GRATITUDE 10.07.11
I've slowly been dusting off the blog over the last few weeks. It has been a while since I paused for what I consider one of the most important parts of my blog-my weekly gratitude blog.
As I reflect over the last few months, I am grateful for all the people who have touched my life. I am, today, at a pivotal point in my life. I'm moving away from hurt and resentments, away from feelings of self-loathing and towards a better version of myself. I’m grateful for the love and support I receive, especially from Gray and from Liz, whose text messages provide a closeness I love deeply.
I'm grateful for two jobs I enjoy. I'm grateful for a congregation that allows me the joy of living my dream each week-sharing my sense of the divine through music. My dream was always to be a pianist in a church. I enjoy it so much. Although it is something I often view as a chore these days-I am grateful to be a part of the men's chorus in which I sing tenor. The friends I have made through the choir have enhanced the last three years of my life.
Although there has been heartbreak this year, I am grateful for the stepping-stones each created. I'm stronger than I was a year ago. I have a better sense of self, where I want to and the person I want to be. Each day I awaken to a clearer sense of purpose, a few inches closer to contentment and a better sense of self.
Here’s my confession: I may not have everything I wish I had, I may not be exactly where I want to be in life, but the truth of the matter is that I am grateful for life and for the things-and most importantly-the people in my life. I pray I never take a single solitary blessing for granted, because as quickly as the blessing arrived, it can vanish. May gratitude always be foremost in all I do.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
MY DOSSIER ON DATING
MY DOSSIER ON DATING
In my twenties, as I was coming out, I was way too afraid to casually hook up. So, from ages 23 to 29 I was in a relationship. It just seemed that was the thing to do-find someone, fall in love, live happily ever after-that is, of course, until, the relationship ran its course six years later and we parted ways. So, within four months, and for the next nearly five years, I found myself in another "instant relationship". The relationship was riddled with issues from the beginning. However, when you are young, you ignore things that are really important-thinking that maybe things will get better. Yet, in reality, the things that are intrinsically wrong never change. So, over the course of eleven years of my life, I spent in committed relationships because that's what good guys do-or so I thought. The ending of the last relationship-which had earlier even included the exchange of rings and vows, left me knocking on the front door of 35 and a new outlook on life. Still, I continued to trudge along, having a few short-lived relationships. I believed in love, the fairytale, respecting myself and the one I would love by being faithful and giving, fighting for love. I thought lowering myself to simply dating around was too difficult, cheapened the sanctity of a committed relationship and made me feel less about myself. Here I am three years and some change later. Contemplating.
Friends had been telling me that I should just focus on dating and not on relationships. That seemed so unlike me. So this year came along. With it came the beginning of what looked like an amazing, albeit instant relationship, with George. George and I could not be more polar opposite in our approaches to everything in life. Yet, for the first time in my life, I experienced the freedom and beauty of what I felt was perhaps my first adult relationship, and even after eleven years of committed relationships, Love like I'd never known before. The tender and passionate love I experienced turned out to be one-sided, though, I do not blame George. I think he did try to love me, and in his own way, he did, and, I imagine, still does. With George, unlike previous relationships, I felt like me. I didn't feel like I was sacrificing a part of myself to be with him. After all, THAT is exactly what I had been looking for all along-my other half,someone to compliment me, someone who made me feel like I was important-that I mattered-that being me and being in a relationship were not only a fantasy in my head, but a reality in which I found myself living.
Here's my confession: I've been thinking a lot since the heart-wrenching break-up with George. I've thought about love, dating, relationships and what does it all mean. I realize now, in my late thirties, that I am simply not ready for a serious relationship. I have never experienced the freedom of casual dating before-as friends had long ago suggested. Instead, I've focused on finding THE one, saving myself for him alone. And where, exactly, has that mindset, those actions, gotten me? Nowhere. It's left me longing to breathe in and live life, to experience-as many of my gay contemporaries have already done earlier in their lives dating just for the sake of dating. At this point-that's where I am. And, as is often the case, I arrive a little late in the game-hopefully, there is time to catch up. I need to further explore myself,and allow myself permission to be me. Maybe I'll find my forever George out there somewhere, or at least have fun searching.
In my twenties, as I was coming out, I was way too afraid to casually hook up. So, from ages 23 to 29 I was in a relationship. It just seemed that was the thing to do-find someone, fall in love, live happily ever after-that is, of course, until, the relationship ran its course six years later and we parted ways. So, within four months, and for the next nearly five years, I found myself in another "instant relationship". The relationship was riddled with issues from the beginning. However, when you are young, you ignore things that are really important-thinking that maybe things will get better. Yet, in reality, the things that are intrinsically wrong never change. So, over the course of eleven years of my life, I spent in committed relationships because that's what good guys do-or so I thought. The ending of the last relationship-which had earlier even included the exchange of rings and vows, left me knocking on the front door of 35 and a new outlook on life. Still, I continued to trudge along, having a few short-lived relationships. I believed in love, the fairytale, respecting myself and the one I would love by being faithful and giving, fighting for love. I thought lowering myself to simply dating around was too difficult, cheapened the sanctity of a committed relationship and made me feel less about myself. Here I am three years and some change later. Contemplating.
Friends had been telling me that I should just focus on dating and not on relationships. That seemed so unlike me. So this year came along. With it came the beginning of what looked like an amazing, albeit instant relationship, with George. George and I could not be more polar opposite in our approaches to everything in life. Yet, for the first time in my life, I experienced the freedom and beauty of what I felt was perhaps my first adult relationship, and even after eleven years of committed relationships, Love like I'd never known before. The tender and passionate love I experienced turned out to be one-sided, though, I do not blame George. I think he did try to love me, and in his own way, he did, and, I imagine, still does. With George, unlike previous relationships, I felt like me. I didn't feel like I was sacrificing a part of myself to be with him. After all, THAT is exactly what I had been looking for all along-my other half,someone to compliment me, someone who made me feel like I was important-that I mattered-that being me and being in a relationship were not only a fantasy in my head, but a reality in which I found myself living.
Here's my confession: I've been thinking a lot since the heart-wrenching break-up with George. I've thought about love, dating, relationships and what does it all mean. I realize now, in my late thirties, that I am simply not ready for a serious relationship. I have never experienced the freedom of casual dating before-as friends had long ago suggested. Instead, I've focused on finding THE one, saving myself for him alone. And where, exactly, has that mindset, those actions, gotten me? Nowhere. It's left me longing to breathe in and live life, to experience-as many of my gay contemporaries have already done earlier in their lives dating just for the sake of dating. At this point-that's where I am. And, as is often the case, I arrive a little late in the game-hopefully, there is time to catch up. I need to further explore myself,and allow myself permission to be me. Maybe I'll find my forever George out there somewhere, or at least have fun searching.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
CONTRADICTIONS, TRANSITIONS AND PONDERINGS
In the past I settled because I didn't feel as though there were any other options. Now, I fear settling because I am afraid I'll, well, JUST settle. Almost everyone serves up the platitudes "you're a great guy. So much to offer. You're going to make someone very happy." So, I took a strong chance on love earlier this year with George. It changed my life, my world, my everything. In July I let myself go and enjoyed it. I had casual sex-not with strangers-but people I consider friends. That's surprisingly more common in the gay world than I'd expected-sex with friends. I liked it, had my needs fulfilled while fulfilling the needs of my friends. Mutual win. Then Hampton enters my world in August. He and I have more in common than I've had with any partner I can recall. He adores me, we enjoy old country music, the same television shows, and have the same smart-ass brand of humor. What's the problem? Sexually, my mind shuts down like a power plant in a hurricane. It's like I equate the giving of myself to him as a resignation of all things sexual, like I'm intertwined to him for life with a solitary sex act. It's frustrating, to say the least.
In my mind's eye, I think, like most people, I picture that perfect relationship-where things aren't necessarily "perfect", but are just smooth sailing. I used to believe in monogamy-and maybe SOMEWHERE-deep down-I still do. What I do know is the fear of "is this as good as it gets?" is paralyzing. And, almost as paralyzing is the knowing, that SOMEWHERE out there there, is someone else.
I've been single, with a few rare exceptions, since January, 2008. That is almost 5 years. I've been single almost as long as Parker and I were together. He was my last significant relationship prior to my relationship with George-which, if I'm calling a spade a spade, was much more about sex and a lot less about love. But, the doors, the trappings of my mind and the inhibitions that were released. For nothing in all the world would I trade that experience. It was my first foray into total passion, and, in my heart of hearts, love.
I often have thought of all I wish to accomplish. Working out, learning more music, actually completing a crochet project-and how is it possible to do ANY of that in the "confines" aof a relationship? How can I BE me, and not lose ME in that relationship?
Life doesn't wait on us. I keep thinking once everything is in place...one the debts are paid off, once I have a house that I own, once I have a place and everything in its place. THEN will be the the time I'll be ready for love, when I'll be ready for...
Here's my confession: I am lost. I have it all and nothing at the same time. I just want to find that butterfly, so sick in love feeling. And where to start? Where I am now? Or do I look (or keep looking, as it were) around another corner?
In my mind's eye, I think, like most people, I picture that perfect relationship-where things aren't necessarily "perfect", but are just smooth sailing. I used to believe in monogamy-and maybe SOMEWHERE-deep down-I still do. What I do know is the fear of "is this as good as it gets?" is paralyzing. And, almost as paralyzing is the knowing, that SOMEWHERE out there there, is someone else.
I've been single, with a few rare exceptions, since January, 2008. That is almost 5 years. I've been single almost as long as Parker and I were together. He was my last significant relationship prior to my relationship with George-which, if I'm calling a spade a spade, was much more about sex and a lot less about love. But, the doors, the trappings of my mind and the inhibitions that were released. For nothing in all the world would I trade that experience. It was my first foray into total passion, and, in my heart of hearts, love.
I often have thought of all I wish to accomplish. Working out, learning more music, actually completing a crochet project-and how is it possible to do ANY of that in the "confines" aof a relationship? How can I BE me, and not lose ME in that relationship?
Life doesn't wait on us. I keep thinking once everything is in place...one the debts are paid off, once I have a house that I own, once I have a place and everything in its place. THEN will be the the time I'll be ready for love, when I'll be ready for...
Here's my confession: I am lost. I have it all and nothing at the same time. I just want to find that butterfly, so sick in love feeling. And where to start? Where I am now? Or do I look (or keep looking, as it were) around another corner?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
HAPPILY EVERAFTER
HAPPILY EVERAFTER
For as long as I can recall, I've had a picture of the way my life should play out. Life, of course, often has different ideas. That bright and beautiful picture we have can become more vibrant or perhaps become grayed and cracked with the waring of time. For me, I always pictured meeting "THE ONE", settling down, building a life and, well, you know the classic fairy tell ending...and living happily everafter.
However, as I grow older, I'm finding that so many of the friends I've held so dear for so long, also had the same vision of happily ever after, but, like me, are stopping to question is there such a thing as "THE ONE"? Is monogamy the way? Are relationships overrated? Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence or do they just use better fertilizer?
Is it all just smoke in mirrors? Is happiness just an illusion? Are we truly meant to be with one person for life? Is there possibly more than one "ONE" in our lives? I don't know. I don't know if happily ever after just exists in the movies and books. Some couples seem so very happy together, some seem miserable beyond human comprehension. Surely, there is a balance, a happy medium, of sorts?
Here's my confession: After nearly four years of being single, with the exception of a few relationships measures simply in months, I'm finding it difficult to live in the present moment. I am I trying to be content and allow love to blossom. The truth is, I'm lost and confused, and truly WANT to believe in happily ever after.
For as long as I can recall, I've had a picture of the way my life should play out. Life, of course, often has different ideas. That bright and beautiful picture we have can become more vibrant or perhaps become grayed and cracked with the waring of time. For me, I always pictured meeting "THE ONE", settling down, building a life and, well, you know the classic fairy tell ending...and living happily everafter.
However, as I grow older, I'm finding that so many of the friends I've held so dear for so long, also had the same vision of happily ever after, but, like me, are stopping to question is there such a thing as "THE ONE"? Is monogamy the way? Are relationships overrated? Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence or do they just use better fertilizer?
Is it all just smoke in mirrors? Is happiness just an illusion? Are we truly meant to be with one person for life? Is there possibly more than one "ONE" in our lives? I don't know. I don't know if happily ever after just exists in the movies and books. Some couples seem so very happy together, some seem miserable beyond human comprehension. Surely, there is a balance, a happy medium, of sorts?
Here's my confession: After nearly four years of being single, with the exception of a few relationships measures simply in months, I'm finding it difficult to live in the present moment. I am I trying to be content and allow love to blossom. The truth is, I'm lost and confused, and truly WANT to believe in happily ever after.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
ASKING HIM TO CHANGE HIS WAYS
Hello Self,
It is time we have a little talk. The first eight months of this year have been an adventure, to say the least. There has been love, heartbreak, joy, and sorrow. There have been moments of laughter and a fair amount of tears. It is time to get back on track, or may e get on track for the first time.
It is time to identify areas of life that need improvement. Three areas I am identifying as being in most need of work are: my body, my spirit and my time. Before I am able to move forward, I have to focus on learning to love my body, myself, being in tune with my spirit and the spirit of the higher power. Furthermore, I must be a better steward of my time. This means that I must focus on getting enough rest, being more punctual, and to devote deliberate time to the music, reading and other artistic endeavors.
I must make myself become disciplined in regards to a workout routine, ridding my body of unhealthy foods and habits. Starting off slowly and steadily, but deliberately and with focus. Taking care of the "temple", as it were, is a top priority, and has a spiraling effect on the other areas of my life lacking focus. I have to focus on making sure That my body is well-rested. Taking care of the temple spills over into my relationships with other people, my overall happiness and well-being and with how I see myself.
Spiritually, I will focus on the disciplines of meditation and centering prayer. I must learn to be content and at peace with the blessings I already have, and learn to not focus on what I do not have. When speaking in terms of taking control of my spiritual life-I am not necessarily focusing on a particular creed or doctrine, but rather my spirituality as a whole. I find much comfort in all the ancient teachings of the Buddha, The Christ and other spiritual teachers. Meditation, Yoga, Prayer and writing letters to God will be partners on my spiritual journey.
Time Management is essential to each and every thing I write about here. I need to devote more time to developing my skills as a musician, my writing of this blog and developing interests such as crochet, reading (something I do not enjoy, but feel a need to develop) and making my life as organized as possible without being overwhelmed.
Here's my confession: I am tired of not being happy with the man in the mirror. I'm tired of just floating through life. Now is the time to make those changes. Now is the time to let peace transform my life, to discover what matters. It is time to focus on reconciliation-first with myself, then with other from which there is a sense of estrangement, a lack of closure, any sense of "unfinished business". I'm starting with the man in the mirror, and I'm asking him to change his ways...
It is time we have a little talk. The first eight months of this year have been an adventure, to say the least. There has been love, heartbreak, joy, and sorrow. There have been moments of laughter and a fair amount of tears. It is time to get back on track, or may e get on track for the first time.
It is time to identify areas of life that need improvement. Three areas I am identifying as being in most need of work are: my body, my spirit and my time. Before I am able to move forward, I have to focus on learning to love my body, myself, being in tune with my spirit and the spirit of the higher power. Furthermore, I must be a better steward of my time. This means that I must focus on getting enough rest, being more punctual, and to devote deliberate time to the music, reading and other artistic endeavors.
I must make myself become disciplined in regards to a workout routine, ridding my body of unhealthy foods and habits. Starting off slowly and steadily, but deliberately and with focus. Taking care of the "temple", as it were, is a top priority, and has a spiraling effect on the other areas of my life lacking focus. I have to focus on making sure That my body is well-rested. Taking care of the temple spills over into my relationships with other people, my overall happiness and well-being and with how I see myself.
Spiritually, I will focus on the disciplines of meditation and centering prayer. I must learn to be content and at peace with the blessings I already have, and learn to not focus on what I do not have. When speaking in terms of taking control of my spiritual life-I am not necessarily focusing on a particular creed or doctrine, but rather my spirituality as a whole. I find much comfort in all the ancient teachings of the Buddha, The Christ and other spiritual teachers. Meditation, Yoga, Prayer and writing letters to God will be partners on my spiritual journey.
Time Management is essential to each and every thing I write about here. I need to devote more time to developing my skills as a musician, my writing of this blog and developing interests such as crochet, reading (something I do not enjoy, but feel a need to develop) and making my life as organized as possible without being overwhelmed.
Here's my confession: I am tired of not being happy with the man in the mirror. I'm tired of just floating through life. Now is the time to make those changes. Now is the time to let peace transform my life, to discover what matters. It is time to focus on reconciliation-first with myself, then with other from which there is a sense of estrangement, a lack of closure, any sense of "unfinished business". I'm starting with the man in the mirror, and I'm asking him to change his ways...
Monday, August 29, 2011
HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION?
HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION?
It seems that I am always in a contemplative mood-and perhaps lately more so than usual. I know the metaphor is corny, but I’ve been captivated by the television series “Six Feet Under” in the last few weeks, having purchased the box set of the series for myself as one of the many ways I treated myself for my birthday. As the series begins its second season, the matriarch of the Fisher family finds herself participating in a program in which she creates a new “blueprint” of her life. Her children feel she has lost her mind, as she goes about taking about changing her foundation, the blueprint, the floor plan, etc.. I have to admit the idea is a bit of a challenge to me, to take a look deeper within to understand who and what I am supposed to be.
I have a firm foundation—that being the friends and people in my life-near or far that love me. Some of you reading this blog are miles, states, and ages away, some of you are right here in the same city. Some I have seen recently, for some of you it has been a decade, maybe two or so since I’ve seen you, but for some reason, we are connected through this blog, through facebook or some other social media platform, and for that I am grateful.
My foundation provides support for those day-to-day struggles and celebrates the joys and successes. Yet, I question if the rest of the structure is as sturdy as the foundation. I find many cracks as I go throughout the phases of daily life. There are things over the last four years of growth that I’ve come to love about myself and still other about myself that must be addressed.
Here’s my confession: If you are looking at the house which is “metaphorically” me, just judging from the exterior, you might think, oh, everything is perfectly there and how could I even fathom changing a single thing.
The truth is, inside, I have a lot of changes ahead-I have to figure out a career path, work with reconciling with family and friends. I have to get ready to figure out my career path. I know that I have to fight the good fight, be willing to participate-beyond anything, in repairing the cracks in my own foundation. I’m ready to be the man I am destined to be.
It seems that I am always in a contemplative mood-and perhaps lately more so than usual. I know the metaphor is corny, but I’ve been captivated by the television series “Six Feet Under” in the last few weeks, having purchased the box set of the series for myself as one of the many ways I treated myself for my birthday. As the series begins its second season, the matriarch of the Fisher family finds herself participating in a program in which she creates a new “blueprint” of her life. Her children feel she has lost her mind, as she goes about taking about changing her foundation, the blueprint, the floor plan, etc.. I have to admit the idea is a bit of a challenge to me, to take a look deeper within to understand who and what I am supposed to be.
I have a firm foundation—that being the friends and people in my life-near or far that love me. Some of you reading this blog are miles, states, and ages away, some of you are right here in the same city. Some I have seen recently, for some of you it has been a decade, maybe two or so since I’ve seen you, but for some reason, we are connected through this blog, through facebook or some other social media platform, and for that I am grateful.
My foundation provides support for those day-to-day struggles and celebrates the joys and successes. Yet, I question if the rest of the structure is as sturdy as the foundation. I find many cracks as I go throughout the phases of daily life. There are things over the last four years of growth that I’ve come to love about myself and still other about myself that must be addressed.
Here’s my confession: If you are looking at the house which is “metaphorically” me, just judging from the exterior, you might think, oh, everything is perfectly there and how could I even fathom changing a single thing.
The truth is, inside, I have a lot of changes ahead-I have to figure out a career path, work with reconciling with family and friends. I have to get ready to figure out my career path. I know that I have to fight the good fight, be willing to participate-beyond anything, in repairing the cracks in my own foundation. I’m ready to be the man I am destined to be.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
EVERYTHING CHANGES
It has been a while since I sat down to write a blog-although a million thoughts have been rolling around inside my head begging to be expressed. The entire year of 2011 has seen one very constant thing in my life: CHANGE
This year I met, and fell in love with George. This was the most incredible experience in my life-an experience where I learned so much about myself, my body, live and life. The ending of that relationship was about as painful as anything I've ever experienced. The only thing I can imagine more painful was the death of my grandmother, and yet, in ways, losing George was far more painful. I would not change a single second of the time I spent with George-because I know that is exactly where I was supposed to be--at that point in my life. I experienced a little bit of heaven here on earth. I experienced love. I experienced joy, and in the end, I experienced the most tremendous pain and sense of loss. Through it all, I grew, and for that, I believe it was worth every single moment of pain.
Now, I find myself at the beginning of a new relationship with Hampton. I enter this relationship with a great deal of caution, a great deal of holding back and with much protection for my heart. I'm taking this one single, solitary day at a time. What I know is that we have a tremendous amount of commonalities, and a hope and desire for a future together.
In the last few months I've been in touch with my father more-of all ways-through text messages. It's a simple step, but may be the catalyst for change along the path to reconciliation. It's difficult to imagine opening the doors to my life-even just a little bit-to the ones who gave me life. I have a letter written, yet I need to edit it and box it up along with a couple of things I need to send along.
I also find myself lost in contemplation about my career-lost in a seemingly endless sea of possibility, yet, dwelling in the reality of my own limitations- and looking at the opportunities that abound. It’s a very stressful crossroads at which I stand. Being an educator is nagging at me, pulling me and calling out to me. Do I follow? Do I cower? Do I follow in the path of least resistance.
Here’s my confession: Change is inevitable. Change is rarely easy-in many cases it is damn near impossible. I’m fortunate to have the an incredible support group of close friends to lean on and to learn from in each transition of life. Taking a leap into the unknown is a frightening experience, but, then again, remaining stagnant and not taking the effort to move past all the hurt and pain to see the hope of a brighter tomorrow robs us of the beauty of life, and the the richness it has to offer.
This year I met, and fell in love with George. This was the most incredible experience in my life-an experience where I learned so much about myself, my body, live and life. The ending of that relationship was about as painful as anything I've ever experienced. The only thing I can imagine more painful was the death of my grandmother, and yet, in ways, losing George was far more painful. I would not change a single second of the time I spent with George-because I know that is exactly where I was supposed to be--at that point in my life. I experienced a little bit of heaven here on earth. I experienced love. I experienced joy, and in the end, I experienced the most tremendous pain and sense of loss. Through it all, I grew, and for that, I believe it was worth every single moment of pain.
Now, I find myself at the beginning of a new relationship with Hampton. I enter this relationship with a great deal of caution, a great deal of holding back and with much protection for my heart. I'm taking this one single, solitary day at a time. What I know is that we have a tremendous amount of commonalities, and a hope and desire for a future together.
In the last few months I've been in touch with my father more-of all ways-through text messages. It's a simple step, but may be the catalyst for change along the path to reconciliation. It's difficult to imagine opening the doors to my life-even just a little bit-to the ones who gave me life. I have a letter written, yet I need to edit it and box it up along with a couple of things I need to send along.
I also find myself lost in contemplation about my career-lost in a seemingly endless sea of possibility, yet, dwelling in the reality of my own limitations- and looking at the opportunities that abound. It’s a very stressful crossroads at which I stand. Being an educator is nagging at me, pulling me and calling out to me. Do I follow? Do I cower? Do I follow in the path of least resistance.
Here’s my confession: Change is inevitable. Change is rarely easy-in many cases it is damn near impossible. I’m fortunate to have the an incredible support group of close friends to lean on and to learn from in each transition of life. Taking a leap into the unknown is a frightening experience, but, then again, remaining stagnant and not taking the effort to move past all the hurt and pain to see the hope of a brighter tomorrow robs us of the beauty of life, and the the richness it has to offer.
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