If I’m being completely honest, there are times that I want to stand on the top of a mountain and yell obscenities. There are times, this being one of them, that I just am so stressed, so lacking focus, so unclear in the direction I’m heading that I just want to throw my hands up in the air and give up. The truth is, I’ve come too far to stop now. Stopping right now would be a ridiculous thing for me to do. Stopping right now would put back so far. I’ve come so far on my personal journey, but yet I know that I have so, so, so far to go.
Tears are something that don’t come easily for me. Yet, were I able to produce tears tonight, I’d be a sobbing mess. I’m that stressed—with just about every aspect of my life. There are so many unanswered questions in my life. The are so many things about myself that frustrate me beyond my ability to express. There are so many things that just drive me nuts.
I long for solitude, but even when I’m in complete solitude, I’m not alone. I usually have at least one or two electronic devices near me at all times, so I’m never more than a text or facebook message away from anyone with whom I’m in regular contact.
Here’s my confession: There are absolutely so much complexities I don’t understand about myself, about my wants, my fears, my very nature that I don’t know that I’ll ever scratch the surface. I’ve caught a glimpse of peace. I’ve caught a glimpse of happiness, and yet I feel like I’m just this screwed up thirty-something who doesn’t have a damn clue what he wants in life. I just want to scream. It’s been a long week already and I’m just so tired from the struggles. I’ve come so far on this journey…but there’s still so much farther to go. I have people in my life who genuinely love me…some of whom I don’t even know how to return the love they give. My writing is so incoherent because I’m so frustrated with myself right now. There’s so many things I want to do, so much I want to experience, but there are limitations—limitations I’ve accepted as an everyday fact of life. I’m trying so hard to focus on living in the now, but I don’t know that there is an absolutely more difficult thing for one to do.
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Zen Koan titled “Maybe”.
(A Koan is a story, dialogue, question, or statement in the history and lore of Zen Buddhism.)
A farmer’s horse ran away. His neighbors gathered upon hearing the news and said sympathetically, “That’s such bad luck.”
“Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The horse returned on his own the next morning, and brought seven wild horses with it. “Look how many more horses you have now,” the neighbors exclaimed. “How lucky!”
“Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The next day, the farmer’s son attempted to ride one of the wild horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. “How awful,” the neighbors said. “It looks like your luck has turned for the worse again.”
The farmer simply replied, “Maybe.”
The following day, military officers came to town to conscript young men into the service. Seeing the son’s broken leg, they rejected him. The neighbors gathered round the farmer to tell him how fortunate he was.
“Maybe,” said the farmer.
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