I spent tonight with my family. No, not my family of origin…but the family I’ve created for myself. Tonight was the first rehearsal of the spring season for the Magic City Choral Society. I’ll never, ever be able to fully express just how much this amazing group of men means to me. I have never been a part of an organization that has touched me deeply on so many levels. While our focus is music, the sense of community we build with one another and the deep friendships we establish make Tuesday nights the highlight of the week for a great many of us.
To think that just less than five months ago, I didn’t know any of these people who are now among my closest and dearest friends. To think that I was terrified to walk into that first rehearsal blows my mind. Now, a Tuesday night is just not the same without being with the men I love to laugh and sing and share my life with. The beautiful thing is that my friends who knew me before joining the choir see a changed man in me-for the better.
Here’s my confession: I’ve grown more in the last five months as a person, more socially and more musically than I have at any point in the last thirty-five years of life. I’m incredibly, overwhelmingly blessed. And, beyond that, I’m proud to say I’m part of such an amazing and talented group of men, my brothers in the truest sense of the word.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
CHANGE
Sitting here in the silence tonight, I take a moment to reflect on the last few days. The one common thread that I keep coming up with is change. There are lots of changes continuing to come into my life. The scariest part is not having full understanding of what the changes mean. The biggest change is my interaction with Lane. It’s been strained for the last few days as we struggle to see what the road has in store for us. Are we destined to just be friends or something more? Perhaps only time will tell. And, while it seems like there needs to be a rush to make the decision, the truth of the matter is that there’s no rush. What’s going to happen is going to happen. Time will take care of it all.
I’m also reminded of the things that are constant in my life—my dear group of friends who give me love and support beyond anything I could ever imagine. I’m so thankful for the forces that allowed me to step out of my little comfort zone last August. I have grown so much as a result, and am constantly amazed at the social life I’ve developed.
Here’s my confession: I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. Yet, surprisingly, I have no fear, because I have faith that everything is going to work out and that everything and everyone is going to be just fine. Change is, admittedly, a scary thing, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a negative thing. Change can be very positive even after the result is negative. And so, I leave you tonight with the thought “that which doesn’t kills us makes us stronger.” I believe I’m living proof that it’s true.
I’m also reminded of the things that are constant in my life—my dear group of friends who give me love and support beyond anything I could ever imagine. I’m so thankful for the forces that allowed me to step out of my little comfort zone last August. I have grown so much as a result, and am constantly amazed at the social life I’ve developed.
Here’s my confession: I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. Yet, surprisingly, I have no fear, because I have faith that everything is going to work out and that everything and everyone is going to be just fine. Change is, admittedly, a scary thing, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a negative thing. Change can be very positive even after the result is negative. And so, I leave you tonight with the thought “that which doesn’t kills us makes us stronger.” I believe I’m living proof that it’s true.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
WRITING FOR CATHARSIS
In psychology, "Catharsis" is defined as the brining to the surface repressed emotions, complexes, and feelings in an effort to relieve them, or the result of this process. If I am being completely honest, that's what this blog is all about. We are almost a week into the new year and while I didn't make any concrete resolutions, I've taken a lot of time to be introspective and to identify areas of my life that truly need improvement.
I haven't made resolutions to join the gym or start eating better, to floss everyday or any of the thousands of things we humans decide to change about ourselves as a new year begins. Instead, I'm focusing on my well being, specifically, my mental well being. The last year of my life was a ride like none other. I grew in ways that have amazed my closest friends and blown my own expectations. The man reflected in the mirror is, in most cases, a much happier person, a much more contented person, but, even still, a man still in transition. I still have worries, I still have fears, but those worries and fears don't control me like they did, say, a couple of years ago. I'm not completely to the "independent" status, but I'm well on the road. At heart, I'm still very much the introvert I've always been, although many people are shocked when I tell them this. I'm still shy and afraid until I warm up to a group of people I don't know that well, but now, more than ever in my life, I'm comfortable in my own skin. I enjoy the people in my life. I enjoy living my life. That's a lot coming from a person who a year and a half ago wanted nothing more than to perish from this earth.
I've said it before and will no doubt say it again, music is stirring in my soul for the first time in years. I'm living my dream as a church musician, and I've found more joy than I can possibly express by singing with the men's chorus. It is from the men's chorus that I am developing incredible friendships and finding myself. Not a day goes by in which I am not grateful for this group of men. Our love and friendships go far beyond our rehearsals and performances, as we have welcomed one another into our lives. In fact, the fact that we are musicians together is probably a side benefit to the experiences and joy we bring into one another's lives.
I believe I'm at a place of peace right now as far as my family is concerned. I've reached out as much as I can possibly extend myself at this juncture. Some situation may arise in which those relationships are challenged, and I'll have to find the courage and energy to deal with that when the time comes, but for now, I'm blessed by my family of choice, rather than my family of origin.
Here's my confession: Even with all the growth I've already experienced, there is always a wide gap of room for improvement. I sometimes feel like I've hit a brick wall. "NO MORE GROWTH FOR YOU: GAME OVER!!!" This is one of those times. I'm frustrated because I know that I'm not always true to myself. I believe I sometimes suck at being a good employee, friend and partner. That's where I must focus my time and energy. All the areas of my life are falling right into place. For the last few months, my life has been going non-stop. I have to find time to slow down, relax and enjoy each and every moment, to carve out time for myself to grow, to set goals for myself. I have to spend more time getting to know the new and improved me. Yet, I must be careful not to pile my plate so full of things that I get lost in my own improvement. The truth is that I have to get used to truly loving myself. I have to be courageous and make the changes in my life that need to be made, for delaying that process is delaying my own growth. In doing so, I'll keep writing for catharsis. The person I am today is NOT the same person I will be three months, six months or a year from now, because I'm in control. I like to remember a quote that a friend gave me way back in college. It says "You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you." There's a lot of truth in that quotation. I believe my thoughts are taking me on a very amazing journey, thanks for coming along with me.
I haven't made resolutions to join the gym or start eating better, to floss everyday or any of the thousands of things we humans decide to change about ourselves as a new year begins. Instead, I'm focusing on my well being, specifically, my mental well being. The last year of my life was a ride like none other. I grew in ways that have amazed my closest friends and blown my own expectations. The man reflected in the mirror is, in most cases, a much happier person, a much more contented person, but, even still, a man still in transition. I still have worries, I still have fears, but those worries and fears don't control me like they did, say, a couple of years ago. I'm not completely to the "independent" status, but I'm well on the road. At heart, I'm still very much the introvert I've always been, although many people are shocked when I tell them this. I'm still shy and afraid until I warm up to a group of people I don't know that well, but now, more than ever in my life, I'm comfortable in my own skin. I enjoy the people in my life. I enjoy living my life. That's a lot coming from a person who a year and a half ago wanted nothing more than to perish from this earth.
I've said it before and will no doubt say it again, music is stirring in my soul for the first time in years. I'm living my dream as a church musician, and I've found more joy than I can possibly express by singing with the men's chorus. It is from the men's chorus that I am developing incredible friendships and finding myself. Not a day goes by in which I am not grateful for this group of men. Our love and friendships go far beyond our rehearsals and performances, as we have welcomed one another into our lives. In fact, the fact that we are musicians together is probably a side benefit to the experiences and joy we bring into one another's lives.
I believe I'm at a place of peace right now as far as my family is concerned. I've reached out as much as I can possibly extend myself at this juncture. Some situation may arise in which those relationships are challenged, and I'll have to find the courage and energy to deal with that when the time comes, but for now, I'm blessed by my family of choice, rather than my family of origin.
Here's my confession: Even with all the growth I've already experienced, there is always a wide gap of room for improvement. I sometimes feel like I've hit a brick wall. "NO MORE GROWTH FOR YOU: GAME OVER!!!" This is one of those times. I'm frustrated because I know that I'm not always true to myself. I believe I sometimes suck at being a good employee, friend and partner. That's where I must focus my time and energy. All the areas of my life are falling right into place. For the last few months, my life has been going non-stop. I have to find time to slow down, relax and enjoy each and every moment, to carve out time for myself to grow, to set goals for myself. I have to spend more time getting to know the new and improved me. Yet, I must be careful not to pile my plate so full of things that I get lost in my own improvement. The truth is that I have to get used to truly loving myself. I have to be courageous and make the changes in my life that need to be made, for delaying that process is delaying my own growth. In doing so, I'll keep writing for catharsis. The person I am today is NOT the same person I will be three months, six months or a year from now, because I'm in control. I like to remember a quote that a friend gave me way back in college. It says "You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you." There's a lot of truth in that quotation. I believe my thoughts are taking me on a very amazing journey, thanks for coming along with me.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
GRATITUDE 01.02.09
A new year has just begun, and with it I must stop for a moment to remember where I was a year ago and express how grateful I am for the many things that were good about 2008. I believe that the thing in 2008 for which I am most grateful is that I stepped out of my comfort zone on many occasions. Stepping away from our everyday routines is not easy. In fact, it can be downright frightening. Yet, I’d have to say, more often than not, stepping out is a catalyst for growth, often on many levels.
At the heart of my nature, I’m a shy and introverted individual. I know, to some of you who are reading this and don’t know me that well, you may think I’m insane-how could I possibly be introverted? Whether you believe it or not, I am an introvert. Yet, when I gain a level of comfort, it is much easier for me to come out of my shell.
If I look back at where I was-mentally and emotionally-just one year ago, I’m amazed at the progress I’ve made. My closest friends tell me often that I’m not the same person I was back than. And, that’s all for the better. I’m a more settled, happy, content, focused person than I have ever been before. There are moments of set-backs, moments of fear, frustration and self-doubt, but in the grander picture, life has never been better. To have experienced the beauty of true love and acceptance, true friendship, has covered a multitude of sins.
Here’s my confession: Although I’ve come so very far, I know in my heart of hearts that there is still a long road ahead. Questions come to me each and every day about how to maintain who I am. Questions come to me to about where life is headed, where relationships are headed. When will my house sell? Will there be enough money to buy cat food this month? With all those questions, I know that their answers are often just around the corner. It might take a little more beating around in the school of hard knocks, but answers, solutions and peace will ultimately come.
Let it never be said that I am ungrateful, for it is my priority to live a life of gratitude and joy, of harmony and friendship. Each day is a journey, each day is a gift. And, my goal is to treat each day as though it were my last day of life.
May grace and gratitude attend you, my friends, as you open up new chapters of your life in 2009.
At the heart of my nature, I’m a shy and introverted individual. I know, to some of you who are reading this and don’t know me that well, you may think I’m insane-how could I possibly be introverted? Whether you believe it or not, I am an introvert. Yet, when I gain a level of comfort, it is much easier for me to come out of my shell.
If I look back at where I was-mentally and emotionally-just one year ago, I’m amazed at the progress I’ve made. My closest friends tell me often that I’m not the same person I was back than. And, that’s all for the better. I’m a more settled, happy, content, focused person than I have ever been before. There are moments of set-backs, moments of fear, frustration and self-doubt, but in the grander picture, life has never been better. To have experienced the beauty of true love and acceptance, true friendship, has covered a multitude of sins.
Here’s my confession: Although I’ve come so very far, I know in my heart of hearts that there is still a long road ahead. Questions come to me each and every day about how to maintain who I am. Questions come to me to about where life is headed, where relationships are headed. When will my house sell? Will there be enough money to buy cat food this month? With all those questions, I know that their answers are often just around the corner. It might take a little more beating around in the school of hard knocks, but answers, solutions and peace will ultimately come.
Let it never be said that I am ungrateful, for it is my priority to live a life of gratitude and joy, of harmony and friendship. Each day is a journey, each day is a gift. And, my goal is to treat each day as though it were my last day of life.
May grace and gratitude attend you, my friends, as you open up new chapters of your life in 2009.
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