A MESSAGE TO MYSELF

I texted a friend today just to see how she is doing. She texted back "just peachy...how about you..." My reply, however, was perhaps a bit more than either of us had expected.

Single. Happy, Restless. Content. Waiting. Anxious. Gentle. Hopeful. Excited. Done. Commencing. Questioning. Listening. Resting. Running. Ready. Mistaken. Understood. Certain. Doubtful. Steadfast. Relinquishing. Full. Empty. Alone. Surrounded. Trusting. Fearful. Smiling. Wondering. Conflicted. Absolute. Complacent. Active. Believing.

She replied "Wow, dude. You have a lot on your plate." I've thought about my words a good portion of today. At the risk of being mundane, I think I'm going to break down each of those words and how they relate to where I am today.

Single: unencumbered by a relationship; free of the flavors of entanglement; freedom from all things commitment. Happy: satisfied with my current lot in life, the people in my life and its overall direction. Restless: longing for something more, apprehensive about my day to day being. Content: accepting things exactly as they are in my world. Waiting: for things to change, for the inevitable, for the ever-elusive panacea. Anxious: worried about the things that are not even in my control anyway. Gentle: Accepting each day with grace and peace. Hopeful: looking forward with promise to the new tomorrows. Excited: about how far I've come and how much more of the journey is left to be completed. Done: there are days I just want to give up, give in and say it is finished. Commencing: the dawning of each new day is a chance for a do-over, a new beginning. Questioning: everything in life from spiritual matters, finances, relationships, who I really am. Listening: to the sage advice of dear friends and to my own heart. Resting: from thoughts that do not propel me forward. Running: from all the struggles of daily life. Ready: for change, freedom, inner peace. Mistaken: by those who do not know how to take me; Understood: by those who have taken the change to get to know me, who see me in a different light, who see potential. Certain: of many great and wonderful things in my life, of blessing innumerable. Doubtful: of my own abilities, strengths, and influence in people's lives. Steadfast: to continue growing, to achieving my potential. Relinquishing: my fears, my boundaries, my encumbrances. Full: of love, of faith, and even a bit of fear. Empty: the feeling of nothingness, dried up, with nothing left to give. Alone: sometimes I feel like I'm hanging out here on a limb all by myself, completely devoid of anything in life. Surrounded: by friends who give me a swift kick in the ass when I need it, people who care, and dare I say angels watching over me? Trusting: my gut instincts, advice from people who care. Fearful: of failure, of losing myself. Wondering: what tomorrow holds, why people care so much. Conflicted: by such a wide range of emotions, highs and lows, brick walls and smooth sailing along the highways and byways of life. Absolute: that I have within me everything I'll ever need. Complacent: about making the moves, about myself, about life. Active: in seeking opportunities to grow into the person I know I am destined to become. Believing: that tomorrow isn't promised to me, but if it comes, that I'll make it the best I possibly can, that I will be the best I can possibly be and that I AM something to someone.

Here's my confession: That's a very heavy list. Indeed, there are many things on my plate. I know that I'm not going to just wake up one morning and find all my problems have abandoned me during my rest. Instead, trials will come, and they will go. I will grow. I know, beyond the shadow of any doubt that I am blessed with wonderful people, things and situations. Life is sometimes a bumpy road, so I'm just going to buckle my seatbelt and enjoy the ride.