What is a relationship built on? What do I really want from a partner? What do I have to offer a partner? My last two relationships have truly given me the opportunity to stop and look what changes I need to make in my own life in order to be the best partner I can be to someone else. I do find myself surrounded by a few very close and wonderful friends who offer me more love and support than I feel worthy to receive. Over the last year and a half that I've been more involved with the gay community here, I've learned so much about relationships. I've often learned the hard way that words and actions are taken out of context, bridges are easily burned and a reputation is a difficult thing to protect. I've learned from my own relationships that you have to be careful and communicate, communicate, communicate. I've learned to look before you leap. I've learned there truly is no rush—that it is absolutely ok to take time. If it is to be, then it will be. If not, then cut your losses, move on and life your life. What I have learned is that storybook relationships really do only exist in storybooks. I've learned that there is no perfect relationship, because no two people are perfect. Yet, as I approach 2010, I am hopeful that I will find someone to date, and, maybe, I am hopeful for a little more. But, I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in my hiatus from the dating scene. And, fortunately, I have some "brothers" who are here to hold my hand and guide me as I prepare to set sail again.
I am the type of person who likes to have a plan. I like organization. I keep thinking if I can just get a handle on the finances, if I can just do this or that, everything will fall into place. I know it will. It is just going to take two special ingredients: time and patience.
I wrote my parents a letter and sent them a card for Christmas. It's been two weeks since I sent it off. I haven't heard the first thing from them. It was a kind, informative "here's what's happening in my life" kind of letter. I suppose after nearly four years of no communication, this is what it's turned into. I have tried to reach out. I think we just live in two completely different worlds—worlds, I wonder if they'll ever collide again. Those who don't know the whole story think it's just tragic on my part for the time and distance that have gone by, but those who know the store are well aware and affirming that I've done as much as I could possibly do. It feels very much like a death without closure.
Here’s my confession: What 2010 will bring is anyone’s guess. My hope is that it will bring much needed peace in several areas of my life. I hope that I will find my true calling. I hope to continue to grow as a musician; my dream is to give at least a mini piano recital. I hope to continue to grow as a friend, to learn when to keep my mouth shut (I often lack that filter between my brain and mouth). Maybe, just maybe, among all the other things that I’ll find in this year of new beginnings, I’ll find my one true love?
Saturday, January 2, 2010
NEW YEAR’S GRATITUDE 01.01.10
It’s almost difficult to believe that 2009 is now part of the history books. What a year of changes, blessings and experiences. Despite some experiences I’d rather not relive, I’ve been blessed to have some very amazing people and experiences that have changed my outlook on life, the direction my life is heading and my life in general.
It has been a while since I updated my blog. In keeping with my previous practice of writing a gratitude blog on Fridays, tonight affords me the opportunity to both update my blog (which is one of my new year’s resolutions) and express gratitude for things present and still to come (yet another resolution)
I’m grateful for the people who have come into my life this year. Gray, Trent & Kyle have changed my life. I’m grateful for the insight these dear friends bring to my life, along with the enjoyment and comfort our friendship embody.
I’m grateful for the many wonderful experiences of 2009. I had the opportunity to spend time with several close friends throughout the year. My travels included trips to North Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky and Florida.
I’m grateful for the musical blessings in my life. I continue to grow as an accompanist, have enjoyed my experience as President of the Men’s Chorus, and the friendships that have come from the group.
Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for the past, but it’s not in the past that I reside. It is the present. I’m grateful for where I am today. I’m grateful for the people and experiences that have gotten me where I am today. I’m grateful for tomorrow. While tomorrow is not promised, I’m grateful for the potential of a new day, for the potential in me. I’m grateful for the new year that is dawning and for the opportunity to grow personally as well as in love and gratitude.
It has been a while since I updated my blog. In keeping with my previous practice of writing a gratitude blog on Fridays, tonight affords me the opportunity to both update my blog (which is one of my new year’s resolutions) and express gratitude for things present and still to come (yet another resolution)
I’m grateful for the people who have come into my life this year. Gray, Trent & Kyle have changed my life. I’m grateful for the insight these dear friends bring to my life, along with the enjoyment and comfort our friendship embody.
I’m grateful for the many wonderful experiences of 2009. I had the opportunity to spend time with several close friends throughout the year. My travels included trips to North Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky and Florida.
I’m grateful for the musical blessings in my life. I continue to grow as an accompanist, have enjoyed my experience as President of the Men’s Chorus, and the friendships that have come from the group.
Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for the past, but it’s not in the past that I reside. It is the present. I’m grateful for where I am today. I’m grateful for the people and experiences that have gotten me where I am today. I’m grateful for tomorrow. While tomorrow is not promised, I’m grateful for the potential of a new day, for the potential in me. I’m grateful for the new year that is dawning and for the opportunity to grow personally as well as in love and gratitude.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
KEEP ON KEEPING ON
There is so much going on in my world, and it seems like there’s always something else to do, somewhere else to go. There are always some new skills I have to learn. There are new ways of doing my job, there are pressures upon pressures, stresses upon stresses. There’s the house that won’t sell, the bills that won’t pay themselves. And, honestly, there are days when to want to say to hell with it all and just give up.
Why don’t I? It’s because I can’t. I have to press on. There are people who are depending on me. There are too many people who believe in me for me to give up. It’s my closest friends who are my cheerleaders—the ones who keep me going. Yet, there’s another reason. It’s me. I can’t give up on myself. I’ve come too far in the last couple of years to allow myself to give up too easily. Certainly, I wish things were easier, I wish there weren’t the pressure from all angles of my life for everything to happen all at once.
Here’s my confession: I get so frustrated at the things in life sometimes. Yet, I know I have a support structure in place that will hold me up no matter the situation. I have good group of people I love and trust with me. So, I’ll wake up in the morning, the merry-go-round will still be going. I’ll climb back on, go for another thousand or so rounds and do it all over again and again. There will be some point out there for rest in the not too distant future. Oh, that there were only an easier way to accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished. My spirit, my soul, my body is tired and weary, but I press on for another day.
Why don’t I? It’s because I can’t. I have to press on. There are people who are depending on me. There are too many people who believe in me for me to give up. It’s my closest friends who are my cheerleaders—the ones who keep me going. Yet, there’s another reason. It’s me. I can’t give up on myself. I’ve come too far in the last couple of years to allow myself to give up too easily. Certainly, I wish things were easier, I wish there weren’t the pressure from all angles of my life for everything to happen all at once.
Here’s my confession: I get so frustrated at the things in life sometimes. Yet, I know I have a support structure in place that will hold me up no matter the situation. I have good group of people I love and trust with me. So, I’ll wake up in the morning, the merry-go-round will still be going. I’ll climb back on, go for another thousand or so rounds and do it all over again and again. There will be some point out there for rest in the not too distant future. Oh, that there were only an easier way to accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished. My spirit, my soul, my body is tired and weary, but I press on for another day.
Monday, August 31, 2009
WHAT I DID THIS SUMMER
Summer is drawing to a close, schools are back in session, and my blog has been sitting here neglected for a while. So, I've decided to dust off the blog, and, in so doing, like many school children, I'll write an essay about "What I Did This Summer".
I took up a new hobby this summer. I am learning to crochet. I've yet to complete a project, but I am getting close. I began learning while on my trip to North Carolina with friends in May and have been determined to learn and create since then. Crochet is an incredibly relaxing activity, and something I believe I've done every single day since mid-May. I have a couple of projects under construction at this point. Stay tuned, as I'll be posting pictures of the finished creations.
I've spent lots of time with Gray and Trent, two of the dearest people who have ever dropped into my life. They each bring gifts of love and joy to my life and we provide mutual sounding boards from which to vent.
The summer started with a bang with the signing of a contract on the house that Parker and I have been trying to sell for more than a year. Our dreams of non-home ownership were dashed when the couple purchasing the house backed out due to an announcement that Norfolk-Southern is planning to build a Railroad Hub just miles from the house. Back to the drawing board. There's been zero interest since then. The housing market will eventually recover, and I just have to take solace in the fact that, for whatever reason, THIS was not OUR time.
In July, I visited with my friends Lee and Jane in Kentucky for several days. That was a wonderful, relaxing break from the normal day to day. To think that I've been friends with these two wonderful people for 14 and 15 years is simply amazing.
I've set some challenges for myself to learn new music for the piano. I am learning and attempting for the first time to memorize a few classical pieces, and am looking to also learn some hymn arrangements. My ultimate goal is to do something I've never done before-to give a piano recital.
I had some firsts this summer. I attended my very first gay pride parade, I took a shot of Patron Tequila and I even used a lawnmower for the first time in years.
Here's my confession: This summer has gone by so quickly, but it's been a good one. I've been so incredibly blessed in the last year to have people who have welcomed me into their lives. There are a million things on my plate that I really want to accomplish. There are many things I want to change about myself. I think I am at a place in my life where I am at peace with being single. When and if the time comes, when and if "HE" comes along, the time will be right. Right now, I don't think, is the right time. And, after all these many years, I'm ok with that. I'm continually examining my spirituality. As I look at my life, especially over the last few months, I identify many areas where I need to focus on growing. I see many things I don't like, many situations that are, to me, less than ideal. Some of these things I can control. Others, I simply have to take one day at a time and hope for the very best of outcomes. Yet, all in all, I'm learning about me. I think that's what this summer has been about. As cliché as it sounds, each day is the beginning of a new journey. It's not about how I live from paycheck to paycheck, it's not about where I live. It's not about pains I've suffered or people I've lost in my life. It's not about stuff. At the end of the day, it IS about the people who surround me, who walk this journey with me. It's about the friends who act as cheerleaders to me...the ones who call me out when I miss the mark, and those who celebrate my successes along side me. It's really all about where I am right now in the journey—with an eye to the past and an eye to the future—but truly allowing myself to immerse myself in the here and now. And you know what? I'm liking what I see.
I took up a new hobby this summer. I am learning to crochet. I've yet to complete a project, but I am getting close. I began learning while on my trip to North Carolina with friends in May and have been determined to learn and create since then. Crochet is an incredibly relaxing activity, and something I believe I've done every single day since mid-May. I have a couple of projects under construction at this point. Stay tuned, as I'll be posting pictures of the finished creations.
I've spent lots of time with Gray and Trent, two of the dearest people who have ever dropped into my life. They each bring gifts of love and joy to my life and we provide mutual sounding boards from which to vent.
The summer started with a bang with the signing of a contract on the house that Parker and I have been trying to sell for more than a year. Our dreams of non-home ownership were dashed when the couple purchasing the house backed out due to an announcement that Norfolk-Southern is planning to build a Railroad Hub just miles from the house. Back to the drawing board. There's been zero interest since then. The housing market will eventually recover, and I just have to take solace in the fact that, for whatever reason, THIS was not OUR time.
In July, I visited with my friends Lee and Jane in Kentucky for several days. That was a wonderful, relaxing break from the normal day to day. To think that I've been friends with these two wonderful people for 14 and 15 years is simply amazing.
I've set some challenges for myself to learn new music for the piano. I am learning and attempting for the first time to memorize a few classical pieces, and am looking to also learn some hymn arrangements. My ultimate goal is to do something I've never done before-to give a piano recital.
I had some firsts this summer. I attended my very first gay pride parade, I took a shot of Patron Tequila and I even used a lawnmower for the first time in years.
Here's my confession: This summer has gone by so quickly, but it's been a good one. I've been so incredibly blessed in the last year to have people who have welcomed me into their lives. There are a million things on my plate that I really want to accomplish. There are many things I want to change about myself. I think I am at a place in my life where I am at peace with being single. When and if the time comes, when and if "HE" comes along, the time will be right. Right now, I don't think, is the right time. And, after all these many years, I'm ok with that. I'm continually examining my spirituality. As I look at my life, especially over the last few months, I identify many areas where I need to focus on growing. I see many things I don't like, many situations that are, to me, less than ideal. Some of these things I can control. Others, I simply have to take one day at a time and hope for the very best of outcomes. Yet, all in all, I'm learning about me. I think that's what this summer has been about. As cliché as it sounds, each day is the beginning of a new journey. It's not about how I live from paycheck to paycheck, it's not about where I live. It's not about pains I've suffered or people I've lost in my life. It's not about stuff. At the end of the day, it IS about the people who surround me, who walk this journey with me. It's about the friends who act as cheerleaders to me...the ones who call me out when I miss the mark, and those who celebrate my successes along side me. It's really all about where I am right now in the journey—with an eye to the past and an eye to the future—but truly allowing myself to immerse myself in the here and now. And you know what? I'm liking what I see.
Monday, July 27, 2009
SEARCHING FOR AUTHENTIC SPIRITUALITY
I just finished listening to Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. The book is absolutely amazing and speaks so completely to the search that I believe, if we’re being honest, truly speaks to the quest in each of us, to find our way to the Source, or “God”.
The journey to find God, and an authentic spiritual experience is something I’ve traveled for so many years. From childhood, as a Southern Baptist, I found peace in what I was taught, then along the way, I realized my true beliefs were incongruent with the teachings of my denomination. I shopped around a bit, stopped off briefly in the United Methodist Church and have spent the last decade as a Catholic.
I don’t discount the teachings of the Buddha or The Christ. In fact, I see how bits and pieces of the traditions truly compliment one another.
Here’s my confession: I love calling myself a Catholic, although my personal beliefs more likely resemble the teachings of the Episcopal church. Yet, I just seek to find peace and joy in my faith. God, the source, is bigger than our feeble minds can comprehend. Yet, I know I am going to experience an authentic experience of faith.
The journey to find God, and an authentic spiritual experience is something I’ve traveled for so many years. From childhood, as a Southern Baptist, I found peace in what I was taught, then along the way, I realized my true beliefs were incongruent with the teachings of my denomination. I shopped around a bit, stopped off briefly in the United Methodist Church and have spent the last decade as a Catholic.
I don’t discount the teachings of the Buddha or The Christ. In fact, I see how bits and pieces of the traditions truly compliment one another.
Here’s my confession: I love calling myself a Catholic, although my personal beliefs more likely resemble the teachings of the Episcopal church. Yet, I just seek to find peace and joy in my faith. God, the source, is bigger than our feeble minds can comprehend. Yet, I know I am going to experience an authentic experience of faith.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
SEASONS OF LOVE: GRATITUDE
This week I celebrated my 36th birthday. I was surrounded by friends—all but one of whom I did not know one year ago when I celebrated my 35th birthday. Sitting there at my birthday dinner, I was reminded how very much has changed in my life over the last year. I was reminded how many wonderful people have come into my life, how many amazing experiences and growth have come my way in those 12 months since I turned 35.
I think the single most important thing I did during the last year happened the evening last August when I walked into the open rehearsal for the Magic City Choral Society. Little did I know how that would be one of the most brave and life-changing moments. Little did I know that I was about to meet some of the most incredible people and people were soon to become my family. Little did I know that I was about to embark on the greatest adventure of my life.
In the last year of my life, I’ve discovered so many strengths and know who I am better than I did a year ago. People have come into my life, not only in the choir, but people I’ve met through my friends in the choir that are now the most important people in my life. These are people who have touched my life in ways I can’t quite possibly put into words.
Here’s my confession: I’ve experienced so much over the last year. Yet, hopefully, the last year is only the beginning. My lack of a relationship with my family of origin is something about which I’ve reached a place of peace, but I’m blessed with a family of choice that is out of this world. There are lots of things in my life I don’t quite have figured out, but what I do have lots of good in my life, despite the ups and downs that are a part of my life. Life is good. And, I’m happy to have celebrated another year of goodness. I’m enjoying the adventure. Thank you, dear friends—far and near—for the important role you have in my life!
I think the single most important thing I did during the last year happened the evening last August when I walked into the open rehearsal for the Magic City Choral Society. Little did I know how that would be one of the most brave and life-changing moments. Little did I know that I was about to meet some of the most incredible people and people were soon to become my family. Little did I know that I was about to embark on the greatest adventure of my life.
In the last year of my life, I’ve discovered so many strengths and know who I am better than I did a year ago. People have come into my life, not only in the choir, but people I’ve met through my friends in the choir that are now the most important people in my life. These are people who have touched my life in ways I can’t quite possibly put into words.
Here’s my confession: I’ve experienced so much over the last year. Yet, hopefully, the last year is only the beginning. My lack of a relationship with my family of origin is something about which I’ve reached a place of peace, but I’m blessed with a family of choice that is out of this world. There are lots of things in my life I don’t quite have figured out, but what I do have lots of good in my life, despite the ups and downs that are a part of my life. Life is good. And, I’m happy to have celebrated another year of goodness. I’m enjoying the adventure. Thank you, dear friends—far and near—for the important role you have in my life!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
