HOW LONG, O LORD?

To me, one of the most comforting passages of scripture has always been Psalm 13 which reads:
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.”

I’ve found myself in recent weeks in just a state of being, for lack of a better term, unsettled. While none of us know what tomorrow holds, I’d just like to have a grasp, a glimpse, an idea. So many dreams, so many fears, so many possibilities.

I’ve come so very far in the last couple of years of life. There have been periods of sustained and visible growth in who I am, changes I set out to make and there have been times when I feel like I’ve hit the brick wall and may never bounce back. The truth is, I almost always bounce back.

I have a lot of hopes, I have a lot of dreams, and I have a lot of fears. How often do I feel that I have just been left here to figure it all out on my own, like my God has, as the Psalmist puts it, forgotten me. The scripture passage has meant so very much to me since I first read it as a teenager, when I first began wrestling and coming to grips with my sexual identity. No other scripture passage brought me comfort during those difficult times.

Here’s my confession: I try, every day, to look for ways to grow as a friend, as a member of society and as an individual. I often wrestle with discovering exactly who I am. I wrestle with the direction my life is heading. I try to be true to myself, and thereby true to others. I hope to that end I am overwhelmingly, abundantly successful. I can’t help wondering about what lies ahead for me personally, professionally, spiritually. I know that change is coming. I am confident that I’m going to meet my special someone, I’m confident that all will be well and there will be peace. But above all that, I am confident that no, my God has not forgotten me. I’m confident that the plans are firmly in place. Those plans will happen not in my timing, but in the timing of the supreme power of an almighty and all-loving God. Therefore, even in the midst of my questioning, my pondering, my impatience, I can be certain that God’s still listening to my prayers, God’s face is not hidden from me, and all the wrestling will one day come to an end.

GRATITUDE 01.22.10

I’ve had such a feeling of being “unsettled” this week that it’s almost overwhelming. Yet, even in the midst of a week that has been up and down for me emotionally, I’m grateful.

I am grateful for a successful week at work in which for the first time in a VERY long time, I have not only made my monthly sales quota, but exceeded it. My bank account and I are both delighted about that.

I’m grateful for friends who have come into my life by such serendipitous means. This week I have discovered some long lost friends online and have even made a few new friends.

I’m grateful for an amazing start to the spring season of the MCCS. We are starting out with well over 90 men. That’s something to be so very proud of. This should be our greatest semester to date.

I’m grateful for the gifts of love that are in my life from so many sources. While my cats frustrate me sometimes, I feel their love in the ways they know to give it. I’m grateful for my close friends who support me in a way I could have never imagined. If someone had told me two years ago that I would have as many friends as I now have, I imagine I would have laughed in their face. To think that I would have come out of my shell so much in such a short amount of time is just mind boggling. For all the worst and all the best, I have been blessed.

I’m grateful for the things I may all too often take for granted—my musical abilities. While I am not perfect, I know I’ve been blessed with skills many only dream of possessing. I’ve grown so much as a musician in the last few years that it’s beyond my comprehension. My hope and prayer is the patience and perseverance to keep growing.

Here’s my confession: While I’m very much in a state of being unsettled, I believe I see some peace in the midst of the storm. The last couple of nights I’ve been able to sit down and do nothing. I pray for more of these simplistic evenings. I’m grateful for the beauty in my life. Things are not always perfect, peaceful and joyous, but it all balances out, somehow, in the end. I’m grateful for the beauty in this life and the many people on the journey with me who make it so beautiful!

LOST

The last couple of years, and especially the last few months of my life have been filled with constant and seemingly unstoppable change. I’m in a place professionally where I often question what I’m really doing and why I’m doing. I’ve spent the better part of the last year as a single gay man, and I have recently begun to wonder about life in the dating world again. I’ve walked away from a house Parker and I should have known better than to purchase.

I’m estranged from a family into which I was always the oddball anyway. I often wonder why things have happened as they have. I’d be lying if I said I don’t wonder what my family of origin is doing. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish for some sort of closure. I’d also be lying if I said that my family of choice I’ve created over the last couple of years as an adult isn’t the greatest blessing in my life.

Worries about money, relationships that have not yet come to fruition consume my thoughts.

Questions about my spiritual life also cause me question my faith, to constantly examine the faith I hold so dear. It seems to be a part of my life in a constant state of evolution. Like so many, I take my place at the church and follow all the rituals, but rarely leave changed any more than I was before the mass began.

Here’s my confession: There are so many more questions in my day to day than answers. I often feel lost. I feel a need for closure in so many areas and the necessity to leap forward in still others. What I do daily is try to be the best friend I can possibly be. I seek to grow as a friend, an employee, a musician and, someday, partner to some wonderful man. It’s frustrating, being surrounded by so many people I know and knowing that I, myself, am on an uncharted territory. The best I can do is know that the tomorrows will be brighter than so many wildest dreams.

THE MASKS WE WEAR

We all wear masks. We wear them to hide the pain, insecurities, and fears. We may also wear them to make ourselves appear more important, influential or more superior. Maybe we wear the masks not to fool other people, but to fool ourselves into believing we are something we aren’t.

Masks are there to protect us from the cruel cold realities of this world. The masks are there to hide our flaws or to accentuate or strengths—either real or imagined. While the masks we wear are not literal, I can’t help wondering how much Plaster of Paris it would take to create the real masks some of us wear.

Maybe we wear masks to protect those we love. Maybe we don’t want them to see the ugly that is underneath. What if our masks were to crack? What if our mask were to fall to the ground and crumble into a million pieces? Would those who truly love us love us any less? For if they love us, shouldn’t we let them know who we really are?

What if, just briefly, the masks came off? Would we find freedom or scorn? What if, by simply removing the mask we were able to truly able to articulate who we truly are, the emotions, the fears, and frustrations that have until that moment been hidden? What if, for a moment, we are able to love ourselves more deeply? What if we start being honest not only with ourselves, but those we profess to love gain a new love for us?

Here’s my confession: I wear a mask. There’s the public mask and the private mask. Usually, though, I believe those who know and love me find the masks pretty transparent. I want those who are part of my life to know me, to be able to tell what I’m feeling, what I’m trying to hide and call me down for it. I hope you, my friend, will consider removing your mask, if only for a moment. Take a look in the mirror—look at the beauty God has created in you. It’s there. You may have to scrape away the remnants left behind by the mask. God is love. You are God’s. Remove the mask. Share the love.

LESSONS IN LOVE

I’ve spent the last few days just thinking about things in life-what I want, where life is headed, where I’ve been. I’ve thought of how far I’ve come in the last couple of years—how I’ve gone from a shy person who didn’t really know a lot of people to a person who is in a position of leadership within the “gay” community here. I’ve gone from being such a co-dependant person to being mostly independent. My life has been in a constant state of change for a while now.

In the last couple of years, I’ve discovered many of my strengths and weaknesses. I’ve had good days and bad days. The greatest thing I’ve found is love. No, not the erotic kind of love, but a love between friends, a love that has come from my family of choice, and perhaps, in ways I’m still learning, love that comes from learning to love myself.

Here’s my confession: I’ve not always loved myself. There are days that I still don’t. But, there are far more days than not that I am filled with gratitude to still be on this earth. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what your friends think of you, it doesn’t matter what your parents think, and it doesn’t even matter what those outside voices tell you. What matters is what you know and believe to be true in your heart of hearts. For love true love comes from within, and that love from God, and love doesn’t get any more pure or real than that.

GRATITUDE 01.15.10

This has been for me a week of intense introspection. There’s no real reason, but my facebook status updates for the last several days have consisted of only one word updates. Perhaps some day I’ll understand what those words mean myself.

I’m grateful for the many blessings that have come to me this week. My greatest blessings remain to be the friends who hold such a very special place in my life. This week I’ve enjoyed some very fun times with Christopher and Grant. I enjoyed a fun-filled evening with Kyle last weekend, too. Men’s chorus began again this week. This group is absolutely one of the most important parts of my life. It’s through this group of men that I’ve found my voice, my social outlet, and an outpouring of love. It’s where I’ve found a large part of my family of choice.

I’m grateful for a week in which I was successful at work. I continue to remind myself how incredibly blessed I am to even have a job. I continue to be grateful for all the many words of encouragement offered me by my colleagues and clients.

I’m grateful for the opportunities that lie ahead for me. I’m grateful for the one with whom I’ve yet to meet and fall in love. I have learned a lot in the interim period. I’ve learned a lot about myself, patience, and how to love and accept things about myself.

Here’s my confession: I’m not always as content as I wish I were. I struggle every day. But, I’m a work in progress. I’m blessed to have friends who keep me grounded, I have people who care, and that alone is worthy of all my gratitude.

THE RAINBOW CONNECTION

In the last year, no doubt, if you’ve followed my blog or know me in person, you've witnessed many changes in my life. I've gone from having a “non-boyfriend boyfriend” to being single. You've seen me struggle with the house. You've seen me frustrated about work. You've seen me make mistakes; you've heard me say things I shouldn't have said, things that have been misinterpreted. You've listened to stories about my life. Yet, you've yet to see me cry.

Why haven't I cried? I don't know. Maybe I don't cry any more. There are times that my frustrations with money, life situation, living situation, professional life and even all the extra activities in which I'm involved are often more than I can handle, but I keep my head up. I keep going against the current. There are not a lot of things I try to hide from my closest friends and I can't hide much from them anyway. There are times that my patience is tried, there have been times when my dreams have been tossed and torn. There are times I pray for a flood of tears, but they just don't fall.

I've come a long way since that day almost two years ago when Parker and I decided to call our relationship quits. I've come a long way since I finally broke free of Lane. I've found something I never in my wildest imagination thought I'd find...independence and strength...an independence and strength that I am certain that I still haven't fully realized. Until recently, I have been content with being single. But, there's a part of me that longs to share this life while I still can. The truth of the matter is that I am lost. I don't know how to date. I've never really dated. My dates have turned into instant relationships. I feel like a teenager who doesn't know what to do. It's scary to me to be out here in the big old world. A friend’s question the other day sent me into a tailspin of contemplation: Why AREN'T people knocking down my door to get to me? Maybe I'm too nice? Maybe I'm too flirty? Maybe I've just not found the one yet? I do take solace in what my dear friends have told me...anyone who really gets to know me—the real me—can't help falling in love with me. That means a lot to me. That means a world to me. I do want to date. I want to experience life to its fullest.

I've found in my time on earth that it is true that everything happens for a reason. I go through a situation and learn lessons from that situation and apply it to the next situation. Mostly, I am happy in this life I've been given. There are a few strokes in the painting I would change, but the flaws are there for a reason, they are like scars that remind me of some event that I overcame, some situation that changed my life.

I wake up each morning thankful that I have a job to go to, regardless how miserably malcontent the people I work with and I are when we get there. I long to explore the next chapter of my life...a new career...a new love....and for the first time in my life, I'm surrounded by friends who REALLY do love me. I never thought myself worthy of such love, such friendship, such devotion, but I now accept that I am.

Worry. I do worry. I worry about money. I worry about how I'm going to pay the rent, the bills and fit everything in that needs to be fit in. The difference is that I no longer let that worry consume me. I don't worry that my family of origin does not bother to contact me. I don't worry, because I know that no matter how dismal things may look, I'm never alone.

Here's my confession: One day I'll find the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I imagine at the end of that rainbow is much joy, success, happiness, peace and LOVE. I imagine a day, maybe not so far way, when I am able to give love and receive love. I imagine a day when I'll love when I'm doing what I love, and love what I'm doing. I imagine a day when my faith will rebound and I won't be going through the motions. I imagine a day when today's struggles are tomorrow's humor. I imagine a day, not so far away, when I'll be complete, when problems find their solutions, when dreams never die. I imagine a day. I imagine a night. I imagine a lifetime. And, I imagine you'll be there, too. I imagine that just like that beautiful rainbow, my life, now a little tired and grey will shine again, will shine anew with beautiful and vibrant tones. One day I'll find it—the Rainbow Connection. The Lovers, The Dreamers. And Me.