For so many months my momentum had been seemingly unstoppable. I was at a point of self discovery and growth like never before. Then, BOOM! Suddenly, it stopped. The relationship ended and I was thrown into a state of confusion, frustration and fear.
I have no idea where I'm heading. I'm not where I want to be professionally, personally or emotionally. There are times I want to just sit down and cry. Today is one of those days when I've been anxious, bored and on the verge of tears. I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point.
Last week Parker and I went to counseling together for the second time. At first, everything was going fine. Then, towards the end of the session, the counselor pointed out to Parker that things haven't really changed much for us-for all intents and purposes, we are still relating as a couple-running errands, dining out together, etc., basically everything a typical couple would do, minus the intimacy factor. She pointed out that as long as this continues, there will be no true closure. Parker may have moved on to a new relationship, but he still has me at home, essentially the best of both worlds. At first, I was taken aback by her words and Parker's feelings were certainly hurt. I felt a need to somehow run to his defense. However, I didn't. After talking the situation over with my closest friends, it became apparent that the counselor's words were true. Things must change. I've become more withdrawn in recent days, am seeking to build on my friendships and looking for ways to get back on track with my life's direction.
Here's my confession: I lack motivation. I’m somewhat depressed. I should be working out at the gym, but I can't seem to get that routine down. I have all but given up on mending my relationship with my parents. I've tried until the energy is gone. It is easy for me to sit here and look at things I want to change, but far more difficult to actually change.
I do take solace in the fact that mentally and emotionally, I'm far better off than I was this time a year or so ago. I have a much higher self-esteem than I did then. For the most part, though I am not completely satisfied with the man in the mirror, I'm more content with him than perhaps I've ever been. That is progress. Now, I just have to dust myself off and get my bearings as I embark on creating the next chapter of my life. It is a chapter full of hope and promise, and, I'm certain, its own share of joy and pain. The aim should not be for perfection, but for peace, contentment and joy-the gifts that others can help give me, but gifts that ultimately have to come from myself. And, I believe, it is in the journey, in the waiting, with patience, that these gifts will make themselves known.
I may have hit the wall for a period of time, but that's just a bump on the road to a much larger journey, and it's time to get back on the road…
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2 comments:
It doesn't feel like it, but you are at a place where the sky is the limit. It will take time - a lot of time - but you are in a position now where you are free to totally redefine yourself without the restraints you are so used to. You are no longer responsible to anyone but you - so you no longer need to consider Parker when you make changes. You are realizing you want to make changes professionally. You are at a "rock bottom" point - and the great part of that is that you can only go up from here!! You will find yourself, and you will see that you are as beautiful as all of us keep saying you are! Just go with it - it will happen soon enough. Love ya!
Ok-I'm going to throw something out there, so I don't say the usual "hang in there" thing...Be aware that your mood CAN be up to you, to a large extent. I don't want to get a controversial thing going here, and only you know what's going on inside of you, but when you're really bummed and don't ACTIVELY go about getting "un-bummed" then, to a certain extent (this is a very long run-on sentence...)you might begin to wonder if there's a certain charm you're finding in living in this state of "bummed-dom." Does that make any sense? What I mean to say, is that we all tend to live in emotional and physical states that are under our control if you're willing to look closely enough. (and I'm not saying it isn't chemical, either...) If you know that going to the gym makes you feel like a million bucks, and you consciously aren't making any effort to get there, what does that tell you? Maybe there's something you're actually enjoying (wrong word, but you get my drift)about this depression. Now-I'm ALSO not saying that there aren't things to be depressed about-I'm not saying that at ALL. I'm just saying that sometimes, we, as humans, like to wallow a bit before we decide to come out to see the beautiful sunshine and spring again. If I'm totally off-base, then ignore everything I said-I'm really offering a different point of view/possibility, that's all. It may not ring true for you at all. If it does, then listen to your heart about this, too. Just tossing around ideas...Love ya regardless!
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