ME: VERSION 37.416

ME: VERSION 37.416

If I’m being completely honest, there are moments, more often than not, that I am wandering aimlessly through life. I often wonder what the hell I’m doing here. What is my purpose? Where do I belong? To whom do I belong? Yes, it seems that there are often far more questions than answers. Each passing year brings its own experiences—some happy, some not so happy—but I believe each experience offers two choices—to wallow around and do nothing or to serve as a call to action.

At the end of this month, it will have been three years since Parker and I ended our relationship. The time has flown by and our lives, for the most part, have moved on, though we are still on good speaking terms (I don’t know why—we just are—despite the myriad of things I could be angry about, I can’t bring myself to hate this man with whom I shared 5 years of my life.) Hating him would perhaps only hurt me more than it would him. There are things that I wish could have happened differently, but still I have to wonder if things haven’t happened exactly the way they were supposed to. Parker moved right from our relationship into another relationship—where he seems to have been very happy for the last three years or so. I’ve dated a little, but as far as being extremely serious, not so much. Yet, I hope, I dream, I long for the day when Mr. Right and I meet. I long for that true, abiding feeling of love. I pray for that feeling. I pray for that experience. And, while it may happen today or tomorrow—I know it may not happen for a while. And, I’m going to be ok with that because I know that good things are in store.

Professionally things have taken a change for me. I’m not where I was a year ago. My career goals are far different than they were a year ago. I’ve learned many new skills over the last year. I’ve met many amazing people over the last year, each of them seemingly beacons to guide me down that road that I must travel. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. When I was a child, I wanted to be a church musician (before I even began playing an instrument) and I wanted to be a schoolteacher. One of those dreams has come true. The second, I’m not sure about. I just want to know that whatever it is that I do, that it matters.

Relationships: My familial relationships are all but non-existent. There has been some movement there in the last few weeks in reaching out via email between my father and me. I don’t know that there will ever be closeness. It seems difficult to believe that after 37 years of being just the lonely, only child that things will make a dramatic shift. However, my one true wish, my one true goal is a clear conscience. My parents are still very young (both still under 60), but I know there will be the day that I’ll be called to the local mortuary to prepare their bodies for their final resting places at The Groves cemetery. I want to be damn sure that my conscience is clear. Often easier said than done, but at least progress has started.


Here’s my confession: Each day I live is a chance and an opportunity to grow and make amends. It’s one day closer to realizing my destiny, my joy my happiness. NO body can create happiness for me—it’s something I have to create. Despite setbacks in my 37.146 years, I have some the of most amazing people right here in my life.
I’m going to make the most of each day…learn…grow…and live with purpose.

Going Forward

GOING FORWARD

It’s been a while since I’ve been completely devoted to my blog. Going forward, I have every intention of changing that. We have arrived at a new year, a time for new beginnings, new resolve and, more or less a clean slate. It would be easy to simply sit back and dwell in the past—with all its disappointments and frustrations. Let’s face it—if you are reading this, you know what an incredibly arduous year 2010 was for me on just about every level imaginable.

While I haven’t completed my list of resolutions for the New Year at this point—and yes, I’m keenly aware we are almost a week into the new year—there are several general areas on which I plan to focus this year. I plan to focus with a deeper zeal my time at the piano. I plan to learn six to twelve classical pieces for piano this year. That gives me one or two per month on which to focus. I plan to focus on health. I’ll be hitting the gym again in the next week or so. While my time at the gym is not something incredibly strenuous, I know it is something I must do. I’m going to more on the people in my life. Hopefully, Mr. Right will come along this year. Deep in my heart I feel there is a strong possibility. I’m committed to my life of introspection. From introspection my life grows, I grow. I’m also committing to being more on top of my finances. And, last, but not least, I’m renewing my commitment to blogging on a more regular basis.

Here’s my confession: 2010 dealt a lot of really tragic blows and difficult moments. A relationship ended, a job ended. Through it all, I have found so much peace, comfort and love. I’m ready to move forward and make 2011 a year that counts—one of those banner years in my lie. Going forward, expect a lot more peace, lot more of all things bright and beautiful!