PATIENCE

Patience is a virtue, one with which I'm not at all certain I've been blessed. There are so many things going on in my life, so many changes looming. Part of getting to those changes is the growth process. I think I'd like to skip the growth process part and just get on with it. I want everything to happen yesterday or sooner. That's just not how it works. Patience is a most necessary element to change.

Two of the biggest changes I'm facing involve my relationship and continuing education. My biggest struggle is my career path. Going back to school is something I feel very strongly about. But also something that really scares me to death. There are a couple of things I'd like to study, but I'm just not sure which path is right for me. It's partially a financial thing, but I'm learning that I have to just have faith, be patient and trust in myself. Nothing worth doing in life is easy, right?

I've never been extremely patient, especially when it comes to academics. For example, as a piano student, my concept of rhythm suffered because I wasn't patient enough to learn to follow the beat. Fortunately, as I've matured, I have gained a better concept of rhythm because I didn't pressure myself so much. There is a life lesson to learn there. Slow down, be in the moment, be patient. Good things come to those who wait.

Here's my confession: I really have two options. I can either sit here for the next five years, scheming, planning, contemplating about change, or I can get up, develop an action plan, implement it, and have another degree under my belt. In the first scenario, I gain nothing. In the second, I stand to gain the satisfaction of another degree, pride in my hard work, and better opportunities for myself. Either way, I have to be patient, active and dedicated. In the end, I may just surprise myself. Where I am five years from now is largely dependent on my actions. Friends may serve as guideposts along the way, but in the end, the future is all in my hands.

ENOUGH!!!

I’ve had enough! Enough of the emotions spinning inside my head, enough of the frustration, fear and restlessness that come with each new day. Enough of the self-defeat, I’ve had enough of the anxiety, guilt and depression. I’ve had enough of the fatigue. It’s been a tough day. To say that I’ve been unmotivated would be a vast understatement. I’m tired of the boredom and knowing that where I am in life right now is now where I want to be.

I’ve had enough of the relationship drama, not only with Parker, but also with my parents, and with co-workers. I have a few very special people in my life—and you know exactly who you are, and I’m grateful for you and your CONSTANT support and encouragement. You, God, and I all know how much I need it. The work it will take to repair these relationships seems daunting.

There are professional goals I am trying diligently to define, but the truth is that I don’t know if I have what it takes within me to go back to school, although that’s what I think I really want to do. Figuring out what I want to do is really frustrating.

Here’s my confession: I’m just rambling tonight. My thoughts are less than cohesive. I’m stressed, I’m a little bit depressed, and mostly I’m tired. I’ve struggled all day with something to write. Certainly this is no where near my best, but I’ve got a bad case of the Mondays. I think it’s time to go to bed, and hope and pray for a better tomorrow. Stay tuned. It’s likely to get better.

WEEKLY GRATITUDE

Another week is behind me. It began with the beauty of a light snow blanketing the area on Saturday morning. If only there had been more accumulation, it would have been perfect. Yet, I'm grateful for what we did receive, as it is a very rare treat for us here in the Heart of Dixie.

I am always grateful for friendships. As I've mentioned in my blog earlier this week, on Saturday I drove to Nashville to spend a few hours with my college friends, Lee and Jane. It is always great to have time to spend with the two of them. They've seen me at my very best and very worst over the years, and I'm reminded each time I see them just how grateful I am to have such cherished friendships. Sometimes friendships come and go in our lives, but through all the changes in our lives, these two people have remained consistent, loving and completely supportive regardless of the situation. I'm grateful not only for the blessings of these two people in my life, but for the people who are part of my life each and every day, people who listen to my babblings and ramblings, and continue to love me in spite of my flaws.

I’m grateful for my old friend Brandee, and for her allowing me into the deeper recesses of her mind through her blog. I’m humbled and honored that I’m one of her “chosen ones”. I’m also grateful for the epistolary relationship we’ve reengaged with one another, and for the latest edition which arrived in the mail today and I’ll be reading after I post this blog.

I'm grateful for a break in the tension between Parker and me this week. While there are still many questions to answer, things to sort out, there is an air of peace between us. We no doubt have a long road ahead of us, but now that we are being more open, it's easier to with the things which lie ahead of us.

I'm grateful for prayer. It is something I should do more than I actually do, but something I have been doing with a little more often over the last couple of weeks. Just making that little extra effort brings about more peace.

It may seem trite, but I am grateful for warm bubble baths, hot chocolate, the simple love of my cats, local television newscasters, a good massage, and for the memories of those who have touched my life, but are no longer living.

Here's my confession: Sometimes it would absolutely be easier to just bitch about the things in my life, rather than truly being grateful for the things that come my way. Life is not perfect, but even with its imperfection, most of us have more to be grateful for than we could ever express. Tonight, God willing, I'll fall asleep in a comfortable, warm bed in a warm house. I have quite enough food, but so many here in my own city won't experience such "luxuries". I am constantly reminded of the things I just take for granted in my life. What a blessed life I life. Things fall into place a little more every day. I see my life more clearly than even six months or so ago. I’m grateful for those of you who have supported me along this journey, and will accompany me to the end.

THE QUIET MAN

He is a quiet, peaceful man. In fact, I cannot recall ever seeing him lose his temper. He's in so many ways the opposite of her. He rolls with the flow. Maybe that's the secret to their thirty six years of marriage.

While he and I have always had trouble relating to one another, I do hold such fond memories of him, especially as a child. He is a firefighter, a well respected on at that. I recall we would often hang out at the fire station where he was a volunteer. We would often go riding around, just the two of us, in areas around our hometown. One thing I always enjoyed was going by the Parkway drive-in to get a vanilla shake. This was one of his old haunts, dating back to when he was a teenager.

He's always supported me in everything I've done, whether or not he understood or whether or not he had words to articulate his support.

Here's my confession: He, of course, is my father. As with my mother, I haven't seen him in nearly two years. We all live in such different worlds. I must give him some credit, however. He has reached out on a couple of occasions. Although our conversations have been brief, and mainly consisted of small talk, at least it was a step. How I wish I were man enough to just reach back out to him, to cut through the awkwardness and have a deep and meaningful conversation. That, to me, at least at this juncture, seems like climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. It frightens me beyond words. It is so easy for one to sit there and say "just suck it up and call home.", yet in reality, far more difficult to put into practice.

Whiel driving to Nashville last weekend, I passed a billboard just outside Cullman, AL. The sign read, simply, "Call Your Parents." I couldn't help thinking, is that sign for me? Why can't I do it? What would I say? Those are I have asked myself hundreds of times over the last year or so. It's a question which I cannot answer. I remind myself that they will not be around forever, and that I don't necessarily have time on my side.

There is a distance between my parents and me, both physical-there's close to 300 miles between us-and an emotional distance too intense to measure. I don't know how to bridge these great divides.

My dad loves me, of this I am sure. It may not have been perfect, but I know, as with my mother, that he loves me to the best of his ability. That should be enough. The trouble is, I don't think I fully understand love myself. How could I, never having their living example?

When I think of my father, I often think of two songs that sum up my feelings-Mike + The Mechanics' "Living Years" and Elton John's "The Last Song". Both deal with the dynamics of father/son relationships. If you aren't familiar with these songs, it's well worth a Google search. One line from each song really stands out to me: "I just wish I could have told him in the living years" and "I guess I misjudged love between a father and his son."

And so it is with me. I just pray that one day, in the not too distant future, I will abandon my pride, my fears, and my anxieties and somehow, some way, experience anew the love of my parents, bury the past and move towards the future with peace. That will take tremendous courage, strength and work. I've no expectations of a perfect relationship with my parents, just one where the lines of communication are no longer strained and where the very thought of interaction does not bring anxiety. That would be an improvement. There is a whole different me that they do not know, and I must believe there is more to them than I am aware.

RECONCILIATION WITH A STRANGER

We haven't spoken in nearly two years. A series of events led to the decline of the relationship. Truth be told, it was probably years in the making. We were never really that close to begin with. However, for a few years after my coming out she was my confidante.

I've thought that maybe she wasn't quite as comfortable with my being gay as I had thought. Then again, she does have physical and emotional issues of which I may never know the full extent. She's perpetually late, rarely feels good, and seems to live her life in a fog.

She was just a child of nineteen herself when I arrived. She had very little patience and probably didn't really know what to do with me. Maybe that's why there were no more after me. Maybe that's why I've generally been a loner most of my life. Maybe that explains a lot, but maybe not.

Maybe I should overlook the fact that she was late for dinner that night before my commitment ceremony, that she was nearly late to the ceremony itself or that she wanted to spend time with me afterwards. Maybe I should overlook the dirty house the first time I took Parker there, that she spent that entire weekend sleeping and didn't even cook a meal. Maybe I should overlook the Christmas gifts that didn't arrive until March. Maybe I should even overlook the clutter the second and third times Parker and I visited her house. Maybe I should overlook the letters I've written in my failed attempts at reconciliation, the Christmas gift I sent that was never acknowledged. Maybe bygones should truly be bygones. Maybe.

Here's my confession: She is my mother. I am her only child. I can't relate to her in her world, and she can't relate to mine. For nearly four years, maybe five, the splintering of our relationship has continued. I could propose many theories as to the reasons for this decline, but what's the use? The only thing that is certain is that our relationship has suffered and, for all practical purposes, no longer exists. Even though things are rocky now, something of which I am certain is that she did the best job of being a mom that she knew how as I was growing up. Was it perfect? No. But, that is ok. She'll always be my mother, and I'll always be her son. Yet, I ask myself what I envision in the future for our relationship, and I cannot find a suitable answer. After all this time, I cannot fathom a conversation with her. It is way too difficult to even think about. Yes, I am scared. What does one say after such a long period of time has gone by?

My true fear is that everything will hit me on the day I have to bury her in Oak Grove Cemetery, or one day, weeks, months, years later. I don't know that I truly want an everyday interaction with her, just the clear conscience of knowing our differences have been reconciled and there are no regrets.

I am always just a little envious of friends who have healthy, loving, issue-free relationships with their parents (or parents with their children) because it is such a foreign concept to me. God bless you if you are one of those people. I'm beginning to think those types of relationships are an exception, rather than the rule.

Dealing with this situation-or perhaps not dealing with it-depending on your vantage point, is a terribly difficult situation for me. I honestly feel as though I'm dealing with a complete stranger than a family member. Feeling like an orphan at my age, and knowing that my parents are very much still alive is a really indescribable feeling. How do you reconcile with a stranger you've known your entire life?

EULOGY FOR LOVE

I'm sorry. I wasn't strong enough back then to see just how weak I was. I was needy and you needed someone to need. We were the perfect match. We were blinded by bliss, blown away by our bond, persuaded by passion. But, bliss faded to boredom, the bond became brokenness and passion turned pale. Just when it seemed all the pieces of the puzzle were going to fit, there was a missing piece neither of us could find. Oh, how we searched for that missing piece. We looked high and low, but it could not be found. So, we drifted, farther and farther apart. I needed help, for I was sinking away and could no longer identify myself. I got some help. Now my reflection is different. I'm stronger, more self-reliant, and more confident. Yet, I'm scared, as I know you are. More questions remain than answers and neither of us wants to hurt the other. We want, more than anything, a sense of peace, a hint of happiness and courage to face the tomorrows.

Oh, it's taken years, but I am starting to see who I am. Our time together has not been in vain, for we've shared so many memories—memories we will carry throughout our lives. Our love was meant to be, if not forever, then for a season. We are at a crossroads, a transition, a transformation. Standing here on the axis, it is difficult to see which direction to go. But, go, we will, and all will be well. All will be well, be we together or apart.

Here's my confession: My love for you may change, but it will never end. Our lives may go in different directions, but here, in my heart, is the place where you reside, and there's no taking that away from me. This phase of the journey may be complete, yet the time to fly is drawing neigh. The truth will set us free. Free to love, free to live and free to explore who we are. I'm stronger now. I am grateful for your support. All I truly want is to know that you are at peace, happy and contented with all you do, and, that, in turn, will bring me peace.

PEACE

As I lie here tonight, listening to relaxing music on Sunset Cruise, Sirius Out Q’s love songs and dedications show for the GLBT community, I find myself in such a peaceful place. Sure, there are many things on my mind, many things in my life needing attention, but in general, I am honestly feeling peaceful tonight. It doesn’t matter to me that I’ve procrastinated most of the last week away, that Parker and I are avoiding important conversations with one another, that I’m struggling to find my direction in this world at the moment, nor does it matter that other relationships--both familial relationships and relationships with colleagues, in particular, are in need of mending.

This peaceful place in which I am finding myself is somewhat out of the blue. Although I have my anxieties under control for the most part, it is still such a new feeling for me, that it always surprises me when I arrive at a place of relaxation in my life. I know that I have people in my life who genuinely care about me, and that makes a huge difference in to me. I have people who are there to remind me to not take myself too seriously and to keep me grounded. When I look at the place I was, at least mentally and emotionally, a year ago, and where I am today, I am proud of the progress I’ve made.

Yesterday morning I awoke to something very uncommon here in Alabama—Snow. In my nearly ten years of living here, I think I have only seen snow maybe three times or four and none of these times have been major, and neither was yesterday’s snow, having been less than a couple of inches. However, what a beautiful picture it made of my neighborhood. Snow itself evokes images of peaceful times.

Here’s my confession: I must learn to slow down, take each day one day at a time, one step at a time and learn that everything is going to fall into place. There will be a natural ebb and flow to life, there will be peaks and valleys. Eventually the things that need to fall into place for the relationships in my life that need healing, questions will all find answers and I’ll find the right path for me. Sure, all of this will take work on my part, but if I can just learn to not expect it all to happen at once, how many more experiences of peace I’ll have along the way.

Peace is a state we all hope to achieve. I’m here tonight. I don’t know how long the feeling will last, but I am certainly going to enjoy it while it’s here. As I prepare for an evening of restful sleep, my prayer is that, you, my dear reader, will experience peace in your own life.

TIME TO THINK

I had a lot of time to think yesterday. I drove to Nashville for my annual post-Christmas celebration with my best friend and his wife, who live in Kentucky. Nashville is a more or less half-way point for both of us and has become a tradition for us. It was a little more than three hours each way for me, so I had a good amount of time to think and listen to music.

Most of my time on the trip up was spent listening to the Sirius (satellite radio) New Country Top 30 Countdown. Afterwards, I did something I must admit I haven’t done in a long time. I prayed. I mean actually spoke to God in a way I haven’t in quite some time. Certainly, there are many ways of praying, such as singing, writing letters to God, meditating, singing, playing an instrument. But this time was different. I actually took my thoughts, concerns and gratitude to God through a spoken prayer. It was such a peaceful time, although I felt at times that I was babbling, I took comfort in the fact that God knows what I’m trying to say even when I struggle to articulate my thoughts.

After arriving in Nashville, my friends and I visited and dined on a wonderful meal at The Rainforest Café, then walked around the Opry Mills Mall. The whole day was a great departure from the day-to-day routine.

As I drove back home, I listened to a little more music and it seemed in some ways, that the music was speaking right to the things I had been thinking about all day long. Where am I headed professionally, personally, and what is the status of my relationship? While I certainly don’t have all the answers yet, the stillness and alone time really helped to clear my mind.

Here’s my confession: I don’t know what my future really holds. There are far more questions than answers, but somehow, someway, I feel a good deal of peace. I believe with patience that all things will become clear, that I will understand the path I am to take to achieve things which lay ahead of me.

Maybe I keep rambling about all of these things in my life. If so, I apologize. The truth is the are just so many things going on in my life, that I don’t really know where to begin. At times that simple truth is discouraging to me. I’m scared, but I try not to let it show, but there, I said it. I’m scared. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of changing too much. I’m scared of getting in way over my head (if I haven’t already). The things that will get me through this experience in my life is the wonderful encouragement of my dear friends, my confidence in myself and my faith in the direction and power of prayer in my life.

CHANGES IN ATTITUDE, CHANGES IN GRATITUDE

This has been a week I thought would never end. By the time Wednesday arrived, it seemed that Friday would never get here, and now it has. It was just another ordinary week in just another ordinary life.

This week I was able to catch up with my good friend, Fritz. We often communicate over email or sometimes on the phone, but this time we sat down for lunch. It was a quick lunch, but we were able to talk and visit in person, something we haven’t done since last summer. Our visit reminded me to always be grateful for the gift of friendship. My friendship with Fritz is a special friendship. In fact, I count an email I received from him a couple of months ago as one of the most special I’ve ever received, as he was sharing thoughts with me about the changes going on in my life. I am so grateful for the friendship we share, although quite often not in person, it’s a blessing to have him in my life.

The weather forecast for this weekend is for snow and very cold weather. While snow would be nice to see, as I was walking to lunch today, I saw a few homeless people, and I thought of how fortunate I am to have a warm place to come home to every night. I know it is something that I absolutely take for granted most of the time, as I believe we all do, if we are truly being honest.

Here’s my confession: This week was rather ho-hum to me, yet I know that no matter how mundane my week, I have so many more blessings to consider than adversities. The key is to learn to keep my attitude in check. The key is to always keep a heart full of gratitude rather than grumpiness. I have so many people in my life who genuinely care about me. That alone makes me one of the richest people in the world. And, I am so grateful.

FINDING MY VOICE

So, I call my blog “Confessions of a Sunday Morning Organist”, yet, the thought occurred to me that I rarely write anything about music. For as long as I can remember, music has been a part of my life, even long before I was able to play an instrument. My paternal grandfather and several of my cousins on that side of the family were always very musical. I recall after holiday meals there would always be a “picking and grinning” session, involving the singing of old hymns accompanied by guitar and mandolin, and sometimes keyboard, as I have a cousin who plays by ear. I suppose that is where I get a great deal of my talent.

Music, whether instrumental or vocal, has had a transforming impact on my life. When I was finally allowed to take music lessons, I finally found something I could do. I had no athletic abilities whatsoever—to be honest I don’t even know how to play any sports and to say that I have a working knowledge of any sport would be a stretch, to say the least. But music, it gave me a purpose. It gave me something to strive for, something to be proud of. Within a year and a half of taking piano lessons, I was substituting as organist at church, shortly after that, I was accompanying the high school chorus. To a child like me, who had never had anything for which to be proud, these were huge accomplishments. Going to college, I majored in music quite by accident, but what a great accident it has turned out to be for me.

Here’s my confession: I will be the first to admit that I am not a perfect musician. I struggle with rhythm. I hit the occasional wrong note, but I’ve learned to let those minor things go. Often, nobody even notices those “mistakes” anyway. So, if they aren’t going to sweat over it, why should I? I am so blessed to be able to sit down and play the piano. Sometimes, if I’m feeling down, I’ll just sit down and play a hymn, usually “My Tribute”, which is my favorite hymn, and one of the few songs I can play completely from memory. Sometimes I can’t find the words to pray. Playing that favorite hymn completely lifts my spirits and is often more effective than a prayer.

Music has helped me find my “voice”, whether that “voice” is instrumental or vocal. I was a vocal major in college, but my first love will always be those 88 keys of the piano.

I am so very blessed to have been hired as church organist/pianist for my parish about a year and a half ago. It has been such an amazing experience for me. I continue to grow musically and to be challenged. There is no greater compliment than when a member of the congregation comes up to me thanking me for blessing them on a particular day with something I’ve played. I’m exactly where I’ve always wanted to be as a musician. I remember sitting in church with my grandmother as a ten year old dreaming of playing in church. I’m finally living my dream, and who wouldn’t want to be able to say that?

A NEW ANXIETY

With the help of medication and counseling, I have my battle with anxiety under control. I feel alive for perhaps the first time in my life. I no longer spend my days agonizing over ailments that might be, analyzing each little ache and pain, worried about events that may or may not happen. While those anxieties have been more or less replaced by peace, I find myself battling a new anxiety. The new anxiety is within me, and is the reinvention thereof. The new anxiety is in deciding and discerning the path before me.

With the fog lifted from my mind, I'm finding many things I want to explore, yet I know I can't possibly do them all. From fitness goals, music and education to hobbies, careers and finances, I am finding a bit of anxiety figuring it all out. There aren't possibly enough hours in a day to explore all the things I would like to do. Awakened in me is a curiosity and a zest for things I've never before known, and the opening of new chapters in my life. I find myself reinvesting in old friendships. I'm becoming a much more secure and independent person, doing things I would have never seen myself doing a year or more ago. Awaking each day, I am beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin. I find as I go through the day, I often walk a little taller, smile a little more. Is this what self-esteem feels like?

Here's my confession: I always thought that as I approached 35 I would have my life figured out. I figured that most everything in my life would be settled. However, I'm finding the opposite to be true. The closer I get to reaching that milestone in my life, the more my life is transitioning, the more it is coming into being. I have the past behind me to remind me of where I have been, and to serve as motivation to move me forward into a future of change. I must keep pressing on, reinventing myself with a dogged determination. I must examine the relationships in my life, change or eliminate those which are bogging me down, and surround myself with those who encourage me. The last six months or so have been an amazing journey for me, yet this is only the beginning. I can't begin to fathom where I'll be a year from now. This new anxiety within me is not necessarily a bad thing. It does not paralyze me like my previous anxieties have done. I must learn to slow down, take each day as it comes, put one foot in front of the other and grow to love the person I will become.

WEEKLY GRATITUDE REFLECTIONS

I pause again to look at the many blessings in my life. For some reason, it sometimes seems forced to do this each week, although honestly it is disciplining me to be more grateful for the blessings already in my life when it would be just as easy to ignore the things and people who make me blessed beyond measure. The difficulty truly comes in effectively communicating my gratitude rather than rambling on just to fill up space.

One of the things I can honestly say I am grateful for this week without even having to look too deep is my dear friend Truvy. She has started a new job and truly seems as on top of the world as I've seen her in a long time, despite other things in her life that are less than perfect. We've been able to spend time together again in the last week. I am so grateful for not only the quantity of time we've spent together, but also the quality of that time. I feel like I have my friend back.

As I've written earlier this week, I've forced myself to return to the gym. I'm taking it slowly, but making myself get back into the routine. In doing so, I'm mindful of the blessing of good health I already enjoy and how there are those who wish they were able to work out or even be active, and for whatever reason aren't able. That alone should be enough to motivate me to go to the gym.

I am grateful for yesterday's rainfall. How much we were in need! I must confess, however, that while I love rainy days and they usually put me in a terrific mood, yesterday's rain didn't have the calming effect on me. I was actually in a pissy mood because I was so overwhelmed with work.

Here's my confession: I could sit here for days and list the things for which my heart is most grateful and only scratch the surface. The truth is that I have such a blessed life. Even on my worst day, with my biggest problems, there is always someone out there who is worse off and would give anything to trade places with me. Sadly, this is true for most of us. Even more sad is that we don't have to look very far to find them. They may be friends or family members, or maybe the homeless person we passed this morning on our way into work or on our way to lunch.

Gratitude. It is such a simple notion, such a refreshing experience. It's the heart's prayer, and will transform our lives, if we are only open to it.

Y ME

Well, I've done it. I made myself go back to the gym. After at least a couple months' hiatus, I'm taking it slow in the beginning. I'm making myself keep a Monday/Wednesday/Friday routine. Eventually, I'll work back up to four or five days a week, but I keep telling myself that baby steps is the way to go for now.

In my hiatus from all things fitness, I've had time to think. Lots of time. Time to see people in the world around me--some who work out regularly, some who obviously don't. While yes, I'd love to have a firm, toned and chiseled body that men and women alike would drool over, I somehow don't see that happening. I'm not sure I have the dedication that kind of transformation would require. Of course, stranger things have happened. I suppose I'll be happy if I can lose
a few pounds, tone up somewhat and maintain optimal mental and
physical health.

I just don't see myself being one of those muscle studs you find gracing the covers of fitness magazines, no matter how hard I try. Maybe I should set out to prove myself wrong.

Here's my confession: I joined the Y nearly six years ago as for Lent. I pushed myself to workout five days a week whether I wanted to or not. I wish I had that kind of drive and willpower now. I wouldn't say I have a weight problem now, in fact most people tell me I look the best I've ever looked. Granted, they haven't seen me without my shirt on to see the extra lbs I'm carrying around.

With the transformations in other areas of my life, perhaps pushing myself physically at the gym can't be a bad thing, right? It's all about wing , truly motivated and pushing forward. It will require focus and dedication that I'm sure are just lying dormant somewhere deep down, probably underneath one of these rolls of fat that is about to melt away!

EPIPHANAL MOMENTS

This week we in the Christian tradition celebrated the Epiphany. Epiphany is the day traditionally set aside on the liturgical calendar to commemorate the arrival of the Magi to the Christ child. Epiphany itself means “appearance” or “manifestation”. Its meaning is particularly appropriate because the purpose of the “feast” day is to celebrate the revelation of God in human form.

Aside from the religious usage of the word, it is possible for us to have epiphanies in everyday life. They often come to us at unexpected times, walking down the street and some thought—or revelation will make itself known to us. It may be about a relationship, a job, or something completely out of the blue. However, when an epiphany strikes you, it’s undeniable. Epiphanies often confirm some thought or feeling we’ve already had, or reveal something altogether different.

I searched online and couldn’t find that “epiphanal” is actually a real word, so perhaps it is made up, but it seems appropriate to describe these moments of clarity and peace. One definition I found online for epiphany is “a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something.” Basically, a sudden “ah ha” moment.

Here’s my confession: I had an “epiphanal” moment this afternoon. I was walking down the street and a thought came to me. A year or so ago I purchased some blank journals to use as my prayer journals. Well, to be honest, lately my prayer life has not been as regular or as deep as it should be. So, I have these journals lying around. I was thinking as I was walking back from my afternoon break today how I could put those journals to good use by recording either my daily or weekly goals and then analyzing my progress. Upon further consideration, I was reminded of the scripture passage in Habakkuk which says, essentially, to write down your vision and it will come to pass. That is a powerful piece of advice. I’ve heard it said that writing down your goals makes them far more achievable.

I’m sure that moments of epiphany are all around us every day, if only we are open to them. Just being aware of what is going on around us increases the likelihood that we will notice these moments when they come. These moments serve to provide us with a feeling and confirmation that we are on the right track in life. The circumstance doesn’t matter. It could be about a job, a relationship, a major life decision. Epiphanies hold the power to transform our lives if only we are open. Epiphanies-moments of clarity, revelation, peace and transformation.

ON BEING GAY

"When did you know?" "How long have you been that way?" Those are just two examples of questions people have asked me upon finding out that I'm gay. My general reply to these questions is honest and straightforward. As simple as it sounds, I've known my whole life. I don't think I had a name for it, but I knew when I was in the second grade that I should be more attracted to a couple of cute little girls named Heather and Zoë than I was to a couple of the boys, (who shall remain nameless).

From my earliest memories, it was my natural inclination to be attracted to my own gender. Yet, being self-aware at that early age didn't make it any easier to accept. I endured years of name calling, bullying and self-loathing. In fact, by the time I reached upper Junior High, I was ready for a completely new start, begging my parents to allow me to switch schools. After my freshman year, my parents gave in and allowed me to change schools. I don't believe I ever told them why I wanted to change schools. I believe my argument was that since the school was smaller, I'd have better opportunities. While that, indeed, was true, my ulterior motive was to get away from the name-calling and harassment of my classmates. At the new school, things weren't exactly perfect, but they were better. I was only harassed a couple of times by a couple of the "jocks". However, I believe my academic opportunities were much more abundant. So, it all worked out for the good.

Add to the harassment at school the constant message I was hearing from the Christian community about how being gay is a sin, and you have recipe for depression, fear, confusion and, yes, self-loathing. I spent many years praying for peace in my life, that if God could take it away, that it would be taken away, I read everything I could get my hands on, watched every thing I could on the subject and finally reached the point where coming out was no longer a question of "if", but rather a matter of "when". I went to a Southern Baptist-affiliated college. After coming out my senior year of college, it became apparent to me that I would no longer be able to be a Southern Baptist. A week after coming out to my mother, I walked into a large United Methodist church in downtown Knoxville, Tennessee. It was there where I felt the very presence of God in a way like I never had before. The choral antiphon prior to the processional that morning was "The Best of Rooms", a somewhat obscure a cappella piece by Randall Thompson. The voices echoed throughout that Gothic-style sanctuary as though I had walked into the presence of God. I was at peace. It was as though God whispered "It's ok." I had found MY sanctuary.

That was nearly twelve years ago. The world in which we live today is much kinder than it was back then. Gay people are seen in all facets of life and young people are coming out much younger than ever before. As a society, we have made a lot of progress. Yet, we have yet to arrive at complete acceptance and equality.

Here's my confession: Being gay to me is as natural as breathing. I cannot imagine my life without my attraction to men. Anything less than that would be unnatural to me. It's not something I flaunt around and not something that I publicly announce, nor is it something I endeavor to hide. The debate could go on for ages as to whether it is because of nature, nurture, a combination, etc. Honestly, to me, none of that matters. What does matter is that I have peace with God, the acceptance of those who matter most in my life and peace with myself. There are probably as many answers to what it means to be gay as there are individuals. To me, being gay means being true to myself and embracing the person God created me be. There are a million stereotypes I'll never live up to, a few that I probably will, but at the heart of the issue is not what I do, it is who I am. I am a man who is attracted to men. I honestly don't believe it is something that I had a choice about. Who would chose to live a life where you are constantly judged, teased, and, in many cases, condemned because of being who you are? That's a no-brainer. None of us would. Instead, I choose to live a life of honesty, openness and integrity. Which is better? Openness and honesty or hiding your true self "in the closest"? For me, I prefer the former, and for that, I believe I have earned most people's respect.

GRATITUDE THOUGHTS

It is hard to believe that another week has come and gone. With this week we ushered in a new year. How much there is to be grateful for both within the year and week behind us.

Walking downtown today during my lunch hour there were several sights that really stuck with me. The first was a man with no legs, moving up the bunpy sidewalk in a wheel chair. After that man came an older lady crossing the street on her motorized scooter. As I was returning to the office, I passed an elderly gentleman with a cane, waiting for the signal to change so he could make his way across the crosswalk. These people helped me see just how fortunate I am to be able to walk, how they have overcome the obstacles placed in their lives. Their mobility may have been challenged, but they are each examples of perseverance and of something we most likely take for granted every day.

Something which may seem particularly mundane, but something for which I (and I am certain others) am/are nonetheless grateful is Miss Betty's Mac & Cheese. Betty is one if my co-workers and makes the best Mac & Cheese known to man. She brings her delicious dish to work a few times a year for special occasions. She brought some today to celebrate the birthday of one of our teammates. Without a doubt this is one of life's little pleasures.

I am grateful for a new year--a blank slate of hopes, dreams and promises. A new year, full of new opportunities for growth. Certainly tomorrow is not promised us, so I am grateful for each new day, for indeed it is a gift. I am grateful for the dawning of changes in my life and for the prospects ahead.

For the undying dedication of dear friends, who listen with open hearts and minds and offer unconditional love and support, my heart is grateful. The depths of such relationships are priceless, the support and advice are treasured. I am grateful.

Here's my confession: My pausing weekly to reflect on gratitude has really allowed me to take inventory of the people and things in my life which I perhaps far too easily take for granted. I am always grateful for those of you who take your time to read my blog and
leave comments. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey. This blog is part of my heart. I write it as much for you as I do for me.

REMOVING THE CLUTTER

Those who know me well would probably define me as “anal retentive”. I hate clutter and strive for neatness and order. To me, clutter in an outward manifestation of inward clutter. My desk is generally neat and orderly, and in my evaluation from my manager recently, she noted that my organization is one of my greatest strengths. Eliminating clutter is so empowering to me. Having a clean house, bedroom, work area, etc. are things I find essential to my personal productivity and peace. Perhaps it’s just a little bit of neuroticism on my part, but even so, I’ve always found it most conducive to my productivity to have everything in its place before I begin a project.

Finding a way to eliminate the clutter in my life is my “project” right now. As I move into a new phase of my life, a phase which includes asking myself difficult questions and making hard decisions. By eliminating the physical clutter from my life, things such as old momentos that have been moved around in storage tubs with me from place to place for years and years. These "things" simply have no use in my current life and I’m discarding them,little by little. Having physical clutter in my life, I feel, inhibits me from living up to my utmost potential. I’ll be honest, it’s easy to procrastinate and not do the things that need to be done. But, I’m reaching a point in my life where I have to move into action. Change is not going to happen on its own.

In addition to the physical clutter in my life—old books, notes, stuffed animals, receipts, unworn clothing items, I have a good deal of mental clutter too. Questions of whether or not I’m living up to my full potential, if I’m doing what I am supposed to do with my life, if I am living my true calling. There is also the mental clutter of decisions and discussions that need to be made and done about various relationships in my life, as well as financial issues, time management.

Here’s my confession: Ridding myself of the physical and mental clutter in my life is a priority as I press towards my goals of a productive and peaceful 2008. It is so easy to sit back and procrastinate about the tremendous amount of work which must be done. Yet, the rewards I’ll receive by removing the clutter far outweigh any benefits of procrastinating these tasks. The old adage is true, we always have time for the things we WANT to do. Remembering that and moving forward is the essential part.

REMEMBERING THE YEAR THAT WAS

With the year 2007 now a part of the history books, I look back and reflect on where my journey took me in the year and the changes that have come into my life. Becoming a homeowner was a major change I made early in the year. However, I would say that is not the biggest change of the year. The biggest change of the year is with me personally. Through the help of medication and counseling, I've been able to rid myself of a great deal of anxiety and have been able to focus on setting goals for myself. The year was, in a word, a year of change. In addition to being a year of change, it was also a year of growth. One friend described the change as though I'm coming into my own skin, like I'm finally becoming the person I'm meant to be. I'd have to agree. In most aspects of my life, I feel more alive than I've ever felt. I've been chronicling my changes for the last several months through this blog. While I've made a lot of progress in the last five months, I feel that this is only the beginning.

Fast away the old year passes, but I am resolved to continue these changes in 2008. I have many projects and areas of my life that I am targeting for change. I have very personal issues with my relationship to resolve, financial strategies to implement, educational goals to define and new interests and activities in which to become involved, all the while continuing to grow in the areas I've already begun.

Here's my confession: Keeping the momentum going itself takes a great deal of work. I have to remind myself of the mantra that anything worth doing takes work. As much as I'd like for these changes to just happen, I know it doesn't work like that. It is only by my calculated and diligent efforts will they be realized. Reaching a place of peace and happiness in my life is my ultimate goal. I'm very fortunate to have around me an amazing group of friends to serve as my support system. Having people to listen to me babble on and on about the same old topics and never bat an eye is a real blessing. I'm confident that I've only seen the tip of the iceberg. A year from now, when I pause to reflect, I expect to see a much more confident, decisive, secure and centered person. I may not have completely arrived by this time next year, but I'm certain I'll be well on my way. I believe 2008 will be one of the best and most pivotal years of my life. I am looking forward to my 35th birthday in July, perhaps more than I've looked forward to any birthday I've ever celebrated, as I believe that it will be a celebration of life, accomplishments and things yet to come.