Today was my first official day of vacation. I spent it in the presence of very dear friends, thought very little about work (that’s the purpose of a vacation, right?) and had an absolutely enjoyable day of entertainment at an amusement park.
While I’m on vacation, I can’t leave every single thought about my life behind, though I can leave most everything behind. There are a number of things that have weighed heavily on my mind in these last few days. In addition to my faith, which I wrote about earlier in the week, I’ve been thinking about myself as a single person. I made this same vacation trip a year ago. Just comparing the person I am today with the person I was then is astonishing. Fundamentally, I’m the same person, but deep down, there are some concrete changed of which I’m just so proud. I’m becoming more assertive, more focused, more of the person I want to be.
Being out of the entanglement of a relationship is an absolute blessing. Honestly, I have only myself to answer to at this point in my life, though I feel a need to be accountable to my friends. I may or may not take their advice (which, 99.999% of the time is what I should do in the first place), I am free to make my own mistakes, to learn my own lessons. That’s an absolutely positive experience for me.
Someday, in the not too distant future, I am hoping that the house will sell, and that I’ll be able to truly move on with life. I’ll be able to fully devote myself to hopes and dreams, obligations, friendships, and, maybe someday, probably when I least expect it, but hopefully a while down the road, I’ll open this heart and life up to someone else.
Here’s my confession: Looking honestly at where my journey has brought me thus far is incredible. The “down time” that I’ve had this week, and the opportunity to spend time with people who know me and love me the most has provided me with an absolutely priceless opportunity to pause, get away from my daily routine and focus on steering my life more in the right direction. I am blessed to have people in my life who don’t sugar coat what they think I should do, people who know my weaknesses as well or better than I, people who look at the whole picture while I am only able to look at chunks.
I’m so at a loss for words right now as I move forward. I have a long way to go. But, with each new dawn comes the opportunity to move a step or two closer to the hopes and dreams I’m now defining for myself. In the coming days, I’ll be breaking these hopes and dreams down to share with you.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
As I was sitting in Mass this week, I was there as merely a member of the congregation and not in my normal role as an accompanist. I was out of town and visiting the parish where my friend Denise is the Director of Music. I had the opportunity to really think about my faith. It really had very little to do with the readings, the music or the liturgy itself, although it all had a part. Actually, these thoughts have been bouncing back and forth in my head for quite some time, however, only now am I making the effort to actually sit down and sort them out in this manner.
My view of God has, I suppose, always been something that has been evolving, and something on which all of my friends agree with me. My view of God comes from a lifetime of faith. I grew up in a mostly Baptist family, at the age of fourteen was baptized in a Baptist church and went on to attend a Baptist college. While I was in college I had a great awakening spiritually. By the time I graduated, I had joined a United Methodist church and within another four years would find myself being confirmed Catholic. So, it is from a long line of spiritual traditions, mixed with my own beliefs, that I’ve come to view this force much larger than comprehension, God.
One of the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard was when I was attending the United Methodist church, when my associate pastor opened her prayer to “God, our Mother and our Father”. It was at that moment that something clicked. God is EVERYTHING. God does not embody a gender. God simply is. God is a Mother, a Father, a Sister, a Brother, a Friend, a Lover, and the list could go on forever, and still perhaps not even touch on the true nature and essence of who and what God is. I left church that day a changed person.
Spirituality has always been something I’ve questioned. Is Christianity THE only way to Heaven? Certainly I’m not an expert in the world’s religions, but I feel I have a good enough grasp on each of the basic concepts of the world’s major religious traditions that I can understand the point. It would seem that all the world’s religions overlap in their basic tenets. Seemingly, be we practicing Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism or any of a number of any of these traditions, have the goal of drawing us closer to the afterlife, to love one another and to devote ourselves to drawing closer to the “being” that dwells within our spirit.
Some of these concepts are hard to swallow. Some seem outright ridiculous. The ritualistic elements of some faith traditions may seem incredibly pompous and unnecessary to some, while extraordinarily comforting and peaceful to another. Speaking as a Catholic Christian, a “literal” interpretation of the scriptures seems off the wall to me. Still other Christians cling to each individual word. The truth of the matter is, probably none of us is 100% right, as it has evolved with the times and traditions throughout all of history.
So, why do we do what we do? Going along with the accepted “norm” is probably the main reason. We wouldn’t want to be thought unpopular or fanatic. However, once we get past all the labels, if we dare to take a long, hard look, we will likely find that we have more commonalities than differences.
Here’s my confession: The truth of the matter is that “religion” has evolved from the earliest of times. Arguing over whether or not the creation story is literal or figurative is futile. I believe in Jesus. I do believe, as crazy as it seems, that he did come to Earth, suffer and die to redeem me for my sins. Yes, it’s got to be one of the wackiest of all stories in all of history, but I believe it. Yet, on the other hand, I see absolute merit in the teaching of other “religions”. I have no problem confessing that I am absolutely, 100% a Cafeteria Catholic, picking and choosing the “Doctrines” that I believe to be beneficial to my life, to my relationship with the higher power. It’s a daily struggle to figure out exactly what I believe. It’s difficult. There are so many things to believe, so many voices to follow. Yet, I know that, at least for me personally, the practice of Christianity had made the most sense to me. It’s totally a faith thing. And, faith is not something we can touch. I haven’t even scratched the surface on this subject tonight. There will be more in the near future. I'll leave you with this thought...I think we all have more in common than we have diferences.
My view of God has, I suppose, always been something that has been evolving, and something on which all of my friends agree with me. My view of God comes from a lifetime of faith. I grew up in a mostly Baptist family, at the age of fourteen was baptized in a Baptist church and went on to attend a Baptist college. While I was in college I had a great awakening spiritually. By the time I graduated, I had joined a United Methodist church and within another four years would find myself being confirmed Catholic. So, it is from a long line of spiritual traditions, mixed with my own beliefs, that I’ve come to view this force much larger than comprehension, God.
One of the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard was when I was attending the United Methodist church, when my associate pastor opened her prayer to “God, our Mother and our Father”. It was at that moment that something clicked. God is EVERYTHING. God does not embody a gender. God simply is. God is a Mother, a Father, a Sister, a Brother, a Friend, a Lover, and the list could go on forever, and still perhaps not even touch on the true nature and essence of who and what God is. I left church that day a changed person.
Spirituality has always been something I’ve questioned. Is Christianity THE only way to Heaven? Certainly I’m not an expert in the world’s religions, but I feel I have a good enough grasp on each of the basic concepts of the world’s major religious traditions that I can understand the point. It would seem that all the world’s religions overlap in their basic tenets. Seemingly, be we practicing Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism or any of a number of any of these traditions, have the goal of drawing us closer to the afterlife, to love one another and to devote ourselves to drawing closer to the “being” that dwells within our spirit.
Some of these concepts are hard to swallow. Some seem outright ridiculous. The ritualistic elements of some faith traditions may seem incredibly pompous and unnecessary to some, while extraordinarily comforting and peaceful to another. Speaking as a Catholic Christian, a “literal” interpretation of the scriptures seems off the wall to me. Still other Christians cling to each individual word. The truth of the matter is, probably none of us is 100% right, as it has evolved with the times and traditions throughout all of history.
So, why do we do what we do? Going along with the accepted “norm” is probably the main reason. We wouldn’t want to be thought unpopular or fanatic. However, once we get past all the labels, if we dare to take a long, hard look, we will likely find that we have more commonalities than differences.
Here’s my confession: The truth of the matter is that “religion” has evolved from the earliest of times. Arguing over whether or not the creation story is literal or figurative is futile. I believe in Jesus. I do believe, as crazy as it seems, that he did come to Earth, suffer and die to redeem me for my sins. Yes, it’s got to be one of the wackiest of all stories in all of history, but I believe it. Yet, on the other hand, I see absolute merit in the teaching of other “religions”. I have no problem confessing that I am absolutely, 100% a Cafeteria Catholic, picking and choosing the “Doctrines” that I believe to be beneficial to my life, to my relationship with the higher power. It’s a daily struggle to figure out exactly what I believe. It’s difficult. There are so many things to believe, so many voices to follow. Yet, I know that, at least for me personally, the practice of Christianity had made the most sense to me. It’s totally a faith thing. And, faith is not something we can touch. I haven’t even scratched the surface on this subject tonight. There will be more in the near future. I'll leave you with this thought...I think we all have more in common than we have diferences.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
GRATITUDE 7.25.08
Tonight as I enter the confessional, I do so from a different physical location. Tonight I begin my vacation with and am visiting with my college friends, Lee and Jane. I’ll spend what promises to be a relaxing few days with them.
I’m grateful for the safe journey I experienced as I drove here. There have certainly been angels watching over me all week as I have driven. Last Saturday evening, I accidentally ran a red light. Luckily, the other driver saw me and we avoided a collision. Midweek, while driving down the road, a driver who was in the lane beside me, paying no attention to his surroundings nearly ran right into me as he was changing lanes. Fortunately, I swerved and avoided another accident. It’s times like this that truly make me aware that a power greater than myself is in control and that there are angels watching over me.
This has been an absolutely huge week in my life. As I wrote earlier in the week, I celebrated my 35th Birthday with several very dear friends on Sunday evening. I was so honored that these wonderful people took time out of their busy lives to accept my invitation and to come together to celebrate me, my life, where I’ve been and where I am headed. It was without a doubt the best birthday I’ve ever experienced and one of the most relaxing and happiest days of my life.
I also had the opportunity this week to spend time with Hunter, another very dear friend of mine from college. He was in Birmingham to present a training program to the county health department. We were able to have dinner together a couple of nights. It was nice to hang out and to spend some time reminiscing about things that certainly have long been forgotten—or things that should have been.
I’m grateful for the news that my company reaffirmed to us today, that they are very serious about their no layoff policy. While there is still a little fear in my mind and the minds of others with whom I work, we have been reminded how fortunate we are to work for a private company who takes its pledge to its employees very seriously. That means a lot in these trying economic times.
Here’s my confession: I have so very much for which to be grateful. I’m blessed far beyond measure. I have some of the most wonderful people in my life, people both from my past and present. As I’ve said before, and will no doubt say again, when I pause to take a good hard look at the things in my life for which I am most grateful, it is not the “Things” for which I am most grateful at all. Rather, it is about the PEOPLE who touch my life constantly with their love, their support and presence in my life. The older I get, the more grateful I am for that simple fact.
I’m grateful for the safe journey I experienced as I drove here. There have certainly been angels watching over me all week as I have driven. Last Saturday evening, I accidentally ran a red light. Luckily, the other driver saw me and we avoided a collision. Midweek, while driving down the road, a driver who was in the lane beside me, paying no attention to his surroundings nearly ran right into me as he was changing lanes. Fortunately, I swerved and avoided another accident. It’s times like this that truly make me aware that a power greater than myself is in control and that there are angels watching over me.
This has been an absolutely huge week in my life. As I wrote earlier in the week, I celebrated my 35th Birthday with several very dear friends on Sunday evening. I was so honored that these wonderful people took time out of their busy lives to accept my invitation and to come together to celebrate me, my life, where I’ve been and where I am headed. It was without a doubt the best birthday I’ve ever experienced and one of the most relaxing and happiest days of my life.
I also had the opportunity this week to spend time with Hunter, another very dear friend of mine from college. He was in Birmingham to present a training program to the county health department. We were able to have dinner together a couple of nights. It was nice to hang out and to spend some time reminiscing about things that certainly have long been forgotten—or things that should have been.
I’m grateful for the news that my company reaffirmed to us today, that they are very serious about their no layoff policy. While there is still a little fear in my mind and the minds of others with whom I work, we have been reminded how fortunate we are to work for a private company who takes its pledge to its employees very seriously. That means a lot in these trying economic times.
Here’s my confession: I have so very much for which to be grateful. I’m blessed far beyond measure. I have some of the most wonderful people in my life, people both from my past and present. As I’ve said before, and will no doubt say again, when I pause to take a good hard look at the things in my life for which I am most grateful, it is not the “Things” for which I am most grateful at all. Rather, it is about the PEOPLE who touch my life constantly with their love, their support and presence in my life. The older I get, the more grateful I am for that simple fact.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
BIRTHDAY REFLECTIONS
This morning when I woke up, my first thought was that the day had finally arrived that I’ve been waiting for so long. Today was my 35th Birthday. Normally, my birthday isn’t that big of a deal to me, but this year, I felt that turning 35 is a remarkable milestone for me. And, after the year of growth I’ve experienced, I felt it called for a celebration.
So, I woke up and things didn’t really feel all that different to me. So, it’s my birthday, big deal. It felt like just any other ordinary day. But this was supposed to be an extraordinary day for me. But, there were chores I had to do before I went to church, and I did have to play for Mass this morning.
Following Mass, much to many people’s chagrin, I met Parker for lunch at my favorite little Italian restaurant and had to come home immediately afterwards because FINALLY we had a showing of the house. The showing came and went. Then I had a little down time before time to get ready for my birthday dinner.
There were a few extraordinary things that happened today. While driving home from lunch, my phone rang. It was my mother. Yes, my mother. The one I haven’t spoken to in well over two years. I’ve told the story to a few people, and their reaction was almost unanimously the same: What did she say? How was it? Well, it went as well as almost any conversation with my mother has ever gone. And, in some ways was like talking to a stranger. After all, in some ways, after all this time, she is a bit of a stranger to me. Still, today, my 35th birthday, was the day she felt would be the day to reach out. I suppose I’m happy about that, because there is at least some form of contact now, yet, I remain a bit confused about how I feel about things and it may take me a little while to process fully. It will certainly provide me some fodder for upcoming blogs.
After a relaxing afternoon of well, just relaxing, I took a shower, got dressed and headed to The Summit, the large mall where my birthday dinner was to take place. I got there a little early, so I decided to walk up the hill to Barnes & Noble for a few minutes just to look around. As I made my way back down the hill towards the restaurant,
A smile came over my face as I walked out of the bookstore and headed to meet my friends for dinner. This is the day to which I've been looking so forward for so long now. And these friends were coming together for ME. To celebrate ME. Wow. It was a feeling that has me at an absolute loss for words.
Dinner was absolutely fabulous. Visiting with and being around my friends was wonderful. There was one friend who was unable to make it, due to circumstances mostly beyond his control, whose presence would have made the evening most complete, but aside from that, the evening went very well and was as well or better than I had imagined in my head.
Here’s my confession: Birthdays have never been to me anything more than just an ordinary day. This one, however, was special, is special. This was the happiest birthday I’ve ever had. It wasn’t about the gifts I received, though I’m most appreciative of them, it was about the people in my life. People who cared enough to give of their time to celebrate with me. It was the laughter we shared together, it was as though all my worries, all my fears, everything just stopped for those few moments in time. It was all about me. And that’s something I’m still getting used to. I’m happy. Very happy. And, as I go to take my rest for the evening, I do so with so much gratitude in my heart for the simplest of blessings. I’m so blessed to be surrounded by some very special people in my life. They don’t care that I’m sometimes silly, that I make a fool of myself a lot. They care about me. And, you know, I could lose it all, and as long as I have that, I feel like I’d be the richest man in the entire world. Happy Birthday? Absolutely the best.
So, I woke up and things didn’t really feel all that different to me. So, it’s my birthday, big deal. It felt like just any other ordinary day. But this was supposed to be an extraordinary day for me. But, there were chores I had to do before I went to church, and I did have to play for Mass this morning.
Following Mass, much to many people’s chagrin, I met Parker for lunch at my favorite little Italian restaurant and had to come home immediately afterwards because FINALLY we had a showing of the house. The showing came and went. Then I had a little down time before time to get ready for my birthday dinner.
There were a few extraordinary things that happened today. While driving home from lunch, my phone rang. It was my mother. Yes, my mother. The one I haven’t spoken to in well over two years. I’ve told the story to a few people, and their reaction was almost unanimously the same: What did she say? How was it? Well, it went as well as almost any conversation with my mother has ever gone. And, in some ways was like talking to a stranger. After all, in some ways, after all this time, she is a bit of a stranger to me. Still, today, my 35th birthday, was the day she felt would be the day to reach out. I suppose I’m happy about that, because there is at least some form of contact now, yet, I remain a bit confused about how I feel about things and it may take me a little while to process fully. It will certainly provide me some fodder for upcoming blogs.
After a relaxing afternoon of well, just relaxing, I took a shower, got dressed and headed to The Summit, the large mall where my birthday dinner was to take place. I got there a little early, so I decided to walk up the hill to Barnes & Noble for a few minutes just to look around. As I made my way back down the hill towards the restaurant,
A smile came over my face as I walked out of the bookstore and headed to meet my friends for dinner. This is the day to which I've been looking so forward for so long now. And these friends were coming together for ME. To celebrate ME. Wow. It was a feeling that has me at an absolute loss for words.
Dinner was absolutely fabulous. Visiting with and being around my friends was wonderful. There was one friend who was unable to make it, due to circumstances mostly beyond his control, whose presence would have made the evening most complete, but aside from that, the evening went very well and was as well or better than I had imagined in my head.
Here’s my confession: Birthdays have never been to me anything more than just an ordinary day. This one, however, was special, is special. This was the happiest birthday I’ve ever had. It wasn’t about the gifts I received, though I’m most appreciative of them, it was about the people in my life. People who cared enough to give of their time to celebrate with me. It was the laughter we shared together, it was as though all my worries, all my fears, everything just stopped for those few moments in time. It was all about me. And that’s something I’m still getting used to. I’m happy. Very happy. And, as I go to take my rest for the evening, I do so with so much gratitude in my heart for the simplest of blessings. I’m so blessed to be surrounded by some very special people in my life. They don’t care that I’m sometimes silly, that I make a fool of myself a lot. They care about me. And, you know, I could lose it all, and as long as I have that, I feel like I’d be the richest man in the entire world. Happy Birthday? Absolutely the best.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Gratitude 7.18.08
As I pause to right this blog tonight, I write it not only with gratitude for the week that has passed, but also for the year that has passed. This will be the last gratitude blog I write before my birthday, a birthday, a milestone to which I’ve been looking very much forward.
The week behind me was, for the most part, a rather uneventful week. I spent a great deal of the work week in training. Training was good. It gave me a little bit of a boost in confidence and gave me new ideas of how to approach my clients and service them more effectively. I suppose you could say it gave me a much needed spark and gave me a kick in the right direction.
The week behind me was also sprinkled with moments of disappointment. I was disappointed by some of the news I received throughout the week. A couple of people I had invited to my birthday soiree declined my invitation. One with a good reason, one gave me no reason. It’s part of life, though.
As I reflect on the last year of my life, I do so with so much gratitude as I consider where I was a year ago compared to where I am today. It’s been a roller coaster of a year, but, in spite of it all, I don’t think I would change one single thing. Every single moment, every single bump in the road, every moment of happiness, every tear, every smile, every wonderful moment has helped propel me forward.
Here’s my confession. It’s not always easy to be full of gratitude. It’s not always easy to look at the things at are going on when I’m in the midst of them and see how it was absolutely what I needed. I’ve been blessed, far beyond measure, to be surrounded by so many people who care about me, who encourage me each and every day. And there’s absolutely nothing more worth expressing gratitude.
The week behind me was, for the most part, a rather uneventful week. I spent a great deal of the work week in training. Training was good. It gave me a little bit of a boost in confidence and gave me new ideas of how to approach my clients and service them more effectively. I suppose you could say it gave me a much needed spark and gave me a kick in the right direction.
The week behind me was also sprinkled with moments of disappointment. I was disappointed by some of the news I received throughout the week. A couple of people I had invited to my birthday soiree declined my invitation. One with a good reason, one gave me no reason. It’s part of life, though.
As I reflect on the last year of my life, I do so with so much gratitude as I consider where I was a year ago compared to where I am today. It’s been a roller coaster of a year, but, in spite of it all, I don’t think I would change one single thing. Every single moment, every single bump in the road, every moment of happiness, every tear, every smile, every wonderful moment has helped propel me forward.
Here’s my confession. It’s not always easy to be full of gratitude. It’s not always easy to look at the things at are going on when I’m in the midst of them and see how it was absolutely what I needed. I’ve been blessed, far beyond measure, to be surrounded by so many people who care about me, who encourage me each and every day. And there’s absolutely nothing more worth expressing gratitude.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
THOUGHTS ON SINGLEHOOD
I am single. That’s not really news. It’s been that way for some time now. However, I’m becoming more and more comfortable with that status as time goes along. While I’ve officially been single since January, the transition to singlehood began about a year ago. The very thought of being single was anxiety-provoking. The idea of being alone was absolutely unfathomable, after all, I’m co-dependant, right? I can’t make it on my own. That was then.
This is now. I’ve “dated” a little in the last few months, but nothing serious, regardless of how “serious” I’ve tried to make it. You see, I’ve had a bit of an epiphany in the last few weeks as I’ve thought about it. Being single isn’t a bad thing. When I “suddenly” became single a number of months ago, my friends advised me to take a six month hiatus. Spend some time getting to be comfortable with me. I thought that was absurd. Now, in hindsight, I think it’s a brilliant idea. I thought “that’s too difficult”. Not so. I’m getting used to it.
Here’s my confession: As I’m getting used to being single, I’m getting more and more comfortable with who I am. I’m in no hurry to rush to another relationship. When, and if, another relationship is to happen, it will happen in time. And, if I’ve already met Mr. Right, then, if he’s really Mr. Right, he’ll still be there when I’m comfortable with myself. I’m leaning that truly I can’t love anyone else until I fully love myself. While in the entanglement of a relationship, I was not able to see some of the things that were clearly going on that were unhealthy for me on multiple levels. I lose myself way too easily. So, bottom line here-I’m comfortable with myself and I’m getting more comfortable every day. And, as I approach my birthday in a few days, one of the many things I’ll be celebrating is my growth and the peace I’m finding in independence.
This is now. I’ve “dated” a little in the last few months, but nothing serious, regardless of how “serious” I’ve tried to make it. You see, I’ve had a bit of an epiphany in the last few weeks as I’ve thought about it. Being single isn’t a bad thing. When I “suddenly” became single a number of months ago, my friends advised me to take a six month hiatus. Spend some time getting to be comfortable with me. I thought that was absurd. Now, in hindsight, I think it’s a brilliant idea. I thought “that’s too difficult”. Not so. I’m getting used to it.
Here’s my confession: As I’m getting used to being single, I’m getting more and more comfortable with who I am. I’m in no hurry to rush to another relationship. When, and if, another relationship is to happen, it will happen in time. And, if I’ve already met Mr. Right, then, if he’s really Mr. Right, he’ll still be there when I’m comfortable with myself. I’m leaning that truly I can’t love anyone else until I fully love myself. While in the entanglement of a relationship, I was not able to see some of the things that were clearly going on that were unhealthy for me on multiple levels. I lose myself way too easily. So, bottom line here-I’m comfortable with myself and I’m getting more comfortable every day. And, as I approach my birthday in a few days, one of the many things I’ll be celebrating is my growth and the peace I’m finding in independence.
Monday, July 14, 2008
A YEAR IN THE LIFE...
I’ve been neglecting my blog a lot lately. I’m going to make a better effort to keep it updated. There have been so many things going on lately, but my blog is very important to me, and the support that you, my dear readers have given me has been absolutely beyond words.
If someone had told me a year ago the progress I would make, I’m not quite certain I would have believed them. I started seeing my counselor a little over a year ago, and around the same time began taking my anti-anxiety medication. I began to immediately see my world in a completely different light. I followed the advice of both my regular doctor and counselor. That advice, along with a great deal of introspection and the help of my friends, I’ve arrived where I am today. And, where I am today is probably the happiest place I’ve ever been.
There have been so many changes over the last year. The demise of my relationship, putting the home up for sale, sorting out our differences, discovering who my true friends are, and discovering strengths I never even knew existed only scratch the surface of the highlights of the last year.
I’m still on a journey. I’ve not arrived yet to that ultimate place of peace, but I’ve caught some glimpses of it. It’s sweet place. I still have no relationship with my family, and am ok with that at this point. I’ve reached out. And, that’s all I know to do. I’m content with being single.
Here’s my confession: As I approach my 35th birthday on Sunday, I thought today would be a perfect time to reflect on the events of the last year. I couldn’t have done any of this without the help of my friends. Yet, I’m looking forward to even more avenues of growth as I reach 35. I have a feeling that it is going to be a great year for me.
I’m blessed far beyond measure. And, my dear friends, I think the story is just beginning…
If someone had told me a year ago the progress I would make, I’m not quite certain I would have believed them. I started seeing my counselor a little over a year ago, and around the same time began taking my anti-anxiety medication. I began to immediately see my world in a completely different light. I followed the advice of both my regular doctor and counselor. That advice, along with a great deal of introspection and the help of my friends, I’ve arrived where I am today. And, where I am today is probably the happiest place I’ve ever been.
There have been so many changes over the last year. The demise of my relationship, putting the home up for sale, sorting out our differences, discovering who my true friends are, and discovering strengths I never even knew existed only scratch the surface of the highlights of the last year.
I’m still on a journey. I’ve not arrived yet to that ultimate place of peace, but I’ve caught some glimpses of it. It’s sweet place. I still have no relationship with my family, and am ok with that at this point. I’ve reached out. And, that’s all I know to do. I’m content with being single.
Here’s my confession: As I approach my 35th birthday on Sunday, I thought today would be a perfect time to reflect on the events of the last year. I couldn’t have done any of this without the help of my friends. Yet, I’m looking forward to even more avenues of growth as I reach 35. I have a feeling that it is going to be a great year for me.
I’m blessed far beyond measure. And, my dear friends, I think the story is just beginning…
Friday, July 11, 2008
GRATITUDE 7.11.08
As I enter the confessional this evening I do so after a week of experiencing a wide range of emotions, stress, fears and questions about where my life, in general, is headed. I’ve been concerned about how bills, especially the mortgage, are going to get paid. I’ve been frustrated that after more than three weeks on the market, we’ve not had even the first nibble on the house. Everyone keeps telling me the house is beautiful and should sell with no problem. That’s a nice thought, but it’s frustrating that nobody has scheduled a viewing. On top of all that, I get a call from my very dear friend, Fritz, yesterday telling me that he has been laid off from his job. Certainly, that puts things in perspective for me.
In spite of the clutter that has been in my mind this week, the trials and tribulations that have been, I know, beyond the shadow of any doubt, that I’m blessed. I have so much for which to be grateful. I have friends who truly care about me. I have talents and gifts others would envy. I have a job. I have a little bit of money. I have a place to live. I want for very little.
Here’s my confession: I am grateful for these wonderful blessings in my life, the many lessons I’ve learned in the last year. This blog entry was actually supposed to be more about the events of the last year, the lessons I’ve learned, but somehow I couldn’t get my mind into it. I’m hoping that blog will come out in the next few days. It is there, rambling around in my head. Meanwhile, it is with gratitude that I close tonight’s blog. I am looking to getting back into focusing on this blog. Thank you for reading, for your love and your support. YOU fill my heart with gratitude!
In spite of the clutter that has been in my mind this week, the trials and tribulations that have been, I know, beyond the shadow of any doubt, that I’m blessed. I have so much for which to be grateful. I have friends who truly care about me. I have talents and gifts others would envy. I have a job. I have a little bit of money. I have a place to live. I want for very little.
Here’s my confession: I am grateful for these wonderful blessings in my life, the many lessons I’ve learned in the last year. This blog entry was actually supposed to be more about the events of the last year, the lessons I’ve learned, but somehow I couldn’t get my mind into it. I’m hoping that blog will come out in the next few days. It is there, rambling around in my head. Meanwhile, it is with gratitude that I close tonight’s blog. I am looking to getting back into focusing on this blog. Thank you for reading, for your love and your support. YOU fill my heart with gratitude!
Monday, July 7, 2008
FRUSTRATION
Ok, so tomorrow will mark three weeks since the house hit the market. I suppose it was an unreal expectation to believe that I would be dealing with offers at this point, perhaps even moving towards closing? Making an offer on the fabulous condo I’ve found? Moving a few more steps towards independence?
Instead, the three weeks have afforded me the opportunity to keep the house fairly immaculate, not a huge feat, but nonetheless, just something to keep me on my feet, on that off chance that we have our first showing?
With Parker now moved out, along with two of our cats, life should be a little simpler. Not so much. It would be, were it not for Mr. Pissypants, the cat, who insists on going to do his business in places where he isn’t supposed to. “Divorce” certainly takes its toll on all of us. Pets, I suppose, have a deeper intuition and maybe less of a capacity to deal with it. It’s just frustrating to have to deal with the stress of the cats on top of all the house “drama”.
Here’s my confession: I realize that the housing market is not exactly great right now, but my house is nice…everyone who has seen it has said “oh, you’ll have no problem selling that.” Nice sentiment. Thanks a lot. Yet, with no showings in 3 weeks, my faith is growing dim. Sure, it may take a few months, and maybe, just maybe, there is a reason everything is taking so long. Maybe the time is not right. Maybe it’s a lesson in patience. I don’t know. I just want to move. I want to get settled into my life. I’m scared, I’m frustrated and I’m dealing with it as best I can. Every new tomorrow provides me with a little more hope that that will be the day that someone, anyone, will come by and just have to have the house. I need a buyer or my ship to come in. I’m running out of the all-important $$$.
Instead, the three weeks have afforded me the opportunity to keep the house fairly immaculate, not a huge feat, but nonetheless, just something to keep me on my feet, on that off chance that we have our first showing?
With Parker now moved out, along with two of our cats, life should be a little simpler. Not so much. It would be, were it not for Mr. Pissypants, the cat, who insists on going to do his business in places where he isn’t supposed to. “Divorce” certainly takes its toll on all of us. Pets, I suppose, have a deeper intuition and maybe less of a capacity to deal with it. It’s just frustrating to have to deal with the stress of the cats on top of all the house “drama”.
Here’s my confession: I realize that the housing market is not exactly great right now, but my house is nice…everyone who has seen it has said “oh, you’ll have no problem selling that.” Nice sentiment. Thanks a lot. Yet, with no showings in 3 weeks, my faith is growing dim. Sure, it may take a few months, and maybe, just maybe, there is a reason everything is taking so long. Maybe the time is not right. Maybe it’s a lesson in patience. I don’t know. I just want to move. I want to get settled into my life. I’m scared, I’m frustrated and I’m dealing with it as best I can. Every new tomorrow provides me with a little more hope that that will be the day that someone, anyone, will come by and just have to have the house. I need a buyer or my ship to come in. I’m running out of the all-important $$$.
Friday, July 4, 2008
INDEPENDENCE DAY GRATITUDE 07.04.08
Today is the day that we Americans set aside to remember how grateful for our freedom, a freedom, I feel fairly safe in saying, is far too easily taken for granted. I know I, myself, am guilty of taking it for granted. So, I would be remiss were I to not mention my gratitude for the freedom I experience as an American. Many men and women have laid down their lives so that I can live under this canvas of freedom. Yet, what does it really mean to me? I mean, do I really give it more than a passing thought on this one day of the year? Honestly, I don’t. And, yes, that is a shame. Not that it makes it any better, but I think if we were to all take a good, long, honest look at ourselves, we’d all probably fall into the same situation.
As I consider the other things for which I am grateful this week, I am, as always, grateful for the people who are in my life. I’ve certainly said it before, but the greatest things in my life are not things. They are people. They are people who love me far deeply than I’ll perhaps ever understand. They support me, listen to me and care for me far beyond my wildest imagination.
The last week has afforded me the opportunity to begin a new friendship, to contemplate other friendships, and to truly live my life alone with Parker’s moving out. There are many blessings in my life right now. And, though most of these blessings are just beyond the surface and not extremely easy to pinpoint, I know they are they. I get frustrated that the house has been on the market for nearly three weeks and hasn’t even had a single showing. That’s ok. There’s a reason for it, and I’m grateful for it. When the time is right, when all the ingredients are in place, the right person or family will come along and make this home their own. And, that will be a wonderful day.
Here’s my confession: This day has been a little blasé. All my closest friends were either out of town, live out of town, or had plans with their own families, so that left me alone. I went out and had a quick lunch at a local fast food restaurant, did a little shopping, spoke to a couple of friends on the phone and spent the day alone. Was it what I would have chosen? No, but you know what? It didn’t kill me. I’m getting comfortable with being alone, with learning to get in touch with myself. I’m grateful for the many beautiful blessings in my life. I’m still in a great period of transition, and I’m right where I belong. And that is the heart of my gratitude on this, Independence Day.
As I consider the other things for which I am grateful this week, I am, as always, grateful for the people who are in my life. I’ve certainly said it before, but the greatest things in my life are not things. They are people. They are people who love me far deeply than I’ll perhaps ever understand. They support me, listen to me and care for me far beyond my wildest imagination.
The last week has afforded me the opportunity to begin a new friendship, to contemplate other friendships, and to truly live my life alone with Parker’s moving out. There are many blessings in my life right now. And, though most of these blessings are just beyond the surface and not extremely easy to pinpoint, I know they are they. I get frustrated that the house has been on the market for nearly three weeks and hasn’t even had a single showing. That’s ok. There’s a reason for it, and I’m grateful for it. When the time is right, when all the ingredients are in place, the right person or family will come along and make this home their own. And, that will be a wonderful day.
Here’s my confession: This day has been a little blasé. All my closest friends were either out of town, live out of town, or had plans with their own families, so that left me alone. I went out and had a quick lunch at a local fast food restaurant, did a little shopping, spoke to a couple of friends on the phone and spent the day alone. Was it what I would have chosen? No, but you know what? It didn’t kill me. I’m getting comfortable with being alone, with learning to get in touch with myself. I’m grateful for the many beautiful blessings in my life. I’m still in a great period of transition, and I’m right where I belong. And that is the heart of my gratitude on this, Independence Day.
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