BLUE CHRISTMAS?

Tonight, I’ve had one of those “unsettled” feelings—where I’m kinda mad at the world, but don’t really know why. It’s like I told a friend earlier—I want to bitch about something, but I honestly have nothing to bitch about, because in the grand scheme of things, I’m blessed beyond measure. I have friends who love me, I have a place to go to work every day, if I’ve missed a meal lately, it was of my own choice, and not because I couldn’t afford a meal. So, while the calendar year 2011 has been less than desirable, I have far more for which to be grateful than to lie here in a funk contemplating all the things that are wrong rather than focusing on all the things that are right.

I have to admit that I’m not feeling the spirit of the season just yet. I’m not even sure if I’ll drag the tree out of the closet this year. Maybe I should…maybe it would do my spirit good to decorate? The holidays just mean nothing to me anymore. Memories of the Christmases of my childhood—Christmases that will n’er again be—I can’t seem to get excited about it anymore. Thoughts turn to the person I miss more than anyone in the world—my beloved grandmother. SHE was Christmas to me.

I have to take my focus off my current lot in life—I have to stop worrying about the things I’ve lost and focus on what I have. I have to stop focus on loves that failed and focus on the love that will be. I have to let go of negative emotions, toxic energy and focus on positivity and peace, within myself, and those to whom I need to offer forgiveness and, yes, perhaps even need to ask forgiveness myself.

Here’s my confession: I’m tired. I’m tired of putting off life. I’m tired of waiting on life to just happen. I need to be an active participant in this life—the only life I have. I need to learn to live life—and to live it to the fullest—one single day at a time. That’s so much easier said than done, but I know that in doing so I’ll find more peace than I’ll ever know what to do with. May my tomorrows be beautiful, and may yours be just as beautiful!!!

BRING IT

It is difficult to believe that it has been nearly two months since my last posting. So many thoughts pass through my mind on a daily basis that I’ve not slowed down long enough to chronicle here.

The last year of my life has been a steady experiment in change. I’ve lost a job, I’ve lost friends, a boyfriend or two, a home and I have struggled to understand who I am.

Though the powers of karma may have tried to keep me down, I fought back with a vengeance, and I won. Losing the job has turned out to be a stepping stone to exploring new opportunities. Losing friends allowed me to evaluate who and what are important in my life, losing relationships hurt like hell, but allowed me the opportunity to evaluate ways to improve future relationships.

We are at that point of the year where everyone it is time to beginning thinking of the things we will be looking to change as we move into 2011. “New Year’s Resolutions” we call them. I’ll be taking inventory of my life in the coming days.

Here’s my confession: That which doesn’t kill us does make us stronger. I know the feeling of true brotherly love. I have people in my life whom I honestly do not know how I would have made it without. You certainly know my burdens are lighter because of the love these dear friends have provided. Stay tuned as I make break down these resolutions. Bring it, 2011.