RECONCILIATION: REACHING OUT

I sat down the other day and attempted to write letters to my parents. Much like the writing of this particular blog, I had trouble coming up with the right words to say. My mostly non-existent relationship with my parents, and extended family for that matter, leaves me scratching my head wondering what to say.

The main thought that comes out in my mind is the question of whether or not I truly want reconciliation and what that reconciliation would accomplish. Those are difficult questions. They are painful questions. I have no doubt in my mind that my parents did the absolute best job they knew how to do in raising me. The problem is that we are from different worlds. I can't relate to their world, and they certainly can't relate to mine. I don't believe that makes them bad parents, nor does it make me a bad son. It just makes us different.

The breakdown of the relationship didn't happen overnight. It happened over a period of time-months, perhaps even years. There were many little things that built up into one explosive email I composed and exchanged nearly two and a half years ago that led to awkward silence. I don't truly believe that at the heart of the issue is anything to do with my sexual orientation. I may be wrong, but my gut instinct tells me that it goes much, much deeper than that. It's a breakdown of communication from way, way back. We're just different people. We should be able to accept that and move on. But, pride and ego gets in the way. Those are huge barriers—not impossible barriers, but difficult nonetheless to chip away and maneuver.

Do I truly want reconciliation and what would it accomplish? In a way, yes, I would like reconciliation on several levels. I have faced the fact that neither my parents nor I are getting any younger. Our time on this earth is getting shorter every single day, it's one less day we'll have to make amends, to share our lives. Once we die, there's no hope for reconciliation. My biggest fear is standing there at the funeral home, looking at my parents' remains knowing that I didn't do everything in my power to bring about peace and knowing that there will never be another opportunity. Reconciliation is important because I'm their only child. Reconciliation is important because it is the right thing to do. What will reconciliation accomplish? I'm not so naive as to believe that reconciliation means that we will not have issues and that past hurts and resentments, etc are going to just magically go away. Yet, my hope is that reconciliation can create a dialogue, a bit of common ground. Peace. Reconciliation will accomplish a clear conscience in all our lives. It must be noted, however, that reconciliation and resolution are not necessarily one and the same.

Here's my confession: Opening up a dialogue between the present and the past is what must happen. Certainly, the most direct way of accomplishing this is to do the one thing I'm just not ready to do-pick up the phone and talk. I have to be honest and say that is one thing that scares me more than just about anything in the entire world. As much as I've grown over the last year-plus of my life, the one single area where I've not found peace and comfort in my life is in the relationship status with my family. Most people can't fathom such a rift. And, honestly, it's hard for me to fathom, too. But, it's also hard for me to imagine families who are so close to one another. Even still, I'll keep reaching out with an olive branch of reconciliation until the day it comes to fruition. Just like everything else in life, I have to be patient and approach it one day, one precious moment at a time.