I had an amazing day. I drove to Atlanta to visit with a college friend I haven’t seen since 2004. CJ and I met when he was my neighbor my freshman year of college in 1992 and enjoyed an instant friendship and, in many ways, a brotherhood. My family adopted him as one of their own. It wasn’t until about a week before he graduated that I learned a secret he had been holding from me. We were more similar than I would have ever imagined. He confided in me that he is, like me, gay. That was actually a pivotal moment in our friendship. In many ways, it was a new beginning of our friendship, or at least a new chapter. While CJ and I never shared any romantic feelings for one another, we were there for one another through the coming out process.
Such memories. CJ was there for my first gay bar experience. I was there the first time CJ got drunk. CJ even lived with my grandparents for a period of time. CJ moved to the west coast. I have had the privilege to visit him there on several occasions. There was a time when we would speak on the phone several times a week, but busy schedules and different time zones we fell apart from communicating as much. The last time I saw CJ was in California in 2004, when Parker and I were there for our honeymoon. That was, until today, when I met him in Atlanta for lunch. It was absolutely like we had just seen each other yesterday. That’s true friendship. That’s brotherhood.
Here’s my confession: CJ and I picked up today right where we left off. It didn’t feel like there had been any time, distance or experiences between us. I think that is the mark of a true and abiding friendship. We both felt we could just be honest with one another about things going on in our lives. We enjoyed an amazing lunch, incredible company and I think a renewed sense of friendship. CJ, thank you for an incredible day! This was another day when memories were made with my ‘brother’. I’m so hopeful that we will soon be able to spend more time together. I confess that even though I do not enjoy driving, even the drive to and from Atlanta was something I enjoyed. The whole day can be summed up in one word. Cathartic.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE
The lyrics to the Rascal Flatts’ song “Winner at a losing Game” have been resonating with me for the last week or so. After a considerable period of time, I’d finally put my heart out there again, given it to someone I thought I could trust. Perhaps it all happened too quickly, prematurely. Before I knew what was happening, my relationship with Wynn had cooled to nothing, almost as quickly as it began.
The lyric says “Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same? Tryin' to make somebody care for you, the way I do is like tryin' to catch the rain. And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losin' game.”
When I met Wynn, it happened at a time when I really wasn’t looking. I suppose the cliché is true, that’s when love always finds you—when you aren’t looking for it. I imagine that is when it will happen again. When I stop looking. It just gets a little lonely in this big old world when there’s no one to share the intimate moments of my life with.
Here’s my confession: Love will come again, and no doubt, it will come to me out of the clear blue. It’s an uphill battle, it seems, but, in the end, it’s all worth it. I believe in love. I believe that when the time is right, the stars align, or whatever forces of nature have to come together to make love happen, it will happen. I want to know that I’m the luckiest man alive and I want that man to feel like he’s the luckiest man alive, too. So, God, if you’re listening, and I know you are, Thank you for the man you are preparing for me. Prepare me for him, and arrange for us a meeting when the time is right. I know you cause all good things to happen, so I’m trusting you on this one, God. Give me wisdom to know your plan. And so, faith, hope and love remain…but the greatest of these is LOVE.
The lyric says “Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same? Tryin' to make somebody care for you, the way I do is like tryin' to catch the rain. And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losin' game.”
When I met Wynn, it happened at a time when I really wasn’t looking. I suppose the cliché is true, that’s when love always finds you—when you aren’t looking for it. I imagine that is when it will happen again. When I stop looking. It just gets a little lonely in this big old world when there’s no one to share the intimate moments of my life with.
Here’s my confession: Love will come again, and no doubt, it will come to me out of the clear blue. It’s an uphill battle, it seems, but, in the end, it’s all worth it. I believe in love. I believe that when the time is right, the stars align, or whatever forces of nature have to come together to make love happen, it will happen. I want to know that I’m the luckiest man alive and I want that man to feel like he’s the luckiest man alive, too. So, God, if you’re listening, and I know you are, Thank you for the man you are preparing for me. Prepare me for him, and arrange for us a meeting when the time is right. I know you cause all good things to happen, so I’m trusting you on this one, God. Give me wisdom to know your plan. And so, faith, hope and love remain…but the greatest of these is LOVE.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
BEGINNING AGAIN
The last two months have been so incredibly interesting to me. I’ve been through lots of ups and downs. I have cried a few tears, but mostly, I’ve held myself together, I’ve been strong and, for a reason still unknown to me, I have had very little fear. Were I to hazard a guess, I would have to say it’s the amazing support that has come my way from my true friends. I have faith that I can’t quite put into words. I have faith that this whole situation is just going to turn around and that something even better is going to come out of it.
Two months of my life. So very much change. I went from a stable job to no job. I went from the beginning of a seemingly happy relationship to single again in the blink of an eye. I’ve questioned a few things, but, remarkably, I have a calm in my soul and a peace in my spirit that I am having difficulty putting into words. A lot of my stress is gone. I no longer have to go to a place where I no longer belonged. Somehow, some way, I have a feeling that a better job is going to come along. Somehow, I have a feeling that Mr. Right and I just haven’t found one another yet.
The last two months, I have truly found the people I can rely on. I hope that I’ve never been burdensome to them in talking about various issues, and if I have, please accept my most humble apologies, but know that deep in my heart, I have so much love and gratitude for you that I’ll never be able to express. Sometimes, I think it takes a major change to wake us up and to get us to see the light.
Here’s my confession: I used to wonder what I would do if I just had gobs and gobs of “free time”. I often imagined that I would be sitting at the piano for hours a day learning new music, honing my skills. I thought maybe I would be crocheting blankets, learning new skills, organizing something around the house. Well, I must confess, I really haven’t been very successful in any of these areas. I have spent quite a bit of time at the piano. I’m determined to learn a few new pieces while I have the time to do so. I have attempted to learn a few new skills—mainly computer programs. But mostly, the last two months have been about connecting with myself, learning things about myself I couldn’t learn with a busy non-stop schedule. I feel a sense of freedom. I feel a sense of relief. And, while perhaps I’ve let my guard down a little and haven’t been as proactive in some areas of my life as I should be, I know that tomorrow morning, if I am allowed to wake up, I have an opportunity to begin again. I think perhaps that is what the last two months have been all about. Perhaps that’s what the next chapter of my life is all about. Beginning again, reinventing who I am. In many ways, this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and for that, I am grateful. Tomorrow is a new day. It is pregnant with possibilities. I’m going to seize as many of them as possible.
Two months of my life. So very much change. I went from a stable job to no job. I went from the beginning of a seemingly happy relationship to single again in the blink of an eye. I’ve questioned a few things, but, remarkably, I have a calm in my soul and a peace in my spirit that I am having difficulty putting into words. A lot of my stress is gone. I no longer have to go to a place where I no longer belonged. Somehow, some way, I have a feeling that a better job is going to come along. Somehow, I have a feeling that Mr. Right and I just haven’t found one another yet.
The last two months, I have truly found the people I can rely on. I hope that I’ve never been burdensome to them in talking about various issues, and if I have, please accept my most humble apologies, but know that deep in my heart, I have so much love and gratitude for you that I’ll never be able to express. Sometimes, I think it takes a major change to wake us up and to get us to see the light.
Here’s my confession: I used to wonder what I would do if I just had gobs and gobs of “free time”. I often imagined that I would be sitting at the piano for hours a day learning new music, honing my skills. I thought maybe I would be crocheting blankets, learning new skills, organizing something around the house. Well, I must confess, I really haven’t been very successful in any of these areas. I have spent quite a bit of time at the piano. I’m determined to learn a few new pieces while I have the time to do so. I have attempted to learn a few new skills—mainly computer programs. But mostly, the last two months have been about connecting with myself, learning things about myself I couldn’t learn with a busy non-stop schedule. I feel a sense of freedom. I feel a sense of relief. And, while perhaps I’ve let my guard down a little and haven’t been as proactive in some areas of my life as I should be, I know that tomorrow morning, if I am allowed to wake up, I have an opportunity to begin again. I think perhaps that is what the last two months have been all about. Perhaps that’s what the next chapter of my life is all about. Beginning again, reinventing who I am. In many ways, this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and for that, I am grateful. Tomorrow is a new day. It is pregnant with possibilities. I’m going to seize as many of them as possible.
Friday, April 23, 2010
GRATITUDE MUSINGS 04.23.10
Another week has come and gone. Yes, another week where I thought I’d have written another blog other than my weekly gratitude blog, but at least I’m writing this one on time. Perhaps next week will find me writing more. "Small steps" I keep telling myself.
I am grateful tonight as I contemplate the last week. So much inner healing and peace has come to me this week. Clarity has taken place of the confusion and Faith has replaced frustrations. I’m grateful that I haven’t let the setbacks I’ve faced over the last couple of months to dictate my path. I’m grateful for opportunities that have come about in my life as a result of the things that are no more. I’m grateful for my heart, though cracked, it’s not broken. I could have missed the pain, but yes, as the song goes, I’d have had to miss the dance. And, wasn’t the “dance” what it was all about? Wasn’t the “dance” more about the experience than the end result?
This week I am grateful for Parker. Parker and I met seven years ago this week. Funny, it seems like only yesterday. So many ups and downs in the roller coaster of our lives, yet, I don’t think there will ever come a time when I truly resent Parker, a time when I truly hate Parker. Parker and I were together for a time in both of our lives when we needed one another. When the ride had ended and the dust had settled, I believe we both have a strong sense of appreciation for one another. I’m grateful for Parker’s presence in my life, the many contributions he made, lessons I learned and, most of all, that he and Richard seem to be very happy together. Although things didn’t work out in the long run for us, Parker will always have a piece of my heart, and I’m grateful for that.
I’m grateful as I remember my grandmother this week. She passed from death into life ten years ago this week. It seems like only yesterday, and there’s hardly a day that goes by in which I don’t think of her. Little things each day, little things along the way, that remind me of her. I often wonder how differently things would be today were she still here among us. I wonder how our relationship would have improved, if she would have fully accepted me for who and what I am. I’ve no doubt she would be proud of me. She made no apologies for the fact that I was her favorite. I take comfort in knowing that she is resting in peace. She introduced me to so many of the things in my life. She introduced me to God. She introduced me to music. Ironically, it was the Saturday following her death that I was confirmed and accepted into full communion with the Catholic church.
I’m grateful again for the incredible gift of music in my life. During this period of transition in my life, I’ve spent a lot of time sitting at the piano learning new music, brushing up on old pieces and am so grateful that I, indeed, have something of which to be proud. I know that I am far from perfect as a musician. Yet, I remain humbled and exhilarated when I am able to share the gift with others and to truly live my dream.
I’m grateful for a new chapter that opened in my life this week. I’m grateful for the metaphor in my life. “I am a Phoenix”. I began my studies towards a Master of Science in Accountancy at the University of Phoenix this week. I am filled with anticipation, pride and hope as I step into my own uncharted destiny. I’m grateful for the support of those around me.
Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for memories and milestones, for that is what this week has been all about—remembering many important moments in my life; remembering setbacks and stepping stones; remembering tomorrow and yet looking ahead to tomorrow. I’m grateful for a heart on the mend, a heart that will, in time, love again. I’m grateful for a career that ended, but even more grateful for the possibility of a more rewarding future. I’m grateful for the opportunities given me. It is my hope that I use each opportunity wisely, that I am a good steward of my resources. I’m grateful for the people who walk this life with me. You may not even be aware of it, but you’ve kept me sane these last couple of months, when I thought I was losing everything. I’m grateful for today, but look at tomorrow, and smile.
I am grateful tonight as I contemplate the last week. So much inner healing and peace has come to me this week. Clarity has taken place of the confusion and Faith has replaced frustrations. I’m grateful that I haven’t let the setbacks I’ve faced over the last couple of months to dictate my path. I’m grateful for opportunities that have come about in my life as a result of the things that are no more. I’m grateful for my heart, though cracked, it’s not broken. I could have missed the pain, but yes, as the song goes, I’d have had to miss the dance. And, wasn’t the “dance” what it was all about? Wasn’t the “dance” more about the experience than the end result?
This week I am grateful for Parker. Parker and I met seven years ago this week. Funny, it seems like only yesterday. So many ups and downs in the roller coaster of our lives, yet, I don’t think there will ever come a time when I truly resent Parker, a time when I truly hate Parker. Parker and I were together for a time in both of our lives when we needed one another. When the ride had ended and the dust had settled, I believe we both have a strong sense of appreciation for one another. I’m grateful for Parker’s presence in my life, the many contributions he made, lessons I learned and, most of all, that he and Richard seem to be very happy together. Although things didn’t work out in the long run for us, Parker will always have a piece of my heart, and I’m grateful for that.
I’m grateful as I remember my grandmother this week. She passed from death into life ten years ago this week. It seems like only yesterday, and there’s hardly a day that goes by in which I don’t think of her. Little things each day, little things along the way, that remind me of her. I often wonder how differently things would be today were she still here among us. I wonder how our relationship would have improved, if she would have fully accepted me for who and what I am. I’ve no doubt she would be proud of me. She made no apologies for the fact that I was her favorite. I take comfort in knowing that she is resting in peace. She introduced me to so many of the things in my life. She introduced me to God. She introduced me to music. Ironically, it was the Saturday following her death that I was confirmed and accepted into full communion with the Catholic church.
I’m grateful again for the incredible gift of music in my life. During this period of transition in my life, I’ve spent a lot of time sitting at the piano learning new music, brushing up on old pieces and am so grateful that I, indeed, have something of which to be proud. I know that I am far from perfect as a musician. Yet, I remain humbled and exhilarated when I am able to share the gift with others and to truly live my dream.
I’m grateful for a new chapter that opened in my life this week. I’m grateful for the metaphor in my life. “I am a Phoenix”. I began my studies towards a Master of Science in Accountancy at the University of Phoenix this week. I am filled with anticipation, pride and hope as I step into my own uncharted destiny. I’m grateful for the support of those around me.
Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for memories and milestones, for that is what this week has been all about—remembering many important moments in my life; remembering setbacks and stepping stones; remembering tomorrow and yet looking ahead to tomorrow. I’m grateful for a heart on the mend, a heart that will, in time, love again. I’m grateful for a career that ended, but even more grateful for the possibility of a more rewarding future. I’m grateful for the opportunities given me. It is my hope that I use each opportunity wisely, that I am a good steward of my resources. I’m grateful for the people who walk this life with me. You may not even be aware of it, but you’ve kept me sane these last couple of months, when I thought I was losing everything. I’m grateful for today, but look at tomorrow, and smile.
Friday, April 16, 2010
GRATITUDE PONDERINGS 04.16.10
This has been another week wrought with change. This week I began a temp job with a local non-profit calling to solicit volunteers to participate in a fundraising event. While I freely admit it’s not something that I want to do on a long term basis, I do have to admit that I’m glad that I have somewhere to go each day for a few hours and am making money at the same time.
As I look back over the last week, I am so grateful for the small things in life—which, really, aren’t things. I’m grateful for the people in my life. Christopher is one of those friends with whom I had an almost instant connection and we feel comfortable sharing pretty much everything with one another. I’m grateful for his patience, his advice and most of all his brotherhood. Christopher is a very reserved person, actually, and that I’ve been welcomed into his life is an honor to me. I’m grateful for Trent, who without fail checks on me each day to keep me in line. I’m grateful for Jay. Our friendship has gone through ups and downs, but we know, deep down, that we are only a quick message away if we truly need one another. It’s abiding, wonderful friendships such as these that keep me pressing forward, even when I want to just throw in the towel.
I’m grateful for hope, for even when it seems distant; I know it’s something I still have. I’ve been through a lot the last couple of months. I’ve gone through the loss of a “family” I had for 12 years. A relationship that I thought was worth fighting for, a person about and for whom I had begun to care very deeply, crushed my dreams of a future together by his absence, his lack of commitment and his fear of getting more serious. That hurts, but I’m grateful and am looking at the lessons I have learned.
I’m grateful for clarity. Sometimes, we truly do see through a mirror dimly, but then there is a moment when all the dimness clears away and we see the path that has been set before us. Circumstances come our way and we can’t fathom why things are happening to us like they are. Each thing that happens in our lives, be they good or bad, has a transformative power over us, if we are willing to just take a deep look and make a few alterations, we soon realize these “circumstances” happened for a reason. They happened to make us a better person, to serve as a wake up call to life, and to set us on a path of discovery.
Here’s my confession: I’m a work in progress, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the friends who put up with me, support me and love me in spite of myself. I grew up as a lonely only child. I didn’t know the joy of true friendship until I was an adult. I was always that proverbial “last kid chosen on the playground”. I was the one other kids made fun of because I was different. I didn’t come from a perfect family. To their credit, I think my parents did the best job they knew how to do raising me. I like to think I turned out pretty ok. I could spend a lifetime having regrets for the way my childhood was not as picturesque as I would have hoped, I could allow myself to be eaten up with resentment for the loss of the relationship I have with my parents or I could allow myself to spend the rest of my life mired in anger, disappointment and apathy because of the “things” that haven’t gone exactly as planned in my life or I can allow myself to chose to live my life with an attitude of gratitude. For me, I hope I always choose the latter and more positive of those options—living my life in gratitude and making peace with myself for the things that aren’t perfect. For the truth is that in my life, I have lots and lots of love—more love than I probably even know. And for that, how can I not be grateful?
As I look back over the last week, I am so grateful for the small things in life—which, really, aren’t things. I’m grateful for the people in my life. Christopher is one of those friends with whom I had an almost instant connection and we feel comfortable sharing pretty much everything with one another. I’m grateful for his patience, his advice and most of all his brotherhood. Christopher is a very reserved person, actually, and that I’ve been welcomed into his life is an honor to me. I’m grateful for Trent, who without fail checks on me each day to keep me in line. I’m grateful for Jay. Our friendship has gone through ups and downs, but we know, deep down, that we are only a quick message away if we truly need one another. It’s abiding, wonderful friendships such as these that keep me pressing forward, even when I want to just throw in the towel.
I’m grateful for hope, for even when it seems distant; I know it’s something I still have. I’ve been through a lot the last couple of months. I’ve gone through the loss of a “family” I had for 12 years. A relationship that I thought was worth fighting for, a person about and for whom I had begun to care very deeply, crushed my dreams of a future together by his absence, his lack of commitment and his fear of getting more serious. That hurts, but I’m grateful and am looking at the lessons I have learned.
I’m grateful for clarity. Sometimes, we truly do see through a mirror dimly, but then there is a moment when all the dimness clears away and we see the path that has been set before us. Circumstances come our way and we can’t fathom why things are happening to us like they are. Each thing that happens in our lives, be they good or bad, has a transformative power over us, if we are willing to just take a deep look and make a few alterations, we soon realize these “circumstances” happened for a reason. They happened to make us a better person, to serve as a wake up call to life, and to set us on a path of discovery.
Here’s my confession: I’m a work in progress, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the friends who put up with me, support me and love me in spite of myself. I grew up as a lonely only child. I didn’t know the joy of true friendship until I was an adult. I was always that proverbial “last kid chosen on the playground”. I was the one other kids made fun of because I was different. I didn’t come from a perfect family. To their credit, I think my parents did the best job they knew how to do raising me. I like to think I turned out pretty ok. I could spend a lifetime having regrets for the way my childhood was not as picturesque as I would have hoped, I could allow myself to be eaten up with resentment for the loss of the relationship I have with my parents or I could allow myself to spend the rest of my life mired in anger, disappointment and apathy because of the “things” that haven’t gone exactly as planned in my life or I can allow myself to chose to live my life with an attitude of gratitude. For me, I hope I always choose the latter and more positive of those options—living my life in gratitude and making peace with myself for the things that aren’t perfect. For the truth is that in my life, I have lots and lots of love—more love than I probably even know. And for that, how can I not be grateful?
Friday, April 9, 2010
GRATITUDE PONDERINGS 04.08.10
Wow! As I look back over my blog, I realize it has been over a month since my last posting. So, I pause again for reflection on the many things in my life for which I am grateful.
I must admit that over the last few weeks, I may not have been the best friend to those who are so very important to me. At times, I’ve been cold and distant, to some I’ve probably been smothering and overbearing. Through it all, though, I hope each and every one of you know how absolutely essential you are in my life. I hope you know that even when I don’t express it in the way I should, I am grateful for your presence in my life.
Losing my job has been a mixed bag of blessings and pain. On the blessing side, I would say that being away from the stress of a job that was beginning to embitter me is a very positive thing. These last several weeks have provided me the opportunity for introspection, tears and reflection. The pain is that I don’t know exactly where I will land, if the choices I’m making today are the solid choices I should be making for my future. The pain comes in knowing every single day that the unemployment rate is so high and there are just not a lot of jobs to be had out there, no matter how hard I try. The pain is in wondering if, after all these years of stable work history—what it is that I can really do. The pain is in the self-doubt and fears that inevitably enter my world. Yet, I am grateful for each day that I wake up. That means I have yet another opportunity for a do-over. I’m grateful for time, for guidance, kind words and even advice I may not always want to take.
One of the things I am always most grateful for is the incredible gift of music. Last week was Holy Week, so I spent a fair share of my time sitting at an instrument either accompanying a choir rehearsal or a congregation. As the liturgy began on the evening of Holy Thursday, I recall the immense feeling that overcame me as I played the organ on the beautiful hymn “Lift High The Cross”. I will be the first to admit that I am not a “real” organist, but our church organ makes me sound like one. I was stricken with awe as I cranked up the volume and poured my soul into the hymn. I recalled how, as a very young child, I would go to church with my grandmother and all I ever wanted to do when I grew up was to be a church organist. I couldn’t even play an instrument at that point, but that’s what I wanted to do. I have arrived. I have realized one of my most impassioned childhood dreams. I’m so grateful for the opportunity. I’m so grateful for the abilities I’ve been given, and that even as the years go by, my skill level continues to improve. I stand amazed, humbled and eternally grateful for not only the blessing I’ve been given, but to the many who have inspired me as musicians, teachers who instructed me and parishioners and others who share with me words of encouragement.
Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for whatever it is that keeps me going, pressing onward. I’m grateful that I haven’t given up, and since I’m making a confession here, there have been several times over the last month-plus where I’ve thought I was at the end of my rope. The ending of a career, struggles with an important relationship, looking at never-changing scenery of my walls, has, at times, been extremely difficult. I’ve endured. I think this week, for the most part, is a week in which people have noticed my laughter, my smiles. I’m grateful, as silly as it is, for the gospel drag show I went to Sunday night at the local homosexual bar. The show provided me a chance to let go, relax and, oddly enough, worship God—something believe it or not—those of us who work in the church don’t often get the opportunity to do.
I’m grateful for direction. The path ahead is still a little hazy, but I’m going to get there, with a little help from my friends and from the guidance and assurance of a supreme God. Tomorrow is not promised to us. I’m learning to enjoy the present, and lean not always to my own understanding while I’m in this interim period of my life.
I must admit that over the last few weeks, I may not have been the best friend to those who are so very important to me. At times, I’ve been cold and distant, to some I’ve probably been smothering and overbearing. Through it all, though, I hope each and every one of you know how absolutely essential you are in my life. I hope you know that even when I don’t express it in the way I should, I am grateful for your presence in my life.
Losing my job has been a mixed bag of blessings and pain. On the blessing side, I would say that being away from the stress of a job that was beginning to embitter me is a very positive thing. These last several weeks have provided me the opportunity for introspection, tears and reflection. The pain is that I don’t know exactly where I will land, if the choices I’m making today are the solid choices I should be making for my future. The pain comes in knowing every single day that the unemployment rate is so high and there are just not a lot of jobs to be had out there, no matter how hard I try. The pain is in wondering if, after all these years of stable work history—what it is that I can really do. The pain is in the self-doubt and fears that inevitably enter my world. Yet, I am grateful for each day that I wake up. That means I have yet another opportunity for a do-over. I’m grateful for time, for guidance, kind words and even advice I may not always want to take.
One of the things I am always most grateful for is the incredible gift of music. Last week was Holy Week, so I spent a fair share of my time sitting at an instrument either accompanying a choir rehearsal or a congregation. As the liturgy began on the evening of Holy Thursday, I recall the immense feeling that overcame me as I played the organ on the beautiful hymn “Lift High The Cross”. I will be the first to admit that I am not a “real” organist, but our church organ makes me sound like one. I was stricken with awe as I cranked up the volume and poured my soul into the hymn. I recalled how, as a very young child, I would go to church with my grandmother and all I ever wanted to do when I grew up was to be a church organist. I couldn’t even play an instrument at that point, but that’s what I wanted to do. I have arrived. I have realized one of my most impassioned childhood dreams. I’m so grateful for the opportunity. I’m so grateful for the abilities I’ve been given, and that even as the years go by, my skill level continues to improve. I stand amazed, humbled and eternally grateful for not only the blessing I’ve been given, but to the many who have inspired me as musicians, teachers who instructed me and parishioners and others who share with me words of encouragement.
Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for whatever it is that keeps me going, pressing onward. I’m grateful that I haven’t given up, and since I’m making a confession here, there have been several times over the last month-plus where I’ve thought I was at the end of my rope. The ending of a career, struggles with an important relationship, looking at never-changing scenery of my walls, has, at times, been extremely difficult. I’ve endured. I think this week, for the most part, is a week in which people have noticed my laughter, my smiles. I’m grateful, as silly as it is, for the gospel drag show I went to Sunday night at the local homosexual bar. The show provided me a chance to let go, relax and, oddly enough, worship God—something believe it or not—those of us who work in the church don’t often get the opportunity to do.
I’m grateful for direction. The path ahead is still a little hazy, but I’m going to get there, with a little help from my friends and from the guidance and assurance of a supreme God. Tomorrow is not promised to us. I’m learning to enjoy the present, and lean not always to my own understanding while I’m in this interim period of my life.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
GRATITUDE REFLECTIONS 03.07.10
It has been a few weeks since my last entry. In those few weeks, so many things have happened. To say that my last few weeks have been challenging would be an understatement, but to say that they’ve also been incredibly blessed would also be an understatement. I have so many wonderful people in my life.
In these last few weeks, I’ve found out the true measure of friendship. I’ve found out the beauty of friendship. I’ve learned that I’m not always the best friend that I should be. I’ve learned that I make a lot of mistakes along the way. I’m grateful for those who have taught me lessons about friendship, about myself, and about, in a much larger sense, life itself.
I’m grateful for the beauty of a new relationship. I’m grateful for the hope of a future still unwritten. I’m grateful to know that my heart can feel things that I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel again. I’m grateful…
I’m grateful that, even though there has been much pain in the closing of one chapter of my life, in the ending of a career, there has been such tremendous support from my wide family of friends who have told me this is just a speed bump on the road of life. A window has closed, but a door will open.
Here’s my confession: There’s a lyric to a song that has touched me deeply since the first time I heard it: “through all the worst and all the best, I have been blessed.” There could not possibly be a more true sentiment that I can share. I’m encouraged by all the good that is happening in my life. I’m encouraged by the hopes and dreams of the future. Beyond the pain and fears of today are new possibilities, new chapters and a blank slate.
In these last few weeks, I’ve found out the true measure of friendship. I’ve found out the beauty of friendship. I’ve learned that I’m not always the best friend that I should be. I’ve learned that I make a lot of mistakes along the way. I’m grateful for those who have taught me lessons about friendship, about myself, and about, in a much larger sense, life itself.
I’m grateful for the beauty of a new relationship. I’m grateful for the hope of a future still unwritten. I’m grateful to know that my heart can feel things that I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel again. I’m grateful…
I’m grateful that, even though there has been much pain in the closing of one chapter of my life, in the ending of a career, there has been such tremendous support from my wide family of friends who have told me this is just a speed bump on the road of life. A window has closed, but a door will open.
Here’s my confession: There’s a lyric to a song that has touched me deeply since the first time I heard it: “through all the worst and all the best, I have been blessed.” There could not possibly be a more true sentiment that I can share. I’m encouraged by all the good that is happening in my life. I’m encouraged by the hopes and dreams of the future. Beyond the pain and fears of today are new possibilities, new chapters and a blank slate.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
