THE MAN IN THE MIRROR

There is a man in the mirror looking back at me each time I take a glance. He’s gone through a lot, has a lot to look forward to, and has certainly grown a lot. But the man in the mirror is empty. He’s empty, he’s hungry, he’s searching. He’s searching for his soul. He’s searching for love and desperately trying to hang on to the things he already has. You see, the man in the mirror has gone through a great deal of self-awareness and awakening. Perhaps it’s the medication, the counseling or a combination of both, but the man looking back at me in the mirror, he’s found a sense of self, a shred of independence and aspirations for the future he would have never thought to fathom even as little as a year and a half or two years ago. It’s brought him a tremendous amount of freedom but also made him feel alone and alienated from others in his life. He has his stable friends. He has his friendships that have certainly seen their fair share of testing. He’s also got a relationship which is in a major rut, but no idea how to get out of it. He’s got a fine house, nice possessions. He has, by all accounts, everything going for him. He has a nice job, a few close friends who truly care about him. He is truly and completely blessed.

Here’s my confession: I am the man in the mirror. In spite of my many blessings, there are more questions than answers, more fear than peace, there are friendships that have certainly hit bumps in the road. One friend is jealous of another friend. I come home and the cats are chasing one another. And my partner and I just had a heavy discussion about where things are headed. Again, more questions than answers. So much uncertainty. There’s a man in the mirror looking back at me each time I take a glance. I’ve no doubt that man is going to get just a little bit better as time goes on and works out the plan for the future. However, in the waiting, it takes an enormous amount of energy-energy that is waning at best, and a mixed bag of excitement and anxiousness to see what the man in the mirror becomes.

PANACEA IN A PILL?

Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines Panacea as a remedy for all ills or difficulties: a cure all. Does a panacea really exist? If so, can it really be found in a pill? I have suffered from anxiety for a long time, most noticeably over the last couple of years. Finally, my physician prescribed Lexapro for me about 4 months ago. Along with the medication, I have also been going to a counselor and reading a book on dealing with anxiety.

Here’s my confession: 4 months ago, I wanted to die. I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I was in desperate need of a panacea. I was dealing with moderate to severe anxiety which was manifesting itself as pain in so many places in my body. Today, 4 months later, my anxiety level appears to be under control for the first time in as long as I can remember. Is it because of the pill? Is it because of the book, the counseling, a combination of the three? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am blessed to be surrounded by a great and loving support system of friends who have been there for me through this journey. I can tell a difference, as can the others in my life, how I am dealing with the stresses and anxieties that haunt me.

Have I truly found my panacea? I can’t say for certain. What I can say is that I am enjoying the peaceful feeling I have in my life. I’m enjoying learning how to deal with myself. I know that at any time the anxiety could rear its ugly head again. Whether or not I have found my panacea or if the anxiety is just lying there dormant, whether or not it’s because of the medication, counseling, or friends I know that I’m going to be ok. I have a significant part of my life back. And that is worth everything in the world to me.