WRITING FOR CATHARSIS

In psychology, "Catharsis" is defined as the brining to the surface repressed emotions, complexes, and feelings in an effort to relieve them, or the result of this process. If I am being completely honest, that's what this blog is all about. We are almost a week into the new year and while I didn't make any concrete resolutions, I've taken a lot of time to be introspective and to identify areas of my life that truly need improvement.

I haven't made resolutions to join the gym or start eating better, to floss everyday or any of the thousands of things we humans decide to change about ourselves as a new year begins. Instead, I'm focusing on my well being, specifically, my mental well being. The last year of my life was a ride like none other. I grew in ways that have amazed my closest friends and blown my own expectations. The man reflected in the mirror is, in most cases, a much happier person, a much more contented person, but, even still, a man still in transition. I still have worries, I still have fears, but those worries and fears don't control me like they did, say, a couple of years ago. I'm not completely to the "independent" status, but I'm well on the road. At heart, I'm still very much the introvert I've always been, although many people are shocked when I tell them this. I'm still shy and afraid until I warm up to a group of people I don't know that well, but now, more than ever in my life, I'm comfortable in my own skin. I enjoy the people in my life. I enjoy living my life. That's a lot coming from a person who a year and a half ago wanted nothing more than to perish from this earth.

I've said it before and will no doubt say it again, music is stirring in my soul for the first time in years. I'm living my dream as a church musician, and I've found more joy than I can possibly express by singing with the men's chorus. It is from the men's chorus that I am developing incredible friendships and finding myself. Not a day goes by in which I am not grateful for this group of men. Our love and friendships go far beyond our rehearsals and performances, as we have welcomed one another into our lives. In fact, the fact that we are musicians together is probably a side benefit to the experiences and joy we bring into one another's lives.

I believe I'm at a place of peace right now as far as my family is concerned. I've reached out as much as I can possibly extend myself at this juncture. Some situation may arise in which those relationships are challenged, and I'll have to find the courage and energy to deal with that when the time comes, but for now, I'm blessed by my family of choice, rather than my family of origin.

Here's my confession: Even with all the growth I've already experienced, there is always a wide gap of room for improvement. I sometimes feel like I've hit a brick wall. "NO MORE GROWTH FOR YOU: GAME OVER!!!" This is one of those times. I'm frustrated because I know that I'm not always true to myself. I believe I sometimes suck at being a good employee, friend and partner. That's where I must focus my time and energy. All the areas of my life are falling right into place. For the last few months, my life has been going non-stop. I have to find time to slow down, relax and enjoy each and every moment, to carve out time for myself to grow, to set goals for myself. I have to spend more time getting to know the new and improved me. Yet, I must be careful not to pile my plate so full of things that I get lost in my own improvement. The truth is that I have to get used to truly loving myself. I have to be courageous and make the changes in my life that need to be made, for delaying that process is delaying my own growth. In doing so, I'll keep writing for catharsis. The person I am today is NOT the same person I will be three months, six months or a year from now, because I'm in control. I like to remember a quote that a friend gave me way back in college. It says "You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you." There's a lot of truth in that quotation. I believe my thoughts are taking me on a very amazing journey, thanks for coming along with me.