GRATITUDE 2.27.09

I take a break today from the series of questions I’ve been pondering this week to once again get in the habit of my gratitude reflections. It’s nice to take a breather every once in a while just to pause for introspection. What a wonderful life I have. It’s not a perfect life. I struggle to make ends meet, with insecurities, fears, and doubts. I am human. I often fail, procrastinate and don’t always do the things I need to do. I take people and things for granted. It’s just part of life. I am truly aware that my worst day is always better than someone else’s best day, and for that I have a heart filled with gratitude.

As I look back over the week, I am grateful for the kind words of church people who told me how much my music means to them. I’m grateful for moments spent with friends who mean so much to me. I’m grateful for my health, my pets, and my job. I’m thankful that I had enough food to eat this week, and then when I did miss a meal, it wasn’t because I couldn’t afford to eat. I’m grateful to live in a country where I’m free to be myself, where I’m free to express myself.

I get so frustrated sometimes because it seems the economy is never going to improve, that my house is never going to sell and that I’m always going to be in this state of being to which I’ve grown so accustomed. However, when I really pause to be honest with myself and think long and hard about it—I have a roof over my head. I’m not sleeping out in the rain tonight. I live an abundant life and don’t even realize it.

Here’s my confession: The overwhelming theme of my life over the last year has been change and growth. Had someone told me one year ago that I’d be where I am on the journey today, I’m not so certain I’d have believed them. I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve won far more than I’ve lost. So, six months or a year from now, I imagine I’ll be writing another gratitude blog in which I’m commenting about just how much more I’ve grown, what new experiences and people will have come into my life. I’m learning to be grateful for the moment in which I live, and look forward to the hopes of brighter, even more blessed tomorrows.

WHAT AM I DOING TO HELP OTHERS?

This is a difficult question for me to answer, because, quiet honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing to help others. I try to be a good friend. As I said in yesterday’s posting, I hope that my music helps others. Besides my involvement in church music and singing in the Choral society, I don’t think I have much of an impact in helping others.

I write my blog in the hopes that my life experiences will touch the lives of my readers—that my reflections of gratitude may cause my readers to reflect on their own blessings.

I try to treat my friends and family of choice with love and respect, to listen to them, to be there for them when they need me. I serve my brothers in the men’s chorus as their president and representative to our board of directors, in an attempt to make our chorus better.

Being fascinated with death, I’ve often thought of volunteering with a hospice organization. While this isn’t something I am actually doing now, it is something I would like to do to help others.

Here’s my confession: This has been a blog I’ve had to think about a lot, and haven’t really come up with a great many answers. I suppose that many of us help others in ways we may never know, and I hope that case is true for me. Relationships are important to me, and knowing that I am there for the people in my life is a responsibility I don’t take lightly. If I can lend an ear, bring a laugh or just brighten someone’s day just by my being there, I will be satisfied that I have accomplished my mission. Perhaps this topic gives me something to think about as the season of Lent begins: What can I do to help others? What can I do to improve the lives of those around me?

AM I DOING SOMETHING THAT MATTERS?

I think if we are all honest, we want to know that when we leave this world that we will have left a positive mark on the planet—that we will be remembered for doing good, for touching lives in a very positive way. We want to live lives so that when we die the speaker(s) at our funerals won't have to lie about us just to speak well of the dead.

Am I doing something that matters? What a question! Where to begin? I know I'm doing something that matters when, after mass, a parishioner I don't even know, or a visitor, comes up to me to tell me just how much they enjoyed the music—or how much my prelude touched them. That's my goal each week, of course—to touch lives through my music. I know I'm doing something that matters when church choir members thank me for what I'm doing. I know I'm doing what I love and love what I'm doing.

I know that singing with the Magic City Choral Society matters. It matters to me socially, musically and even on a spiritual/emotional level. Singing with this group of gay men makes me proud, and makes a difference in our community—regardless of the color of our skin, our sexual orientations, the side of town where we live, what kind of work we do, how much money we have in our bank accounts. It makes a difference because music is our common denominator. It is something that matters because, on so many levels, our voices are heard. We are a witness to the world in which we live of the diversity of our community. The music we make, the voices we unite, are greater than that which divides us, both within our own gay community and the community at large.

Here's my confession: Most of my days seem rather mundane, and it's hard to believe that my day to day life makes a difference. I get up, go to my job, do the things I need to do and then do it again, day after day. Yet, I have to believe that what I do touches people's lives. I have to believe that I do make a difference in the lives of friends who entrust to me their secrets, their devotion, their love. I have to believe that what I do does matter to the generations of gay people who will come after me, just as those who have paved the way for my generation have done. While the things I do may be minimal, I have to believe that in some way, somehow, everything I do will matter in the life of someone else. Maybe it's just a smile, or a kind word or a simple note. My life has meaning and what I do with my life matters. I don't know how many tomorrows there are for me, but it is my hope that each day counts, that I find a way to live each day to its fullest, that I will be remembered as someone who truly mattered.

AM I PURSUING MY DREAM, OR IS FEAR STOPPING ME?

In many ways I am truly pursuing my dream. One dream I had as a child was to be a church musician. I would always sit with awe and watch the pianist or organist play when I'd go to church with my grandmother. So, when the opportunity came my way to become an accompanist myself, I seized that opportunity. I'm far from the world's greatest musician, I make mistakes, but I enjoy what I'm doing and it provides me much needed additional income.

Also as a child, my dream was to be a school teacher. I was playing school with my cousins as a teenager—way longer than I should have been "playing school". While in college, I began as a Music Education major. After a few education courses, I knew that teaching was not something that was going to come easily to me, so I made the decision to pursue the Bachelor of Arts in Music. Still, over the years, I've thought of perhaps opening my own music studio, but the dream isn't so overpowering that it is the only thing on my mind.

I suppose the dream of which I've thought the most is going to graduate school. I honestly don't know what I'd study, but I would like, for my own edification, my own self-esteem, to have a Master's degree in something. Furthermore, I'd like to add the word Dr. to the front of my name and the initials Ph.D to the end of my name. This dream is where the fear and finances holds me back. First, I don't have a clear definition of what I want to study, what I would do with the degree once I attain it, or even how I would pay for it. I've never been the type who can take a blind leap of faith.

I've sat at the same job for nearly 11 years of my life. Is it my dream? No. It’s a means to an end. It pays the bills. It’s increasingly hard work in an increasingly hard economy and industry. I’ve learned a great many skills and had a great many wonderful professional experiences and friendships, but a dream it is not. Yet, every single day I think that I’m so incredibly blessed to work for a company who cares about me and has given me opportunities to grow.

Here’s my confession: I’ve a long way to travel before reaching my dreams, Many silent dreams and prayers have truly been peaceful. Each new day is full wonderful new beginnings. Lots of things serve as road blocks or directional arrows for me. Peace and contentment are just around the corner. So, I will continue to see where those arrows point me, dream the dreams and follow my heart, for that is the only way to travel in this life. Without a vision, says the Bible, the people perish. And, so, I dream of a vision...

WHO DO I LOVE, AND WHAT AM I DOING ABOUT IT?

Note: I recently found a set of six questions to answer to get the most out of life, so beginning today, I will answer these questions as part of my bog.

Certainly this is a loaded question for me, given that my relationship with Lane is somewhat up in the air. That doesn’t mean I don’t love Lane, because on many levels I do. I’ll focus more generally than specifically.

I love my friends. I have never had a large circle of friends, yet over the last several months, I’ve been blessed to have so many wonderful people come into my life. These friends are mostly through my involvement with the Choral Society, the greatest love of my life. So who do I love? I love my brothers in the Choral Society. What am I doing about it? I’m fostering what I hope to be life-long relationships with my brothers. In the short period of time I’ve known these guys, they’ve been there for me and have truly become a family to me. They are very much the family of choice for me and my love for them is beyond words. My love extends not only to my brothers in the choir, but also in many cases to their partners and friends. All together, we are a family. I love spending time with my friends, laughing, joking, bonding, talking and growing. Each wonderful individual in my life brings something that I need. They bring love and understanding, and I hope that I, in turn, return those wonderful gifts to them.

I love my family of origin, but I think it is more out of obligation than true love. I have so very little in common with my family of origin that it’s hard to even put into words the lack of emotion I have for them. It’s sad to me in a way, because I feel that I should have more love for the family that gave me life, for my parents, who made many sacrifices for me my whole life. I should feel something for my extended family-aunts, cousins, but nothing. How in the world can I possibly extend love to such strangers? I write cards and letters in an attempt to reach out, but get no response. However, I continue to try.

I love my pets. I have two cats. Unfortunately, I’m probably not ever going to win the “Pet Owner of the Year” Award. Oh, I clean their litter boxes, make sure they have water and food, but I could certainly provide more affection to them, I could stand to brush them a little more often, listen to them talk a little more, yet sometimes I think I’m a bit selfish and don’t give them the love they deserve.

Here’s my confession: None of us knows what tomorrow holds, how much time we have left on this Earth. It should be my priority—our priorities—that each day on earth we do our best to let those around us know what they mean to us. They could be gone tomorrow, or we could be gone tomorrow. Either way, and I speak this to myself as much as anyone, it is imperative that we take each and every opportunity to let those in our lives, our friends, our family, co-workers, anyone in our lives for whom we share love just how much they mean to us. Whether or not they return our love, it is important that we let them know. Because if tomorrow never comes, we’ve wasted an opportunity. And there is so much love to be gained by giving love.

GRATITUDE 02.22.09

It’s been a few weeks since I sat down to examine the reasons for gratitude in my life. I try to make this a weekly part of my blog, but sometimes I fail to do it. It’s important that I take the time to express my heartfelt gratitude because it’s all too easy to take people and things for granted in our lives.

That for which I am most grateful in my life right now is friendship. It sounds like some sort of a sob story, but I’ve never had a lot of friends. Now, for the first time in my life, I have people who share their lives with me and genuinely share their lives with me. I have a close, yet growing, circle of friendships. We often refer to ourselves as a “Fraternity”, and I can’t think of a more appropriate term.

While I’m so anxious for this house to sell so that I can move to a place of my very own, I’m grateful for the roof I have over my head. All will work out in the right time. I long to be closer to the city, closer to the friends I love, but I need to just learn to be content with where I am right now, for so many would love to be in the situation I’m in. Many people don’t even have a home.

Here’s my confession: I have a world of blessings I’d have never ever suspected even a year ago. I have friends who truly care about me. I have a clearer picture of who I am and what the future holds. Life isn’t perfect, situations aren’t perfect, but there are so many wonderful things happening in life that. But, in spite of the things that aren’t perfect in my life, I’m blessed. And the adventure continues.

UNDEFINED

As I’ve thought about things happening in my life over the last few days I’ve noticed some consistencies going and they all revolve around things in my life which are, for whatever reason, undefined.

My relationship with Lane-just one short week ago was defined as over-one for the history books. Yet, something has happened. But what? We’re not exactly a couple anymore-not quite at the “boyfriend” status, but there’s something going on that is beyond definition. There’s something really special going on—something beyond the pain of those honest conversations we never wanted to have in the first place and where we are right now—has been born a friendship and intimacy that is stronger than it was when we confined ourselves to the label ourselves as “boyfriends”. We are both seemingly ok with that. However, whatever this is between us remains “undefined”.

Spiritually speaking it has occurred to me in recent days that I have some truly undefined religious views. While I profess Christianity and seek to serve Christ in the Catholic tradition, I find that other faith traditions have their merits. The common thread of faith is LOVE. A prayer request made the other day by a fine Catholic lady I know made me pause for a moment to think how so many Christians just don't get it. She was asking for prayer for her cousin who is dying. She said he had turned his back on his Catholic upbringing and turned to Buddhism and is hoping he has a change of heart before it is too late. While I understand her heart is in the right place, but if this is where this man finds peace with his God, then isn't that truly the point? If this is where he finds LOVE, isn't that the point? I can't define my faith by a simple set of doctrines. I cannot define my faith simply by religion. I cannot define my religion simply by faith.

Family. Family cannot, for me, be defined as simply those people to whom I was born. I’ve written often about the dysfunction with my family of origin. Yet, it is with those people I share very few commonalities or interests. It saddens me somewhat to think of how distant I am from my family of origin. However, in recent months, it is the family I’ve created-my family of choice-those dear and loving friends who surround me who come closest to showing me something that was once undefined-the love of family. I have a great and extended circle of friends I would certainly consider family. But their love only begins to bring a bit of fullness to the definition of family.

Here’s my confession: Perhaps definition isn’t all that important. Perhaps a general abstract or idea is good enough. I’m not at all certain. That of which I am certain is that love is a very interesting subject, relationships are not something easily defined, faith takes on many aspects and family is all in the eyes of the beholder. Finding peace in all these areas is the truly important task at hand-perhaps even more important that defining that which in our lives, for whatever reasons, remains undefined. I suppose I live a life in which there is a lot of grey area, not so much black and white. Each day opens with its own set of challenges and blessings, and as day turn to night, often the things that mean the most to us in life defy our attempts to put into words true meaning or definition-either in word or in focus. Learning to accept that fact of life is where we find freedom to just “be”—to be present in the moment, to be with those we love and to have the courage to live our lives to the fullest.