THINKING

I’ve spent a lot of today thinking. I’ve been thinking of many things, my true calling, the many blessings in my life and where my life is headed. I’m thinking about friends who mean so much to me, friends who know me so very much better than I even know myself.

I’ve been thinking about how I have so many dreams inside this head of mine. I’ve been thinking about how good life is, in so many ways, yet how frustrated I am that I don’t see things moving faster than I wish they would.

I think of how afraid I am to start dating again—how afraid I am of putting my heart out there again—of taking that risk of being loved or not having the love returned. I think of how much I’ve grown in this interim period since I’ve dated anyone, and how it hasn’t killed me, how I really haven’t known a great deal of loneliness, either, thanks to the amazing people in my life.

I think of how many things have changed in my life in the last year. I think of the sacrifices I’ve had to make, I think of the things I’ve gained, and I think of where each of these will take me as I bravely approach the tomorrows.

I’m thinking of the family of origin that I used to know so well, but who today are merely strangers. I think of how my life has gone on and how many people feel the void in my life, and I can’t help thinking, too, has life gone on for my family, too?

Here’s my confession: I spend a lot of time thinking. I think of a life I want to be living. I think of what is really standing in my way of living that life to the fullest. What is it? Nothing. Sure, there are things like money and time, but those are mere stepping stones. It’s all going to take care of itself. I think, and I pray about the future. I think, and I pray for guidance. I think, and I pray for a peace that passes my understanding. And, most importantly, I think of all the people who will help me get to the other side of my dreams. It’s you. It’s you, my dear friends…with your love, your support and dreaming right along side me. And, really, isn’t that all I really need? I think so.

GRATITUDE 01.08.10

I’ve made it to the end of another week. It’s been a week which in many ways, I’d just as soon forget. Yet, in the midst of the stress and frustration, I pause to find moments of gratitude.

I’m most grateful for my dear friends who in so many more ways than they even know, make my life worth living. I’m grateful for those who are so willing to be my sounding board, and support me without question or fail.

I’m grateful for the beauty of yesterday’s snow showers. Although there was no accumulation, there is something just beautiful about snowfall, especially here in Birmingham, Alabama, where winter weather of any kind is out of the norm. I’m grateful that I have a roof over my head, and a warm bed in which to sleep when there are so many that aren’t as blessed.

I’m grateful for the many hopes and dreams that are very much alive in my life. I have so many people encouraging me to follow my heart. I imagine there will have been many changes in my life a year from now. I’m grateful for the changes looming on the horizon.

Here’s my confession: There are many moments in our all our lives we’d rather forget than relive. However, if we are honest, it’s these difficult moments that define our character and make us able to deal with the things that come our way. We may not be happy in the job we have, but at least we have a job. We may not like the house where we live, but at least we have shelter. Developing an attitude of gratitude is far more productive than wallowing around in our own self-pity, self-defeat or loathing.

Each new day we are given is a present. I have so many wonderful blessings in my life. I hope I can find within me the gratitude for the blessings rather than curses for a life not lived to the fullest.

EPIPHANAL MOMENTS

“And when they saw the star, they rejoiced with great joy.”

Today is Epiphany. I’ve been reflecting on how the wise men must have felt when they arrived at the place where the baby Jesus lay. I’ve also though of how it feels in my own life when I reach an Epiphany. Life is full of little epiphanies. They are special moments in our lives. Just as we are told the wise men rejoiced with exceeding great joy, those moments when we just “get it” are a cause for rejoicing for us.

Not all epiphanies are earth-shattering, but all are important. They lead us and guide us in the choices we make in our daily lives. They are those simple “ah-ha” moments that get us out of the mundane and call us to action.

Here’s my confession: Epiphanies don’t usually come to us every day. I have to confess I wish there were more epiphanies in my life. I wish I had the answers to some of the most important questions in my life. I wish I knew the feeling of exceeding great joy the wise men knew when they found the place where Jesus lay.

WHEN YOU CAN’T CRY

Emotions run rampant, frustrations abound. Questions about the future remain unanswered. There’s a vision there, but it’s still a few steps away, just out of my grasp. There are moments that the scared little boy inside of me wants to lie down and cry, but I tears don’t flow. I blame a lot of that on my medication, and part of it in learning to just deal with life.

My life stays so busy…work…music…fitting in time with friends. Maybe that’s why the tears can’t find a time or outlet to flow. I stay on the go…there’s no downtime…

Here’s my confession. There’s a list of thing I’d like to accomplish a mile long. There is music I want to learn, there are friendships I want to make stronger, I want to be a better person. And, sometimes, I want to let down my guard, cry and get it all out of my system. When I can’t cry, I write, I play the piano. I find catharsis, and, I think, maybe that’s the important part.

SEASON'S GREETINGS TO MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY

While we're still in the midst of the Twelve Days of Christmas, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the past, dwell on the present and take a look into the future.

It's been nearly two years since Parker and I decided to end our relationship. The final days of our financial entanglement are drawing neigh. We are in the process of exonerating ourselves of the house we purchased together. It's a bittersweet process, but cleansing and long overdue. Having moved myself into a much smaller dwelling, I've had to make some difficult decisions about the things that I really need to keep and what to purge. I'm finding that so many of the things I've kept for years really have no viable purpose other than taking up space, so it's time to rid myself of many of the things I've kept neatly stored for so many years. It's a beautiful metaphor, really, I'm not just de-cluttering my home, in a way, it goes much deeper, as I'm de-cluttering my life in the process.

My previous relationships have caused me to pause and look at what I really want from life. What is a relationship built on? What do I really want from a partner? What do I have to offer a partner? My last two relationships have truly given me the opportunity to stop and look what changes I need to make in my own life in order to be the best partner I can be to someone else. I do find myself surrounded by a few very close and wonderful friends who offer me more love and support than I feel worthy to receive. Over the last year and a half that I've been more involved with the gay community here, I've learned so much about relationships. I've often learned the hard way that words and actions are taken out of context, bridges are easily burned and a reputation is a difficult thing to protect. I've learned from my own relationships that you have to be careful and communicate, communicate, communicate. I've learned to look before you leap. I've learned there truly is no rush—that it is absolutely ok to take time. If it is to be, then it will be. If not, then cut your losses, move on and life your life. What I have learned is that storybook relationships really do only exist in storybooks. I've learned that there is no perfect relationship, because no two people are perfect. Yet, as I approach 2010, I am hopeful that I will find someone to date, and, maybe, I am hopeful for a little more. But, I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in my hiatus from the dating scene. And, fortunately, I have some "brothers" who are here to hold my hand and guide me as I prepare to set sail again.

I am the type of person who likes to have a plan. I like organization. I keep thinking if I can just get a handle on the finances, if I can just do this or that, everything will fall into place. I know it will. It is just going to take two special ingredients: time and patience.

I wrote my parents a letter and sent them a card for Christmas. It's been two weeks since I sent it off. I haven't heard the first thing from them. It was a kind, informative "here's what's happening in my life" kind of letter. I suppose after nearly four years of no communication, this is what it's turned into. I have tried to reach out. I think we just live in two completely different worlds—worlds, I wonder if they'll ever collide again. Those who don't know the whole story think it's just tragic on my part for the time and distance that have gone by, but those who know the store are well aware and affirming that I've done as much as I could possibly do. It feels very much like a death without closure.

Here’s my confession: What 2010 will bring is anyone’s guess. My hope is that it will bring much needed peace in several areas of my life. I hope that I will find my true calling. I hope to continue to grow as a musician; my dream is to give at least a mini piano recital. I hope to continue to grow as a friend, to learn when to keep my mouth shut (I often lack that filter between my brain and mouth). Maybe, just maybe, among all the other things that I’ll find in this year of new beginnings, I’ll find my one true love?

NEW YEAR’S GRATITUDE 01.01.10

It’s almost difficult to believe that 2009 is now part of the history books. What a year of changes, blessings and experiences. Despite some experiences I’d rather not relive, I’ve been blessed to have some very amazing people and experiences that have changed my outlook on life, the direction my life is heading and my life in general.

It has been a while since I updated my blog. In keeping with my previous practice of writing a gratitude blog on Fridays, tonight affords me the opportunity to both update my blog (which is one of my new year’s resolutions) and express gratitude for things present and still to come (yet another resolution)

I’m grateful for the people who have come into my life this year. Gray, Trent & Kyle have changed my life. I’m grateful for the insight these dear friends bring to my life, along with the enjoyment and comfort our friendship embody.

I’m grateful for the many wonderful experiences of 2009. I had the opportunity to spend time with several close friends throughout the year. My travels included trips to North Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky and Florida.

I’m grateful for the musical blessings in my life. I continue to grow as an accompanist, have enjoyed my experience as President of the Men’s Chorus, and the friendships that have come from the group.

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for the past, but it’s not in the past that I reside. It is the present. I’m grateful for where I am today. I’m grateful for the people and experiences that have gotten me where I am today. I’m grateful for tomorrow. While tomorrow is not promised, I’m grateful for the potential of a new day, for the potential in me. I’m grateful for the new year that is dawning and for the opportunity to grow personally as well as in love and gratitude.

KEEP ON KEEPING ON

There is so much going on in my world, and it seems like there’s always something else to do, somewhere else to go. There are always some new skills I have to learn. There are new ways of doing my job, there are pressures upon pressures, stresses upon stresses. There’s the house that won’t sell, the bills that won’t pay themselves. And, honestly, there are days when to want to say to hell with it all and just give up.

Why don’t I? It’s because I can’t. I have to press on. There are people who are depending on me. There are too many people who believe in me for me to give up. It’s my closest friends who are my cheerleaders—the ones who keep me going. Yet, there’s another reason. It’s me. I can’t give up on myself. I’ve come too far in the last couple of years to allow myself to give up too easily. Certainly, I wish things were easier, I wish there weren’t the pressure from all angles of my life for everything to happen all at once.

Here’s my confession: I get so frustrated at the things in life sometimes. Yet, I know I have a support structure in place that will hold me up no matter the situation. I have good group of people I love and trust with me. So, I’ll wake up in the morning, the merry-go-round will still be going. I’ll climb back on, go for another thousand or so rounds and do it all over again and again. There will be some point out there for rest in the not too distant future. Oh, that there were only an easier way to accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished. My spirit, my soul, my body is tired and weary, but I press on for another day.