DUSTING OFF THE BLOG

My blog has been sitting here, silent, collecting dust for a couple of weeks. The truth of the matter is that I've had a lot on my mind, but every time I've sat down to write anything, I've had a case of writer's block. So many thoughts, just stagnating there inside my head. Each thought, it seems, seeking a direction to flow, a solution to each question. Still, nothing comes.

I've been through a whirlwind of change in the last year of my life. I've ended one relationship, done a lot of work on myself as an individual and have found a level of comfort with myself that I have never known before. The most significant decision I have made over the last year is joining the Magic City Choral Society. Through this group I have grown beyond my wildest expectations. It has not only provided me a musical outlet, but a much-needed social outlet as well. I've been blessed with friendships, contacts and relationships I would have never known were it not for my involvement with this organization. When I first joined the group, my shell was just beginning to crack, but now, I feel so comfortable and confident around my peers in the choir. I love the camaraderie I get from this group. Because at my very core, I am an introvert, it takes me a little while to warm up around people. But, once I warm up, I am very comfortable around people. I'm so amazed at just how very close I've become to this group of guys. We are brought together by our common bond of music, and, for most of us, our sexual orientation. The product of that connection is a sense of community, and for me, a place where I really belong, a place where I can grow as a person, a musician and a member of the society as a whole.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have people in my life who care about me on many levels. I am in the early stages of a new romantic relationship, a relationship unlike any other I've ever experienced. I'm much more confident and less needy than I've ever been in a relationship before. That's a by-product of the growth I've experienced over the last year. Yet, at the same time, it's such a different feeling that at times my true nature doesn't know how to handle the changes. I have to constantly remind myself to live for today, to be present in this moment, for it is all that I truly have. It's difficult to not focus on the future of the relationship and to just let things take their natural course, but I'm learning. I'm learning to listen to myself. I'm learning to be—and that alone is a huge step in the right direction.

Sometimes the most mundane moments of our lives are the greatest moments of our lives. It's the smallest events in our lives that produce the greatest memories. Sometimes just sitting at the piano practicing, eating a bowl of ice cream or sharing simple moments with friends bring about the greatest experiences in our lives. While the 'mundane moments' may not always be the most comfortable moments, it is in the stillness of these moments that we most often grow. Life is full of complexities, questions, fears and uncertainties. Our response to these moments is what defines us. We can either wallow in self-pity or take things in stride. We can focus on the negative, the past, the unknown or we can live in the now, focus on the gift we have right now, at this present moment.

Here's my confession: Living in the now sounds like a remarkably simple concept, but in reality, it is an incredibly difficult thing to do. I've been so focused on the baggage from the past that I've been finding it not so easy to live in the present. It's so easy to focus on the flaws of relationships past, past hurts, fears and insecurities, rather than to live in the present with all its positive attributes. My life abounds with blessings, friendships and, in spite of the few negative things that are in my life, I feel like I'm heading in the right direction. I've come so far, but I know I've so far left to go. But, there's only one way I can get to the final destination, and that is one day, one step, one precious moment at a time. Music, sweet music, abounds in my soul right now. My spirit is dancing again. I am loved. I am loveable. And I'm finally starting to get that. Now, if I can just remember that, remember that I have friends who truly care, and that no matter how low I go, I'm not alone, and most importantly, to savor each and every moment as it comes, because that's truly the only moment I'm promised.