IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES

IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES 

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said "What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."  I think it prudent to remind myself of that almost daily.  It's so easy to get caught up in the mundane, the worry and fears of life.  I worry about paying off my debts, what career is right for me and especially about the man I love.  Yet, all that is mundane-in the grand scheme-compared to what is real, what is now, what is sustainable.  

What if I woke up in the morning and that which I love the most were gone?  What if all my friends were gone?  What if my relationship were to come to a screeching halt?  Would it hurt?  You're damn right it would hurt.  Would I cease to exist if all that I hold dear were gone or would I persevere?  I'm sure I would survive, somehow, someway. 

Ultimately I know that worrying will not add one moment to my life. Yet, how do I let go of worry and truly live, love and prosper?  The last few years of my life have taught me so much about my own ability to survive in the face of loss.  I've lost loves, a job, a home, and yet, I'm still here.  I am fortunate to have the love and support of friends.  I'm living today a life I would have never imagined only a three or four short years ago.  Those who did not know me before scoff when I tell them I was not outgoing, that I didn't feel worthy, that I was painfully shy.  Yet, today I  have such an amazing group of people in my life who have facilitated my metamorphosis.

What if that call came tomorrow-that my parents are gone? Would I forgive myself for the years of estrangement?  Where are those words of forgiveness? They are closer now than ever, yet in my heart, I have no desire for any sort of day-to-day interaction. 

Here's my confession: I wrestle daily with feelings of inferiority and unworthiness.  I have a man in my life that I love dearly, yet each day I wonder if this the day my heart will once again be shattered.  I worry, maybe not as much as I have in the past, that friendships will fade. I worry that the wonder and joy in my life will disappear.  But, I have to remind myself, as Emerson so eloquently put it, that which lies inside me is far larger, better and more important than anything in the past or future.  The key ingredient here is to find joy, peace and love today, in the now, in the only moment I have.  Yesterday's worries will take care of themselves and tomorrow is still yet to arrive.  So, if tomorrow never comes, when I lie my head down to rest tonight, will I have peace that I've done all in my power to live today to it's fullest?  Have I done all I can with what lies within me, or have I let my worries, fears and frustrations rob me of the experiences I should enjoy today?