A BIG BOWL OF SELF ESTEEM

My best friend, Truvy, gave me the greatest gift in the world for my birthday earlier this year-a big bowl of self-esteem. It is really just a cute tchotchke, but to me it is a symbol of accomplishment and work in progress. Those closest to me have noticed the changes happening in me and know how hard I have worked to become more confident, less anxious and more focused. Although my friends' comments about my growth do encourage me and move me forward, I have to realize that I cannot rely on their encouragement alone as a basis for my self-esteem. Self-Esteem can only come from one place-myself. Deep inside. For someone who has spent most of his life battling with low self-esteem, it has been an exciting adjustment to see myself becoming more confident, self-reliant and less needy. I've never felt good enough to do anything, and I don't know why. Perhaps it all stems from never feeling like I was good enough in elementary school. I was always backwards-academically, athletically, socially. For whatever reason, I wasn't engaged in those areas of my life from an early age. Maybe it is because of parents and grandparents who were perhaps a little too overprotective of me, who, in their attempt to shelter me from harm, actually did more harm in the process. Perhaps it was the cruel words from my schoolmates who found me an easy target that wounded my young spirit. There could be an endless list of "why" I have suffered from low self-esteem. In the end, none of that really matters. What matters is that I have arrived at a place in my life where I am ready to allow myself to move forward, far beyond the cruel words of the playground, away from the "you can't do that's" and the deeply ingrained fear of failure.

Here's my confession: I've come a long way in a short time, but the journey to move towards positive self-esteem is, I believe, a daily process. There are going to always be highs and lows, but the difference is how I deal with those situations. Leaning on others is fine, as long as I don't make them a crutch. Self-esteem has to come from within. It's an inner confidence that has to bubble up. It's simple daily affirmations. It's a pausing each day to reflect on my accomplishments, both tangible and intangible, and realizing that I should be proud of myself. It's not in comparing myself to others, but celebrating the strengths that are coming to fruition within me. And, it's the peace and pride I feel each time I look at my big bowl of self esteem. Hopefully, my big bowl of self-esteem will runneth over, that's where I look forward to being a year from now.

THE MAN IN THE MIRROR

There is a man in the mirror looking back at me each time I take a glance. He’s gone through a lot, has a lot to look forward to, and has certainly grown a lot. But the man in the mirror is empty. He’s empty, he’s hungry, he’s searching. He’s searching for his soul. He’s searching for love and desperately trying to hang on to the things he already has. You see, the man in the mirror has gone through a great deal of self-awareness and awakening. Perhaps it’s the medication, the counseling or a combination of both, but the man looking back at me in the mirror, he’s found a sense of self, a shred of independence and aspirations for the future he would have never thought to fathom even as little as a year and a half or two years ago. It’s brought him a tremendous amount of freedom but also made him feel alone and alienated from others in his life. He has his stable friends. He has his friendships that have certainly seen their fair share of testing. He’s also got a relationship which is in a major rut, but no idea how to get out of it. He’s got a fine house, nice possessions. He has, by all accounts, everything going for him. He has a nice job, a few close friends who truly care about him. He is truly and completely blessed.

Here’s my confession: I am the man in the mirror. In spite of my many blessings, there are more questions than answers, more fear than peace, there are friendships that have certainly hit bumps in the road. One friend is jealous of another friend. I come home and the cats are chasing one another. And my partner and I just had a heavy discussion about where things are headed. Again, more questions than answers. So much uncertainty. There’s a man in the mirror looking back at me each time I take a glance. I’ve no doubt that man is going to get just a little bit better as time goes on and works out the plan for the future. However, in the waiting, it takes an enormous amount of energy-energy that is waning at best, and a mixed bag of excitement and anxiousness to see what the man in the mirror becomes.

THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE

All of my life, I've viewed myself as nothing more than average. Growing up, I was (or at least I felt like I was) always average or slightly below. Elementary school was one of the most boring experiences of my life, I believe. When I got to Junior High school, I once made the A/B honor roll. Wow! In high school, I had a goal to be a member of the Beta club. I was always just a few points away from being able to be a member. It wasn't for lack of trying, that's for sure. I tried and tried so hard. Maybe I tried too hard. Then comes college. College wasn't too bad. I admit I didn't choose a college to challenge me academically. My college was, in fact, a glorified high school with college courses in some regards. I was an average student. Yet, I came out of college not with a lot of classroom knowledge, but rather a lot of interpersonal experiences. Now, nearly 10 years after college I finished college and armed with a Bachelor of Arts degree, I find myself asking...what did I learn in college?

Here's my confession: I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge these days. It's something I've rarely, if ever, experienced before. I want so badly to be able to go to school and study something. I can't really afford to go back to school at this point. But, someday, I shall return for another degree. I really want those little letters before my name "Dr." before I die.

In the meantime, I'm doing some self-studies online. I'm focusing on brushing up on and expanding my knowledge of French. After that, I am going to focus on Spanish. I have a goal of achieving fluency in both languages by the time I reach 40, so I have a little more than half a decade left to achieve that goal. Maybe by that time, I will have decided what I want to study when I head back to college for a Master's, and ultimately, a doctorate.

Why do I want to go back to school so badly? I suppose it's multi-faceted. It's a self-esteem thing, to prove to myself that I can; It's to perhaps have greater opportunities in my life; and, now that I am older, I feel that I would be more focused than I was in college for my Bachelor's degree. While attaining my Bachelor's degree, I gained a lot of knowledge about who I am and where I fit in. Now, I feel, it's time to grow more intellectually. With age has come maturity and with maturity has come the desire to succeed beyond my wildest expectations.