I had intended to write a blog about last weekend earlier in the week, but didn't get around to it, so I've decided to include it in this week's gratitude reflection.
I spent a great deal of time last weekend with Fritz. He and I have become such close friends lately. He's been a true friend, sounding board and voice of reason. While his family was out of town last weekend, we had dinner together for three nights, watched a couple of movies and played a partial game of Trivial Persuit '90s edition. Last Friday night he chose The Cheesecake Factory for dinner and challenged me to have an adult beverage and to try the cheesecake...both of which were way out of my comfort zone. So, he ordered for me a Sour Apple Martini. And, well, I enjoyed it! When dinner was finished, it was time to choose a cheesecake. So, I chose the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough cheesecake. Again, I enjoyed it. I was shocked and amazed at what I had just done, and, I must admit, I am grateful to Fritz for pushing me out of my norm.
I spent most of the day Saturday by myself, shopping, running errands, etc, before joining Fritz for dinner. It didn't even occur to me until late in the afternoon that I had been alone the vast majority of the day, and I couldn't have been happier. It was a realization that I am comfortable with myself, and certainly gave me a moment of gratitude.
The icing on the cake came on Sunday evening as I met Blake in person for the first time. I am grateful for the opportunities that lie ahead and the hope of something more coming from this, but I realize that we must be careful and take things one day at a time.
I am really grateful for the events of my last week. I really feel like I've had my own best week ever. I'm grateful for the friends who expressed their love and concern for me, I'm grateful for the future, and the promises which lie ahead.
Here's my confession: I feel like the line from the old Carpenter's song-"I'm on top of the world looking down on creation." I am so grateful for the extreme sense of peace in my life right now, for friends who are concerned enough about me to make sure I stay grounded. I'm grateful for the person I am today, for who I am today is worlds different from who I was a year or even six months ago. I'm grateful for a future that looks brighter than ever.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
LOVE DOESN’T COME WITH AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL
There is probably no more confusing “game” than the game of love. Let’s face it; love doesn’t come with an instruction manual. There are no set-in-stone rules. That only complicates matters. How do you know you are in love? When does the person you are “seeing” become your “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”? At what point does going out together turn into dating? When does “Like” become “Love”?
Love is an amazing emotion. It can get you in trouble and it can bring you bliss. But, where is the line? How do you know when to make that leap to love? It can take a lifetime to know get to know another person. I believe that the greatest relationships start with a solid friendship, because when the chips are down in the relationship, and inevitably they will be down at some point, if you don’t have the friendship to fall back on, you have nothing.
It’s easy to get caught up in the endorphin highs that a new relationship can bring. It’s easy to lose sight of reality. It is both exciting and frustrating to find a balance and to know in our heart of hearts exactly what direction to go. Eventually, the emotions will settle.
Here’s my confession: I’ve recently met a guy, Blake, and we really like one another. We have similar commonalities and agree that we should take things slowly, although that is at times easier said than done. Are we dating? Are we just seeing one another? I don’t know. I guess the decision of what to call things is ours, and should be made in our time. We should guard our hearts and take things slow. After all, if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. We should enjoy one another’s company and enjoy getting to know one another. If anyone out there finds the instruction manual for love, please send me a copy!
Love is an amazing emotion. It can get you in trouble and it can bring you bliss. But, where is the line? How do you know when to make that leap to love? It can take a lifetime to know get to know another person. I believe that the greatest relationships start with a solid friendship, because when the chips are down in the relationship, and inevitably they will be down at some point, if you don’t have the friendship to fall back on, you have nothing.
It’s easy to get caught up in the endorphin highs that a new relationship can bring. It’s easy to lose sight of reality. It is both exciting and frustrating to find a balance and to know in our heart of hearts exactly what direction to go. Eventually, the emotions will settle.
Here’s my confession: I’ve recently met a guy, Blake, and we really like one another. We have similar commonalities and agree that we should take things slowly, although that is at times easier said than done. Are we dating? Are we just seeing one another? I don’t know. I guess the decision of what to call things is ours, and should be made in our time. We should guard our hearts and take things slow. After all, if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. We should enjoy one another’s company and enjoy getting to know one another. If anyone out there finds the instruction manual for love, please send me a copy!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
MY WEEKLY GRATITUDE
This seemed to be an extremely long week, but was nonetheless another week for which I am grateful.
I am so grateful for the clarity I am finding in my life. I see my world through a much more focused and positive light. I'm grateful for my new-found sense of independence, and the insight of those around me who keep propelling me forward.
I'm grateful, as I wrote in my blog yesterday, for the life and memories of my grandmother, who died eight years ago yesterday. She had such a profound effect on my life and I still miss her deeply. There is no doubt that I would not be where I am and who I am today without her influence in my life.
I am grateful for the counseling session I had earlier this week, for the wisdom my counselor provides, for the progress I've made. Sometimes it is hard for me to see the progress I've made until I step back and am able to be truly introspective. When I do, I am truly amazed at how far I have come. I'm truly proud of the person I'm becoming. I've always struggled with my self-esteem, and I'm experiencing a freedom I've never known before and have a healthier self-image than ever before.
Most of you reading this are aware that my relationship with my family is strained. While it had been over two years since I've seen my parents have not spoken to my mother and have only infrequently heard from my father during that time, despite my cards and letters to them, I am grateful for my parents. I've had to come to terms as an adult that they did the best they knew to do in raising me. I'm grateful for that, because, honestly, so many people weren't nearly as blessed or fortunate as I was. Perhaps one day reconciliation will occur. There will be no way of replacing the time we've lost, but as long as we are living, there is hope for resolution.
While I have no relationship with my "family of origin", I am grateful for the extended family I have of friends, who play such an important role in my life. I have so many surrogate moms, dads, brothers and sisters that I am truly grateful to be blessed to gave so many special people on whom I can lean upon and depend, regardless of the situation.
Here's my confession; I am so very grateful for the lessons I've learned in the last few weeks and for the direction my life is heading. It would be easy to wallow on self-pity, but instead, I'm grateful for the force that keeps me going. The dawning of each new day is an opportunity to grow, to live, to become the individual I am supposed to be.
Sometimes it is a struggle to write my gratitude blog, sometimes it is perhaps a little trite, but I write because it is important to me that I express my gratitude so that I am aware of just how richly blessed I am. The truth of the matter is that I have such abundant blessings, and there are many I see whose lot in life is not so rich, and in the simple blink of an eye, I could be right where they are. Keeping that in mind and keeping that focus help me maintain a spirit of gratitude in my daily comings and goings.
The simple truth I've learned this week is that God has blessed me with so many wonderful experiences. And, while going through those experiences, it isn't always easy to understand the meaning or purpose of them, but there is almost always a greater good that comes from them. That, in turn, makes me all the more grateful.
I am so grateful for the clarity I am finding in my life. I see my world through a much more focused and positive light. I'm grateful for my new-found sense of independence, and the insight of those around me who keep propelling me forward.
I'm grateful, as I wrote in my blog yesterday, for the life and memories of my grandmother, who died eight years ago yesterday. She had such a profound effect on my life and I still miss her deeply. There is no doubt that I would not be where I am and who I am today without her influence in my life.
I am grateful for the counseling session I had earlier this week, for the wisdom my counselor provides, for the progress I've made. Sometimes it is hard for me to see the progress I've made until I step back and am able to be truly introspective. When I do, I am truly amazed at how far I have come. I'm truly proud of the person I'm becoming. I've always struggled with my self-esteem, and I'm experiencing a freedom I've never known before and have a healthier self-image than ever before.
Most of you reading this are aware that my relationship with my family is strained. While it had been over two years since I've seen my parents have not spoken to my mother and have only infrequently heard from my father during that time, despite my cards and letters to them, I am grateful for my parents. I've had to come to terms as an adult that they did the best they knew to do in raising me. I'm grateful for that, because, honestly, so many people weren't nearly as blessed or fortunate as I was. Perhaps one day reconciliation will occur. There will be no way of replacing the time we've lost, but as long as we are living, there is hope for resolution.
While I have no relationship with my "family of origin", I am grateful for the extended family I have of friends, who play such an important role in my life. I have so many surrogate moms, dads, brothers and sisters that I am truly grateful to be blessed to gave so many special people on whom I can lean upon and depend, regardless of the situation.
Here's my confession; I am so very grateful for the lessons I've learned in the last few weeks and for the direction my life is heading. It would be easy to wallow on self-pity, but instead, I'm grateful for the force that keeps me going. The dawning of each new day is an opportunity to grow, to live, to become the individual I am supposed to be.
Sometimes it is a struggle to write my gratitude blog, sometimes it is perhaps a little trite, but I write because it is important to me that I express my gratitude so that I am aware of just how richly blessed I am. The truth of the matter is that I have such abundant blessings, and there are many I see whose lot in life is not so rich, and in the simple blink of an eye, I could be right where they are. Keeping that in mind and keeping that focus help me maintain a spirit of gratitude in my daily comings and goings.
The simple truth I've learned this week is that God has blessed me with so many wonderful experiences. And, while going through those experiences, it isn't always easy to understand the meaning or purpose of them, but there is almost always a greater good that comes from them. That, in turn, makes me all the more grateful.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
DEAR GRANDMA
Dear Grandma,
It seems a little strange after all this time to be writing you a letter. After all, you left this earthly realm eight years ago today. Your death came suddenly and unexpectedly to us, though we knew your time with us was coming to an end as you had battled the cancer that had ravaged your body. And, so it was, late on that Monday evening, you answered your call to enter eternity. And, just that quickly, you were gone.
I received the news a couple of hours later, as I was preparing to attend a special choir rehearsal to prepare for Easter. My director took me into the church office and told me to call my parents. My dad answered and gave me the news. You were gone. And, at that moment, I knew my life would be forever changed.
All of a sudden, the woman I had admired my entire life was gone. I'd never again receive a letter from you. Never again would we be able to speak, to continue reconciling our differences after my coming out that had so divided us. Shortly before you died, you asked my forgiveness for the harsh words and attitudes we had shared in the recent years. I forgave you.
As we gathered for your funeral, I was sad. I was sad because you were gone, sad that your wishes for a church funeral were not being carried out despite my protest, sad because you looked so beautiful and at rest there in your casket. I was touched by the outpouring of love we received as so many people came to share our loss with us at your visitation, a sure testimony to the number of lives you touched in your time on earth.
Even now, I find there are times I wish you were here. There are so many things I wish I could share with you. I'd love for you to see the baby grand piano I bought last year. I wish you could see the person I've become, because so very much of the person I am today is directly related to the person you helped me to become. If asked to identify the person who had had the most profound impact in my life, without question, my answer will always be you. For without you, I wouldn't have been able to pursue music. From you I learned the art of writing letters and so many intangible lessons about life. You gave me the foundation of a faith that has changed over the years, but a faith I may have never known without your example.
I miss your fried apple pies, your coconut cakes and your banana pudding. But most of all, I miss you. I miss the love and friendship we shared. I am comforted knowing that you are out there somewhere, and I'm sure you are able to see all I do. You're still here with me, if only in my heart.
So many things have changed since you've been gone. My relationship with our family is strained. I'm sorry, because I know that would make you sad to see if you were here. Somehow, I wish you were here to make it all better, to facilitate reconciliation. But, I am confident that where you are now is such a place of peace that you would not want to return to us. Nonetheless, I miss you so very deeply.
Love,
Keller
Here's my confession: Hardly a day or week go by in which I don't in some way think of my grandmother and the wonderful memories and impact she left on my life. How I truly wish she were still here so that I could tell her the things going on in my life. I believe we would have grown closer. My coming out put a real strain on our relationship, but she finally accepted me as well as she could shortly before she died. In my eyes, she was the personification of grace, beauty and poise. And, on this day, eight years after she went to her eternal rest, I pause a moment to think of the legacy she left me, to be grateful for the honor of having known her, loving her and receiving so much love from her. I hope she is resting in peace.
It seems a little strange after all this time to be writing you a letter. After all, you left this earthly realm eight years ago today. Your death came suddenly and unexpectedly to us, though we knew your time with us was coming to an end as you had battled the cancer that had ravaged your body. And, so it was, late on that Monday evening, you answered your call to enter eternity. And, just that quickly, you were gone.
I received the news a couple of hours later, as I was preparing to attend a special choir rehearsal to prepare for Easter. My director took me into the church office and told me to call my parents. My dad answered and gave me the news. You were gone. And, at that moment, I knew my life would be forever changed.
All of a sudden, the woman I had admired my entire life was gone. I'd never again receive a letter from you. Never again would we be able to speak, to continue reconciling our differences after my coming out that had so divided us. Shortly before you died, you asked my forgiveness for the harsh words and attitudes we had shared in the recent years. I forgave you.
As we gathered for your funeral, I was sad. I was sad because you were gone, sad that your wishes for a church funeral were not being carried out despite my protest, sad because you looked so beautiful and at rest there in your casket. I was touched by the outpouring of love we received as so many people came to share our loss with us at your visitation, a sure testimony to the number of lives you touched in your time on earth.
Even now, I find there are times I wish you were here. There are so many things I wish I could share with you. I'd love for you to see the baby grand piano I bought last year. I wish you could see the person I've become, because so very much of the person I am today is directly related to the person you helped me to become. If asked to identify the person who had had the most profound impact in my life, without question, my answer will always be you. For without you, I wouldn't have been able to pursue music. From you I learned the art of writing letters and so many intangible lessons about life. You gave me the foundation of a faith that has changed over the years, but a faith I may have never known without your example.
I miss your fried apple pies, your coconut cakes and your banana pudding. But most of all, I miss you. I miss the love and friendship we shared. I am comforted knowing that you are out there somewhere, and I'm sure you are able to see all I do. You're still here with me, if only in my heart.
So many things have changed since you've been gone. My relationship with our family is strained. I'm sorry, because I know that would make you sad to see if you were here. Somehow, I wish you were here to make it all better, to facilitate reconciliation. But, I am confident that where you are now is such a place of peace that you would not want to return to us. Nonetheless, I miss you so very deeply.
Love,
Keller
Here's my confession: Hardly a day or week go by in which I don't in some way think of my grandmother and the wonderful memories and impact she left on my life. How I truly wish she were still here so that I could tell her the things going on in my life. I believe we would have grown closer. My coming out put a real strain on our relationship, but she finally accepted me as well as she could shortly before she died. In my eyes, she was the personification of grace, beauty and poise. And, on this day, eight years after she went to her eternal rest, I pause a moment to think of the legacy she left me, to be grateful for the honor of having known her, loving her and receiving so much love from her. I hope she is resting in peace.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
THE ORGANIST'S NEW CLOTHES
I had to go shopping last weekend for some new pants. While it was an expense I was hoping to put off until mid-summer, I could put it off no longer. The simple fact was that my pants no longer fit. They were way too loose. With the emotional roller coaster I've been riding on for the last couple of months, I've lost somewhere in the neighborhood of twelve pounds! And, sadly, I have to admit it has nothing to do with the $11.08 that is deducted from my paycheck each week for my membership to the YMCA. I haven't darkened the door of that fine facility in well over a month. Oh, I've had very good and well-meaning intentions to go back, but I always manage to find a way to talk myself out of getting back in the routine. It's the same song, different verse. So, now I have four or fine new pairs of pants, a couple of new shirts, a new tie and a few new socks. I'm ready to face the world again, hopefully in style!
Here's my confession: There's just something about getting new clothes that truly boots my confidence, makes me feel attractive and stand just a little bit taller and prouder than I usually do. The only thing that could make it better would be if I actually got off my lazy butt and started working out again like I keep promising myself I'm going to do. There are a thousand excuses why I don't, and though most of them may be valid, not a single one is good enough to keep me from going back to the Y. I have to quit babbling about this and just do it. Just go. That's the hard part-once I actually get there, I feel better about myself, my life and everything in general.
But, until I am able to motivate myself to do the things I need to do for my mental and physical health, (which shouldn't be long from now) you can find me on Sunday morning. I'm the one sitting at the organ wearing my new pants!
Here's my confession: There's just something about getting new clothes that truly boots my confidence, makes me feel attractive and stand just a little bit taller and prouder than I usually do. The only thing that could make it better would be if I actually got off my lazy butt and started working out again like I keep promising myself I'm going to do. There are a thousand excuses why I don't, and though most of them may be valid, not a single one is good enough to keep me from going back to the Y. I have to quit babbling about this and just do it. Just go. That's the hard part-once I actually get there, I feel better about myself, my life and everything in general.
But, until I am able to motivate myself to do the things I need to do for my mental and physical health, (which shouldn't be long from now) you can find me on Sunday morning. I'm the one sitting at the organ wearing my new pants!
Friday, April 11, 2008
WEEKLY GRATITUDE THOUGHTS
I look back over the last week with a sincere sense of gratitude. I'm most grateful for friends who are in my life and have lifted me up these last few months just by the simplicity of their being there. A little over a month ago, when I was really coming to grips with the loss of my relationship with Parker, my friends were the ones telling me that a month or so down the road, I'd look back with amazement at the progress I've made. It was hard to see at the time, but I've come a long way in that time. There are still rough patches here and there and the hardest part of the transition, I'm sure, is yet to come, but all in all, I am becoming a stronger person each and every day.
I am grateful for the future. It's a scary, yet exciting place for me. There is much growth, peace and happiness waiting there for me. Every difficult situation I go through prepares me for the future. It's all part of life. The future is a clean slate, just waiting to be written.
I am so grateful for the things that all too easily slip our minds. It is so easy to overlook our good health, clothing, shelter, financial resources and so much more while things are going well. I think that is why it is even more important to be aware and express our gratitude in the good times.
I'm so grateful for the musical talents with which I have been blessed. I'm absolutely living my dream right now as a church musician. I'm far from perfect, but my skills are improving. I prayed for this opportunity for so long and when the time was right, it just fell right in my lap.
Here's my confession: I am so grateful for the place I am in my life. I'm heading in the right direction. Things aren't perfect, but they are getting better. There's still some fine tuning to be done, but I am on the right road.
My weeks don't always turn out perfect, but that's ok. I'm growing so much as a person right now. I'm becoming my own self and feeling comfortable being independent. There is a freedom in this growth I never thought I'd experience. I have to admit that, although these last few months have been somewhat difficult, I'm grateful for the experience, for each moment of grief, each moment of pain has served as a refiner's fire for my whole self. The moments have allowed me to step out of myself and see the blessings amidst the rubble. And, that, my friend, is where my gratitude truly finds its voice and where I am born anew.
I am grateful for the future. It's a scary, yet exciting place for me. There is much growth, peace and happiness waiting there for me. Every difficult situation I go through prepares me for the future. It's all part of life. The future is a clean slate, just waiting to be written.
I am so grateful for the things that all too easily slip our minds. It is so easy to overlook our good health, clothing, shelter, financial resources and so much more while things are going well. I think that is why it is even more important to be aware and express our gratitude in the good times.
I'm so grateful for the musical talents with which I have been blessed. I'm absolutely living my dream right now as a church musician. I'm far from perfect, but my skills are improving. I prayed for this opportunity for so long and when the time was right, it just fell right in my lap.
Here's my confession: I am so grateful for the place I am in my life. I'm heading in the right direction. Things aren't perfect, but they are getting better. There's still some fine tuning to be done, but I am on the right road.
My weeks don't always turn out perfect, but that's ok. I'm growing so much as a person right now. I'm becoming my own self and feeling comfortable being independent. There is a freedom in this growth I never thought I'd experience. I have to admit that, although these last few months have been somewhat difficult, I'm grateful for the experience, for each moment of grief, each moment of pain has served as a refiner's fire for my whole self. The moments have allowed me to step out of myself and see the blessings amidst the rubble. And, that, my friend, is where my gratitude truly finds its voice and where I am born anew.
Monday, April 7, 2008
DEAR MR. RIGHT
Dear Mr. Right,
I've waited for you for a very long time, and, as I write this, I'm still waiting. I'm not sure if we've met or not, but I want you to know that I'm praying for you nonetheless. In fact, I'm praying for both of us—that we will meet when the time is right for us, and that we will have the wisdom to recognize when time is right for us to grow together and that we will be so very happy together.
I'm certain we'll bring our own unique histories and experiences to this relationship. I hope we can build on those experiences to create a life for ourselves. We must first build a solid friendship to lay the groundwork for our success, and allow things to take a natural course as we grow together.
We must remind ourselves that love and romance are different things. Romance is that special connection we will share with one another physically. Love is what we will experience at 8:00 on Monday morning when we're running late for work, when we forget to pay a bill, when the car breaks down, or when a loved one passes away. Love is the element that will sustain us as a couple, romance, hopefully, will solidify it.
Relationships are far from easy. We must be committed to work every day to maintain and nurture the relationship. We must be able to communicate with one another, not be afraid to admit when we are wrong, and to never go to bed angry. When we make mistakes, we must be willing to learn from them for the good of the couple.
I promise to be true to you, and to love you with my whole heart. Hard times will inevitably come our way. It is how we react to those hard times that will define us as a couple and will, to a great extent, determine our future.
When we reach the point of committing to one another exclusively, we must do so with our whole hearts and with absolute certainty in our hearts. To me, love is sacred. It is a gift I do not take lightly, and something I honor with my whole being.
Here's my confession: I'm anxious to welcome you into my heart, my life, my being. Yet, at the same time, I am cautious. I'm cautious to not rush things. I want to be able to offer my whole self to you. I want ours to be a different kind of love, one that people look at and know we were meant for one another. The chorus of one of my favorite songs says "I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone, and fill it up with you, make all your joy and pain my own, no matter how deep a valley you go through. I will go there with you. And I will give myself to love the way love gave itself for me, and climb with you to mountaintops or swim a raging sea, to the place where one heart is made from two. I will go there with you."
That, in a nutshell, is exactly how I picture true and enduring love. I want to believe with every sinew of my being that it exists. I believe it does. The choice is up to us.
Until the time comes, I'll be in the future waiting to meet you, Mr. Right.
I've waited for you for a very long time, and, as I write this, I'm still waiting. I'm not sure if we've met or not, but I want you to know that I'm praying for you nonetheless. In fact, I'm praying for both of us—that we will meet when the time is right for us, and that we will have the wisdom to recognize when time is right for us to grow together and that we will be so very happy together.
I'm certain we'll bring our own unique histories and experiences to this relationship. I hope we can build on those experiences to create a life for ourselves. We must first build a solid friendship to lay the groundwork for our success, and allow things to take a natural course as we grow together.
We must remind ourselves that love and romance are different things. Romance is that special connection we will share with one another physically. Love is what we will experience at 8:00 on Monday morning when we're running late for work, when we forget to pay a bill, when the car breaks down, or when a loved one passes away. Love is the element that will sustain us as a couple, romance, hopefully, will solidify it.
Relationships are far from easy. We must be committed to work every day to maintain and nurture the relationship. We must be able to communicate with one another, not be afraid to admit when we are wrong, and to never go to bed angry. When we make mistakes, we must be willing to learn from them for the good of the couple.
I promise to be true to you, and to love you with my whole heart. Hard times will inevitably come our way. It is how we react to those hard times that will define us as a couple and will, to a great extent, determine our future.
When we reach the point of committing to one another exclusively, we must do so with our whole hearts and with absolute certainty in our hearts. To me, love is sacred. It is a gift I do not take lightly, and something I honor with my whole being.
Here's my confession: I'm anxious to welcome you into my heart, my life, my being. Yet, at the same time, I am cautious. I'm cautious to not rush things. I want to be able to offer my whole self to you. I want ours to be a different kind of love, one that people look at and know we were meant for one another. The chorus of one of my favorite songs says "I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone, and fill it up with you, make all your joy and pain my own, no matter how deep a valley you go through. I will go there with you. And I will give myself to love the way love gave itself for me, and climb with you to mountaintops or swim a raging sea, to the place where one heart is made from two. I will go there with you."
That, in a nutshell, is exactly how I picture true and enduring love. I want to believe with every sinew of my being that it exists. I believe it does. The choice is up to us.
Until the time comes, I'll be in the future waiting to meet you, Mr. Right.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
THIS WEEK'S GRATITUDE
This has been another week of emotional peaks and valleys for me, but each peak and valley has a lesson for me to learn. It’s not been easy to stop and look for the lessons, but I know that it is essential to my future.
As I look back over the week, I’m again grateful for the friends who have encouraged me, motivated me and even kicked me in the butt a little bit. That’s the beauty of friendship, one of the most beautiful blessings this life has to offer. Friends can honestly share their thoughts without fear of hurting one another. I’m grateful.
I’m grateful for the blessing of counseling. I’ve gained such tremendous insight from the experience and have grown so much as a result. It is still a work in progress. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall, but then I realize that it’s just part of progress. As one friend recently put it, even though I don’t realize it, I am at a perfect position in my life right now. It’s true, it doesn’t feel like it, but, I’m grateful for the truth that I’m growing and am headed in exactly the right direction.
I’m grateful for the last decade I’ve spent here in my beloved Birmingham. Though I am not a native, I consider this home. All that I hold dear-friends, a job, a church family and a sense of belonging. I’m grateful for the many memories the last decade has brought to me.
Here’s my confession: Tonight, I was walking through the mall, a bit bummed that I had nothing better to do on a Friday evening, I was texting a friend on my phone contemplating and musing that this is the single life. Certainly, I felt that there must be some lesson to learn. Perhaps it’s just to be grateful for the things that I have, for my health, my friends, and so much more. Perhaps it’s to be grateful for what lies ahead. Perhaps it’s to learn to love and appreciate myself. Whatever the lesson, though maybe not grateful today, I will be. I will be grateful and will grow.
As I look back over the week, I’m again grateful for the friends who have encouraged me, motivated me and even kicked me in the butt a little bit. That’s the beauty of friendship, one of the most beautiful blessings this life has to offer. Friends can honestly share their thoughts without fear of hurting one another. I’m grateful.
I’m grateful for the blessing of counseling. I’ve gained such tremendous insight from the experience and have grown so much as a result. It is still a work in progress. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall, but then I realize that it’s just part of progress. As one friend recently put it, even though I don’t realize it, I am at a perfect position in my life right now. It’s true, it doesn’t feel like it, but, I’m grateful for the truth that I’m growing and am headed in exactly the right direction.
I’m grateful for the last decade I’ve spent here in my beloved Birmingham. Though I am not a native, I consider this home. All that I hold dear-friends, a job, a church family and a sense of belonging. I’m grateful for the many memories the last decade has brought to me.
Here’s my confession: Tonight, I was walking through the mall, a bit bummed that I had nothing better to do on a Friday evening, I was texting a friend on my phone contemplating and musing that this is the single life. Certainly, I felt that there must be some lesson to learn. Perhaps it’s just to be grateful for the things that I have, for my health, my friends, and so much more. Perhaps it’s to be grateful for what lies ahead. Perhaps it’s to learn to love and appreciate myself. Whatever the lesson, though maybe not grateful today, I will be. I will be grateful and will grow.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
HITTING THE WALL
For so many months my momentum had been seemingly unstoppable. I was at a point of self discovery and growth like never before. Then, BOOM! Suddenly, it stopped. The relationship ended and I was thrown into a state of confusion, frustration and fear.
I have no idea where I'm heading. I'm not where I want to be professionally, personally or emotionally. There are times I want to just sit down and cry. Today is one of those days when I've been anxious, bored and on the verge of tears. I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point.
Last week Parker and I went to counseling together for the second time. At first, everything was going fine. Then, towards the end of the session, the counselor pointed out to Parker that things haven't really changed much for us-for all intents and purposes, we are still relating as a couple-running errands, dining out together, etc., basically everything a typical couple would do, minus the intimacy factor. She pointed out that as long as this continues, there will be no true closure. Parker may have moved on to a new relationship, but he still has me at home, essentially the best of both worlds. At first, I was taken aback by her words and Parker's feelings were certainly hurt. I felt a need to somehow run to his defense. However, I didn't. After talking the situation over with my closest friends, it became apparent that the counselor's words were true. Things must change. I've become more withdrawn in recent days, am seeking to build on my friendships and looking for ways to get back on track with my life's direction.
Here's my confession: I lack motivation. I’m somewhat depressed. I should be working out at the gym, but I can't seem to get that routine down. I have all but given up on mending my relationship with my parents. I've tried until the energy is gone. It is easy for me to sit here and look at things I want to change, but far more difficult to actually change.
I do take solace in the fact that mentally and emotionally, I'm far better off than I was this time a year or so ago. I have a much higher self-esteem than I did then. For the most part, though I am not completely satisfied with the man in the mirror, I'm more content with him than perhaps I've ever been. That is progress. Now, I just have to dust myself off and get my bearings as I embark on creating the next chapter of my life. It is a chapter full of hope and promise, and, I'm certain, its own share of joy and pain. The aim should not be for perfection, but for peace, contentment and joy-the gifts that others can help give me, but gifts that ultimately have to come from myself. And, I believe, it is in the journey, in the waiting, with patience, that these gifts will make themselves known.
I may have hit the wall for a period of time, but that's just a bump on the road to a much larger journey, and it's time to get back on the road…
I have no idea where I'm heading. I'm not where I want to be professionally, personally or emotionally. There are times I want to just sit down and cry. Today is one of those days when I've been anxious, bored and on the verge of tears. I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point.
Last week Parker and I went to counseling together for the second time. At first, everything was going fine. Then, towards the end of the session, the counselor pointed out to Parker that things haven't really changed much for us-for all intents and purposes, we are still relating as a couple-running errands, dining out together, etc., basically everything a typical couple would do, minus the intimacy factor. She pointed out that as long as this continues, there will be no true closure. Parker may have moved on to a new relationship, but he still has me at home, essentially the best of both worlds. At first, I was taken aback by her words and Parker's feelings were certainly hurt. I felt a need to somehow run to his defense. However, I didn't. After talking the situation over with my closest friends, it became apparent that the counselor's words were true. Things must change. I've become more withdrawn in recent days, am seeking to build on my friendships and looking for ways to get back on track with my life's direction.
Here's my confession: I lack motivation. I’m somewhat depressed. I should be working out at the gym, but I can't seem to get that routine down. I have all but given up on mending my relationship with my parents. I've tried until the energy is gone. It is easy for me to sit here and look at things I want to change, but far more difficult to actually change.
I do take solace in the fact that mentally and emotionally, I'm far better off than I was this time a year or so ago. I have a much higher self-esteem than I did then. For the most part, though I am not completely satisfied with the man in the mirror, I'm more content with him than perhaps I've ever been. That is progress. Now, I just have to dust myself off and get my bearings as I embark on creating the next chapter of my life. It is a chapter full of hope and promise, and, I'm certain, its own share of joy and pain. The aim should not be for perfection, but for peace, contentment and joy-the gifts that others can help give me, but gifts that ultimately have to come from myself. And, I believe, it is in the journey, in the waiting, with patience, that these gifts will make themselves known.
I may have hit the wall for a period of time, but that's just a bump on the road to a much larger journey, and it's time to get back on the road…
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