EASTER WEEK GRATITUDE

I lie here tonight exhausted, yet feel that I must pause to reflect on my gratitude, as has become my weekly Friday ritual.

I suppose the thing that I am most grateful for this week are those people who are in my life who care enough about me to tell me the truth, regardless of whether or not it is what I want to hear. I am so fortunate to have several special friends who aren’t afraid to tell me exactly what they are thinking. And so it is tonight, in the stillness and quietness of this house that I express my gratitude for the blessing of honest and true friends.

I’ve been living a roller coaster of emotions the last week or so. Those of you who know me well, know exactly what I’m talking about, those who don’t can thank their lucky stars that they haven’t been privy to such private details of my life. Even with the roller coaster moments, there is a bit of peace inside me, as each day I grow a little more into the person I am.

I’m grateful for my counselor, who, even though perhaps really difficult for her, spoke the truth very strongly yesterday.

Here’s my confession. This week has been difficult for me on many levels. I just keep trusting that things are going to get better. I’m grateful for the openness that parker and I have shared.
I also confess this is a sloppy blog. I plan to return to blooging soon. Thank you for being so faithful to read it

GOOD FRIDAY GRATITUDE

For those in the Christian community today is Good Friday, the day in which we commemorate our Lord’s passion and death. It’s a solemn feast, yet, also a cause for gratitude. Gratitude, not just because of what our Lord has done for us, but for the freedom we have to believe (or not) in Christ, freedom to live as humanity, and the freedom of being an American, a privilege I’m certain we all take for granted more than we even realize.

This week, I again begin my gratitude blog by saying how thankful I am for the people in my life. I’m thankful for a new friend who has come into my life this week. I believe that Trevor and I are going to enjoy a good friendship. Meeting him has been one of the highlights of this week for me. I’m also grateful for those faithful friends I have who surround me each and every day, be they near or far. I do not know how I would have made it without the frequent calls from Fritz these last few weeks to check on me; the non-judgmental friendship I have with Truvy, who can read me like a book and make me talk even when I don’t want to; for G, who took some getting used to, but whose constant affirmations are beyond words; for Brandee, who, though far away, has been through very similar situations in her life, and is there to encourage me as I reach the bottom of the well to crawl back to the top again; for Lee and Jane with whom I enjoy a weekly conversation and for the ways they just “get me”, and for the package they sent me today, a mish-mash of goodies, that somehow, remarkably, in a way that only Lee can do, go together. Lastly, but certainly not least, I am grateful for Parker and the wonderful ways we have transformed our relationship from a couple to a friendship, for his being there when I need him, to listen, to encourage, to dry a tear or two if need be. He doesn’t read my blog, but I am grateful for him nonetheless.

I’m grateful for my musical abilities. Though they are far from perfect, I have been given wonderful gifts to use to touch other people’s lives. Holy Week has seemingly been a non-stop musical event, with rehearsals almost every night and Masses to play for Thursday-Sunday. Yet, I’m not complaining. I’m grateful for the opportunities I have been given, I’m grateful for the encouragement my church community gives me and I’m grateful that my prayers were finally answered and I was able to work in the church like I’ve always wanted. I’m grateful for the growth I’ve experienced musically over these last couple of years.

Here’s my confession: At times this week, I’ve had to remind myself to be grateful. I’ve experienced a wide range of emotions and tried to hold some of them in, keep them from showing to friends, but you can’t hide things from your true friends. Again, it’s often easier to take things for granted, to just breeze through life without pausing to reflect on the things in our lives, or if we do, it’s easier to dwell on the negative than the positive. I’m at a time of great change in my life. It’s frightening beyond words at times, it’s lonely at times, and it seems damn near impossible at others, but through it all, I’m grateful that I still have the will power to keep going, that each new tomorrow brings with it more opportunities to grow, to learn, to be. None of us know how many tomorrows we have left, so we must make the most of the present, be grateful for the gift and share our gratitude with others, even on days we feel like throwing up our arms and giving up

SCARED

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you will notice that I’ve not had as many postings lately. Some days, I must admit that it is difficult to summon the words to express my deepest thoughts. Today is one of those days. I’ve been in a funk all day long. So many things have been happening in my life lately. I find myself hitting many peaks and valleys. Questions haunt me daily. “Will I love again?” “Am I doing the things that I should be doing?” “What’s my next step?” “Am I going insane?”

I’m smart enough to realize that all the changes that are going to happen in my life aren’t going to happen overnight. I’m fortunate enough to have people in my life who really, really care about me. That makes days like today easier. Each and every day is a step toward the place where I am ultimately headed. Each day is one step closer to happiness, fulfillment, to love, to my wholeness as a person.

I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve had to myself. Yes, at times, I’ve been lonely. Yes, at times I’ve experienced panic attacks, but through it all, I’ve learned that it’s in these times of solitude that I am able to grow the most, to learn the most.

Here’s my confession: I’m scared as I sit here tonight. I’m scared of the uncertainty of the future, scared of journey getting me there. I’m scared to truly confess the things weighing most heavily on my heart and mind tonight. I’m scared to find out who I really am. One day, hopefully, in the not to distant future, the fear will be erased and be replaced by something so far beyond my comprehension or imagination.

GRATITUDE

It’s hard to believe the week has already come and gone and that it is time to pause again and reflect on the things in the week behind me for which I am most grateful. Since I’ve been doing my weekly gratitude blog, it has helped me to focus on the positive things in my life, even though there may be a plethora of negative things going on. Simply pausing and acknowledging my gratitude makes a world of difference in the way I approach my life.

I’m always quick to mention my friends in my blog who lift me up with their words, their actions, their prayers and just simple acts of friendship. I am blessed beyond measure with friends who show me each and every day just how much they care about me. These are the people who tirelessly listen to the same old stories over and over, and their dedication never, ever seems to waver. In what seems like a life of constant change, it means to much to have the stability of friends who are there to listen, who aren’t afraid to tell me the truth and whose ability to just be there for me each day is something I probably take for granted far more often than I care to confess. Through the “trials” that have been set before me in the recent months, I’ve found out who my true friends are, who to trust, who to call upon and those who are more fair-weathered friends, are not really friends at all in some cases.

I’m grateful for the openness which Parker and I have shared this week. Over the last several weeks, we had some very difficult conversations. We’ve both shed many tears, but we also share a deep love for one another, a deep friendship and are now reaching the point where we can be “real” to one another in ways we have never been able to accomplish before. This week was, at times, very difficult for us. Yet, once we were able to talk situations out and see things for the other’s perspective, we were able to gain clarity, understanding and will be able to make adjustments as necessary moving forward. While I’ve lost my life companion, or my husband, as I prefer to say, I haven’t lost my friend. I haven’t lost the man with whom I’ve shared the last five years of my life, and I’m confident—we’re confident—that everything is going to be able to remain in tact.

I’m grateful for my health, especially when so many of those who are around me are suffering from illnesses. I’m grateful that I’m becoming more focused on my workout routine. I’ve not totally arrived yet, but I’m a work in progress. Where I am today is a far cry from where I was two or three months ago, but is still a far cry from where I hope to be two, three or four months from now.

Here’s my confession: There’s always more to be grateful for than to bitch about. Being grateful is better for the mind, body and spirit. I’m grateful for the gifts and talents I’ve been given by God. I’m grateful for this gift of writing, for my musical skills, for the many ways God is moving in my life, for the many ways that growth is coming into my life. I’m optimistic as I look ahead.

I do find it interesting that none of my readers comment on my gratitude blogs. Maybe they are too deep and personal for anyone to feel like they can comment or add anything to what I’ve already. Most of the time, I do pour my heart and soul into the blog, especially my gratitude blog. And, so, tonight, I end my blog saying how incredibly grateful I am for those of you who take time out of your busy days to read this blog. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

GOTTA GET THROUGH THIS

The journey toward healing after the break-up of my relationship with Parker has been difficult, especially in the last couple of weeks. There are good days and bad days. I suppose the fact that we are still living and interacting with one another on a daily basis doesn't help matters, but I feel fortunate that we are still able-most of the time-to be civil to one another. Some ask how I do it. Why don't we just cut our losses, sell the house and truly separate? That's an easy question to ask and a difficult question to answer. I just don't think the time is right for us to do that. The truth is that I believe that we both genuinely still care for—even love one another.

I've spent nearly five years of my life with Parker. They were five of the best years of my life. It was during those five years that I experienced a tremendous amount of growth, self-awareness and peace within myself. Even though a while back we hit a rut in the relationship, I have to believe that the friendship and memories are salvageable. I certainly wouldn't be where I am today without Parker. Yet, those memories, shared experiences and, yes, indeed, love, that we shared, make this parting a most difficult task for me. My previous relationship lasted a little over six years, and was nowhere near as difficult for me when it ended. I've cried so many tears since reality set in a couple of weeks ago. I've experienced true grief, true pain and, at times, incredible emptiness. Yet, I'm learning every day, that experiencing the pain is part of the healing process.

Friends encourage me by telling me that I'm doing all the right things, that I'm going through all the normal emotions, that things will be fine, and assure me that I will love again. And, while I truly believe all of their words of support and encouragement, it's still difficult to see the healing that will come to pass. It's hard to believe that some day, I will give my love, my life, to another man. It's difficult to think of not having Parker in my day-to-day life. It's difficult to accept the fact that we grew apart as "husbands" and even more so, that we may have ignored warning signs along the way that perhaps we shouldn't have ever been together as anything more than friends in the first place.

Here's my confession: Though I feel like I've lost a significant part of myself in the loss of the relationship with Parker, I am comforted by the things I've gained. I've gained a wonderful family through him. His parents are absolutely two of the most genuine, caring and accepting individuals I've ever met. They continue to consider me as a son, and part of the family. I've gained a sense of independence, though that is still a work in progress. I've gained an awareness of the beauty and rewards friendship can provide, not only through Parker, but friends I've made along the way. I'm gaining, daily, a new sense of self, clarity, and peace. Parker and I are dealing with the situation in our own way. It's been an emotional journey for both of us. It's been difficult seeing him move on with his life. It's difficult knowing that some of the aspects of our relationship are now off-limits and cross the "friendship line". Tomorrow, we head for our first session with my counselor since the decision to break up. Time, they say, heals all wounds. In the words of the Daniel Bedingfield song "Gotta Get Through This", "I gotta get through this, I gotta get through this, I gotta make it, gonna make, gonna make it through, I'm gotta get through thisI gotta get through this, I gotta take my, gotta take my mind off you Give me just a second and I'll be all right, Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart, Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okayJust another day and then I'll hold you tight."

That's my focus now. I just gotta get through this. Then, tomorrow, everything's gonna be alright.

GRATITUDE

This has been a better week for me, as I’ve continued to heal from the pain of the breakup. It hasn’t been easy, and, I’ll admit, at times it has been extremely painful. I try to remind myself that we’ve done what was best for us, that the pain is only temporary and that one day, probably in the not too distant future, I’ll be stronger for having gone through this.

I am again grateful for the friends who have lifted me up during these difficult times, for your reassurances, your love, and beautiful friendship. I’m sure at times hearing the same old thing over and over and over has gotten old, but your tireless friendship means more than words can do justice.

I am grateful for the lunch I had last Saturday with Parker’s dad. I was incredibly nervous at first, but I was able to open up and really share the things that were on my mind. I’m so blessed to have such a wonderful “family”. I look forward to getting to know Parker’s parents better than I ever did while we were together.

I’m also grateful also for the friendships I’ve been able to reconnect with via social networking sites such as Myspace and Facebook. One such friendship I’m particularly grateful for the opportunity to get to know Heather, with whom I went to elementary and junior high school. She’s become a frequent reader of my blog. We’ve been emailing recently. I’m grateful for her friendship and encouragement. It means more to me than I can even express. See, when we were in school together, I perceived her as being so out of my league. However, her kind words about my writing and my situation have been such a wonderful encouragement to me.

I’m grateful for the dreams and opportunities that lie ahead. I’m grateful for time, and the healing that it is bringing into my life. I’m grateful for the gifts and talents I’ve been given. I’m grateful for the positive energy that is in my life, for the optimism with which I’m facing my life today. I’m finding ways to focus the negative energy I have into positive things, and that makes me feel good about myself…but more about that in upcoming blogs.

Here’s my confession: So much has happened over the last few weeks in my life and I could be angry and depressed, but I’m grateful that I’ve been able to make adjustments in my life. That’s not to say that I wish that some of the things in my life, or that I don’t hold out some sort of hope for things to change. But, as I go through the days, weeks and months ahead, I will take one day at a time and be grateful for the things that come my way.

PENNIES FROM HEAVEN

It’s something we’ve no doubt all encountered. Pennies. There they are—pennies, just lying there on the ground. Where do they come from? Some might say they are from Heaven, simple messages and reminders from our loved ones who have gone ahead of us. Syndicated advice columnist “Dear Abby” has for many years included stories from her readers about their experiences with these pennies.

It may seem hooky, even superstitious, but I, too, pick up stray pennies as I walk down the street, or wherever our paths may cross. I always look at the year, just to see if there is someone who may have died that year, or some other major even that may have happened that year. It often brings a smile to my face, regardless of the year.

Here’s my confession: Certainly, no one can confirm nor deny whether, indeed, these pennies are just randomly dropped by their careless owners, or whether they are messages from the great beyond. It seems more and more over the last week, I’ve come across at least one stray penny each day. Sometimes, the years may not really correspond with any major events I can recall, but sometimes, coincidence or not, the years do match with the death of a grandparent or some year in which something important happened in my life. That’s enough for me to believe. And hey, even if they aren’t “Pennies from Heaven”, as Benjamin Franklin said, “a penny saved is a penny earned.” Either way, it’s a winning situation.

I BELIEVED MY LOVE, I BELIEVED

I believed what we had would stand the test of time. I believed we would last forever. I believed, my love, I believed.

I believed in you, in me, in love. I believed in us.
I believed, my love, I believed.

I believed when the raging waters came, we would cling together and that we could weather any storm, my love.
I believed, my love, I believed.

I believed you were the one for me, that I was the one for you. I believed we were the halves to make one another whole.
I believed, my love, I believed.

I believed my heart would never break. I believed in a once in a lifetime love, a passion unmatched. I believed, my love, I believed.

I believed your touch, your smile, your embrace would heal every pain. I believed, my love, I believed.

I believed we would be a family, that we would create a bond that would find deep roots and grow. I believed, my love, I believed.

Maybe I was foolish to believe that something so perfect could ever exist, but still I believed, my love, I believed.

When we said goodbye, my love, I believed I’d be alright.
I believed, my love, I believed.

I sit here broken, confused, wishing for one more chance at happiness, my love. I believed in so much, my love, but now I’m learning that no matter the pain in my heart, goodbye, it is, my love, goodbye.

Even so, my love, I believe. I still believe.


Here's my confession: I did write that poem. Those are my deepest thoughts, contained in a poem. And, yes, I still believe.

LETTING GO

I have to let him go, get him out of my heart, my mind. You never know what you've got until it's gone. Breaking up was the stark realization to me of the ways I had contributed to the break up. A world of what-ifs surrounds me. What if I had not isolated myself for the last few months, what if we had been more honest and open with one another all along? What if I had learned to be an individual while being part of a couple? What if we had truly met in the middle? What if we had celebrated our differences rather than allowing them to divide? Analyzing the past surely won't contribute to a future with us. That doesn't mean that I don't still love him, that I don't, on some level, wish things had been different, that someday, somehow, reconciliation could happen.

Letting go of the person I've loved more than anything in life has been gut-wrenching. While we have clearly vowed to be best friends for life, a large part of my heart is broken. Even though I believe we've salvaged our friendship and a good part of our love and cherish our shared memories, I know that changes will no doubt come our way.

Here's my confession: You never think on the day you stand before your friends and families and make vows to one another to love one another throughout life that the happiness you share that day will ever end. Yet, the day comes, when you realize that your relationship hasn’t lived up to those vows.

As I’ve written earlier in the week, I’m grieving. Part of me wishes that we could work this out, and be happier together than we’ve ever been. Another part of me wants to just take the opportunity that lies before me and grow. Perhaps this experience has prepared me for something greater. Even though I’m in emotional turmoil right now, I know the pain won’t last forever. There are better days ahead. The tears will eventually end. And someday-a month, six months, a year from now, regardless of what becomes of my relationship with Parker, I’m going to be a stronger person, and, if nothing else, I’ll still have a friend in Parker. And, right now, I can’t ask for anything more.