There’s a song by one of my favorite musicians, Jim Brickman, called “Never Alone”. The album version has vocals by Sara Evans and the radio version’s vocals were done by Lady Antebellum. As I was composing an email response to a friend tonight, the song came to mind, and I thought of how truly “never alone” I truly am.
Even when I’m alone, I’m blessed to have a great many friends on whom I could call at a moment’s notice and they would come running to my side. It’s such a different world for me than I’ve ever lived in before, and it’s a good thing.
I find myself stressed, scared and just seeking direction in my life. I find myself asking questions, wanting so much more from life, yet not even knowing how to begin to tap into the things I want in my life. I’m tired. Well, to be honest, I’m exhausted—physically, emotionally, spiritually. And, while often I feel alone, I know that the truth is that I am not. I have a “family” surrounding me. That’s a good feeling. It brings a smile, peace.
Here’s my confession. I feel like I’m just wondering around like a dog chasing his tail most of the time. I get so frustrated by things in my life, different situations, and just feel like the problems will never find solutions and questions will never find their answers. But, somewhere, deep in my heart, I know that I am not alone. I know that I am blessed beyond all measure. What I really need to learn to do is to STOP. BREATHE. RELAX. TRUST. BELIVEVE. I’m not alone in this world, no matter how much it seems like I am.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
CONTRADICTIONS OF MYSELF
I readily admit that I have many double standards, many contradictions of my own self. It’s really something which, of late, I’ve become aware. There’s no excuse other than insecurity—that one, my friends, will get you every time. And insecurity’s brother, jealousy is just as bad. Those “excuses” are about as lame as one can get, but they are true. I live by a different set of rules. It’s a struggle I face, an uphill battle I am fighting.
I have so many things going right in my life right now, so many friends who would, honestly, drop everything they are doing to come to my aid. I have a man who seemingly worships the very air I breathe. All is right in the world—or is it? No, it is not. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to give up that last little bit of control. There’s that part of me that wants to be able to call the shots. And there’s an even bigger part of me that knows that’s all wrong.
Here’s my confession: I have no idea where my relationship is ultimately headed. I have no idea why I do a lot of the things that I do. What I do know is that I’m living a life of ups and downs, happiness and sadness. My only saving graces are that I’m open and upfront with Lane about my double standards, and he so understands—for whatever reason. I don’t deserve any more chances, but I’m so thankful for the ones I’ve been given. I’m tired of the conflict within my own self. I’m better than this. I’m frustrated. But, tomorrow is a new day.
I have so many things going right in my life right now, so many friends who would, honestly, drop everything they are doing to come to my aid. I have a man who seemingly worships the very air I breathe. All is right in the world—or is it? No, it is not. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to give up that last little bit of control. There’s that part of me that wants to be able to call the shots. And there’s an even bigger part of me that knows that’s all wrong.
Here’s my confession: I have no idea where my relationship is ultimately headed. I have no idea why I do a lot of the things that I do. What I do know is that I’m living a life of ups and downs, happiness and sadness. My only saving graces are that I’m open and upfront with Lane about my double standards, and he so understands—for whatever reason. I don’t deserve any more chances, but I’m so thankful for the ones I’ve been given. I’m tired of the conflict within my own self. I’m better than this. I’m frustrated. But, tomorrow is a new day.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
GRATITUDE 03.29.09
I have many things for which to be grateful as I pause for reflection this week. The week started with difficult news this week at work. While many of the businesses in my particular industry are simply folding, my company took a step that, while shocking to many of us, is better than the alternative. It was announced that we will be required to take a mandatory ten day furlough. I still have a job. By taking a slight pay decrease, my furlough days will be paid.
Tuesday I had the awesome privilege and responsibility of providing the music for my late friend Helen’s funeral mass. It was an incredible celebration of her life—a life she lived to the fullest—I’d say even to the very last moment of her life, when she died in an automobile accident only one week and one day after her 89th birthday.
I’m grateful for such wonderful friendships. I say it, and I say it often, but I wouldn’t bother saying it if it weren’t true. The people in my life make my life immeasurably exciting to live. Sometimes, I just sit in awe when I think of the people who have come into my life in these last few months. With many of them, the friendships are such a bond that it seems we’ve been friends for years and years.
I’m grateful for memories of the past, experiences in the present and hopes for the future. I’m grateful for glimpses of peace which continue to come into my life. I’ve a long way to go, but feel confident that I’m on the right path.
Here’s my confession: While I am often dissatisfied with my lot in life, the truth of the matter is that I have a wonderful roof over my head, I have friends who love me, I have many more things going positively in my life than negatively. I often have more questions than answers, and I’m learning that is not so much a bad thing. Often, it’s the memories we make along the way that mean the most to us in retrospect. I have a good life, despite the moment of doubt and fear that all too often creep into my life. I’m a work in progress, and it’s only through grace and gratitude that I’m able to find my way through each new day of life.
Tuesday I had the awesome privilege and responsibility of providing the music for my late friend Helen’s funeral mass. It was an incredible celebration of her life—a life she lived to the fullest—I’d say even to the very last moment of her life, when she died in an automobile accident only one week and one day after her 89th birthday.
I’m grateful for such wonderful friendships. I say it, and I say it often, but I wouldn’t bother saying it if it weren’t true. The people in my life make my life immeasurably exciting to live. Sometimes, I just sit in awe when I think of the people who have come into my life in these last few months. With many of them, the friendships are such a bond that it seems we’ve been friends for years and years.
I’m grateful for memories of the past, experiences in the present and hopes for the future. I’m grateful for glimpses of peace which continue to come into my life. I’ve a long way to go, but feel confident that I’m on the right path.
Here’s my confession: While I am often dissatisfied with my lot in life, the truth of the matter is that I have a wonderful roof over my head, I have friends who love me, I have many more things going positively in my life than negatively. I often have more questions than answers, and I’m learning that is not so much a bad thing. Often, it’s the memories we make along the way that mean the most to us in retrospect. I have a good life, despite the moment of doubt and fear that all too often creep into my life. I’m a work in progress, and it’s only through grace and gratitude that I’m able to find my way through each new day of life.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
BALANCE
Finding balance. That's my new goal. In the last year of my life I've gone from being a virtual hermit to blossoming into a social butterfly; from being an extreme introvert to tapping into my more extroverted side. I've gone from having nothing to do to suddenly having lots to do. It's all part of the growth process I've gone through, and I won't complain, because I have a far richer life today than I did a year ago.
The problem is that my life is out of balance. I'm constantly on the go. I'm going from rehearsal to rehearsal, dinner to dinner and added to all that the responsibilities of maintaining my home, caring for my cats and maintaining relationships. I must admit, I'm really not doing a very good job of balancing all the things on my plate. I try to please everyone in my life, try to accommodate all that is asked of me. While I've learned the art of saying "no" to some parts of my life, I haven't learned to do it so well in others. This causes conflict with people in my life and within my own self. Sometimes I want to just "be". Sometimes I want to just be able to sit down for hours on end and play the piano...to really hone my skill. Sometimes I do want to be with friends. Sometimes I want to be alone. I have to strike that magical balance between pleasing others and pausing to do the things that I need to do for me.
I have to learn that just because I'm not at every gathering of my friends, that the world isn't going to stop spinning, the friendships aren't going to disappear and that actually taking time for me—totally for me—is not selfish. Taking time to recharge, re-energize, to regroup is not a bad thing. In fact, it's the healthiest thing I can do for myself.
Here’s my confession: I’ve always been a bit of a loner. I grew up as an only child. And now, as I’ve discovered new areas of my life, developed new friendships, it’s difficult to break out of old habits and want to be with my friends all of the time. It’s a real struggle for me, because what I really, really want is a balance in all the areas of my life. I’m growing and learning to stop and take care of what matters. As a natural introvert, I have to take time away and just relax in the ways that will allow me to recharge. Balance will come soon.
The problem is that my life is out of balance. I'm constantly on the go. I'm going from rehearsal to rehearsal, dinner to dinner and added to all that the responsibilities of maintaining my home, caring for my cats and maintaining relationships. I must admit, I'm really not doing a very good job of balancing all the things on my plate. I try to please everyone in my life, try to accommodate all that is asked of me. While I've learned the art of saying "no" to some parts of my life, I haven't learned to do it so well in others. This causes conflict with people in my life and within my own self. Sometimes I want to just "be". Sometimes I want to just be able to sit down for hours on end and play the piano...to really hone my skill. Sometimes I do want to be with friends. Sometimes I want to be alone. I have to strike that magical balance between pleasing others and pausing to do the things that I need to do for me.
I have to learn that just because I'm not at every gathering of my friends, that the world isn't going to stop spinning, the friendships aren't going to disappear and that actually taking time for me—totally for me—is not selfish. Taking time to recharge, re-energize, to regroup is not a bad thing. In fact, it's the healthiest thing I can do for myself.
Here’s my confession: I’ve always been a bit of a loner. I grew up as an only child. And now, as I’ve discovered new areas of my life, developed new friendships, it’s difficult to break out of old habits and want to be with my friends all of the time. It’s a real struggle for me, because what I really, really want is a balance in all the areas of my life. I’m growing and learning to stop and take care of what matters. As a natural introvert, I have to take time away and just relax in the ways that will allow me to recharge. Balance will come soon.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
THE JOURNEY OF 1001 DAYS BEGINS...
Today I have taken the first step on a journey which will take me 1001 days to complete. I’m taking part in a project my counselor told me about. It’s 101 things to do in 1001 days. 1001 days is roughly equivalent to 2.75 years. I’ve been pondering for several weeks now, trying to figure out what goes on my list of 101 things. As I begin this journey, the list is not complete, but since I’m about a quarter of the way to 101, I feel confident in starting the project, because I know that as I journey along, I’ll discover many important things that belong on the list. The purpose of the 1001 days is to better myself and to push myself to new heights and in new directions.
Some of the things on my list are deeply personal, things I’m not sure I’ll share, while others are very simple. All of them share a common goal: challenging myself to grow spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and personally. Among my challenges are learning some computer programs such as Excel and Garage Band, others involve reading spiritual books. My list will run a wide spectrum, and I’m very excited.
Here’s my confession: Beginning my journey today has a little bit of irony in it, in that 1001 days from today is December 18, 2011. December 18 is a very important day to me—not only because 18 is my favorite number, but because I finished college on December 18, 1997. One thing I really love about this blog is that those of you who are reading it are telling me how much it means to you—how much it inspires you to take stock of your own life. I hope that my 1001 day project will inspire you to create your list of 101 things you want to challenge yourself to do. As Socrates said “The unexamined life is not worth living.” That’s what the next 1001 days are going to be about for me.
Some of the things on my list are deeply personal, things I’m not sure I’ll share, while others are very simple. All of them share a common goal: challenging myself to grow spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and personally. Among my challenges are learning some computer programs such as Excel and Garage Band, others involve reading spiritual books. My list will run a wide spectrum, and I’m very excited.
Here’s my confession: Beginning my journey today has a little bit of irony in it, in that 1001 days from today is December 18, 2011. December 18 is a very important day to me—not only because 18 is my favorite number, but because I finished college on December 18, 1997. One thing I really love about this blog is that those of you who are reading it are telling me how much it means to you—how much it inspires you to take stock of your own life. I hope that my 1001 day project will inspire you to create your list of 101 things you want to challenge yourself to do. As Socrates said “The unexamined life is not worth living.” That’s what the next 1001 days are going to be about for me.
Friday, March 20, 2009
GRATITUDE 03.20.09
It has been an extremely exhausting week on just about every level imaginable. Yet, with all that has been going on in my world, there are many thanks for which to express gratitude.
Work has been very stressful lately…which new ways of doing things, higher expectations, greater accountability. Yet, with all the changes, I’m still grateful to even have a job at all. So many people are not as fortunate.
On Wednesday of this week, I received the saddening news that my friend Helen, who just turned 89 a little over a week ago, was killed in an automobile accident. I’m grateful for the life she lived, the lessons she taught and the love she gave.
Here’s my confession: I have a lot of clutter in my mind. I’m grateful for a little bit of downtime to process what’s going on. Fatigue surely won’t last forever! Work will return to a much happier place. I am optimistic.
Work has been very stressful lately…which new ways of doing things, higher expectations, greater accountability. Yet, with all the changes, I’m still grateful to even have a job at all. So many people are not as fortunate.
On Wednesday of this week, I received the saddening news that my friend Helen, who just turned 89 a little over a week ago, was killed in an automobile accident. I’m grateful for the life she lived, the lessons she taught and the love she gave.
Here’s my confession: I have a lot of clutter in my mind. I’m grateful for a little bit of downtime to process what’s going on. Fatigue surely won’t last forever! Work will return to a much happier place. I am optimistic.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
CONTEMPLATIONS IN DISCONTENTMENT
Discontented. Unmotivated. Restless. Anxious. Longing. Fearful. Exhausted. Contemplative. Frazzled. Disheartened. Discombobulated. Those words begin to scratch the surface of how I feel today, and, actually, how I've felt for several days. There's a longing, an almost primal need I have for answers, for peace, for contentment. My world has been spinning around for a while now. It seems I, myself, have been caught in some sort of vortex for months. I've been blessed with so many people coming in my life in recent months. I wouldn't change that for anything. But, at times, I feel so out of control. I feel like I'm just swirling around. Could it be that I'm really an introvert caught up in some extrovert's body?
I wrote earlier this week of my need for some down time. What I think I really need is just time for introspection, time to feel like I have my life back in control. I need to sit down and look at the big picture and do some long-range planning rather than just going day by day. To some people, it's a crazy little quirk of mine, but sometimes just cleaning my house and getting things organized is enough to calm me down. It's the important little things in life that I've been avoiding for so long-finances, the what-ifs of the house selling, the setting of goals, ambitions. STOPPING. Stopping long enough to catch a glimpse of where I've been, where I am, and where I want to be. It's taking an inventory of all the things that are important and putting them in a category. It's about finding some semblance of peace in this crazy world. It's about planning for tomorrow while still living for today.
Here's my confession: I just want to take a breath. I want to find balance between all the things in my life that really matter. The "things" that matter in my life aren't all things. They are the people who make my life so immeasurably exciting to live—serendipitous friendships that I never thought I'd have. Even still, there are things that are important in my life-creating and sticking to a budget, eliminating junk from my life—both material possessions and mental clutter—that bog me down. One day, in the not too distant future, I foresee myself being able to do just what I've described. It isn't an option, really, because if I don't stop and regroup, I fear undoing a great deal of the hard work I've done to get me where I am today.
I wrote earlier this week of my need for some down time. What I think I really need is just time for introspection, time to feel like I have my life back in control. I need to sit down and look at the big picture and do some long-range planning rather than just going day by day. To some people, it's a crazy little quirk of mine, but sometimes just cleaning my house and getting things organized is enough to calm me down. It's the important little things in life that I've been avoiding for so long-finances, the what-ifs of the house selling, the setting of goals, ambitions. STOPPING. Stopping long enough to catch a glimpse of where I've been, where I am, and where I want to be. It's taking an inventory of all the things that are important and putting them in a category. It's about finding some semblance of peace in this crazy world. It's about planning for tomorrow while still living for today.
Here's my confession: I just want to take a breath. I want to find balance between all the things in my life that really matter. The "things" that matter in my life aren't all things. They are the people who make my life so immeasurably exciting to live—serendipitous friendships that I never thought I'd have. Even still, there are things that are important in my life-creating and sticking to a budget, eliminating junk from my life—both material possessions and mental clutter—that bog me down. One day, in the not too distant future, I foresee myself being able to do just what I've described. It isn't an option, really, because if I don't stop and regroup, I fear undoing a great deal of the hard work I've done to get me where I am today.
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