PRIDE

PRIDE

Pride is something that can both bring people together and be divisive. This thought came to me last night as I was contemplating things in my life. I’ve thought about how both are true in my life. Pride…there’s the pride that draws groups together, such as American Pride or even gay pride. Then there is the pride that divides friendships and friendships.

As I think about it, I have a lot of pride in my life. I am proud of who I am, I’m proud of being a gay man. I’m proud of being a part of the family that my chorus provides. I’m proud of the people of the accomplishments I’ve achieved. I take pride in the fact that I have come so far in my life, despite obstacles I’ve faced.

Yet, on the other hand, there’s the pride that has destroyed so much. It’s about this pride that I must write tonight. It’s my own pride, my own unwillingness to break down barriers, to admit fault, that has built brick walls in relationships—specifically my relationship with my parents. It’s something of which I’ve written a great deal, and it’s something about which I think on a daily basis. Yet, it is my own pride, my own fears that keep me from being the bigger man, to stop pointing the fingers of blame, to break the silence. The last time I saw my parents was March, 2006. That’s a very long time.

I suppose my pride comes from resentments that I’ve allowed myself to nurse along the way. I know that those two individuals who brought me into this world did the best job they knew to do when they were raising me. I know that the hurt that my mother provided me through actions of which she may not have even been aware were, perhaps, unintentional. Yet, in my pride, I find it hard to find forgiveness. I find it hard to let go. It’s unimaginable to me that I would ever have a close and abiding relationship with my parents. Even when I was living at home, we didn’t have a lot of interaction. I was very much a loner, and they very much nurtured that.

Here’s my confession: The truth of the matter is that my pride has hurt two individuals who gave me the greatest gift I’ve ever received. Life. I am praying that somehow, some way, that I will find the courage that I need to write my parents, with love and from the bottom of my heart. I’m praying that I can let go of petty, foolish pride and find even an ounce of love and forgiveness within myself. The other truth of the matter is that while my parents are still young—not even in their 60s yet—they aren’t going to be around forever. There will come a day when I am called to their side as they are making their exit from this world, or after they’ve already made their exit—and what will be left? Certainly, only the knowledge that I didn’t do anything to make amends in the living years. While I feel like a stranger to them, and have for the majority of my life, I imagine the emotion that will hit me as I look down at their remains in their caskets and think “Damn you, foolish PRIDE.” So, will I let Pride bring some sort of resolution to my family or will I allow that foolish pride to drive a wedge farther and deeper than it has already gone? I pray with God’s help I can decide the right thing to do.

ON BEING OUT

ON BEING OUT

Today is National Coming Out Day, and I pause just a bit to think of my life. I’ve had the incredible fortune to be able to live the majority of my adult life as an openly gay man. Coming out comes in stages. First, you have to come out to yourself, then to your friends, and then your family—at least that’s the way it was for me and for most of the people I’ve known. However, I heard the other day something that really made me think—we actually never stop coming out. There’s always the coming out to new people we meet, co-workers, etc.

I think that now, in all of history, is the greatest time to be alive. It’s great to just be able to be who I am and not really worry about what people think. I think even living in the Deep South where many people don’t realize they know gay people, attitudes are changing, and most people are accepting.

I’ve never felt the need to be in your face about my sexuality. It’s part, not the whole, of who I am. I can’t think of a time in my recent past that I’ve denied my sexuality. I think people just take it as a given. It’s live and let live.

Here’s my confession: I’m proud to be who I am. I firmly believe I am who I am and I am who my God created me to be. And, if I’m being who my God created me to be, who can argue with that? I’ve been blessed in this life with wonderful friends who surround me. I wouldn’t be alive, I’m sure, were it not for many of my friends. Coming out was not an easy process when I decided it was time to make that leap, but I can count on one hand the number of people who have turned me away simply because I am gay. I wish everyone were so fortunate. “This above all, to thine own self be true…”

GRATITUDE AND TRANSITIONS 10.08.10

GRATITUDE AND TRANSITIONS 10.08.10

As I lie here tonight, I think of the wonder and gratitude I have in my life. If I’m being completely honest, this week, and, well, actually the last few weeks have been wrought with emotions going up and down like a roller coaster. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve paused to do a gratitude blog, and that was quite on purpose. I wanted to give myself a few weeks to really reflect on the gratitude I hold in my heart.

I’ve attempted to write a couple of blogs this week, but when the words failed me, I decided they weren’t ready to be given birth yet. Tonight, I believe I will combine all the emotions, thoughts and words that have been lying dormant. Tonight, I find myself listening to my heart. Tonight, I find myself listening to my spirit, and tonight I write from a place of sincerity and honesty.

I am grateful for the people who mean the most to me, my friends. Were it not for the people who love me so much, and show me their love, not only in words, but through their actions just how loved I am, I don’t know that I would make it. I’ve said so many times I grew up lonely, in a life devoid of close friends. Today, I have a few closely-knit group of friends who are worth more than all the gold in the world, at least in my eyes. Just knowing that someone cares means a lot. Those random text messages, those daily “hey how are you” emails and of course the personal interactions do not go un-noticed.

I’ve been though MANY transitions in the last year of my life. In fact, I’ve been through more transitions than I even care to recount. Yet, through it all, I am grateful for the struggles though which I have successfully come. I’ve changed my residence, I’ve changed jobs, I’ve struggled with friendships. I’ve lost at love. Yet, through each step of the way, I was getting a little stronger. Each set back prepared me for the struggle I would face tomorrow. For that, my heart is grateful.

I’m grateful for my choral ensemble and for the stories that were shared during our introductions on Tuesday evening. Each member brings a richness and a uniqueness to the ensemble. I’m grateful for the beautiful harmonies which were produced on Sunday evening during our Gala concert. There is absolutely no walking away from that concert without a feeling of pride and honor. I’m grateful, too, for the blessings I have experienced this week as a musician. I’m grateful that my hands and my voice can be used bless other people.

Here’s my confession: I’m a work completely in progress. My gratitude extends far beyond the platitudes and triteness of simply saying “thanks”. My gratitude is strong for the simple things in life. It is so easy to take things in this life for granted when they are there on a daily basis. It is my prayer that I seek out the beauty and gratitude in each human experience, and that all the prayers within my heart will show me the way ahead. a