SCARED

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you will notice that I’ve not had as many postings lately. Some days, I must admit that it is difficult to summon the words to express my deepest thoughts. Today is one of those days. I’ve been in a funk all day long. So many things have been happening in my life lately. I find myself hitting many peaks and valleys. Questions haunt me daily. “Will I love again?” “Am I doing the things that I should be doing?” “What’s my next step?” “Am I going insane?”

I’m smart enough to realize that all the changes that are going to happen in my life aren’t going to happen overnight. I’m fortunate enough to have people in my life who really, really care about me. That makes days like today easier. Each and every day is a step toward the place where I am ultimately headed. Each day is one step closer to happiness, fulfillment, to love, to my wholeness as a person.

I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve had to myself. Yes, at times, I’ve been lonely. Yes, at times I’ve experienced panic attacks, but through it all, I’ve learned that it’s in these times of solitude that I am able to grow the most, to learn the most.

Here’s my confession: I’m scared as I sit here tonight. I’m scared of the uncertainty of the future, scared of journey getting me there. I’m scared to truly confess the things weighing most heavily on my heart and mind tonight. I’m scared to find out who I really am. One day, hopefully, in the not to distant future, the fear will be erased and be replaced by something so far beyond my comprehension or imagination.