I texted a friend today just to see how she is doing. She texted back "just peachy...how about you..." My reply, however, was perhaps a bit more than either of us had expected.
Single. Happy, Restless. Content. Waiting. Anxious. Gentle. Hopeful. Excited. Done. Commencing. Questioning. Listening. Resting. Running. Ready. Mistaken. Understood. Certain. Doubtful. Steadfast. Relinquishing. Full. Empty. Alone. Surrounded. Trusting. Fearful. Smiling. Wondering. Conflicted. Absolute. Complacent. Active. Believing.
She replied "Wow, dude. You have a lot on your plate." I've thought about my words a good portion of today. At the risk of being mundane, I think I'm going to break down each of those words and how they relate to where I am today.
Single: unencumbered by a relationship; free of the flavors of entanglement; freedom from all things commitment. Happy: satisfied with my current lot in life, the people in my life and its overall direction. Restless: longing for something more, apprehensive about my day to day being. Content: accepting things exactly as they are in my world. Waiting: for things to change, for the inevitable, for the ever-elusive panacea. Anxious: worried about the things that are not even in my control anyway. Gentle: Accepting each day with grace and peace. Hopeful: looking forward with promise to the new tomorrows. Excited: about how far I've come and how much more of the journey is left to be completed. Done: there are days I just want to give up, give in and say it is finished. Commencing: the dawning of each new day is a chance for a do-over, a new beginning. Questioning: everything in life from spiritual matters, finances, relationships, who I really am. Listening: to the sage advice of dear friends and to my own heart. Resting: from thoughts that do not propel me forward. Running: from all the struggles of daily life. Ready: for change, freedom, inner peace. Mistaken: by those who do not know how to take me; Understood: by those who have taken the change to get to know me, who see me in a different light, who see potential. Certain: of many great and wonderful things in my life, of blessing innumerable. Doubtful: of my own abilities, strengths, and influence in people's lives. Steadfast: to continue growing, to achieving my potential. Relinquishing: my fears, my boundaries, my encumbrances. Full: of love, of faith, and even a bit of fear. Empty: the feeling of nothingness, dried up, with nothing left to give. Alone: sometimes I feel like I'm hanging out here on a limb all by myself, completely devoid of anything in life. Surrounded: by friends who give me a swift kick in the ass when I need it, people who care, and dare I say angels watching over me? Trusting: my gut instincts, advice from people who care. Fearful: of failure, of losing myself. Wondering: what tomorrow holds, why people care so much. Conflicted: by such a wide range of emotions, highs and lows, brick walls and smooth sailing along the highways and byways of life. Absolute: that I have within me everything I'll ever need. Complacent: about making the moves, about myself, about life. Active: in seeking opportunities to grow into the person I know I am destined to become. Believing: that tomorrow isn't promised to me, but if it comes, that I'll make it the best I possibly can, that I will be the best I can possibly be and that I AM something to someone.
Here's my confession: That's a very heavy list. Indeed, there are many things on my plate. I know that I'm not going to just wake up one morning and find all my problems have abandoned me during my rest. Instead, trials will come, and they will go. I will grow. I know, beyond the shadow of any doubt that I am blessed with wonderful people, things and situations. Life is sometimes a bumpy road, so I'm just going to buckle my seatbelt and enjoy the ride.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
GRATITUDE REFLECTIONS 05.24.09
It has been a couple of weeks since my last posting. I actually started writing a gratitude blog last week and never finished it. So, it’s time to get back into the swing of things and start posting more frequently.
Since I last wrote, I’ve had some wonderful experiences. Last week, I went on a short vacation with two of my friends from my Men’s Chorus. Robert, Barrett and I traveled to Asheville, NC to visit the Biltmore Estate and spent a day in Pigeon Forge, TN. I have to admit this was one of the most fun trips I’ve had and really enjoyed bonding with these men. I’m grateful for friendships like these which have somehow found their way into my life over the last year.
There’s been a lot on my mind these couple of weeks. Thoughts about where I am financially, wondering when this house is going to sell, trying to balance friendships, learning more about myself, trying in so many ways to better myself, to learn new things. The greatest lesson I’ve learned over the last few months of my life is that while I may often feel like I’m alone, I am not. I have some of the most wonderful people in my life who continually remind me of this fact.
I’m single again. Lane and I have been working towards making the transition to being just friends. At times it’s been frustrating, but I think we’re doing ok. While I know that I unintentionally hurt Lane, the truth of the matter is that I’m grateful for the many lessons I learned from our time as a couple, and I hope he will soon be able to look back and say the same thing.
I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. Yet, I’m grateful for the innumerable blessings that are part of my life. I do have so very much in my life. I have a place to call home, my health, people who continue to love me in spite of myself. I have friends who are there to push me to go that extra step, to make one more climb up the mountain and continually remind me of where I’ve been, where I am, and perhaps, more importantly, where I’m headed.
I’ve thought a lot in the last few days about my family of origin. While I feel like I’m really just an outsider now, I’m grateful for the person they’ve enabled me to be, the values they tried to instill in me, and that I’ve been able to make, what I hope, are good choices in my life.
Here’s my confession: In the stillness of this evening I pause again to reflect on the goodness that is in my life, trying not to allow the negative things to cloud the positive. Where I am today is light years away from anything I could have ever imagined a year ago. Sometimes my gratitude probably comes across as being too sappy to some people, but I feel like it’s important to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me, and not just take it for granted.
I have a list of things I want to do, things I want to learn, things I hope to accomplish. I’m grateful for the broken road that has led me to the place I am today, to be the person I am today and to be able to have hopes and dreams. I’m grateful for this blog which allows me to share a bit of myself with you. I’m grateful for those of you who take time to read and especially for those of you who take the time to comment.
I’m grateful for so many wonderful things…
Since I last wrote, I’ve had some wonderful experiences. Last week, I went on a short vacation with two of my friends from my Men’s Chorus. Robert, Barrett and I traveled to Asheville, NC to visit the Biltmore Estate and spent a day in Pigeon Forge, TN. I have to admit this was one of the most fun trips I’ve had and really enjoyed bonding with these men. I’m grateful for friendships like these which have somehow found their way into my life over the last year.
There’s been a lot on my mind these couple of weeks. Thoughts about where I am financially, wondering when this house is going to sell, trying to balance friendships, learning more about myself, trying in so many ways to better myself, to learn new things. The greatest lesson I’ve learned over the last few months of my life is that while I may often feel like I’m alone, I am not. I have some of the most wonderful people in my life who continually remind me of this fact.
I’m single again. Lane and I have been working towards making the transition to being just friends. At times it’s been frustrating, but I think we’re doing ok. While I know that I unintentionally hurt Lane, the truth of the matter is that I’m grateful for the many lessons I learned from our time as a couple, and I hope he will soon be able to look back and say the same thing.
I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. Yet, I’m grateful for the innumerable blessings that are part of my life. I do have so very much in my life. I have a place to call home, my health, people who continue to love me in spite of myself. I have friends who are there to push me to go that extra step, to make one more climb up the mountain and continually remind me of where I’ve been, where I am, and perhaps, more importantly, where I’m headed.
I’ve thought a lot in the last few days about my family of origin. While I feel like I’m really just an outsider now, I’m grateful for the person they’ve enabled me to be, the values they tried to instill in me, and that I’ve been able to make, what I hope, are good choices in my life.
Here’s my confession: In the stillness of this evening I pause again to reflect on the goodness that is in my life, trying not to allow the negative things to cloud the positive. Where I am today is light years away from anything I could have ever imagined a year ago. Sometimes my gratitude probably comes across as being too sappy to some people, but I feel like it’s important to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me, and not just take it for granted.
I have a list of things I want to do, things I want to learn, things I hope to accomplish. I’m grateful for the broken road that has led me to the place I am today, to be the person I am today and to be able to have hopes and dreams. I’m grateful for this blog which allows me to share a bit of myself with you. I’m grateful for those of you who take time to read and especially for those of you who take the time to comment.
I’m grateful for so many wonderful things…
Sunday, May 10, 2009
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY or SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A MOTHERLESS CHILD
Today is the day we set aside to celebrate mothers. I haven’t seen my mother in three years and have only spoken to her once since then. If you’ve followed my blog, you’ve no doubt read of the many times I’ve tried to reach out to no avail.
I grew up as an only child. I cannot even fathom what it would be like to have a sibling. Furthermore, I grew up with a mother who really didn’t know what to do with me. I think I was a good child, didn’t get in trouble at school, I did a good job of keeping the house cleaned. But, as far as a relationship with my mother goes, I can only recall a small window of time—less than eight years--when we were even remotely close, and this was from the time of my coming out until the beginning of my relationship with Parker. She was, up to that point, very supportive, but something, somewhere along the way, changed.
My “mothering” came mostly from my grandmother and my Aunt Jean, with a little bit from my Aunt Vivian. My grandmother and Vivian are both deceased now, and, well, my relationship with my Aunt Jean hasn’t been quite the same since my coming out. Jean and I have, however, had a bit more correspondence over the last year.
So, how does one pay homage to a mother who is, for all practical purposes, non-existent in one’s life? How does one reach out to the unreachable? Some of my friends have, in the past, thought me callous and cold in the way I’ve dealt with my mother. Yet, as time has passed, they’ve seen how I’ve reached out with cards and letters and have received nothing in return. Finally, one friend in particular, Truvy, says that she thinks I’ve done everything in my power to reach out. The ball is no longer in my court.
Here’s my confession: If I’m being completely honest, today is just another day. There’s nothing whatsoever special about it. But, here goes: Happy Mother’s Day, Mother. I hope that whatever you are doing today, that God has mercy on you, and blesses you and watches over you. I hope that someday you’ll be able to know how your little boy has grown into a man who has many wonderful people in his life. Sometimes I do feel like a motherless child, but I’m proud of who I am. And, while I know you’ll probably never read this, I hope you know that there’s hardly a week that goes by in which I don’t think about you. Happy Mother’s Day and may peace attend your spirit.
I grew up as an only child. I cannot even fathom what it would be like to have a sibling. Furthermore, I grew up with a mother who really didn’t know what to do with me. I think I was a good child, didn’t get in trouble at school, I did a good job of keeping the house cleaned. But, as far as a relationship with my mother goes, I can only recall a small window of time—less than eight years--when we were even remotely close, and this was from the time of my coming out until the beginning of my relationship with Parker. She was, up to that point, very supportive, but something, somewhere along the way, changed.
My “mothering” came mostly from my grandmother and my Aunt Jean, with a little bit from my Aunt Vivian. My grandmother and Vivian are both deceased now, and, well, my relationship with my Aunt Jean hasn’t been quite the same since my coming out. Jean and I have, however, had a bit more correspondence over the last year.
So, how does one pay homage to a mother who is, for all practical purposes, non-existent in one’s life? How does one reach out to the unreachable? Some of my friends have, in the past, thought me callous and cold in the way I’ve dealt with my mother. Yet, as time has passed, they’ve seen how I’ve reached out with cards and letters and have received nothing in return. Finally, one friend in particular, Truvy, says that she thinks I’ve done everything in my power to reach out. The ball is no longer in my court.
Here’s my confession: If I’m being completely honest, today is just another day. There’s nothing whatsoever special about it. But, here goes: Happy Mother’s Day, Mother. I hope that whatever you are doing today, that God has mercy on you, and blesses you and watches over you. I hope that someday you’ll be able to know how your little boy has grown into a man who has many wonderful people in his life. Sometimes I do feel like a motherless child, but I’m proud of who I am. And, while I know you’ll probably never read this, I hope you know that there’s hardly a week that goes by in which I don’t think about you. Happy Mother’s Day and may peace attend your spirit.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
GRATITUDE 05.09.09
I am most grateful this week for a successful concert Thursday night with the gay men’s chorus. I’m so proud to be part of such an amazing group of men, and even more proud to serve them as President and member of the Board of Directors. Our concert was very well attended and the after-party was a blast!
The last few weeks have been incredibly stressful for me. Relationship issues, work stress, and financial woes have added to my stresses. Fortunately, I have people in my life who love me and support me in spite of myself. Everything eventually works out the way it is supposed to, and I try to focus my attention on just being present in the here and now and let everything else go. That’s certainly easier said than done, but still, I try.
I lie here tonight surrounded by my two best feline friends tonight. They probably don’t know just how much I love them, and how much joy they bring to my life. I’m reminded at how the most simple of things in life are often the most important.
Here’s my confession: The last few weeks, it has been difficult to be grateful. I’ve been too tired most of the time to even give a damn about life. The important thing for me to remember is that I’m surrounded by so much more good in my life than bad. My friends are my family. I still have a lot of things to learn about life, about myself and about things in general, but each day I live I have another chance to grow. I’m so grateful for the gifts this life continues to afford me, whether I’m happy or sad or somewhere in between. I’m never alone…and that’s worth more than just about anything in the entire world!
The last few weeks have been incredibly stressful for me. Relationship issues, work stress, and financial woes have added to my stresses. Fortunately, I have people in my life who love me and support me in spite of myself. Everything eventually works out the way it is supposed to, and I try to focus my attention on just being present in the here and now and let everything else go. That’s certainly easier said than done, but still, I try.
I lie here tonight surrounded by my two best feline friends tonight. They probably don’t know just how much I love them, and how much joy they bring to my life. I’m reminded at how the most simple of things in life are often the most important.
Here’s my confession: The last few weeks, it has been difficult to be grateful. I’ve been too tired most of the time to even give a damn about life. The important thing for me to remember is that I’m surrounded by so much more good in my life than bad. My friends are my family. I still have a lot of things to learn about life, about myself and about things in general, but each day I live I have another chance to grow. I’m so grateful for the gifts this life continues to afford me, whether I’m happy or sad or somewhere in between. I’m never alone…and that’s worth more than just about anything in the entire world!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
BRICK WALLS
I’ve been blogging about all the changes in my life for 20 months now. There have definitely been peaks and valleys along the way. Sometimes I’m going along and things are just going very well, then, out of the blue I hit a brick wall. I feel like every single bit of energy has been zapped from me, all the progress is seemingly suddenly undone. It’s frustrating. It’s depressing. Yet, at the same time, it is very necessary. Growth happens in spurts. The growth, I suppose wouldn’t mean as much if it were just on going, blissful, and uninterrupted. That’s life. And, as one of the television commercials says for an insurance company “Life comes at you fast.”
I spent most of last week feeling like I’d hit a brick wall. Life, most definitely, had come at me fast. I was deeply depressed, tired, scared, fearful, and didn’t know where to turn, I didn’t know what was going on in my life. There were moments I felt like I wasn’t even present in my own body. It seemed at every turn there was some hidden surprise just waiting to jump out at me—bad news about my fairly new tires for my car, a stressful week of work, difficult choir rehearsals and personal struggles all came to a head all in that one week. BOOM! Brick wall. No warning. It was just there. And I plowed into it with all my might!
This week is still a bit stressful, but things seem to be smoothing out. I’m tired of being tired all the time. I’m tired of struggling. And I’m tired of feeling like I’ve made two steps forward, two miles back. It’s all just part of the process.
Here’s my confession: I’ve gotten away from myself. I’ve lost a bit of myself. I have to make a concerted effort to forge ahead. I have to get back into reading “The Feeling Good Handbook”, “The Power of Now” and taking care of myself…making sure that I am true to my happiness, my needs, my wants, and don’t compromise for anything. Life is good. Life is damn good. I’ve made a lot of progress since that first posting some 20 months ago, but I don’t think this is where the road ends. I believe that as long as there is breath flowing through my body, as long as there is oxygen flowing through my brain, that I have the opportunity to continue to grow and become. I have wonderful people in my life who care for me and love me unconditionally. But most importantly, I have myself, and yes, I do love myself. And, really, isn’t that where it all starts? Tomorrow has enough of its own worries. Today--that's the gift I have, and today is where I have to live!
I spent most of last week feeling like I’d hit a brick wall. Life, most definitely, had come at me fast. I was deeply depressed, tired, scared, fearful, and didn’t know where to turn, I didn’t know what was going on in my life. There were moments I felt like I wasn’t even present in my own body. It seemed at every turn there was some hidden surprise just waiting to jump out at me—bad news about my fairly new tires for my car, a stressful week of work, difficult choir rehearsals and personal struggles all came to a head all in that one week. BOOM! Brick wall. No warning. It was just there. And I plowed into it with all my might!
This week is still a bit stressful, but things seem to be smoothing out. I’m tired of being tired all the time. I’m tired of struggling. And I’m tired of feeling like I’ve made two steps forward, two miles back. It’s all just part of the process.
Here’s my confession: I’ve gotten away from myself. I’ve lost a bit of myself. I have to make a concerted effort to forge ahead. I have to get back into reading “The Feeling Good Handbook”, “The Power of Now” and taking care of myself…making sure that I am true to my happiness, my needs, my wants, and don’t compromise for anything. Life is good. Life is damn good. I’ve made a lot of progress since that first posting some 20 months ago, but I don’t think this is where the road ends. I believe that as long as there is breath flowing through my body, as long as there is oxygen flowing through my brain, that I have the opportunity to continue to grow and become. I have wonderful people in my life who care for me and love me unconditionally. But most importantly, I have myself, and yes, I do love myself. And, really, isn’t that where it all starts? Tomorrow has enough of its own worries. Today--that's the gift I have, and today is where I have to live!
Friday, May 1, 2009
GRATITUDE 05.01.09
This has been an incredibly surreal week for me. When I say surreal I mean there were moments I felt incredibly detached from my body. Part of it was related to some new medication I had begun taking late last week and part of it was related to stress I’ve been experiencing in my life lately.
Despite stresses in my life, I am grateful for the friends who have been there to support me by sharing their love and expressions of friendship with me. I’m grateful for the good that is in my life. This week has provided me with many moments where I wanted to just throw up my hands and give up, throw in the towel. It is imperative that I focus on the positive rather than allow myself to dwell on the negative. I’ve caught glimpses of the “old” me in the last week.
Here’s my confession: I’ve not really been myself this week. It’s been a battle to stay happy, to not be depressed. It’s been a battle to get out of bed and do what needs doing each day. But, I know that even on my worst day, I have been given so much more than many, and for that I’m truly, incredibly grateful.
Despite stresses in my life, I am grateful for the friends who have been there to support me by sharing their love and expressions of friendship with me. I’m grateful for the good that is in my life. This week has provided me with many moments where I wanted to just throw up my hands and give up, throw in the towel. It is imperative that I focus on the positive rather than allow myself to dwell on the negative. I’ve caught glimpses of the “old” me in the last week.
Here’s my confession: I’ve not really been myself this week. It’s been a battle to stay happy, to not be depressed. It’s been a battle to get out of bed and do what needs doing each day. But, I know that even on my worst day, I have been given so much more than many, and for that I’m truly, incredibly grateful.
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