HAPPILY EVERAFTER
For as long as I can recall, I've had a picture of the way my life should play out. Life, of course, often has different ideas. That bright and beautiful picture we have can become more vibrant or perhaps become grayed and cracked with the waring of time. For me, I always pictured meeting "THE ONE", settling down, building a life and, well, you know the classic fairy tell ending...and living happily everafter.
However, as I grow older, I'm finding that so many of the friends I've held so dear for so long, also had the same vision of happily ever after, but, like me, are stopping to question is there such a thing as "THE ONE"? Is monogamy the way? Are relationships overrated? Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence or do they just use better fertilizer?
Is it all just smoke in mirrors? Is happiness just an illusion? Are we truly meant to be with one person for life? Is there possibly more than one "ONE" in our lives? I don't know. I don't know if happily ever after just exists in the movies and books. Some couples seem so very happy together, some seem miserable beyond human comprehension. Surely, there is a balance, a happy medium, of sorts?
Here's my confession: After nearly four years of being single, with the exception of a few relationships measures simply in months, I'm finding it difficult to live in the present moment. I am I trying to be content and allow love to blossom. The truth is, I'm lost and confused, and truly WANT to believe in happily ever after.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
ASKING HIM TO CHANGE HIS WAYS
Hello Self,
It is time we have a little talk. The first eight months of this year have been an adventure, to say the least. There has been love, heartbreak, joy, and sorrow. There have been moments of laughter and a fair amount of tears. It is time to get back on track, or may e get on track for the first time.
It is time to identify areas of life that need improvement. Three areas I am identifying as being in most need of work are: my body, my spirit and my time. Before I am able to move forward, I have to focus on learning to love my body, myself, being in tune with my spirit and the spirit of the higher power. Furthermore, I must be a better steward of my time. This means that I must focus on getting enough rest, being more punctual, and to devote deliberate time to the music, reading and other artistic endeavors.
I must make myself become disciplined in regards to a workout routine, ridding my body of unhealthy foods and habits. Starting off slowly and steadily, but deliberately and with focus. Taking care of the "temple", as it were, is a top priority, and has a spiraling effect on the other areas of my life lacking focus. I have to focus on making sure That my body is well-rested. Taking care of the temple spills over into my relationships with other people, my overall happiness and well-being and with how I see myself.
Spiritually, I will focus on the disciplines of meditation and centering prayer. I must learn to be content and at peace with the blessings I already have, and learn to not focus on what I do not have. When speaking in terms of taking control of my spiritual life-I am not necessarily focusing on a particular creed or doctrine, but rather my spirituality as a whole. I find much comfort in all the ancient teachings of the Buddha, The Christ and other spiritual teachers. Meditation, Yoga, Prayer and writing letters to God will be partners on my spiritual journey.
Time Management is essential to each and every thing I write about here. I need to devote more time to developing my skills as a musician, my writing of this blog and developing interests such as crochet, reading (something I do not enjoy, but feel a need to develop) and making my life as organized as possible without being overwhelmed.
Here's my confession: I am tired of not being happy with the man in the mirror. I'm tired of just floating through life. Now is the time to make those changes. Now is the time to let peace transform my life, to discover what matters. It is time to focus on reconciliation-first with myself, then with other from which there is a sense of estrangement, a lack of closure, any sense of "unfinished business". I'm starting with the man in the mirror, and I'm asking him to change his ways...
It is time we have a little talk. The first eight months of this year have been an adventure, to say the least. There has been love, heartbreak, joy, and sorrow. There have been moments of laughter and a fair amount of tears. It is time to get back on track, or may e get on track for the first time.
It is time to identify areas of life that need improvement. Three areas I am identifying as being in most need of work are: my body, my spirit and my time. Before I am able to move forward, I have to focus on learning to love my body, myself, being in tune with my spirit and the spirit of the higher power. Furthermore, I must be a better steward of my time. This means that I must focus on getting enough rest, being more punctual, and to devote deliberate time to the music, reading and other artistic endeavors.
I must make myself become disciplined in regards to a workout routine, ridding my body of unhealthy foods and habits. Starting off slowly and steadily, but deliberately and with focus. Taking care of the "temple", as it were, is a top priority, and has a spiraling effect on the other areas of my life lacking focus. I have to focus on making sure That my body is well-rested. Taking care of the temple spills over into my relationships with other people, my overall happiness and well-being and with how I see myself.
Spiritually, I will focus on the disciplines of meditation and centering prayer. I must learn to be content and at peace with the blessings I already have, and learn to not focus on what I do not have. When speaking in terms of taking control of my spiritual life-I am not necessarily focusing on a particular creed or doctrine, but rather my spirituality as a whole. I find much comfort in all the ancient teachings of the Buddha, The Christ and other spiritual teachers. Meditation, Yoga, Prayer and writing letters to God will be partners on my spiritual journey.
Time Management is essential to each and every thing I write about here. I need to devote more time to developing my skills as a musician, my writing of this blog and developing interests such as crochet, reading (something I do not enjoy, but feel a need to develop) and making my life as organized as possible without being overwhelmed.
Here's my confession: I am tired of not being happy with the man in the mirror. I'm tired of just floating through life. Now is the time to make those changes. Now is the time to let peace transform my life, to discover what matters. It is time to focus on reconciliation-first with myself, then with other from which there is a sense of estrangement, a lack of closure, any sense of "unfinished business". I'm starting with the man in the mirror, and I'm asking him to change his ways...
Monday, August 29, 2011
HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION?
HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION?
It seems that I am always in a contemplative mood-and perhaps lately more so than usual. I know the metaphor is corny, but I’ve been captivated by the television series “Six Feet Under” in the last few weeks, having purchased the box set of the series for myself as one of the many ways I treated myself for my birthday. As the series begins its second season, the matriarch of the Fisher family finds herself participating in a program in which she creates a new “blueprint” of her life. Her children feel she has lost her mind, as she goes about taking about changing her foundation, the blueprint, the floor plan, etc.. I have to admit the idea is a bit of a challenge to me, to take a look deeper within to understand who and what I am supposed to be.
I have a firm foundation—that being the friends and people in my life-near or far that love me. Some of you reading this blog are miles, states, and ages away, some of you are right here in the same city. Some I have seen recently, for some of you it has been a decade, maybe two or so since I’ve seen you, but for some reason, we are connected through this blog, through facebook or some other social media platform, and for that I am grateful.
My foundation provides support for those day-to-day struggles and celebrates the joys and successes. Yet, I question if the rest of the structure is as sturdy as the foundation. I find many cracks as I go throughout the phases of daily life. There are things over the last four years of growth that I’ve come to love about myself and still other about myself that must be addressed.
Here’s my confession: If you are looking at the house which is “metaphorically” me, just judging from the exterior, you might think, oh, everything is perfectly there and how could I even fathom changing a single thing.
The truth is, inside, I have a lot of changes ahead-I have to figure out a career path, work with reconciling with family and friends. I have to get ready to figure out my career path. I know that I have to fight the good fight, be willing to participate-beyond anything, in repairing the cracks in my own foundation. I’m ready to be the man I am destined to be.
It seems that I am always in a contemplative mood-and perhaps lately more so than usual. I know the metaphor is corny, but I’ve been captivated by the television series “Six Feet Under” in the last few weeks, having purchased the box set of the series for myself as one of the many ways I treated myself for my birthday. As the series begins its second season, the matriarch of the Fisher family finds herself participating in a program in which she creates a new “blueprint” of her life. Her children feel she has lost her mind, as she goes about taking about changing her foundation, the blueprint, the floor plan, etc.. I have to admit the idea is a bit of a challenge to me, to take a look deeper within to understand who and what I am supposed to be.
I have a firm foundation—that being the friends and people in my life-near or far that love me. Some of you reading this blog are miles, states, and ages away, some of you are right here in the same city. Some I have seen recently, for some of you it has been a decade, maybe two or so since I’ve seen you, but for some reason, we are connected through this blog, through facebook or some other social media platform, and for that I am grateful.
My foundation provides support for those day-to-day struggles and celebrates the joys and successes. Yet, I question if the rest of the structure is as sturdy as the foundation. I find many cracks as I go throughout the phases of daily life. There are things over the last four years of growth that I’ve come to love about myself and still other about myself that must be addressed.
Here’s my confession: If you are looking at the house which is “metaphorically” me, just judging from the exterior, you might think, oh, everything is perfectly there and how could I even fathom changing a single thing.
The truth is, inside, I have a lot of changes ahead-I have to figure out a career path, work with reconciling with family and friends. I have to get ready to figure out my career path. I know that I have to fight the good fight, be willing to participate-beyond anything, in repairing the cracks in my own foundation. I’m ready to be the man I am destined to be.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
EVERYTHING CHANGES
It has been a while since I sat down to write a blog-although a million thoughts have been rolling around inside my head begging to be expressed. The entire year of 2011 has seen one very constant thing in my life: CHANGE
This year I met, and fell in love with George. This was the most incredible experience in my life-an experience where I learned so much about myself, my body, live and life. The ending of that relationship was about as painful as anything I've ever experienced. The only thing I can imagine more painful was the death of my grandmother, and yet, in ways, losing George was far more painful. I would not change a single second of the time I spent with George-because I know that is exactly where I was supposed to be--at that point in my life. I experienced a little bit of heaven here on earth. I experienced love. I experienced joy, and in the end, I experienced the most tremendous pain and sense of loss. Through it all, I grew, and for that, I believe it was worth every single moment of pain.
Now, I find myself at the beginning of a new relationship with Hampton. I enter this relationship with a great deal of caution, a great deal of holding back and with much protection for my heart. I'm taking this one single, solitary day at a time. What I know is that we have a tremendous amount of commonalities, and a hope and desire for a future together.
In the last few months I've been in touch with my father more-of all ways-through text messages. It's a simple step, but may be the catalyst for change along the path to reconciliation. It's difficult to imagine opening the doors to my life-even just a little bit-to the ones who gave me life. I have a letter written, yet I need to edit it and box it up along with a couple of things I need to send along.
I also find myself lost in contemplation about my career-lost in a seemingly endless sea of possibility, yet, dwelling in the reality of my own limitations- and looking at the opportunities that abound. It’s a very stressful crossroads at which I stand. Being an educator is nagging at me, pulling me and calling out to me. Do I follow? Do I cower? Do I follow in the path of least resistance.
Here’s my confession: Change is inevitable. Change is rarely easy-in many cases it is damn near impossible. I’m fortunate to have the an incredible support group of close friends to lean on and to learn from in each transition of life. Taking a leap into the unknown is a frightening experience, but, then again, remaining stagnant and not taking the effort to move past all the hurt and pain to see the hope of a brighter tomorrow robs us of the beauty of life, and the the richness it has to offer.
This year I met, and fell in love with George. This was the most incredible experience in my life-an experience where I learned so much about myself, my body, live and life. The ending of that relationship was about as painful as anything I've ever experienced. The only thing I can imagine more painful was the death of my grandmother, and yet, in ways, losing George was far more painful. I would not change a single second of the time I spent with George-because I know that is exactly where I was supposed to be--at that point in my life. I experienced a little bit of heaven here on earth. I experienced love. I experienced joy, and in the end, I experienced the most tremendous pain and sense of loss. Through it all, I grew, and for that, I believe it was worth every single moment of pain.
Now, I find myself at the beginning of a new relationship with Hampton. I enter this relationship with a great deal of caution, a great deal of holding back and with much protection for my heart. I'm taking this one single, solitary day at a time. What I know is that we have a tremendous amount of commonalities, and a hope and desire for a future together.
In the last few months I've been in touch with my father more-of all ways-through text messages. It's a simple step, but may be the catalyst for change along the path to reconciliation. It's difficult to imagine opening the doors to my life-even just a little bit-to the ones who gave me life. I have a letter written, yet I need to edit it and box it up along with a couple of things I need to send along.
I also find myself lost in contemplation about my career-lost in a seemingly endless sea of possibility, yet, dwelling in the reality of my own limitations- and looking at the opportunities that abound. It’s a very stressful crossroads at which I stand. Being an educator is nagging at me, pulling me and calling out to me. Do I follow? Do I cower? Do I follow in the path of least resistance.
Here’s my confession: Change is inevitable. Change is rarely easy-in many cases it is damn near impossible. I’m fortunate to have the an incredible support group of close friends to lean on and to learn from in each transition of life. Taking a leap into the unknown is a frightening experience, but, then again, remaining stagnant and not taking the effort to move past all the hurt and pain to see the hope of a brighter tomorrow robs us of the beauty of life, and the the richness it has to offer.
Monday, April 18, 2011
IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES
IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said "What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." I think it prudent to remind myself of that almost daily. It's so easy to get caught up in the mundane, the worry and fears of life. I worry about paying off my debts, what career is right for me and especially about the man I love. Yet, all that is mundane-in the grand scheme-compared to what is real, what is now, what is sustainable.
What if I woke up in the morning and that which I love the most were gone? What if all my friends were gone? What if my relationship were to come to a screeching halt? Would it hurt? You're damn right it would hurt. Would I cease to exist if all that I hold dear were gone or would I persevere? I'm sure I would survive, somehow, someway.
Ultimately I know that worrying will not add one moment to my life. Yet, how do I let go of worry and truly live, love and prosper? The last few years of my life have taught me so much about my own ability to survive in the face of loss. I've lost loves, a job, a home, and yet, I'm still here. I am fortunate to have the love and support of friends. I'm living today a life I would have never imagined only a three or four short years ago. Those who did not know me before scoff when I tell them I was not outgoing, that I didn't feel worthy, that I was painfully shy. Yet, today I have such an amazing group of people in my life who have facilitated my metamorphosis.
What if that call came tomorrow-that my parents are gone? Would I forgive myself for the years of estrangement? Where are those words of forgiveness? They are closer now than ever, yet in my heart, I have no desire for any sort of day-to-day interaction.
Here's my confession: I wrestle daily with feelings of inferiority and unworthiness. I have a man in my life that I love dearly, yet each day I wonder if this the day my heart will once again be shattered. I worry, maybe not as much as I have in the past, that friendships will fade. I worry that the wonder and joy in my life will disappear. But, I have to remind myself, as Emerson so eloquently put it, that which lies inside me is far larger, better and more important than anything in the past or future. The key ingredient here is to find joy, peace and love today, in the now, in the only moment I have. Yesterday's worries will take care of themselves and tomorrow is still yet to arrive. So, if tomorrow never comes, when I lie my head down to rest tonight, will I have peace that I've done all in my power to live today to it's fullest? Have I done all I can with what lies within me, or have I let my worries, fears and frustrations rob me of the experiences I should enjoy today?
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said "What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." I think it prudent to remind myself of that almost daily. It's so easy to get caught up in the mundane, the worry and fears of life. I worry about paying off my debts, what career is right for me and especially about the man I love. Yet, all that is mundane-in the grand scheme-compared to what is real, what is now, what is sustainable.
What if I woke up in the morning and that which I love the most were gone? What if all my friends were gone? What if my relationship were to come to a screeching halt? Would it hurt? You're damn right it would hurt. Would I cease to exist if all that I hold dear were gone or would I persevere? I'm sure I would survive, somehow, someway.
Ultimately I know that worrying will not add one moment to my life. Yet, how do I let go of worry and truly live, love and prosper? The last few years of my life have taught me so much about my own ability to survive in the face of loss. I've lost loves, a job, a home, and yet, I'm still here. I am fortunate to have the love and support of friends. I'm living today a life I would have never imagined only a three or four short years ago. Those who did not know me before scoff when I tell them I was not outgoing, that I didn't feel worthy, that I was painfully shy. Yet, today I have such an amazing group of people in my life who have facilitated my metamorphosis.
What if that call came tomorrow-that my parents are gone? Would I forgive myself for the years of estrangement? Where are those words of forgiveness? They are closer now than ever, yet in my heart, I have no desire for any sort of day-to-day interaction.
Here's my confession: I wrestle daily with feelings of inferiority and unworthiness. I have a man in my life that I love dearly, yet each day I wonder if this the day my heart will once again be shattered. I worry, maybe not as much as I have in the past, that friendships will fade. I worry that the wonder and joy in my life will disappear. But, I have to remind myself, as Emerson so eloquently put it, that which lies inside me is far larger, better and more important than anything in the past or future. The key ingredient here is to find joy, peace and love today, in the now, in the only moment I have. Yesterday's worries will take care of themselves and tomorrow is still yet to arrive. So, if tomorrow never comes, when I lie my head down to rest tonight, will I have peace that I've done all in my power to live today to it's fullest? Have I done all I can with what lies within me, or have I let my worries, fears and frustrations rob me of the experiences I should enjoy today?
Thursday, February 24, 2011
A YEAR IN THE LIFE (525,600 MINUTES)
A YEAR IN THE LIFE
As I sit here tonight preparing for a night of rest, I reflect, as I have been doing to myself all week on the major event that happened in my life on February 25, 2010. That was the day I was called in to the human resources director’s office and was informed that I was being terminated. Quite a slap in the face, actually, considering only three days earlier I had been informed that I was approved for a company buy-out as part of a reduction of force. Poor Job Performance was the reason behind their decision to let me go. Well, as my hard word and tenacity would win out, I ended up receiving a reversal on the termination. That was nearly 525,600 minutes. Yet it was that one moment when the words were uttered “we’ve decided to go ahead with termination, effective immediately.”, that changed my course. It was that phrase that wiped out twelve years of my life in an instant. I found out very quickly who my friends were-both personally and professionally.
I don’t think I doubted for one second that I would land on my feet again. Usually most people who leave the company, for whatever reason, end up better in the end. There were a few dark moments, I’m sure there were a few tears shed, but the truth of the matter is that my few months of unemployment allowed me to focus on different things. The truth of the matter is that I feel a tremendous amount of peace that things happened, things and experiences which would not have been a chance to experience. I’m grateful for the experiences I gained in the 12 years there. In the end, l can honestly say that so many lessons have been learned.
Here’s my confession: Perhaps my only regret is that I didn’t get a proper going-away party. I didn’t get the cake and munchies that everyone else has the opportunity to receive. Instead, I got a “you can pick up your personal belongings on Saturday.” Eventually, I received a “sign here” to receive your reception… I’m a stronger person today emotionally, Truly that which doesn’t kill us DOES make us stronger.
As I sit here tonight preparing for a night of rest, I reflect, as I have been doing to myself all week on the major event that happened in my life on February 25, 2010. That was the day I was called in to the human resources director’s office and was informed that I was being terminated. Quite a slap in the face, actually, considering only three days earlier I had been informed that I was approved for a company buy-out as part of a reduction of force. Poor Job Performance was the reason behind their decision to let me go. Well, as my hard word and tenacity would win out, I ended up receiving a reversal on the termination. That was nearly 525,600 minutes. Yet it was that one moment when the words were uttered “we’ve decided to go ahead with termination, effective immediately.”, that changed my course. It was that phrase that wiped out twelve years of my life in an instant. I found out very quickly who my friends were-both personally and professionally.
I don’t think I doubted for one second that I would land on my feet again. Usually most people who leave the company, for whatever reason, end up better in the end. There were a few dark moments, I’m sure there were a few tears shed, but the truth of the matter is that my few months of unemployment allowed me to focus on different things. The truth of the matter is that I feel a tremendous amount of peace that things happened, things and experiences which would not have been a chance to experience. I’m grateful for the experiences I gained in the 12 years there. In the end, l can honestly say that so many lessons have been learned.
Here’s my confession: Perhaps my only regret is that I didn’t get a proper going-away party. I didn’t get the cake and munchies that everyone else has the opportunity to receive. Instead, I got a “you can pick up your personal belongings on Saturday.” Eventually, I received a “sign here” to receive your reception… I’m a stronger person today emotionally, Truly that which doesn’t kill us DOES make us stronger.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
JANUARY GRATITUDE
January Gratitude
It is so difficult to believe that the first month of 2011 is already down in the history books. Furthermore, what an eventful month! While my new year's resolutions are fluid and not etched in stone, I've accomplished some of the goals I have set forth for myself.
In this first month of the year, I have begun the running the Couch to 5K program and I have been started doing yoga. I've also set forth musical goals-memorizing music. I am still working on my piece for January, but am proud of the progress I've made.
I'm grateful for the friendships which have been renewed, and those which are growing. I am looking forward to friendships and relationships growing and seeing what they are to become. I believe that a relationship, a companionship, will develop.
I am grateful for the new beginning of 2011, for the rare snow we have experienced this winter and for the renewal of my spirit on many levels. I’m grateful for a new outlook on life.
Here’s my confession: There are a zillion things I’d like to change in my life. The real truth of the matter is that I have everything I need. I have faith, friendship and hope. Life is not a beautiful vase of roses, it’s sometimes just a bunch of briars. Life is good, and I have a hunch that 2011 is going to be full of good stuff. I have no doubt that everything happens. Where I am today is vastly different than a year ago. Every day is a day full of possibilities. And, with one month of the year completely behind us, I am excited to live in the now, but look forward to the beauty of tomorrow.
It is so difficult to believe that the first month of 2011 is already down in the history books. Furthermore, what an eventful month! While my new year's resolutions are fluid and not etched in stone, I've accomplished some of the goals I have set forth for myself.
In this first month of the year, I have begun the running the Couch to 5K program and I have been started doing yoga. I've also set forth musical goals-memorizing music. I am still working on my piece for January, but am proud of the progress I've made.
I'm grateful for the friendships which have been renewed, and those which are growing. I am looking forward to friendships and relationships growing and seeing what they are to become. I believe that a relationship, a companionship, will develop.
I am grateful for the new beginning of 2011, for the rare snow we have experienced this winter and for the renewal of my spirit on many levels. I’m grateful for a new outlook on life.
Here’s my confession: There are a zillion things I’d like to change in my life. The real truth of the matter is that I have everything I need. I have faith, friendship and hope. Life is not a beautiful vase of roses, it’s sometimes just a bunch of briars. Life is good, and I have a hunch that 2011 is going to be full of good stuff. I have no doubt that everything happens. Where I am today is vastly different than a year ago. Every day is a day full of possibilities. And, with one month of the year completely behind us, I am excited to live in the now, but look forward to the beauty of tomorrow.
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