ME: VERSION 37.416
If I’m being completely honest, there are moments, more often than not, that I am wandering aimlessly through life. I often wonder what the hell I’m doing here. What is my purpose? Where do I belong? To whom do I belong? Yes, it seems that there are often far more questions than answers. Each passing year brings its own experiences—some happy, some not so happy—but I believe each experience offers two choices—to wallow around and do nothing or to serve as a call to action.
At the end of this month, it will have been three years since Parker and I ended our relationship. The time has flown by and our lives, for the most part, have moved on, though we are still on good speaking terms (I don’t know why—we just are—despite the myriad of things I could be angry about, I can’t bring myself to hate this man with whom I shared 5 years of my life.) Hating him would perhaps only hurt me more than it would him. There are things that I wish could have happened differently, but still I have to wonder if things haven’t happened exactly the way they were supposed to. Parker moved right from our relationship into another relationship—where he seems to have been very happy for the last three years or so. I’ve dated a little, but as far as being extremely serious, not so much. Yet, I hope, I dream, I long for the day when Mr. Right and I meet. I long for that true, abiding feeling of love. I pray for that feeling. I pray for that experience. And, while it may happen today or tomorrow—I know it may not happen for a while. And, I’m going to be ok with that because I know that good things are in store.
Professionally things have taken a change for me. I’m not where I was a year ago. My career goals are far different than they were a year ago. I’ve learned many new skills over the last year. I’ve met many amazing people over the last year, each of them seemingly beacons to guide me down that road that I must travel. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. When I was a child, I wanted to be a church musician (before I even began playing an instrument) and I wanted to be a schoolteacher. One of those dreams has come true. The second, I’m not sure about. I just want to know that whatever it is that I do, that it matters.
Relationships: My familial relationships are all but non-existent. There has been some movement there in the last few weeks in reaching out via email between my father and me. I don’t know that there will ever be closeness. It seems difficult to believe that after 37 years of being just the lonely, only child that things will make a dramatic shift. However, my one true wish, my one true goal is a clear conscience. My parents are still very young (both still under 60), but I know there will be the day that I’ll be called to the local mortuary to prepare their bodies for their final resting places at The Groves cemetery. I want to be damn sure that my conscience is clear. Often easier said than done, but at least progress has started.
Here’s my confession: Each day I live is a chance and an opportunity to grow and make amends. It’s one day closer to realizing my destiny, my joy my happiness. NO body can create happiness for me—it’s something I have to create. Despite setbacks in my 37.146 years, I have some the of most amazing people right here in my life.
I’m going to make the most of each day…learn…grow…and live with purpose.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Going Forward
GOING FORWARD
It’s been a while since I’ve been completely devoted to my blog. Going forward, I have every intention of changing that. We have arrived at a new year, a time for new beginnings, new resolve and, more or less a clean slate. It would be easy to simply sit back and dwell in the past—with all its disappointments and frustrations. Let’s face it—if you are reading this, you know what an incredibly arduous year 2010 was for me on just about every level imaginable.
While I haven’t completed my list of resolutions for the New Year at this point—and yes, I’m keenly aware we are almost a week into the new year—there are several general areas on which I plan to focus this year. I plan to focus with a deeper zeal my time at the piano. I plan to learn six to twelve classical pieces for piano this year. That gives me one or two per month on which to focus. I plan to focus on health. I’ll be hitting the gym again in the next week or so. While my time at the gym is not something incredibly strenuous, I know it is something I must do. I’m going to more on the people in my life. Hopefully, Mr. Right will come along this year. Deep in my heart I feel there is a strong possibility. I’m committed to my life of introspection. From introspection my life grows, I grow. I’m also committing to being more on top of my finances. And, last, but not least, I’m renewing my commitment to blogging on a more regular basis.
Here’s my confession: 2010 dealt a lot of really tragic blows and difficult moments. A relationship ended, a job ended. Through it all, I have found so much peace, comfort and love. I’m ready to move forward and make 2011 a year that counts—one of those banner years in my lie. Going forward, expect a lot more peace, lot more of all things bright and beautiful!
It’s been a while since I’ve been completely devoted to my blog. Going forward, I have every intention of changing that. We have arrived at a new year, a time for new beginnings, new resolve and, more or less a clean slate. It would be easy to simply sit back and dwell in the past—with all its disappointments and frustrations. Let’s face it—if you are reading this, you know what an incredibly arduous year 2010 was for me on just about every level imaginable.
While I haven’t completed my list of resolutions for the New Year at this point—and yes, I’m keenly aware we are almost a week into the new year—there are several general areas on which I plan to focus this year. I plan to focus with a deeper zeal my time at the piano. I plan to learn six to twelve classical pieces for piano this year. That gives me one or two per month on which to focus. I plan to focus on health. I’ll be hitting the gym again in the next week or so. While my time at the gym is not something incredibly strenuous, I know it is something I must do. I’m going to more on the people in my life. Hopefully, Mr. Right will come along this year. Deep in my heart I feel there is a strong possibility. I’m committed to my life of introspection. From introspection my life grows, I grow. I’m also committing to being more on top of my finances. And, last, but not least, I’m renewing my commitment to blogging on a more regular basis.
Here’s my confession: 2010 dealt a lot of really tragic blows and difficult moments. A relationship ended, a job ended. Through it all, I have found so much peace, comfort and love. I’m ready to move forward and make 2011 a year that counts—one of those banner years in my lie. Going forward, expect a lot more peace, lot more of all things bright and beautiful!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
BLUE CHRISTMAS?
Tonight, I’ve had one of those “unsettled” feelings—where I’m kinda mad at the world, but don’t really know why. It’s like I told a friend earlier—I want to bitch about something, but I honestly have nothing to bitch about, because in the grand scheme of things, I’m blessed beyond measure. I have friends who love me, I have a place to go to work every day, if I’ve missed a meal lately, it was of my own choice, and not because I couldn’t afford a meal. So, while the calendar year 2011 has been less than desirable, I have far more for which to be grateful than to lie here in a funk contemplating all the things that are wrong rather than focusing on all the things that are right.
I have to admit that I’m not feeling the spirit of the season just yet. I’m not even sure if I’ll drag the tree out of the closet this year. Maybe I should…maybe it would do my spirit good to decorate? The holidays just mean nothing to me anymore. Memories of the Christmases of my childhood—Christmases that will n’er again be—I can’t seem to get excited about it anymore. Thoughts turn to the person I miss more than anyone in the world—my beloved grandmother. SHE was Christmas to me.
I have to take my focus off my current lot in life—I have to stop worrying about the things I’ve lost and focus on what I have. I have to stop focus on loves that failed and focus on the love that will be. I have to let go of negative emotions, toxic energy and focus on positivity and peace, within myself, and those to whom I need to offer forgiveness and, yes, perhaps even need to ask forgiveness myself.
Here’s my confession: I’m tired. I’m tired of putting off life. I’m tired of waiting on life to just happen. I need to be an active participant in this life—the only life I have. I need to learn to live life—and to live it to the fullest—one single day at a time. That’s so much easier said than done, but I know that in doing so I’ll find more peace than I’ll ever know what to do with. May my tomorrows be beautiful, and may yours be just as beautiful!!!
I have to admit that I’m not feeling the spirit of the season just yet. I’m not even sure if I’ll drag the tree out of the closet this year. Maybe I should…maybe it would do my spirit good to decorate? The holidays just mean nothing to me anymore. Memories of the Christmases of my childhood—Christmases that will n’er again be—I can’t seem to get excited about it anymore. Thoughts turn to the person I miss more than anyone in the world—my beloved grandmother. SHE was Christmas to me.
I have to take my focus off my current lot in life—I have to stop worrying about the things I’ve lost and focus on what I have. I have to stop focus on loves that failed and focus on the love that will be. I have to let go of negative emotions, toxic energy and focus on positivity and peace, within myself, and those to whom I need to offer forgiveness and, yes, perhaps even need to ask forgiveness myself.
Here’s my confession: I’m tired. I’m tired of putting off life. I’m tired of waiting on life to just happen. I need to be an active participant in this life—the only life I have. I need to learn to live life—and to live it to the fullest—one single day at a time. That’s so much easier said than done, but I know that in doing so I’ll find more peace than I’ll ever know what to do with. May my tomorrows be beautiful, and may yours be just as beautiful!!!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
BRING IT
It is difficult to believe that it has been nearly two months since my last posting. So many thoughts pass through my mind on a daily basis that I’ve not slowed down long enough to chronicle here.
The last year of my life has been a steady experiment in change. I’ve lost a job, I’ve lost friends, a boyfriend or two, a home and I have struggled to understand who I am.
Though the powers of karma may have tried to keep me down, I fought back with a vengeance, and I won. Losing the job has turned out to be a stepping stone to exploring new opportunities. Losing friends allowed me to evaluate who and what are important in my life, losing relationships hurt like hell, but allowed me the opportunity to evaluate ways to improve future relationships.
We are at that point of the year where everyone it is time to beginning thinking of the things we will be looking to change as we move into 2011. “New Year’s Resolutions” we call them. I’ll be taking inventory of my life in the coming days.
Here’s my confession: That which doesn’t kill us does make us stronger. I know the feeling of true brotherly love. I have people in my life whom I honestly do not know how I would have made it without. You certainly know my burdens are lighter because of the love these dear friends have provided. Stay tuned as I make break down these resolutions. Bring it, 2011.
The last year of my life has been a steady experiment in change. I’ve lost a job, I’ve lost friends, a boyfriend or two, a home and I have struggled to understand who I am.
Though the powers of karma may have tried to keep me down, I fought back with a vengeance, and I won. Losing the job has turned out to be a stepping stone to exploring new opportunities. Losing friends allowed me to evaluate who and what are important in my life, losing relationships hurt like hell, but allowed me the opportunity to evaluate ways to improve future relationships.
We are at that point of the year where everyone it is time to beginning thinking of the things we will be looking to change as we move into 2011. “New Year’s Resolutions” we call them. I’ll be taking inventory of my life in the coming days.
Here’s my confession: That which doesn’t kill us does make us stronger. I know the feeling of true brotherly love. I have people in my life whom I honestly do not know how I would have made it without. You certainly know my burdens are lighter because of the love these dear friends have provided. Stay tuned as I make break down these resolutions. Bring it, 2011.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
PRIDE
PRIDE
Pride is something that can both bring people together and be divisive. This thought came to me last night as I was contemplating things in my life. I’ve thought about how both are true in my life. Pride…there’s the pride that draws groups together, such as American Pride or even gay pride. Then there is the pride that divides friendships and friendships.
As I think about it, I have a lot of pride in my life. I am proud of who I am, I’m proud of being a gay man. I’m proud of being a part of the family that my chorus provides. I’m proud of the people of the accomplishments I’ve achieved. I take pride in the fact that I have come so far in my life, despite obstacles I’ve faced.
Yet, on the other hand, there’s the pride that has destroyed so much. It’s about this pride that I must write tonight. It’s my own pride, my own unwillingness to break down barriers, to admit fault, that has built brick walls in relationships—specifically my relationship with my parents. It’s something of which I’ve written a great deal, and it’s something about which I think on a daily basis. Yet, it is my own pride, my own fears that keep me from being the bigger man, to stop pointing the fingers of blame, to break the silence. The last time I saw my parents was March, 2006. That’s a very long time.
I suppose my pride comes from resentments that I’ve allowed myself to nurse along the way. I know that those two individuals who brought me into this world did the best job they knew to do when they were raising me. I know that the hurt that my mother provided me through actions of which she may not have even been aware were, perhaps, unintentional. Yet, in my pride, I find it hard to find forgiveness. I find it hard to let go. It’s unimaginable to me that I would ever have a close and abiding relationship with my parents. Even when I was living at home, we didn’t have a lot of interaction. I was very much a loner, and they very much nurtured that.
Here’s my confession: The truth of the matter is that my pride has hurt two individuals who gave me the greatest gift I’ve ever received. Life. I am praying that somehow, some way, that I will find the courage that I need to write my parents, with love and from the bottom of my heart. I’m praying that I can let go of petty, foolish pride and find even an ounce of love and forgiveness within myself. The other truth of the matter is that while my parents are still young—not even in their 60s yet—they aren’t going to be around forever. There will come a day when I am called to their side as they are making their exit from this world, or after they’ve already made their exit—and what will be left? Certainly, only the knowledge that I didn’t do anything to make amends in the living years. While I feel like a stranger to them, and have for the majority of my life, I imagine the emotion that will hit me as I look down at their remains in their caskets and think “Damn you, foolish PRIDE.” So, will I let Pride bring some sort of resolution to my family or will I allow that foolish pride to drive a wedge farther and deeper than it has already gone? I pray with God’s help I can decide the right thing to do.
Pride is something that can both bring people together and be divisive. This thought came to me last night as I was contemplating things in my life. I’ve thought about how both are true in my life. Pride…there’s the pride that draws groups together, such as American Pride or even gay pride. Then there is the pride that divides friendships and friendships.
As I think about it, I have a lot of pride in my life. I am proud of who I am, I’m proud of being a gay man. I’m proud of being a part of the family that my chorus provides. I’m proud of the people of the accomplishments I’ve achieved. I take pride in the fact that I have come so far in my life, despite obstacles I’ve faced.
Yet, on the other hand, there’s the pride that has destroyed so much. It’s about this pride that I must write tonight. It’s my own pride, my own unwillingness to break down barriers, to admit fault, that has built brick walls in relationships—specifically my relationship with my parents. It’s something of which I’ve written a great deal, and it’s something about which I think on a daily basis. Yet, it is my own pride, my own fears that keep me from being the bigger man, to stop pointing the fingers of blame, to break the silence. The last time I saw my parents was March, 2006. That’s a very long time.
I suppose my pride comes from resentments that I’ve allowed myself to nurse along the way. I know that those two individuals who brought me into this world did the best job they knew to do when they were raising me. I know that the hurt that my mother provided me through actions of which she may not have even been aware were, perhaps, unintentional. Yet, in my pride, I find it hard to find forgiveness. I find it hard to let go. It’s unimaginable to me that I would ever have a close and abiding relationship with my parents. Even when I was living at home, we didn’t have a lot of interaction. I was very much a loner, and they very much nurtured that.
Here’s my confession: The truth of the matter is that my pride has hurt two individuals who gave me the greatest gift I’ve ever received. Life. I am praying that somehow, some way, that I will find the courage that I need to write my parents, with love and from the bottom of my heart. I’m praying that I can let go of petty, foolish pride and find even an ounce of love and forgiveness within myself. The other truth of the matter is that while my parents are still young—not even in their 60s yet—they aren’t going to be around forever. There will come a day when I am called to their side as they are making their exit from this world, or after they’ve already made their exit—and what will be left? Certainly, only the knowledge that I didn’t do anything to make amends in the living years. While I feel like a stranger to them, and have for the majority of my life, I imagine the emotion that will hit me as I look down at their remains in their caskets and think “Damn you, foolish PRIDE.” So, will I let Pride bring some sort of resolution to my family or will I allow that foolish pride to drive a wedge farther and deeper than it has already gone? I pray with God’s help I can decide the right thing to do.
Monday, October 11, 2010
ON BEING OUT
ON BEING OUT
Today is National Coming Out Day, and I pause just a bit to think of my life. I’ve had the incredible fortune to be able to live the majority of my adult life as an openly gay man. Coming out comes in stages. First, you have to come out to yourself, then to your friends, and then your family—at least that’s the way it was for me and for most of the people I’ve known. However, I heard the other day something that really made me think—we actually never stop coming out. There’s always the coming out to new people we meet, co-workers, etc.
I think that now, in all of history, is the greatest time to be alive. It’s great to just be able to be who I am and not really worry about what people think. I think even living in the Deep South where many people don’t realize they know gay people, attitudes are changing, and most people are accepting.
I’ve never felt the need to be in your face about my sexuality. It’s part, not the whole, of who I am. I can’t think of a time in my recent past that I’ve denied my sexuality. I think people just take it as a given. It’s live and let live.
Here’s my confession: I’m proud to be who I am. I firmly believe I am who I am and I am who my God created me to be. And, if I’m being who my God created me to be, who can argue with that? I’ve been blessed in this life with wonderful friends who surround me. I wouldn’t be alive, I’m sure, were it not for many of my friends. Coming out was not an easy process when I decided it was time to make that leap, but I can count on one hand the number of people who have turned me away simply because I am gay. I wish everyone were so fortunate. “This above all, to thine own self be true…”
Today is National Coming Out Day, and I pause just a bit to think of my life. I’ve had the incredible fortune to be able to live the majority of my adult life as an openly gay man. Coming out comes in stages. First, you have to come out to yourself, then to your friends, and then your family—at least that’s the way it was for me and for most of the people I’ve known. However, I heard the other day something that really made me think—we actually never stop coming out. There’s always the coming out to new people we meet, co-workers, etc.
I think that now, in all of history, is the greatest time to be alive. It’s great to just be able to be who I am and not really worry about what people think. I think even living in the Deep South where many people don’t realize they know gay people, attitudes are changing, and most people are accepting.
I’ve never felt the need to be in your face about my sexuality. It’s part, not the whole, of who I am. I can’t think of a time in my recent past that I’ve denied my sexuality. I think people just take it as a given. It’s live and let live.
Here’s my confession: I’m proud to be who I am. I firmly believe I am who I am and I am who my God created me to be. And, if I’m being who my God created me to be, who can argue with that? I’ve been blessed in this life with wonderful friends who surround me. I wouldn’t be alive, I’m sure, were it not for many of my friends. Coming out was not an easy process when I decided it was time to make that leap, but I can count on one hand the number of people who have turned me away simply because I am gay. I wish everyone were so fortunate. “This above all, to thine own self be true…”
Friday, October 8, 2010
GRATITUDE AND TRANSITIONS 10.08.10
GRATITUDE AND TRANSITIONS 10.08.10
As I lie here tonight, I think of the wonder and gratitude I have in my life. If I’m being completely honest, this week, and, well, actually the last few weeks have been wrought with emotions going up and down like a roller coaster. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve paused to do a gratitude blog, and that was quite on purpose. I wanted to give myself a few weeks to really reflect on the gratitude I hold in my heart.
I’ve attempted to write a couple of blogs this week, but when the words failed me, I decided they weren’t ready to be given birth yet. Tonight, I believe I will combine all the emotions, thoughts and words that have been lying dormant. Tonight, I find myself listening to my heart. Tonight, I find myself listening to my spirit, and tonight I write from a place of sincerity and honesty.
I am grateful for the people who mean the most to me, my friends. Were it not for the people who love me so much, and show me their love, not only in words, but through their actions just how loved I am, I don’t know that I would make it. I’ve said so many times I grew up lonely, in a life devoid of close friends. Today, I have a few closely-knit group of friends who are worth more than all the gold in the world, at least in my eyes. Just knowing that someone cares means a lot. Those random text messages, those daily “hey how are you” emails and of course the personal interactions do not go un-noticed.
I’ve been though MANY transitions in the last year of my life. In fact, I’ve been through more transitions than I even care to recount. Yet, through it all, I am grateful for the struggles though which I have successfully come. I’ve changed my residence, I’ve changed jobs, I’ve struggled with friendships. I’ve lost at love. Yet, through each step of the way, I was getting a little stronger. Each set back prepared me for the struggle I would face tomorrow. For that, my heart is grateful.
I’m grateful for my choral ensemble and for the stories that were shared during our introductions on Tuesday evening. Each member brings a richness and a uniqueness to the ensemble. I’m grateful for the beautiful harmonies which were produced on Sunday evening during our Gala concert. There is absolutely no walking away from that concert without a feeling of pride and honor. I’m grateful, too, for the blessings I have experienced this week as a musician. I’m grateful that my hands and my voice can be used bless other people.
Here’s my confession: I’m a work completely in progress. My gratitude extends far beyond the platitudes and triteness of simply saying “thanks”. My gratitude is strong for the simple things in life. It is so easy to take things in this life for granted when they are there on a daily basis. It is my prayer that I seek out the beauty and gratitude in each human experience, and that all the prayers within my heart will show me the way ahead. a
As I lie here tonight, I think of the wonder and gratitude I have in my life. If I’m being completely honest, this week, and, well, actually the last few weeks have been wrought with emotions going up and down like a roller coaster. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve paused to do a gratitude blog, and that was quite on purpose. I wanted to give myself a few weeks to really reflect on the gratitude I hold in my heart.
I’ve attempted to write a couple of blogs this week, but when the words failed me, I decided they weren’t ready to be given birth yet. Tonight, I believe I will combine all the emotions, thoughts and words that have been lying dormant. Tonight, I find myself listening to my heart. Tonight, I find myself listening to my spirit, and tonight I write from a place of sincerity and honesty.
I am grateful for the people who mean the most to me, my friends. Were it not for the people who love me so much, and show me their love, not only in words, but through their actions just how loved I am, I don’t know that I would make it. I’ve said so many times I grew up lonely, in a life devoid of close friends. Today, I have a few closely-knit group of friends who are worth more than all the gold in the world, at least in my eyes. Just knowing that someone cares means a lot. Those random text messages, those daily “hey how are you” emails and of course the personal interactions do not go un-noticed.
I’ve been though MANY transitions in the last year of my life. In fact, I’ve been through more transitions than I even care to recount. Yet, through it all, I am grateful for the struggles though which I have successfully come. I’ve changed my residence, I’ve changed jobs, I’ve struggled with friendships. I’ve lost at love. Yet, through each step of the way, I was getting a little stronger. Each set back prepared me for the struggle I would face tomorrow. For that, my heart is grateful.
I’m grateful for my choral ensemble and for the stories that were shared during our introductions on Tuesday evening. Each member brings a richness and a uniqueness to the ensemble. I’m grateful for the beautiful harmonies which were produced on Sunday evening during our Gala concert. There is absolutely no walking away from that concert without a feeling of pride and honor. I’m grateful, too, for the blessings I have experienced this week as a musician. I’m grateful that my hands and my voice can be used bless other people.
Here’s my confession: I’m a work completely in progress. My gratitude extends far beyond the platitudes and triteness of simply saying “thanks”. My gratitude is strong for the simple things in life. It is so easy to take things in this life for granted when they are there on a daily basis. It is my prayer that I seek out the beauty and gratitude in each human experience, and that all the prayers within my heart will show me the way ahead. a
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