Discontented. Unmotivated. Restless. Anxious. Longing. Fearful. Exhausted. Contemplative. Frazzled. Disheartened. Discombobulated. Those words begin to scratch the surface of how I feel today, and, actually, how I've felt for several days. There's a longing, an almost primal need I have for answers, for peace, for contentment. My world has been spinning around for a while now. It seems I, myself, have been caught in some sort of vortex for months. I've been blessed with so many people coming in my life in recent months. I wouldn't change that for anything. But, at times, I feel so out of control. I feel like I'm just swirling around. Could it be that I'm really an introvert caught up in some extrovert's body?
I wrote earlier this week of my need for some down time. What I think I really need is just time for introspection, time to feel like I have my life back in control. I need to sit down and look at the big picture and do some long-range planning rather than just going day by day. To some people, it's a crazy little quirk of mine, but sometimes just cleaning my house and getting things organized is enough to calm me down. It's the important little things in life that I've been avoiding for so long-finances, the what-ifs of the house selling, the setting of goals, ambitions. STOPPING. Stopping long enough to catch a glimpse of where I've been, where I am, and where I want to be. It's taking an inventory of all the things that are important and putting them in a category. It's about finding some semblance of peace in this crazy world. It's about planning for tomorrow while still living for today.
Here's my confession: I just want to take a breath. I want to find balance between all the things in my life that really matter. The "things" that matter in my life aren't all things. They are the people who make my life so immeasurably exciting to live—serendipitous friendships that I never thought I'd have. Even still, there are things that are important in my life-creating and sticking to a budget, eliminating junk from my life—both material possessions and mental clutter—that bog me down. One day, in the not too distant future, I foresee myself being able to do just what I've described. It isn't an option, really, because if I don't stop and regroup, I fear undoing a great deal of the hard work I've done to get me where I am today.
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'Planning for tomorrow while still living for today' is a wonderful line. That says in a few words what we should all strive to do with our lives. We all walk a delicate balance in making sure we don't overtax ourselves while also not missing out on all the wonders there are to taste in this world. As I've read your blog from the beginning I was amazed at all the positive changes you have made. I don't see them coming undone.
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