GRATITUDE 8.29.08

Tonight I was driving home from running an errand and began thinking about what I would write in this week’s gratitude blog. Driving down I-459 I saw one thing clearly about which I’m grateful. It was the sunset. There are few things I’ve seen in life that are more beautiful than an Alabama sunset. It’s about the closest I’ve ever come to seeing the fingerprints of God.

Another thing I am grateful for is the man who works in the parking deck I use downtown. He’s an older gentleman, but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t wave at him as they leave each evening. I often wonder what his story is, but he always smiles and waves back. I don’t know his name, but it doesn’t matter. There’s just no way to not to be happy when he waves and smiles back.

As I consider the things this week that have brought me the most gratitude, there are so many things that come to mind. Mostly, though, I am grateful for life. I’m grateful that I have truly begun cracking the shell that is my comfort zone and I’m finding my voice. I’m so grateful for the progress I’m making. I feel like an absolutely new person. I’m grateful for the friends who nudged me in the direction of joining the gay men’s chorus. This is turning out to be the highlight of my week.

I’m grateful for glimmers of hope of reconciliation with my family. It’s an immensely difficult situation, but in the last month-plus, I have heard from both my mother and my Aunt. Courage will come to me in time, and the right decisions will emerge, as absolutely difficult as it is.

Here’s my confession: This week has been full of moments of absolute peace. Despite periods of indecision, I am probably the happiest I’ve ever been. This is exactly where I’ve wanted to be in my life. I’m experiencing joy, peace, contentment. Life is good, and I’m finally experiencing it, and that brings me immense gratitude.

GRATITUDE 08.22.08

I pause again to reflect on the immense gratitude I have for the people and things in my life. I've written a lot lately about the people in my life, the friends who have such a special place in my life, and, while I won't mention them by name again, I will say that these wonderful friends truly lighten my load.

I am mindful, as I write this, of the tremendous gratitude I have for the gift of music. While I'd be the first to confess I'm not perfect, I admit that I have been blessed with vocal and instrumental abilities that others only wish they could have. Sitting down at my piano, being able to play the instrument, having the knowledge, coordination and skill is something I'm sure I've easily taken for granted. I'll likely never be a virtuoso pianist and I likely won't even be giving a voice or piano recital at Carnegie Hall, but I am so grateful for the opportunities I have been afforded to share my talents. Accompanying at church is one of the greatest highlights of my week. Now that I've joined the gay men's chorus, I'm excited about using my voice again, the opportunities it will bring me and grateful that a group like this is exists.

I'm grateful for the path my life is taking, even though the twists and turns don't always make sense at the time, they usually end up perfectly clear in the end. I'm grateful for the peace and perspective that singlehood has given me. I'm grateful for the perspective that angry feelings have provided me in the last few days. Seeing situations in my life in a new light has taught me some invaluable lessons. People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. I'm grateful for those who helped me realize this tid-bit of truth. Enough with the condescension! I'm 35, not 3! I've let that go on too long. Finally, I've reached (or am reaching) a point in my life where being in a relationship, finding a relationship, is not my priority. Getting to know myself, feeling comfortable with me, however, is a priority. I believe when, and if, the time is right, a new relationship will happen. Until then, I am finding that my life is full of so much, and my gratitude overflows.

Here's my confession: One of my favorite scriptures is from the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes. It says "to everything there is a reason, a time and purpose under heaven..." I'm finding that is so true. Each new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. There are lessons to be learned from each situation, relationship and experience in which we find ourselves. I'm grateful for the lessons I've gleaned this week from living, from breaking down comfort zones and solitude. I'm grateful for the opportunity to live my life, to become a stronger person and see there's strength inside of me I didn't know existed. And you will probably be grateful I refrained from using the profanity I was tempted to use a few paragraphs up!

ONE MONTH

It has now been one month and one day since my 35th birthday. I've proclaimed this a year of growth. There's already been a tremendous amount of growth in the last year, but my goal is to not allow the growth to stagnate, but continue to grow.

As I reflect on the past month, I have had the wonderful fortune to be surrounded by so many wonderful friends. Six of my dearest friends surrounded me on my birthday, then a week later I went on vacation to visit Lee, Jane and Alexis. I also had lunch with Morgan. These people are at the very core of my closest friends. I'm also blessed by an almost daily conversation with Truvy, without whose loveand friendship I couldn't go on. While I spend a lot of my time alone, as long as I have these people in my life, I can never be lonely.

The last month has found me focusing intensely on spiritual and personal growth. I just finished reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now". This book is a MUST read and has given me such a powerful look at spirituality, the way I view my faith and has made me dig deeply on my thoughts. It is definitely NOT just a one time read for me, in fact, it may be a once a month read. The late Randy Pauch’s "Last Lecture" is a must see, as well. It will inspire you beyond words. His battle with terminal cancer and ability to never let the illness define him are awe-inspiring.

In addition to the areas of growth I mentioned above, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone by joining the gay men's chorus. I walked in the first night not knowing a soul, yet, this week, after the second rehearsal I am beginning to feel like it is exactly where I belong. It's a sort of brotherhood, and a wholesome expression of my music abilities and opportunities to grow musically, socially and personally. That surely can't be anything less than a win/win situation.

Here's my confession: Keeping the momentum going is not always easy.
But, I've learned that's totally ok. Hitting brick walls is not always a bad thing. I've learned that is often just a part of the process. Peaks and valleys are just part of the ebb and flow of living. So, I have a day where I don't "feel" any progress or "see" any results. No need to beat myself up over it. That's life, and I'm determined to live it more fully! I strive each day to be present, aware of the Now. I strive to be aware of, and express gratitude each day.

GRATITUDE 08.15.08

I've made it to the end of another week, a week that has, for the most part, been a huge blur to me. Nothing earth-shaking has happened, nothing incredibly out of the ordinary. Yet, even in an uneventful, simplistic week, I have reason to pause and reflect on the reasons for profound gratitude in my life.

Being a church organist/pianist can, at times, be a thankless position. The average parishioner probably doesn't know the amount of work it takes to serve in that capacity, how much I strive to choose preludes that are meditative, prayerful, contemplative as well as spiritual. I'll be the first to admit it, but I am not perfect, no matter how much I strive for perfection at the keyboard. Wrong notes happen. I'm human and that's ok. What touches me is over the last few weeks, choir members as well as parishioners have made it a point to tell me how much my music had touched them. Another thing that has really made me feel good is when I've told various people that my home is on the market, they ask if I'll still continue to come to church there. "Of course." is always my reply. "I'll keep playing until they tell me to stop coming.” That's almost always followed up with an "I don't see that happening" from the parishioner. I'm profoundly grateful for the opportunity to do what I absolutely love to do in the parish that means so much to me. Bring a pastoral musician is such a rewarding blessing to me, and the one childhood dream I've had come to full fruition.

I'm grateful for another opportunity in which I'm beginning to take a part musically. Although somewhat apprehensively, I'm in the process of joining the Magic City Choral Society, which is the gay men's chorus in Birmingham. Having not been a voice in a choir in some time, I'm looking forward to exploring this outlet and the experience it is going to give me by getting me out of my own self-imposed comfort zone. I'm grateful for being brave enough to take the first step, a step I hope to be in the right direction.

Where would I be without the wonderful people in my life? Nowhere. Many of my friends do not live close to me, but thankfully, the advent of technology has brought us all closer through email, facebook and cell phones. I'm grateful for the opportunity to get to know people from elementary school, such as Heather, someone I always looked up to, but was far too shy and felt too insignificant to ever be able to have a friendship. She's a frequent reader and often comments on my blog. It gives me a warm fuzzy to hear from her, and although it's been close to two decades since we've seen one another in person, I feel close to her through her own incredible blog and her touching and affirming comments on mine. I would not be here today without the beautiful friendship I share with Lee and Jane. They are friends to the end and have certainly seen me through the best of times and the worst of times and never in all these years have they ever faltered or failed me. For Morgan, my closest friend from high school, though our friendship was only casual until we were well into college and gotten out of our small town. One of my most treasured memories of my friendship with Morgan is when, in 1994, we drove to Knoxville together to see "Philadelphia" together, followed by dinner at Chili's. It was that night that I wanted, so intensely, to tell her I am gay. I couldn't utter the words to her. It would be another nearly three years before I could muster the courage to tell her. Today, Morgan is one of my greatest supporters and someone in whom I can always confide. We are always able to pick up exactly where we leave off. Morgan's parents are two of the most incredible influences and educators in my life, as well. Then there's Truvy. She and I have spent a decade together and life without her would be less colorful. Our friendship is one of those rare gems in life. Somehow, we are always able to "get" one another. She's certainly my "Grace" if ever there were one, and I'm her "Will" with a touch of "Jack" thrown in for good measure. G is like a mom, big sister and aunt all rolled into one. She brings to my life a unique perspective, and always tries to push me to be my best and encourages me when the chips are down. I know that one thing I can count on from G is that she will never tickle my ears with what I want to hear. She's a straight shooter with little if any wiggle room! Brandee and I go way back. The best way to describe her would be to say that she's my lesbian alter ego and voice of reason. Certain life experiences have been similar, and she brings to me a perspective I need, often to save me from my own self! Duncan and I went to college together, had a few classes together, but I wouldn't say we were anything more than casual acquaintances. However, through the miracle of cyberspace, I've connected with him through his very well written blog. A lesson I have learned from Duncan is that there's a side to people you may not ever see. I always thought of him as extremely conservative, rigidly religious and certainly not open-minded in the least. I assumed that he was a big homophobe. What I've discovered is that he is extremely supportive, not so rigid and has some brilliant thoughts. I wish I knew him better, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to know him as I do now. Last, but certainly not least on my list is Alexis. I met Alexis a little over a year ago through Lee and Jane. She's irreverent, witty and I think at times she's my heterosexual alter ego. Ours was an instant friendship, a deep connection and intensely rewarding. We are both pastoral musicians and both converts to Catholicism, ironically, we were both confirmed at the Easter Vigil in 2000.

What I've just described is a vibrant tapestry which covers my life. Each individual is essential in their own way, each individual has touched me, and continues to touch me in very profound ways. My gratitude is almost beyond expression. In life, we are lucky if we find one or two close friends who will be there in our darkest moments. I have so many. My cup certainly overflows.

Here's my confession: I am surrounded by so many wonderful and exciting people, places and things. Yet, if I fail to express my gratitude for the blessings in my life, what good does it do? I'm going through some major life transitions right now, and, thankfully, GREATFULLY, I have the love and support of friends. They don’t have to live next door to be close to me. As corny as it may sound, they live in my heart. And, as I continue to experience life anew, I’m reminded with the dawning of each new day, just how blessed I am. I’ve worked so hard on myself over the last year, but I believe I’ve only scratched the surface. I’m almost a month into my 35th year and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. Perhaps it’s because I pause each week to reflect on my gratitude, perhaps it’s because I’m focused, perhaps it’s because life is heading in the right direction. Whatever the case, my heart overflows with gratitude and peace.

CONFESSIONS FROM THE BATHTUB

That title may be a little bit of a tease and sound a lot more erotic than it actually is, but the title came to me as I was in the tub tonight.

The last two nights I have taken a soak in the tub, along with the jets and bubbles, in an attempt to relax. It was my attempt to steal away from the incessant cry of a neurotic cat, to escape the bills waiting for me to pay them, thoughts of chores needing doing, little things here and there that pass through my mind and seemingly a million other little things. Unfortunately, I haven’t been very successful in my endeavor to relax. I haven’t been able to still my mind from the things awaiting me after I finish. Instead, my thoughts seem to know I’m taking a bath—that I’m attempting to relax and they think it’s time for them to follow me to the bathtub. I’ve been inundated with a plethora of spiritual questions, questions of when the house is going to finally sell, why the cat insists on demonstrating his displeasures in the most annoying ways, where my life is headed, what I want to be when I grow up, if I've made the right decision about this or that or the other. Stealing away for stillness just hasn't been very successful.

Here’s my confession: One day, I hope that I’ll be able to take a bath, fully and completely relaxed. It’s one of my favorite things (see an upcoming blog of other favorite things). I just long for the stillness that I was hoping a nice tub bath would provide. I’ve spent 99.999 percent of my week absolutely inexplicably exhausted. I haven't any get up and go, and frankly, if I’m being completely honest, in a lot of ways "my give a damn" is busted. I’m sure that this, too, shall pass, but having just come back from a vacation only two weeks ago, I feel another week or two is needed. Surely, somewhere, beyond the cries of the neurotic cat, the thoughts of how, when and which bills are going to be paid, when I’ll be able to pack up my belongings and move there must be some place where stillness and peace are found. I’ll keep looking, you keep reading!

THE HOMOPHOBIC HOMO?

I am gay. As far as I am aware, I've been gay my whole entire life. That's not news, not even really even a confession, just fact. Whether you agree with my position or not is a moot point.

While I am comfortable, in most cases, with being out and gay, there's one thing I've struggled for years to accept-other gay men. Gay men run the gamut. There are the extremely conservative to the über flamboyant, and just like the rainbow that supposedly unites us, a variety of colors and shades in between.

I would say I fall somewhere in the middle, leaning more towards the conservative than the flamboyant, bringing out the lisp only on occasion, and then, only for effect. I'm proud, but not in-your- face. I have very few gay friends; I don't do the gay club scene. My life, in general, is rather low key, mostly drama free and uneventful. I go to work, go home, go to church, I pay my taxes and lead a fairly "normal" life.

I feel a great deal of acceptance from those around me. I don't make any great effort whatsoever to hide the fact that I'm gay. To me, it's always just an aspect of who I am, not the end all be all. I like the story I head the other day. Two friends were talking and one said to the other "What would you prefer to be called-Black or African American?" The friend replied "Charles." And so it is with me. I'd rather just be known as "Keller". There's no real need to qualify my name with my orientation.

And now there is tonight. After pondering all day whether or not to do it, I decided to go to choir practice. The Gay Men's Choir practice. I went back and forth today as to whether or not I would go. I almost chickened out and didn’t go. But, after the encouraging words of some close friends, I went. And, while the first few minutes I was a little nervous because I didn’t know anyone, but once we started singing, I felt more comfortable.

Here's my confession: I'm a homophobic homosexual. There, I said it. That's my big secret. Being around (some) gay men creeps me out. It's their flamboyance, their in-your-face attitude that gives the rest of us a bad name. We live in a better time now than perhaps ever before, in terms of acceptance. However, even with the number of gay characters on television, the number of "out" celebrities, it seems that it's still the negative that gets reported. Maybe that's the reason for my inner homophobia. I know I'm not alone, because I've discussed the topic with other gay men. Maybe getting out and exposing myself to other people, experiencing music with other men who happen to be gay, will help me combat my own internal homophobia.

GRATITUDE O8.08.08

Returning to work after a week of vacation is rarely at the top of anyone’s list of things they love to do, mine included. But, return to work I had did. I suppose there is a reason for gratitude, though. I did have a job to return to, there are many who don’t. All in all, it was a good week. I’ve spent most of the week in solitude, just me and the cats, and that’s ok.

I have so very many blessings in my life, so many things for which to be grateful. I often write about how grateful I am for my wonderful friends, and this week is no different. I have so many wonderful people in my life who truly care about me. That’s priceless. I’m grateful for reconnecting with so many people from my past through social networking sites such as facebook or myspace.

This week I’ve found myself on a spiritual quest, a little more so than usual. I feel a passion growing within me for things spiritual, not necessarily things religious, but things that cause me to grow. I’m on a quest for peace, understanding, a reconciliation of my belief system. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and a lot of introspection. I’m grateful for this development in my life.

Here’s my confession: I’m so grateful for the little things that have taken place in my life this week. The people, the things and the peace I’m finding in my life. I’m grateful as I look over at the cat lying beside me and I think of just how peaceful he looks. I’m grateful for the wholeness that I’ve found in my life over the last year, for the glimpses of the true me that are beginning to shine through.

There are days that I screw up and I fall back into my old ways, I have moments of self-loathing, of saying things that are taken the wrong way, I don’t think before I speak. I am grateful for people who know me better than the idiot who sometimes lives in me and makes stupid mistakes. I’m grateful for forgiveness. I’m grateful for talents and strengths I am discovering along the way.

Mostly, this week, I’m so grateful for life, for the opportunity to experience new opportunities and grow.

SUNDAY SCHOOL JESUS

Do you remember your first encounter with Jesus? It was probably in a Sunday School class or a Vacation Bible School. I remember vividly seeing the brightly colored pictures of this vibrant, happy man, Jesus, from the pages of my Sunday School quarterly. In my childhood mind, he seemed so simple, so easy to grasp. Yet I wonder, where did that simple Jesus go? When did he get so complicated? Today, Jesus gets lost in the shuffle of doctrines, ideologies and rhetoric. Who is Jesus? Certainly he has to be more than a story, more than words on a page. I consider myself a Christian, but if I'm being honest, I sometimes I pause and ask myself "why?". The Jesus I remember from Sunday School, the same Jesus we sing about in the great hymns of faith, the same Jesus who came to live among us as our redeemer, has gotten lost along the way. Yet, I suspect that in spite of the fact that our view of him has changed, I figure he's pretty much remained the same.

So, my more conservative, fundamentally-minded friends are probably going to find more reason to pray for my soul after reading this, and my more liberal-minded friends may think I've lost my mind. I fit somewhere in the middle, I think. I still believe in the Jesus from Sunday School. You know, the Jesus full of compassion, the one who healed the sick, and the one who performed miracles? But, as a Christian who has spent the better part of every Sunday over the last twenty years in church, I look at Jesus through a much broader lens than I did in the beginning. We are told the Bible is a book that is divinely inspired. I can accept that, somewhat. What gets me is the things about Jesus that aren't in the Bible. The Bible itself even says that there are things Jesus did that aren't contained in scripture. Is the Bible literal, allegorical or a combination of both? It's the great debate of all the ages. It boggles my mind.

A lot of times, I've been lackadaisical in my faith. I've gone through the motions with little action. It's comfy to sit in the pew, the choir, or even the organ or piano bench and just go with the flow. But, now, I look at the crucifix, and I study it with wonder, with question, with intensity. Who is Jesus Christ? How does he relate to me today or how do I relate to him? I recently made a mix CD for a friend and I included a lot of the contemporary Christian music from the '90s that had given me comfort. I had an encounter with Christ while listening to the music I had put together. Again, it was the simple Jesus that I know and love. But, I paused, and thought, how much of this is truth and how much of it is convoluted by man's opinion? How can I really get to know Jesus? Still, I found comfort in those old songs, the memories of days gone by, the faith I once possessed?

I've written before, and will probably write again, that I struggle with Jesus being the one and only way to heaven (this is where my conservative friends drop to their knees in prayer for me). Of all the world's religions, I see benefit in many of them. To me, being a Christian is a wonderful spiritual experience, and the way that I chose to express my faith. But, at the same time, I'm not so closed minded in my belief system to believe that there is an open and shut case for Christianity.

Here's my confession: The message of the Sunday School Jesus of my childhood was—is—simple. Love One Another. That's the greatest commandment. That's the crux of the entire Gospel. Why did Jesus come to earth? Love. Why did he die? Love. Why did he spend time with the unpopular people of his day? It was love. Love was surely the only motivation Jesus had in anything he did. I find myself often thinking of Christ and what he would say about the things we do in his name. Hatred and Intolerance have often been justified by his followers as what he would have us do. Look at slavery, segregation, and today’s hot-topic, gay marriage. What Would Jesus Do?

I find myself often looking up at the crucifix during Mass. My church has a “Risen Christ” as our crucifix. I’ve found so much comfort looking to that crucifix. I see the compassion depicted in Christ’s eyes, And yet, I wonder, what if we have it all wrong? What if Jesus is more complex than we have him made out to be…or more likely—what if he is more simple? The one thing that is certain, it would seem, is that you can’t but Christ in a box. He’s far bigger than any box. I’m not saying that there aren’t right and wrong in the world, and that we shouldn’t try to avoid “sin”, but still I’m left pondering the question, What Would Jesus Do? What would the simple Jesus from Sunday School have me do? Is he the only way, or just one expression of any number of ways? I quietly hear that Jesus from the pages of the Sunday School quarterly whispering “love”. Love is the answer. Go, now, in Peace to love and serve one another.

GRATITUDE 08.01.08

This week I pause to reflect on a great week of vacation. I spent most of the week visiting with friends. Being away from the normal day-to-day routine has been a very relaxing experience for me. Not worrying about whether the house is selling, whether I have cleaned out the litter box or not, if the bills have been paid, if I have my prospect lists turned in at work or any of another million other things I could find to worry about.

I’m so grateful for the time I spent with Lee and Jane in Kentucky, and the time that Lee, Jane, Denise and I all had at Holiday World. I’m grateful for the bond we share. I was reminded over and over this week at just how special friendship is. Having people who really care about me is just such a blessing. As I was making my way home, I had lunch in Nashville on Wednesday with my closest friend from high school, and spent the evening with a new friend of mine in Huntsville. Then, I made my way back home yesterday and have had a relaxing couple of days. Today I had lunch with a couple of friends, Truvy and Terrance.

Here’s my confession: The week has provided me a lot of time for reflection. I’m looking forward to a future full of hopes and dreams. As I’ve reflected on where I am and where I’m going, I am so grateful for the journey that has brought me this far. I am most grateful for the people who are in my life-people who will listen to me and my tired old stories over and over, people who will give me sound advice, people who care about me more deeply than I’ll perhaps ever realize. I am absolutely, completely, totally blessed beyond all measure. And, when I consider all that, a smile comes across my face.