PRIDE

PRIDE

Pride is something that can both bring people together and be divisive. This thought came to me last night as I was contemplating things in my life. I’ve thought about how both are true in my life. Pride…there’s the pride that draws groups together, such as American Pride or even gay pride. Then there is the pride that divides friendships and friendships.

As I think about it, I have a lot of pride in my life. I am proud of who I am, I’m proud of being a gay man. I’m proud of being a part of the family that my chorus provides. I’m proud of the people of the accomplishments I’ve achieved. I take pride in the fact that I have come so far in my life, despite obstacles I’ve faced.

Yet, on the other hand, there’s the pride that has destroyed so much. It’s about this pride that I must write tonight. It’s my own pride, my own unwillingness to break down barriers, to admit fault, that has built brick walls in relationships—specifically my relationship with my parents. It’s something of which I’ve written a great deal, and it’s something about which I think on a daily basis. Yet, it is my own pride, my own fears that keep me from being the bigger man, to stop pointing the fingers of blame, to break the silence. The last time I saw my parents was March, 2006. That’s a very long time.

I suppose my pride comes from resentments that I’ve allowed myself to nurse along the way. I know that those two individuals who brought me into this world did the best job they knew to do when they were raising me. I know that the hurt that my mother provided me through actions of which she may not have even been aware were, perhaps, unintentional. Yet, in my pride, I find it hard to find forgiveness. I find it hard to let go. It’s unimaginable to me that I would ever have a close and abiding relationship with my parents. Even when I was living at home, we didn’t have a lot of interaction. I was very much a loner, and they very much nurtured that.

Here’s my confession: The truth of the matter is that my pride has hurt two individuals who gave me the greatest gift I’ve ever received. Life. I am praying that somehow, some way, that I will find the courage that I need to write my parents, with love and from the bottom of my heart. I’m praying that I can let go of petty, foolish pride and find even an ounce of love and forgiveness within myself. The other truth of the matter is that while my parents are still young—not even in their 60s yet—they aren’t going to be around forever. There will come a day when I am called to their side as they are making their exit from this world, or after they’ve already made their exit—and what will be left? Certainly, only the knowledge that I didn’t do anything to make amends in the living years. While I feel like a stranger to them, and have for the majority of my life, I imagine the emotion that will hit me as I look down at their remains in their caskets and think “Damn you, foolish PRIDE.” So, will I let Pride bring some sort of resolution to my family or will I allow that foolish pride to drive a wedge farther and deeper than it has already gone? I pray with God’s help I can decide the right thing to do.

ON BEING OUT

ON BEING OUT

Today is National Coming Out Day, and I pause just a bit to think of my life. I’ve had the incredible fortune to be able to live the majority of my adult life as an openly gay man. Coming out comes in stages. First, you have to come out to yourself, then to your friends, and then your family—at least that’s the way it was for me and for most of the people I’ve known. However, I heard the other day something that really made me think—we actually never stop coming out. There’s always the coming out to new people we meet, co-workers, etc.

I think that now, in all of history, is the greatest time to be alive. It’s great to just be able to be who I am and not really worry about what people think. I think even living in the Deep South where many people don’t realize they know gay people, attitudes are changing, and most people are accepting.

I’ve never felt the need to be in your face about my sexuality. It’s part, not the whole, of who I am. I can’t think of a time in my recent past that I’ve denied my sexuality. I think people just take it as a given. It’s live and let live.

Here’s my confession: I’m proud to be who I am. I firmly believe I am who I am and I am who my God created me to be. And, if I’m being who my God created me to be, who can argue with that? I’ve been blessed in this life with wonderful friends who surround me. I wouldn’t be alive, I’m sure, were it not for many of my friends. Coming out was not an easy process when I decided it was time to make that leap, but I can count on one hand the number of people who have turned me away simply because I am gay. I wish everyone were so fortunate. “This above all, to thine own self be true…”

GRATITUDE AND TRANSITIONS 10.08.10

GRATITUDE AND TRANSITIONS 10.08.10

As I lie here tonight, I think of the wonder and gratitude I have in my life. If I’m being completely honest, this week, and, well, actually the last few weeks have been wrought with emotions going up and down like a roller coaster. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve paused to do a gratitude blog, and that was quite on purpose. I wanted to give myself a few weeks to really reflect on the gratitude I hold in my heart.

I’ve attempted to write a couple of blogs this week, but when the words failed me, I decided they weren’t ready to be given birth yet. Tonight, I believe I will combine all the emotions, thoughts and words that have been lying dormant. Tonight, I find myself listening to my heart. Tonight, I find myself listening to my spirit, and tonight I write from a place of sincerity and honesty.

I am grateful for the people who mean the most to me, my friends. Were it not for the people who love me so much, and show me their love, not only in words, but through their actions just how loved I am, I don’t know that I would make it. I’ve said so many times I grew up lonely, in a life devoid of close friends. Today, I have a few closely-knit group of friends who are worth more than all the gold in the world, at least in my eyes. Just knowing that someone cares means a lot. Those random text messages, those daily “hey how are you” emails and of course the personal interactions do not go un-noticed.

I’ve been though MANY transitions in the last year of my life. In fact, I’ve been through more transitions than I even care to recount. Yet, through it all, I am grateful for the struggles though which I have successfully come. I’ve changed my residence, I’ve changed jobs, I’ve struggled with friendships. I’ve lost at love. Yet, through each step of the way, I was getting a little stronger. Each set back prepared me for the struggle I would face tomorrow. For that, my heart is grateful.

I’m grateful for my choral ensemble and for the stories that were shared during our introductions on Tuesday evening. Each member brings a richness and a uniqueness to the ensemble. I’m grateful for the beautiful harmonies which were produced on Sunday evening during our Gala concert. There is absolutely no walking away from that concert without a feeling of pride and honor. I’m grateful, too, for the blessings I have experienced this week as a musician. I’m grateful that my hands and my voice can be used bless other people.

Here’s my confession: I’m a work completely in progress. My gratitude extends far beyond the platitudes and triteness of simply saying “thanks”. My gratitude is strong for the simple things in life. It is so easy to take things in this life for granted when they are there on a daily basis. It is my prayer that I seek out the beauty and gratitude in each human experience, and that all the prayers within my heart will show me the way ahead. a

STUCK ON YOU

STUCK ON YOU

I saw a picture of you tonight. I think of you almost every day. It’s sad, but I can’t seem to let you go, even though you flew the coop. Seeing the picture of you reminded me how much I thought I loved you, how much my dreams were dashed when you vanished. You are the only man who has ever made my heart flutter and took my breath away just looking at your picture.

You have a charisma about you that is captivating. I’ve never had a more perfect first date; I’ve never felt such an amazing feeling. While our tenure together was short. I learned so very much, and am grateful for the time we were able to share. I think I'm stuck on you, but it's time to set you free in my heart and mind.

I hope one day you’ll find yourself. And when you do, I hope you will find someone to love you with a love that will not end. I hope one day you’ll find peace with yourself, love with in yourself. After all, if you can’t love yourself, how the HELL are you going to love anyone else.

Here’s my confession: Maybe I wasn’t “Ready to Love Again” and maybe you were just “Falling”. Maybe the timing was all wrong, maybe I misjudged you, but how can I have regrets about something that at the time seemed so perfect. The truth is that even now, I’m stuck on you. The truth is that I loved you then. But the real truth is that I loved what I thought to be you. I wish you perfect peace. I hope you find love. I hope you find your faith in God again. Thank you, dear one, for the moments we shared. Thank you for the kisses and than you for the many lessons I’d have never had the opportunity to learn otherwise.

LONGING TO SAY THOSE WORDS

LONGING TO SAY THOSE WORDS

As I listen to the beautiful piano music of Jim Brickman playing on my iPod tonight, I find myself lost once again in contemplation. Tonight, I think of the words I desperately long to say, but cannot, at this time, vocalize them. The words live inside me, as though they are waiting for right moment to be born.

I long to say the words “you are forgiven” to my family. I long to let go of my resentments, my pride and my pain and move on. The ugly truth is that in my heart of hearts, I don’t want them involved in my life, but there is a guilt that likes to eat away at me. Years have gone by, scars and pain have only grown deeper, and yet the words that could bring healing bring much fear and anxiety. When will the time be right? Why did we stop speaking? What is the cause of such angst? Who remembers? There is a myriad of reasons. Some are plausible, some childish. Time heals all wounds. When will that time arrive?

I long to once again say the words “I Love You”. I want to find that man who takes my breath away (I know that stuff only exists in fairy tales, but I’ve actually experienced it before in real life. Just a picture of Wynn could take my breath away. And just as quickly as that came into my life, it was gone.) I know there will be a day when I am ready to love again. I know there will come a day when I am ready to give myself away again. First, I continue to focus on learning to love myself. I can’t give love if I don’t love myself in every way possible first. He is out there. And I thank God for the gift he is preparing for me.

I long to let go of pride and ask forgiveness for those I have alienated from my life. Sounds like a simple activity, but it’s not. Forgiveness and love are two things that go hand in hand. With the arrival of each new today, I am reminded of the people, experiences, love, fear, frustration that enabled me to be where I am today. The mistakes of yesterday cause pain and agony today.

Here’s my confession: What’s the number one obstacle to giving birth to these simple phrases? Pride, followed closely by procrastination. All I can do is pray for the strength to do what I need to do. All of this is part of my 90+ days of purpose, transformation and overall growth. Wisdom, Peace and a sense of Presence will be real in my life.

COMPANIONS ON THE JOURNEY

OMPANIONS ON THE JOURNEY

It seems that the last few weeks I’ve spent a lot of time sending direct tweets to my friend Ruth who, in many ways, is going through a journey just like me. We’re both at very similar places in our lives, and we very much have a friendship like Richard from Texas and Elizabeth Gilbert in “Eat, Pray, Love”. It’s very refreshing to have a friend you can vent to, a friend who will be honest with you and a friend with whom you can share so much despite the distance of time and space. Luckily our world is smaller with the advancement of technology.

Last week I wrote about a reinvention of myself over the remaining days of this year. It’s so difficult to stay focused. It seems something is always competing for attention. But, sometimes you reach a point where you just have to put on the breaks and say “THIS IS MY TIME” and focus on yourself. While having friends to be there to listen and give advice, there are so many things in the growth, reinvention and process of discovering, creating ourselves that must be done by ourselves on the path less traveled.

Here’s my confession I’m blessed with many companions on my journey. It’s so nice to know that I’m not alone. It’s nice to know that so many of the people in my life are dealing with the very same issues. It doesn’t matter if we are gay, straight, black, white, male, female, Catholic or Protestant. The journey to ourselves is difficult, but rewarding in the end. One day frustration and malcontent will be replaced with joy and peace.

99 DAYS

99 DAYS

There are 99 days left in the year 2010. It’s been a rocky and emotional year for me, but given the opportunity, I’m not sure that I would change anything. Each and every disappointment, every simple triumph, every situation has somehow made me better, given me insight into some element of me. With 99 days remaining in the year, I’ve decided to personally challenge myself to grow even more, to discern just a little more, to push myself a little farther.

I didn’t really observe Lent this year. Perhaps the next 99 days of my life will be a personal Lent. It will be a time of quiet reflections, a time of seeking direction, a time of betterment. I’ll use my blog as a sort of accountability tool.

The areas in my life on which I most want to focus my attention are: Personal Fitness, Personal Achievements, Professional Growth and Direction and Eliminating Mental/Emotional and Physical Clutter from my life. These areas are at least a good “Jumping Off” point for me. I may add other areas as I travel the road ahead.

Personal Fitness: Having a gym membership does absolutely no good if it is not being utilized. I will make myself work out at least three days per week. It’s been a while since I’ve been really dedicated to my fitness regiment. The time has come to pour myself into that. It’s time to give up pride, ask questions, seek help and it’s a major leap into creating not only a more physically fit me, the by-product of it, it is that it will create a better mental attitude. BRING IT.

Professional Growth: Let’s face the fact. I’m 37 years old. I’m not getting any younger, but at the same time, I still have time to create an entirely different career if I want. I have time to further myself in my current temporary position. The key element here is focus. When I was little, I had two dreams. One was to play piano or organ for church. The other was to be a teacher. I live my dream of being a church musician each and every week. I must focus on the direction I will follow.

Eliminating Mental/Emotional and Physical Clutter: Writing is my catharsis. I’m going to be blogging a lot more. I’m going to write more letters. I’m going to email or actually put a stamp on the letters I write and send them. It’s time for the things that have been eating away at my mental state out. I will express love, I will express emotion, I will express fear, frustration. I will let go of resentments. I will go forth in peace. I will surround myself with positivity.

Here’s my confession: 99 days is just a starting point. 99 days is about creating, developing and living new habits. 99 days is about being better in key areas of my life as the time comes to begin a new year. 99 days will focus on how I live my life, how I love, how I express gratitude, and how where I am today is where my thoughts have brought me. Where I will be tomorrow will be where my thoughts take me. Self-improvement is a worthy investment. So, I’m starting from this moment to create a better me.