NEVER ALONE

There’s a song by one of my favorite musicians, Jim Brickman, called “Never Alone”. The album version has vocals by Sara Evans and the radio version’s vocals were done by Lady Antebellum. As I was composing an email response to a friend tonight, the song came to mind, and I thought of how truly “never alone” I truly am.

Even when I’m alone, I’m blessed to have a great many friends on whom I could call at a moment’s notice and they would come running to my side. It’s such a different world for me than I’ve ever lived in before, and it’s a good thing.

I find myself stressed, scared and just seeking direction in my life. I find myself asking questions, wanting so much more from life, yet not even knowing how to begin to tap into the things I want in my life. I’m tired. Well, to be honest, I’m exhausted—physically, emotionally, spiritually. And, while often I feel alone, I know that the truth is that I am not. I have a “family” surrounding me. That’s a good feeling. It brings a smile, peace.

Here’s my confession. I feel like I’m just wondering around like a dog chasing his tail most of the time. I get so frustrated by things in my life, different situations, and just feel like the problems will never find solutions and questions will never find their answers. But, somewhere, deep in my heart, I know that I am not alone. I know that I am blessed beyond all measure. What I really need to learn to do is to STOP. BREATHE. RELAX. TRUST. BELIVEVE. I’m not alone in this world, no matter how much it seems like I am.

CONTRADICTIONS OF MYSELF

I readily admit that I have many double standards, many contradictions of my own self. It’s really something which, of late, I’ve become aware. There’s no excuse other than insecurity—that one, my friends, will get you every time. And insecurity’s brother, jealousy is just as bad. Those “excuses” are about as lame as one can get, but they are true. I live by a different set of rules. It’s a struggle I face, an uphill battle I am fighting.

I have so many things going right in my life right now, so many friends who would, honestly, drop everything they are doing to come to my aid. I have a man who seemingly worships the very air I breathe. All is right in the world—or is it? No, it is not. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to give up that last little bit of control. There’s that part of me that wants to be able to call the shots. And there’s an even bigger part of me that knows that’s all wrong.

Here’s my confession: I have no idea where my relationship is ultimately headed. I have no idea why I do a lot of the things that I do. What I do know is that I’m living a life of ups and downs, happiness and sadness. My only saving graces are that I’m open and upfront with Lane about my double standards, and he so understands—for whatever reason. I don’t deserve any more chances, but I’m so thankful for the ones I’ve been given. I’m tired of the conflict within my own self. I’m better than this. I’m frustrated. But, tomorrow is a new day.

GRATITUDE 03.29.09

I have many things for which to be grateful as I pause for reflection this week. The week started with difficult news this week at work. While many of the businesses in my particular industry are simply folding, my company took a step that, while shocking to many of us, is better than the alternative. It was announced that we will be required to take a mandatory ten day furlough. I still have a job. By taking a slight pay decrease, my furlough days will be paid.

Tuesday I had the awesome privilege and responsibility of providing the music for my late friend Helen’s funeral mass. It was an incredible celebration of her life—a life she lived to the fullest—I’d say even to the very last moment of her life, when she died in an automobile accident only one week and one day after her 89th birthday.

I’m grateful for such wonderful friendships. I say it, and I say it often, but I wouldn’t bother saying it if it weren’t true. The people in my life make my life immeasurably exciting to live. Sometimes, I just sit in awe when I think of the people who have come into my life in these last few months. With many of them, the friendships are such a bond that it seems we’ve been friends for years and years.

I’m grateful for memories of the past, experiences in the present and hopes for the future. I’m grateful for glimpses of peace which continue to come into my life. I’ve a long way to go, but feel confident that I’m on the right path.

Here’s my confession: While I am often dissatisfied with my lot in life, the truth of the matter is that I have a wonderful roof over my head, I have friends who love me, I have many more things going positively in my life than negatively. I often have more questions than answers, and I’m learning that is not so much a bad thing. Often, it’s the memories we make along the way that mean the most to us in retrospect. I have a good life, despite the moment of doubt and fear that all too often creep into my life. I’m a work in progress, and it’s only through grace and gratitude that I’m able to find my way through each new day of life.

BALANCE

Finding balance. That's my new goal. In the last year of my life I've gone from being a virtual hermit to blossoming into a social butterfly; from being an extreme introvert to tapping into my more extroverted side. I've gone from having nothing to do to suddenly having lots to do. It's all part of the growth process I've gone through, and I won't complain, because I have a far richer life today than I did a year ago.

The problem is that my life is out of balance. I'm constantly on the go. I'm going from rehearsal to rehearsal, dinner to dinner and added to all that the responsibilities of maintaining my home, caring for my cats and maintaining relationships. I must admit, I'm really not doing a very good job of balancing all the things on my plate. I try to please everyone in my life, try to accommodate all that is asked of me. While I've learned the art of saying "no" to some parts of my life, I haven't learned to do it so well in others. This causes conflict with people in my life and within my own self. Sometimes I want to just "be". Sometimes I want to just be able to sit down for hours on end and play the piano...to really hone my skill. Sometimes I do want to be with friends. Sometimes I want to be alone. I have to strike that magical balance between pleasing others and pausing to do the things that I need to do for me.

I have to learn that just because I'm not at every gathering of my friends, that the world isn't going to stop spinning, the friendships aren't going to disappear and that actually taking time for me—totally for me—is not selfish. Taking time to recharge, re-energize, to regroup is not a bad thing. In fact, it's the healthiest thing I can do for myself.

Here’s my confession: I’ve always been a bit of a loner. I grew up as an only child. And now, as I’ve discovered new areas of my life, developed new friendships, it’s difficult to break out of old habits and want to be with my friends all of the time. It’s a real struggle for me, because what I really, really want is a balance in all the areas of my life. I’m growing and learning to stop and take care of what matters. As a natural introvert, I have to take time away and just relax in the ways that will allow me to recharge. Balance will come soon.

THE JOURNEY OF 1001 DAYS BEGINS...

Today I have taken the first step on a journey which will take me 1001 days to complete. I’m taking part in a project my counselor told me about. It’s 101 things to do in 1001 days. 1001 days is roughly equivalent to 2.75 years. I’ve been pondering for several weeks now, trying to figure out what goes on my list of 101 things. As I begin this journey, the list is not complete, but since I’m about a quarter of the way to 101, I feel confident in starting the project, because I know that as I journey along, I’ll discover many important things that belong on the list. The purpose of the 1001 days is to better myself and to push myself to new heights and in new directions.

Some of the things on my list are deeply personal, things I’m not sure I’ll share, while others are very simple. All of them share a common goal: challenging myself to grow spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and personally. Among my challenges are learning some computer programs such as Excel and Garage Band, others involve reading spiritual books. My list will run a wide spectrum, and I’m very excited.

Here’s my confession: Beginning my journey today has a little bit of irony in it, in that 1001 days from today is December 18, 2011. December 18 is a very important day to me—not only because 18 is my favorite number, but because I finished college on December 18, 1997. One thing I really love about this blog is that those of you who are reading it are telling me how much it means to you—how much it inspires you to take stock of your own life. I hope that my 1001 day project will inspire you to create your list of 101 things you want to challenge yourself to do. As Socrates said “The unexamined life is not worth living.” That’s what the next 1001 days are going to be about for me.

GRATITUDE 03.20.09

It has been an extremely exhausting week on just about every level imaginable. Yet, with all that has been going on in my world, there are many thanks for which to express gratitude.

Work has been very stressful lately…which new ways of doing things, higher expectations, greater accountability. Yet, with all the changes, I’m still grateful to even have a job at all. So many people are not as fortunate.

On Wednesday of this week, I received the saddening news that my friend Helen, who just turned 89 a little over a week ago, was killed in an automobile accident. I’m grateful for the life she lived, the lessons she taught and the love she gave.

Here’s my confession: I have a lot of clutter in my mind. I’m grateful for a little bit of downtime to process what’s going on. Fatigue surely won’t last forever! Work will return to a much happier place. I am optimistic.

CONTEMPLATIONS IN DISCONTENTMENT

Discontented. Unmotivated. Restless. Anxious. Longing. Fearful. Exhausted. Contemplative. Frazzled. Disheartened. Discombobulated. Those words begin to scratch the surface of how I feel today, and, actually, how I've felt for several days. There's a longing, an almost primal need I have for answers, for peace, for contentment. My world has been spinning around for a while now. It seems I, myself, have been caught in some sort of vortex for months. I've been blessed with so many people coming in my life in recent months. I wouldn't change that for anything. But, at times, I feel so out of control. I feel like I'm just swirling around. Could it be that I'm really an introvert caught up in some extrovert's body?

I wrote earlier this week of my need for some down time. What I think I really need is just time for introspection, time to feel like I have my life back in control. I need to sit down and look at the big picture and do some long-range planning rather than just going day by day. To some people, it's a crazy little quirk of mine, but sometimes just cleaning my house and getting things organized is enough to calm me down. It's the important little things in life that I've been avoiding for so long-finances, the what-ifs of the house selling, the setting of goals, ambitions. STOPPING. Stopping long enough to catch a glimpse of where I've been, where I am, and where I want to be. It's taking an inventory of all the things that are important and putting them in a category. It's about finding some semblance of peace in this crazy world. It's about planning for tomorrow while still living for today.

Here's my confession: I just want to take a breath. I want to find balance between all the things in my life that really matter. The "things" that matter in my life aren't all things. They are the people who make my life so immeasurably exciting to live—serendipitous friendships that I never thought I'd have. Even still, there are things that are important in my life-creating and sticking to a budget, eliminating junk from my life—both material possessions and mental clutter—that bog me down. One day, in the not too distant future, I foresee myself being able to do just what I've described. It isn't an option, really, because if I don't stop and regroup, I fear undoing a great deal of the hard work I've done to get me where I am today.

IN PERSPECTIVE

Tonight, I received news that brought a lot of things into perspective to me. It taught me a very real lesson in fragility of life. Just before we began our choir practice tonight at church, we received news that one of the elderly members of our parish had passed away as the result of an automobile accident. She turned 89 just last week, was at church each Sunday and always enjoyed playing her versions of “Amazing Grace” and “He Touched Me” on the piano each week prior to mass. She was alive, right there with us on Sunday. And now, today, she’s been taken from us. Her memory wasn’t the sharpest—she would always tell the same story about how she had been playing music since she was 12 when the nuns taught her how to play the pump organ. I suppose she never remembered from week to week that she had shared the story before, but it never stopped her. She was always encouraging me.

I only met her about ten years ago. I recall her southern accent as she would read the scriptures as lector. Nobody on earth could possibly say “The Word of the Lord” quite like she could. She was a faithful member of the church, had a sincere love for her God, and was involved in the choir until just a few years ago. She was a Sacristan until just a couple of years ago. She was a widow lady who lived alone and, while in recent years, her body was in pain, she persevered and continued to just keep on, taking life in stride.

Here’s my confession: Perhaps I’ve learned a lesson from my late friend tonight. Life is fragile. Live each day to the fullest. Overcome your obstacles. Who knows if we’ll be here tomorrow? Those we expect to be with us forever might just be taken from us in the blink of a moment. There’s a bit of sadness that this fixture of my church family won’t be there anymore, but a bit of joy that she is no longer in pain and is at rest. The lesson to be learned here is to live like today is your last day on earth. It may very well be, or we could have decades left. No time is promised. All the more reason to embrace the gift of life each new day brings us.

A LITTLE DOWN TIME

This is proving to be a strange week for me. I’m finding it difficult to muster up the energy to be motivated to do anything. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends for so long. I feel completely and totally overwhelmed by just about everything around me, although, fortunately, not in a way that is out of control the way it may have been for me a year or so ago.

Maybe it’s because it’s spring break and those around me are not motivated to do anything; maybe it’s because I’m just an introvert who hasn’t had a lot of down time lately. Maybe it’s a combination of everything. What I know for certain is that I relish my down time, being alone, doing my own thing, and not having to be accountable to anyone but me.

I think of the friendships I’ve gained in the last year. I think of how special they are, how they keep me constantly on the go. I think of how I live in a much more remote part of the city than my closest friends. I think of how the economy is having a terrible effect on my bottom line. I think of how I have the greatest of intentions every weekend to just chillax, and how, more often than not, my plans get changed.

Here’s my confession: I’m tired. I’ve overwhelmed. I long for just a few days of nothingness. Just a few days when there are no obligations that must be met, no expectations, no schedule to keep. Those who know me well, know that to say I LOVE organization is putting it mildly. Nothing could be more cleansing to me than an entire weekend of having what my father calls a TSA (Throwing Shit (Stuff) Away) Party. It seems that never happens, but I can still dream. I’m just a little down right now, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m holding out hope that one day, in the not too distant future I’m going to get the down time I need to lift my spirit, to recharge my batteries focus my energies on living. Funny, how I might just need a little down time so that I am not so down...

HOW COULD I ASK FOR MORE?

I'm sitting back, looking at the richness of my life and think of all the wonderful people and things in my life, and I'm reminded of a contemporary Christian song written and made popular a number of years ago by Cindy Morgan, where she asks the question..."How Could I Ask For More?" I find myself asking this question today. With all the blessings that have come my way, how could I want for anything more than I already possess? How can I possibly be so selfish as to want anything more?

I have a job. I have a home, I have people who deeply, sincerely, honestly care about me and my well-being. I have dreams that have come true. Still, I want. I want my house to sell. I don't want it to sell tomorrow. I want it to sell yesterday. I want my savings account to be as healthy as it was two years ago. I want to nurture the friendships I already have with the wonderful people in my life. I want to move to a more convenient location so that I am not so far away from my friends. I want to freely accept love from others and freely return that love to them. I want to let go of my hang-ups, to be able to live in the moment. I want to be a leader. I want peace. As silly as it may sound, I even want to be a better dad to my cats.

I want to find the fullness of my faith. I want to know God. I want to embrace each day with joy, and in doing so, know that I am touching the lives of those people in my life. I want to wake up one morning, years and years from now, roll over and look at my partner and know that I've spent my life with the man I was supposed to send it with, that I haven't settled in the least. I want my parents to know that beyond the hurt is forgiveness on both our parts. I want, even crave, simplicity, even amidst the chaos which so often is this thing we call life.

Here's my confession: I know that I'm on the right track. There are going to be those inevitable days where I hit a brick fall and feel like I've reached the end of my growth process. I know that, while I may not fully know it at this moment in my life, that, like Dorothy Gayle from The Wizard of Oz, I already possess within me everything I'll ever need to make my hopes and dreams come to fruition. I just have to remind myself on those days when I feel like I've reached the end of my rope, to tie a knot, dust myself off and keep focused on the prize. Each day I live is a new opportunity to grow, to be the best self I can possibly be. It's easy to sit back and want more, but really, how can I when I know that today, at this moment in history, I have everything I'll ever need? What I really need is to just be patient, let go, and enjoy the ride. How can I ask for more?

GRATITUDE 03.14.09

The week behind me was a busy one. I had some sort of obligation or event every night for the entire last week. I actually thought tonight was going to be a night of rest, but ended up attending an event at the urging of friends.

I suppose I shouldn’t complain about my being so busy of late. I’ve been very active, and very blessed. There are so many rewarding things and people in my life now that were not a year ago. I’m constantly amazed at the road on which I’m traveling.

Despite my often inability to filter my thoughts before they travel out my mouth, and that I struggle in many areas of my life, I am aware of the love and respect that people have for me, I am aware of the growth taking place in my life and I’m humbled to look back at my yesterdays to see where I am today, and forward to the tomorrows.

The last two days have been very grey days, cloudy and rainy—perfect weather for me. I lie here tonight listening as the rain hits the rooftop of my house, or as it hits the window outside. I also lie here with two cats who look as though they’ve missed my presence and affection. They do give some.

Here’s my confession: Though I’ve had a busy week, a difficult week, I’m grateful because the week was full of so very many blessings, time with friends and personal epiphanies. Lane and I continue to move forward with our friendship and undefined relationship. One day at a time. One day at a time… I just remind myself daily of the blessings which are before me. Every little trial will find its solution.

WHY I SING

This blog is a slightly edited version of an article I wrote fro the MCCS Board of Director's Newsletter, and I'd like to share it with you.

I recall my fear walking into my first rehearsal with the Magic City Choral Society Men's Chorus last August. I walked through those doors not knowing a single solitary soul in the choir and was battling a bit of my own internal homophobia. I sat next to Barrett that first night who told me to not be afraid, that this would become the highlight of my week. He was right. After the second week of rehearsal, I felt more comfortable. After a month, I knew that I was at home and had, as cliché as it may sound, I had a “family”.

I possess a Bachelor of Arts degree in vocal music, have played piano in churches off an on since I was in high school, and have been in choirs since I began college. However, in these last few months I’ve learned more about—and had more fun with—choral music than all those years of college combined. Our Conductor has a patience that few conductors possess. I believe it is that patience that makes the chorus such a success. Regardless of where we are on our journey as musicians, none of us is made to feel inferior or superior. Dr. Joseph meets us where we are. We are one in purpose, one in spirit and one as a chorus.

At my very core, I’m an introvert. However, within my first few weeks in the chorus, I had begun building some of the most amazing friendships I’ve ever experienced. My involvement with this group has absolutely changed my life in ways words will never fully express. The Chorus has allowed my path to cross with people I would have never otherwise had the opportunity to interact. I’m more outgoing, more alive and certainly more at peace with myself than ever before.

I sing with the Magic City Choral Society because it is one of the things of which I’m most proud in my life. Together we are not simply a group of mostly gay men singing together, we are a family. We are a brotherhood uniting our voices and our lives. We share laughter and tears together, we work together and play together. One of my proudest moments was performing with my “brothers” in our Christmas 2008 concert. Looking out in the audience and seeing friends who had come to support me made me swell with pride.

The Magic City Choral Society has had an impact on my life that is almost inexplicable. It constantly challenges me as a musician, inspires me as a person and gives me hope for bright future for our city, our state, and our nation. We have a vital role to play this community and I’m so proud to be a part of that today and look forward to being a part of it for many years to come.

Here’s my confession: This group is my world. I am proud to serve the group. It has absolutely changed my life in ways I could never have imagined. My life has ups and downs, but more often than not, when I’m with my brothers, I’m absolutely at home and all is right with the world.

ELMINIATING THE CLUTTER AND MOVING ON

These days I’m really all about finding ways to eliminating the clutter from my life. I’ve always been a list maker…and right now I’m in the process of making my 101 things to do in 1001 days list. Seems like it might be an easy task to just sit down, write 101 things you want to accomplish in a little over 2.75 years…but it’s not that easy.

There are so many areas of my life I want to improve. I want to learn things. I want to do things. I want to give love, to receive love. I want to explore parts of myself I may not even know exist. I want to challenge myself to do things that I may never otherwise have the opportunity (or courage) to do. I want to create a life for myself that when I look back I can say I am proud to have lived. There are deeply personal things that I need to accomplish, there are skill sets I desperately want to learn and, most of all, I want to eliminate the unnecessary from my life, but not only that, but to add the necessary into my life.

So, over the last week or so I’ve begun my list of 101 things I want to accomplish in those 1001 days. It’s a far more difficult task than I could have ever anticipated. There are simple things I could add like “set aside time to blog every day” or “pray”, but larger, more time-consuming changes do take time and lot of effort. There are things, such as reconciling familial relationships that could be on the list, or to define the meanings of certain relationships in my life that could and should be done, or to let go of past hurts, to live each day fully present in the here and now.

Here’s my confession: Each day I live, I pause at some point to reflect on the things in my life for which I am most grateful. There are frustrating moments in my life when I don’t have the answers to the things that are rolling around in my head. But I realize more and more everyday that it’s ok to focus on me, to focus on creating the life that I want to live. Learning to live one single day at a time is absolutely one of the hardest tasks I could possibly add to my list. In so many ways I’m sitting here at a crossroads with the freedom to go in any direction I choose. I’m absolutely in the driver’s seat. I’m taking (honest, pure, CLEAN) suggestions for things I can do to vastly improve my quality of life over the 1001 days and beyond as I seek to grow.

GRATITUDE 03.08.09

GRATITUDE 03.08.09

My gratitude blog may be short this week, but it is no less filled with a tremendous amount of love and gratitude for the wonderful things that are happening in my life.

The week behind me was difficult—lots of stress at work, new ways of doing things. I’ve had to step things up and step out of a comfort zone. I’m grateful for a boss who is not only a boss, but a mentor and friend.

I’m grateful for the friendship that continues with Lane. It is what it is…and what it is…that is something we haven’t defined. What we know is that we are happy and are being open an honest and you can’t ask for much more than that.

I’m grateful for my first foray into party hosting. Last night I had a wonderful themed party “Steel Magnolias” with more than a dozen of my dear friends in attendance. The party went off without a hitch, though I can certainly take very little credit for its success, because so many people worked so hard to help me. I’m grateful for the dear friends who chose to spend this night with me.

Here’s my confession: In a week with lots of ups and downs, I remind myself that I’m blessed beyond measure. I have so many intangible blessings that I could never even begin to count them. Thank you for being a part of my life.

HONESTY, GRACE, TRUTH, AND PHILOS

So, how did Lane and I get from where we were three weeks ago to where we are today? How did we get from a place of pain and hurt, of brokenness, of utter failure to the place we are today—a place without labels, a place of peace, a place of contentment and a place of renewed friendship?

It’s a question we’ve asked ourselves dozens of times over the past few weeks. It’s a question that no doubt has been a buzz in our social circle. And, really, the only good answer is Honesty, Grace, Truth and Philos.

We learned that being honest about our feelings was far better than trying to hide those the truth in order to spare emotions, it took a great deal of grace on both our parts to allow healing, being true to ourselves and one another and a true Philos for one another. Mending hurt feelings is a bit of a daily chore for us. But, removing expectations, labels and being open with one another have truly done something beyond our wildest imaginations.

Here’s my confession: I’m content now. I was afraid of losing a friend, but I think a friendship has been made stronger. Lane and I are adults. We can choose what we do with our lives as works best for us. There’s no need to tie labels to things, there’s no pressure to be something we are or aren’t. Perhaps our friendship, relationship, what have you, is a bit unorthodox, but then again, all of my relationships with my exes are unorthodox. The important part is maintaining a level of happiness, keeping the lines of communication open and just being honest. Because the truth, in most all circumstances, will set you free!

IN SEARCH OF GOD

It is that time of year once again when we in the Christian tradition celebrate the season of Lent. Historically, it’s is a penitential time in which we give up something or take on something on to discipline us as we prepare for the sacred celebration of Easter. It is with those thoughts in mind that I write about my search for God.

Recently, I’ve found myself in search of God. You may find that difficult to believe, being that I went to a Christian college, I’m a church organist and I go to church every week, that I would be searching for God. Church should be the place I’d be likely to have an encounter with God, one would think. Yet, for me, that hasn’t so much been the case lately. I’m there, merely as a spectator, and can rarely remember what the homily is about.

But, for me it isn’t about the homilies. It isn’t about the pomp and circumstance, it isn’t about the doctrines, the rules by which we are taught to live. For me, it is about an encounter with GOD. It is about discovering God—experiencing God in a whole new way. It’s about experiencing God beyond all the ritual, all the man-made rules, just a true, unadulterated experience with my creator.

God, to me, is neither male nor female. God is certainly simpler than our mortal minds can comprehend, yet, at the same time, so complex that we could spend a millennia debating the topic and never even scratch the surface. God is. God is love, God is peace.

I don’t believe God gives a damn who I love, as long as I love. I don’t believe God is out to get me. I don’t think God wants me to live by a rigid set of rules. I do believe that God is concerned with even my most minor worry and is there to listen to me if I only ask. I believe that God is, simply, Love.

Here’s my confession. I’ve spent a lot of time this week examining my thoughts and feelings about God. I’ve spent a lot of time writing letters to God (that’s how I pray). I want this Lent to be a special spiritual time for me, but not just a spiritual time, a time in which I truly begin to break through those things which create barriers between me and the all-supreme God. I’m in a valley right now. Even as I write this, I know that God is near. God is present. However, God is intangible. Yet, I still search…throughout these days of Lenten journey and beyond. I will find God. I will experience God.

WHAT AM I DOING TO LIVE LIFE WITH PASSION, HEALTH AND ENERGY?

This is the last question in my series of six questions I found on a website about how to get more out of life.

I've often said that playing the piano is my greatest passion in life. It doesn't matter to me that I'm not the world's greatest pianist—I'll certainly never be a finalist in a Van Clibrun competition. I get enjoyment and find much passion from playing the piano and from sharing my art with others. I'm probably better than I give myself credit, but we are often our own worst critic. My other passion is the people in my life who provide so much enrichment to me. I am blessed beyond measure with relationships which bring to me so much laughter and joy. The relationships bring so much love to me—love unexpected.

I don't work out as often as I should. The wii fit balance board sits there next to the TV stand gathering dust. Oh, I have the best of intentions. I'm going to get up earlier and start working out each morning. However, the warm bed and a few more minutes of sleep always win out in the end. So, in a physical sense, I'm not doing a lot to keep myself healthy. Mentally, however, I'm working very hard to grow and overcome fears, frustrations and hang-ups. I do this by taking my medication and taking the advice of my counselor. I've come a long way in the last couple of years, but I must keep going. I am learning to set boundaries in my life, learning it's ok to say no and learning to let go of baggage. There's only so much you can do sometimes—and there comes the time you have to just accept things as they are and say "it is what it is." You get up, you dust yourself off and move on with life. That not only provides mental health, but also leads me into the next part of the question—energy. See, freeing myself up from the things that are holding me back mentally, emotionally and allowing the healing to come to me in that area of life frees up a tremendous amount of energy. When I reached the point of letting go of the things that are holding me back, I found valuable time, precious energy and happiness—a happiness found only in contentment with myself.

Here's my confession: These six questions have caused a lot of introspection for me. I hope they have caused a lot for you, my reader, as well. I've found most of them to be very difficult to write, simply because I didn't know exactly how to approach each of these topics. Yet, in writing them, I've found a tremendous amount of knowledge about myself. In writing them, I've let you into my life more deeply, while I've only scratched the surface. I'm on a road right now that is leading to lots of wonderful changes in my life. I'm on a road to discovery, to happiness and to freedom within. I have a magnet at my desk that says "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about CREATING yourself." That's the road I'm on...the road that leads to creation of a better me—and, in turn, a better friend, a better servant, a better employee and a better human. Stay tuned. I have a feeling I'm just getting started.

AM I AS GOOD A PERSON AS I WANT TO BE?

Today a friend told me that people really do like me. It’s nice to have that reassurance, because I’ve never really felt like I actually make a difference in people’s lives, or that people really care.

I feel at times because of the division between my parents and me that I have failed as a son. However, while I know that although I’ve done some things to cause the division, I also know that I have reached out with cards and letters. Have I been as good a son as I want to be? No, I haven’t, but I’ve tried.

In other areas of my life, I try to be the kind of friend a friend would want to have. Sometimes, I’m certain I fail at that task miserably, but my friends are precious gifts to me. I feel it necessary to be there for them as much as I can, whether it is my physical presence or just a phone call, a chat online, I try to be available.

I work downtown, so I see people less fortunate than I am every single day. I work near a homeless shelter and have to pass in front of another homeless agency on my way to lunch or the bank. I’m often approached and asked for change, money, etc. And, no, I don’t give. At times I feel like a cold hearted person, wondering how I would feel were I in that person’s situation. I wonder, what IF that really was Christ appearing to me? But still, I go on. I go on as if they never approached me. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. I think it makes me human.

Here’s my confession: I strive to be a good person. I believe that we all do. I don’t think most people set out to be “bad”, but I think that we all fall short of the goals we have to be as good as we wish we were. I, myself, hate conflict. I don’t deal with it well at all. I don’t like the fact that my parents and I do not have a relationship. I don’t like that sometimes I say things before I think them through. I don’t like thinking that something I’ve done has caused another person pain. But, I believe that while we all have room for improvement in all areas of our lives, that I am the best me today that I know how to be. And, as long as I continue to strive to be that person, that friend, that son that I know I should be, I’m truly being as good a person as I want to be.