CONTRADICTIONS, TRANSITIONS AND PONDERINGS

In the past I settled because I didn't feel as though there were any other options. Now, I fear settling because I am afraid I'll, well, JUST settle. Almost everyone serves up the platitudes "you're a great guy. So much to offer. You're going to make someone very happy." So, I took a strong chance on love earlier this year with George. It changed my life, my world, my everything. In July I let myself go and enjoyed it. I had casual sex-not with strangers-but people I consider friends. That's surprisingly more common in the gay world than I'd expected-sex with friends. I liked it, had my needs fulfilled while fulfilling the needs of my friends. Mutual win. Then Hampton enters my world in August. He and I have more in common than I've had with any partner I can recall. He adores me, we enjoy old country music, the same television shows, and have the same smart-ass brand of humor. What's the problem? Sexually, my mind shuts down like a power plant in a hurricane. It's like I equate the giving of myself to him as a resignation of all things sexual, like I'm intertwined to him for life with a solitary sex act. It's frustrating, to say the least.

In my mind's eye, I think, like most people, I picture that perfect relationship-where things aren't necessarily "perfect", but are just smooth sailing. I used to believe in monogamy-and maybe SOMEWHERE-deep down-I still do. What I do know is the fear of "is this as good as it gets?" is paralyzing. And, almost as paralyzing is the knowing, that SOMEWHERE out there there, is someone else.

I've been single, with a few rare exceptions, since January, 2008. That is almost 5 years. I've been single almost as long as Parker and I were together. He was my last significant relationship prior to my relationship with George-which, if I'm calling a spade a spade, was much more about sex and a lot less about love. But, the doors, the trappings of my mind and the inhibitions that were released. For nothing in all the world would I trade that experience. It was my first foray into total passion, and, in my heart of hearts, love.

I often have thought of all I wish to accomplish. Working out, learning more music, actually completing a crochet project-and how is it possible to do ANY of that in the "confines" aof a relationship? How can I BE me, and not lose ME in that relationship?

Life doesn't wait on us. I keep thinking once everything is in place...one the debts are paid off, once I have a house that I own, once I have a place and everything in its place. THEN will be the the time I'll be ready for love, when I'll be ready for...

Here's my confession: I am lost. I have it all and nothing at the same time. I just want to find that butterfly, so sick in love feeling. And where to start? Where I am now? Or do I look (or keep looking, as it were) around another corner?