CONSIDER THE LILIES

“Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. “So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” The Gospel of Matthew 6:25-34

This has to be one of the most reassuring passages of scripture and contains lessons we should take to heart, especially in these trying economic and personal times. It’s been something I’ve really been trying to implement in my life over the last year or so. On Sunday, I didn’t had the off from playing for church, so I visited Lane’s church, and it just so happens this was the Gospel reading for the day. It has resonated even more within me this week, as I’ve struggled to deal with my own personal issues, fears, frustrations and insecurities.

One of the most powerful books I’ve ever read is Eckert Tolle’s “The Power of Now”. This scriptural passage is essentially what the entire book is all about. It’s about living in the present—the now, which is, essentially, all we have. It is so easy to loose sight of that when there are thousands of little things every day that are coming our way, weighing us down—how will we pay the bills? How secure are our jobs? What about the relationships in our lives?

To think that there is a Supreme source out there who cares for us more than the lilies of the field is an incredible, mind-blowing concept to grasp. It’s so simple in theory, so difficult to accept, to process.

Here’s my confession: I have lots of fears these days, and am battling anxiety like I haven’t in quite some time. I’m trying to remind myself to “consider the lilies”…to not sweat the small stuff. I struggle with what I truly believe spiritually. I struggle with worries about finances, relationships, and it seems there are always more questions than answers. On top of all that, this week has found me being exhausted beyond my wildest imagination. The lilies. They don’t toil or spin, and yet, there’s not a king with more splendor than them. I just have to remember that!

GRATITUDE 04.24.09

What a week! Hectic, Stressful, Surreal, Tiresome. Those are just SOME of the words I could use to describe the week I just went through. Yet, I’ve survived.

I find myself, as do most of us, under a great amount of work stress these days, as the economy is in the tank, the pressure is on to keep my job, to prove what I’m worth. That’s so stressful and really challenges me to find new ways to work more efficiently and produce even more.

There were some exciting moments this week, as Lane and I attended the final Birmingham performance of “Wicked” on Sunday evening and on Wednesday evening, we, along with about a dozen of our friends, sat together and laughed as we attended “Dixie’s Tupperware Party”. These diversions provided a lot of much needed stress relief.

Parker called me on Tuesday to tell me that he needed to bring back the two of our cats who have been living with him and Richard. As stressful as the thought of that sounded to me, I’ve adjusted much better than I thought I would, and so have all the members of my feline family.

Here’s my confession: I could focus on lots of negative things this week. I could focus on the stress, the anxieties, the fears, the frustrations that are my constant companions of late. However, the truth of the matter is that I know in spite of it all, I’m truly blessed. I have so very many people who truly love me. Even when I feel completely alone, I’m not. I’m surrounded by so many friends. I suppose it is the love and support of my dear friends that have kept me from losing my mind. Tonight, I am lying in bed typing this while my special kitty is sleeping beside me. I think of how simple his life must be. I think of how I wish I could achieve that type of simplicity.

THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS...

Today was, for the most part, a pretty good day, considering how difficult the rest of the week has been. Thanks to a dear confidant of mine, I’ve seen things in a much brighter light today. My spirit, though admittedly still rather heavy, is lighter and more at ease.

Tonight found me among friends being entertained by Dixie Longate and her Tupperware party at a local theater. It was good to just laugh and relax for an evening.

I know that in so very many ways my life is so beyond richly blessed. I’ve been overwhelmed with so much the last few weeks and months. I’ve hit some brick walls, and I’ve come against the speed bumps. I’ve had lots of questions, lots of fear, and lots of soul searching to do. I think I’m calming down and am starting to see things much more clearly.

Here’s my confession: Life is not always easy, and it seems like sometimes it’s all too easy to take life too seriously. I’m guilty. I have decisions to make. I have directions to follow. I have my heart to which I must be true. And, while, in many moments, especially lately, I’ve felt alone, even in the midst of my friends, I know that I’m highly blessed. And you know, this struggle I face daily, this “drama”, that this, too, shall pass. It always does.

MAKING LEMONADE

It’s been one of those weeks already and it’s only Tuesday. There’s so much pressure at work right now, so much as I work to change my work habits and be a more productive employee. Along with other pressures going on in life…Parker calls me tonight on my way to men’s chorus to ask me a favor—could he bring his two cats back to our house while he and Richard, his boyfriend, are trying to sell Richard’s condo. What am I to say? He feels bad about adding the stress to me…but our options are limited. So, now I’m the crazy cat man. Four cats. One who hasn’t liked me since the day we drove to Memphis to pick him up from the shelter, and another who doesn’t even realize I exist because she’s so hyper.

It’s just been a surreal week. There are so many things rambling around in my head, no time to stop and breathe. I’m tired. I’m stressed and in way over my head. It just seems that the powers of fate don’t always go the way we think they are going to go.
Here’s my confession: So, life has seemingly dumped an orchard full of lemons in my life….so I’m going to do all I can…I’m just going to make me some lemonade. Circumstances in life don’t always come as we plan…there’s often not a damn thing we can do about them. Just take them as they come and deal with them. That’s what I’m going to do. Lemonade, anyone? I’m about to make a fresh pitcher!

simplicity

It seems that no matter how hard I try to bring about simplicity in my life, complexity comes in and has to take over. Work is incredibly difficult, having a house on the market for ten months with zero nibbles, trying to balance an increasingly wonderful social life with enough down time for just me does not an easy task for me create.

I’m always on the run, always trying to learn something new, I’m always trying to improve and grow. Yet, it seems the more I try to take off my plate, the more that goes on my plate. It's always miles from here to there, then miles back.

I find myself often overwhelmed and underprepared. I find myself seeking a panacea or, at best, a solace from the storms of life. My panacea is not found in my piano nor does solace come completely in the wonderful friendships which have come my way over the last year.

Here’s my confession: Frustration is a constant companion, or so it seems. For, as I long to live a life of simplicity, there are so many road blocks prohibit my experiencing it fully. Simplicity—that ever elusive state of being, that state I long to experience fully is out there somewhere. I hope that one day simplicity will be mine. I’m ready to rid myself of the shackles that my daily life tend to bring.

GRATITUDE 4.18.2009

I pause tonight to remember that while there are so many things on my plate, that I am truly and completely blessed. I have so much for which to be grateful—friends who are my “family”, a job—at a time when many do not. I’m growing as a musician, as a person and as an individual.

There have been many days lately when I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall—where I feel like I’ve hit a plateau in my personal growth. I get so frustrated because I don’t know what I want, where I’m going and simply feel exhausted with life. I have to remind myself that the growth happens during the journey—and the journey doesn’t always move at the pace I would like. I’m grateful for the journey, because as I look back, I see just how far I’ve come, but am thankful for the growth yet to come.

I am grateful tonight for the wonderful memories I have of my late grandmother. She left this life nine years ago yesterday. It seems like yesterday, and there is hardly a day or week in which I don’t remember the many positive impacts she had on my life. Were it not for her influence in my life, I can’t even begin to imagine where I would be today. I’m grateful for her, for the love she had for me, and believe, that while she is gone from this earthly life, she is very much alive in my heart.

Here’s my confession: My blog has been silent this week. There have been thousands of thoughts rolling around inside my head, much frustration, many fears, yet, a profound gratitude for the people who are in my life, the people who remind me that I have people who care about me, people who remind me of the many blessings I have and those who remind me to not sweat the small stuff. No matter the frustrations I have, no matter the fears. Life is good, and for that, I’m eternally grateful.

EASTER GRATITUDE 04.12.09

I begin tonight’s blog with gratitude for the sound of the thunder and rain outside. I love rain. A grey day is a great day to me, so much so that I actually prefer it to a sunny day. And there’s just something about the sound of the rain hitting the windows that is soothing, relaxing.

The last week of my life has been one filled with lots of emotions, lots of confusion, stress, questions and fears. It’s also been one of reassurances, friendship and understanding. As I step back and look at my life, I have to admit, it’s pretty damn good. I an blessed to have wonderful people in my life who care about me, I have a comfortable place to lay my head at night, I haven’t missed a meal lately. I have talents, I have my health and, truly, so much good in my life that to even contemplate the negative seems irrational.

I am grateful for the rewarding experience and opportunity of accompanying the church choir and congregation this week as we celebrated Holy Week. I am grateful for those who shared their gratitude with me for a song I sang or something I played that added more meaning to their Holy Week. I’m grateful for the time I had to spend with friends this afternoon celebrating both Easter and the birthday of a mutual friend. I’m grateful for those who encourage me each and every day with your little words, your actions and mostly your love. I’m at a place in my life right now where I’m truly seeking direction and not a day goes by in which I am not constantly reminded of the blessings I have in my life—of friendships that are so close, so dear.

Here’s my confession: I’ve been feeling a bit lost lately…a bit out of touch with myself, my life, my world. Yet, even in the midst of this inner confusion, turmoil, and fears, there is great solace that comes to me from the encouraging words of my friends. There’s great comfort in knowing that regardless of the road I’m walking, I’m not walking it alone, and the assurance that I’ll never have to walk it alone. I am most grateful for love; for it is love that gets me though each day. It is love that abides when all else fails. Just like the rain falling outside my window tonight will bring about growth to the vegetation, it is the love in my life that brings about growth and helps me to be the very best me that I can possibly be.

GOOD FRIDAY REFLECTIONS

I sat through the Good Friday service at church tonight, while I was a participant in the service, and while I’ve sat through virtually the same service for a decade, I decided to see if there was anything new I could glean from the evening. It’s the same liturgy each year, practically the same readings, perhaps told a little differently, depending on the gospel from which it comes.

So I listened as the Gospel was read and wondered what it would have been like to truly have been there. I mean did this stuff really happen or is it just a bunch of hooey? I suppose that is why it is the Easter Mystery. Think of it…God sends down his “son” to be the Savior of the World? Um, yeah…that’s easy to comprehend. Sign me up. Then there are all the parallels the Gospel writer goes to in attempt to bridge the gap between the Old Testament and the New Testament.

The most striking thing to me is that we—meaning those of us in the Western word, fancy our beautiful white bread Jesus on the crucifix. But, if we want to really take literally the words of the Bible, Jesus was not attractive. He was a man acquainted with infirmities. The type of person one turns their heads from? That doesn’t sound like the handsome white Jesus on the crucifix about the altar at my church.

The truth of the matter is that yes, while I do believe that Jesus Christ came to earth, and his teachings a valid, that there is so much more to it than meets the eye. There is no possible way that we can comprehend absolute mystery of our faith. My Catholic faith is certainly steeped in tradition and ritual. That doesn’t mean I believe that everything happened “just so.” I think there are an awful lot of grey areas we’ll never understand in the Earthly realm.

The one thing that I do love about Good Friday is the General Intercessions touch on praying for everyone from the Pope. There are prayers for the local Bishop, the priests, those who are Jewish, those who don’t believe in God, local and national political leaders, etc. I like the inclusiveness there. How many Baptist churches met tonight to pray for the Catholic Church down the street?

Here’s my confession: I honestly expected just another ho-hum, run of the mill Good Friday service. Yet, I walked away with lots of thoughts. I walked away questioning more fully, and perhaps even respecting my faith. Was there anything new? Nothing noteworthy. But, even with nothing noteworthy, it was an insightful service. God became man. God died. God lives again. Pretty amazing stuff. Some of it does make me want to tear my faith apart and make some sense of it. But, what’s the use. God is Love. And I don’t personally believe that God is a Christian God, a Catholic God, or what have you. What God IS---IS love. And love, well, isn’t that the central message of the Gospel? Isn’t love the whole meaning of Good Friday?

LENTEN REFLECTIONS 2009

Today is Holy Thursday, the day which, at least in the Catholic tradition begins the Easter Triduum. As this year's Lenten journey winds down, I reflect on the events in my life since Ash Wednesday. Am I a different person? How has my spiritual walk changed? How have I grown?

The truth of the matter is that this has been the fastest moving Lent I can recall. I can't even say that I gave up anything tangible for Lent. What I can say is that I've spent a lot of time evaluating my faith, my beliefs, my walk. I've written this many time before—I call myself a Catholic, I work for a Catholic church, have done all the "Catholic" things—and have actually been Catholic longer than I've been an official part of any faith tradition. But, do my beliefs fully align with the teachings of my Catholic faith? No. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I believe God is love? Yes. Do I find merit in other faith traditions such as Buddhism, Judaism, Hinduism? Absolutely.

Here’s my confession: While Lent is a time we typically set aside to grow as Christians, well, I've missed the mark this Lenten season. In reality, I've grown more in my awareness of other spiritual traditions, both Christian and other practices. You see, there are just so many parallels between the various world religions; it's hard to say that just one of them has it right. Faith is a very important aspect of my life. I can’t imagine not living a life of faith, but simply living a life of faith is not easy.

WORDS…OR AT A LOSS THEREOF..

I’m sitting here, an expressionless, wordless fool. I don’t have the words to tap into the emotions deep within. I feel like a tornado’s happening in my brain…with all the questions, thoughts and fears colliding. It’s like I’m in a swirling vortex leading to a downward spiral of absolute nothingness.

It’s the thoughts of relationships, thoughts of friendships, thoughts of financial pressures. There are no answers, only theories. I’m trying to live in the Now, but with all the stuff that comes my way each and every day I’m exhausted—mentally, physically and, most importantly emotionally.

I’m at a place in my life where I am absolutely amazed at how far I’ve come, how many relationships I’ve cultivated, yet, I have to wonder if I am any happier than at any other point in my life. I have to wonder what the hell it’s all about. I have to wonder WHY I don’t feel the slightest bit of peace, why I’m so uptight about everything, why I allow the small stuff to rule my day.

Here’s my confession: I’m frustrated beyond words. This blog is not one of my better ones, but the one thing it is—or at least touches on—is an honesty with myself. It takes me to a place I never want to be—that place where vulnerability is in control. One day, one day soon, I’ll figure out why the weight of the world is on my shoulders, why I can’t find the peace I so desperately seek. Were it not for my incredible friendships, I couldn’t have traveled this road. I couldn’t have possibly made the progress. One day, I’ll look back and laugh, then move right along with life. Peace..it seems every elusive, but at this very down moment I would settle for contentment.

GRATITUDE FOR WEEK OF 04.03.09

As I pause for a few moments to contemplate my many reasons for gratitude over the last week, I am especially grateful for the loving friends that are such an important life. Some of my friends have been part of my life since high school or college days, some are new arrivals. ALL are meaningful. It’s so amazing to me how the right people come into our lives at just the right time of our lives.

The last few weeks have been so incredibly busy and stressful for me with so many rehearsals in preparation for Easter at church, the upcoming concert with the gay men’s chorus and on top of all of that, increased pressures at work. I approach it all with the resolve that I have the musical abilities to participate in these activities, and I just have to force myself to play an absolutely new game at work. It’s not a choice. I have to be my own best cheerleader.

I’m grateful for the home I have, the car I drive, the pets who love me and for the friendships with which I’m so incredibly blessed. I’m grateful, knowing that not every thing or every day is going to go the way I want it to go. What I do know is that as long as I am giving my best, then there’s truly nothing more I can ask.

I’m grateful and amazed as I take a glimpse at just how far I’ve come as an individual over the last nearly two years of life. There have been so many changes in my life over that time. And, truly, while many of the changes have been painful in one way or another, each situation as contributed to my greater good!

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for the answers which remain hidden in my life. I’m grateful for NOW, for that’s the only time I am promised. Each new day brings challenges and beauty into my life, questions I’m afraid to conquer, and tons of opportunities for personal and professional growth. I’m grateful for, indeed, life is good.

A LONG WAY TO GO

If I’m being completely honest, there are times that I want to stand on the top of a mountain and yell obscenities. There are times, this being one of them, that I just am so stressed, so lacking focus, so unclear in the direction I’m heading that I just want to throw my hands up in the air and give up. The truth is, I’ve come too far to stop now. Stopping right now would be a ridiculous thing for me to do. Stopping right now would put back so far. I’ve come so far on my personal journey, but yet I know that I have so, so, so far to go.

Tears are something that don’t come easily for me. Yet, were I able to produce tears tonight, I’d be a sobbing mess. I’m that stressed—with just about every aspect of my life. There are so many unanswered questions in my life. The are so many things about myself that frustrate me beyond my ability to express. There are so many things that just drive me nuts.

I long for solitude, but even when I’m in complete solitude, I’m not alone. I usually have at least one or two electronic devices near me at all times, so I’m never more than a text or facebook message away from anyone with whom I’m in regular contact.

Here’s my confession: There are absolutely so much complexities I don’t understand about myself, about my wants, my fears, my very nature that I don’t know that I’ll ever scratch the surface. I’ve caught a glimpse of peace. I’ve caught a glimpse of happiness, and yet I feel like I’m just this screwed up thirty-something who doesn’t have a damn clue what he wants in life. I just want to scream. It’s been a long week already and I’m just so tired from the struggles. I’ve come so far on this journey…but there’s still so much farther to go. I have people in my life who genuinely love me…some of whom I don’t even know how to return the love they give. My writing is so incoherent because I’m so frustrated with myself right now. There’s so many things I want to do, so much I want to experience, but there are limitations—limitations I’ve accepted as an everyday fact of life. I’m trying so hard to focus on living in the now, but I don’t know that there is an absolutely more difficult thing for one to do.