GRATITUDE 10.07.11
I've slowly been dusting off the blog over the last few weeks. It has been a while since I paused for what I consider one of the most important parts of my blog-my weekly gratitude blog.
As I reflect over the last few months, I am grateful for all the people who have touched my life. I am, today, at a pivotal point in my life. I'm moving away from hurt and resentments, away from feelings of self-loathing and towards a better version of myself. I’m grateful for the love and support I receive, especially from Gray and from Liz, whose text messages provide a closeness I love deeply.
I'm grateful for two jobs I enjoy. I'm grateful for a congregation that allows me the joy of living my dream each week-sharing my sense of the divine through music. My dream was always to be a pianist in a church. I enjoy it so much. Although it is something I often view as a chore these days-I am grateful to be a part of the men's chorus in which I sing tenor. The friends I have made through the choir have enhanced the last three years of my life.
Although there has been heartbreak this year, I am grateful for the stepping-stones each created. I'm stronger than I was a year ago. I have a better sense of self, where I want to and the person I want to be. Each day I awaken to a clearer sense of purpose, a few inches closer to contentment and a better sense of self.
Here’s my confession: I may not have everything I wish I had, I may not be exactly where I want to be in life, but the truth of the matter is that I am grateful for life and for the things-and most importantly-the people in my life. I pray I never take a single solitary blessing for granted, because as quickly as the blessing arrived, it can vanish. May gratitude always be foremost in all I do.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
MY DOSSIER ON DATING
MY DOSSIER ON DATING
In my twenties, as I was coming out, I was way too afraid to casually hook up. So, from ages 23 to 29 I was in a relationship. It just seemed that was the thing to do-find someone, fall in love, live happily ever after-that is, of course, until, the relationship ran its course six years later and we parted ways. So, within four months, and for the next nearly five years, I found myself in another "instant relationship". The relationship was riddled with issues from the beginning. However, when you are young, you ignore things that are really important-thinking that maybe things will get better. Yet, in reality, the things that are intrinsically wrong never change. So, over the course of eleven years of my life, I spent in committed relationships because that's what good guys do-or so I thought. The ending of the last relationship-which had earlier even included the exchange of rings and vows, left me knocking on the front door of 35 and a new outlook on life. Still, I continued to trudge along, having a few short-lived relationships. I believed in love, the fairytale, respecting myself and the one I would love by being faithful and giving, fighting for love. I thought lowering myself to simply dating around was too difficult, cheapened the sanctity of a committed relationship and made me feel less about myself. Here I am three years and some change later. Contemplating.
Friends had been telling me that I should just focus on dating and not on relationships. That seemed so unlike me. So this year came along. With it came the beginning of what looked like an amazing, albeit instant relationship, with George. George and I could not be more polar opposite in our approaches to everything in life. Yet, for the first time in my life, I experienced the freedom and beauty of what I felt was perhaps my first adult relationship, and even after eleven years of committed relationships, Love like I'd never known before. The tender and passionate love I experienced turned out to be one-sided, though, I do not blame George. I think he did try to love me, and in his own way, he did, and, I imagine, still does. With George, unlike previous relationships, I felt like me. I didn't feel like I was sacrificing a part of myself to be with him. After all, THAT is exactly what I had been looking for all along-my other half,someone to compliment me, someone who made me feel like I was important-that I mattered-that being me and being in a relationship were not only a fantasy in my head, but a reality in which I found myself living.
Here's my confession: I've been thinking a lot since the heart-wrenching break-up with George. I've thought about love, dating, relationships and what does it all mean. I realize now, in my late thirties, that I am simply not ready for a serious relationship. I have never experienced the freedom of casual dating before-as friends had long ago suggested. Instead, I've focused on finding THE one, saving myself for him alone. And where, exactly, has that mindset, those actions, gotten me? Nowhere. It's left me longing to breathe in and live life, to experience-as many of my gay contemporaries have already done earlier in their lives dating just for the sake of dating. At this point-that's where I am. And, as is often the case, I arrive a little late in the game-hopefully, there is time to catch up. I need to further explore myself,and allow myself permission to be me. Maybe I'll find my forever George out there somewhere, or at least have fun searching.
In my twenties, as I was coming out, I was way too afraid to casually hook up. So, from ages 23 to 29 I was in a relationship. It just seemed that was the thing to do-find someone, fall in love, live happily ever after-that is, of course, until, the relationship ran its course six years later and we parted ways. So, within four months, and for the next nearly five years, I found myself in another "instant relationship". The relationship was riddled with issues from the beginning. However, when you are young, you ignore things that are really important-thinking that maybe things will get better. Yet, in reality, the things that are intrinsically wrong never change. So, over the course of eleven years of my life, I spent in committed relationships because that's what good guys do-or so I thought. The ending of the last relationship-which had earlier even included the exchange of rings and vows, left me knocking on the front door of 35 and a new outlook on life. Still, I continued to trudge along, having a few short-lived relationships. I believed in love, the fairytale, respecting myself and the one I would love by being faithful and giving, fighting for love. I thought lowering myself to simply dating around was too difficult, cheapened the sanctity of a committed relationship and made me feel less about myself. Here I am three years and some change later. Contemplating.
Friends had been telling me that I should just focus on dating and not on relationships. That seemed so unlike me. So this year came along. With it came the beginning of what looked like an amazing, albeit instant relationship, with George. George and I could not be more polar opposite in our approaches to everything in life. Yet, for the first time in my life, I experienced the freedom and beauty of what I felt was perhaps my first adult relationship, and even after eleven years of committed relationships, Love like I'd never known before. The tender and passionate love I experienced turned out to be one-sided, though, I do not blame George. I think he did try to love me, and in his own way, he did, and, I imagine, still does. With George, unlike previous relationships, I felt like me. I didn't feel like I was sacrificing a part of myself to be with him. After all, THAT is exactly what I had been looking for all along-my other half,someone to compliment me, someone who made me feel like I was important-that I mattered-that being me and being in a relationship were not only a fantasy in my head, but a reality in which I found myself living.
Here's my confession: I've been thinking a lot since the heart-wrenching break-up with George. I've thought about love, dating, relationships and what does it all mean. I realize now, in my late thirties, that I am simply not ready for a serious relationship. I have never experienced the freedom of casual dating before-as friends had long ago suggested. Instead, I've focused on finding THE one, saving myself for him alone. And where, exactly, has that mindset, those actions, gotten me? Nowhere. It's left me longing to breathe in and live life, to experience-as many of my gay contemporaries have already done earlier in their lives dating just for the sake of dating. At this point-that's where I am. And, as is often the case, I arrive a little late in the game-hopefully, there is time to catch up. I need to further explore myself,and allow myself permission to be me. Maybe I'll find my forever George out there somewhere, or at least have fun searching.
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