GRATITUDE 09.14.12

GRATITUDE 09.14.12 So, I haven’t been nearly as devoted to my blog as I had hoped, but all things in time, I suppose. I’m finding that as I reevaluate my priorities, goals and schedule, I’m being more focused. Hopefully, the blog is the next focus. I like to pause on Friday evenings and contemplate the things for which I am grateful. This week, I am once again most grateful for my friends. Last night I had an opportunity to speak with my dear friend Morgan. Neither of us enjoys talking on the phone, but it was such a great conversation, and it’s so great when there’s someone in your life, even if from a distance, who totally “gets” you. She and I talked about our families and dynamics to which we both totally relate. Today, I was able to share with Lee and Jane via text messages information Morgan had shared with me. These are three people who know me well, and who have been there through most of the biggest events of my life. It’s good to know that there are people who know the details of my life and are able to support me from a completely different vantage point than someone who hasn’t known me as long or who doesn’t understand—or doesn’t want to understand the dynamics and nuances through which I have gone. This week I’m grateful for the simplicity of a quiet evening, for the solace I’ve found through my piano, and for the little bits of growth I go through each and every day. Each day, I’m discovering, is a day or re-creation, a day of discovering new paths to myself, new paths to peace and new paths to joy. I’m finding peace in the most incredible places—within myself—and from the encouragement of people who love me. I’m daily grateful for a job-two jobs actually. I’m grateful for a place to live, and that each day I’m blessed to wake up healthy and, while there are plenty of items on my “want” list. In essence, everything I need I already have. I’m even grateful for the furry creatures who allow me to share a home with them. While I’m not the best cat daddy they could have, I hope they know that I do love them. I know they are growing older, elderly and I know that they may be around for 5 or 6 more years or they may be around 5 or 6 more months. I hope that I show them enough love. As I type this my fat orange cat is lying beside me on the bed. Sometimes I just wish he could speak to me and tell me what’s going on. I’m grateful and blessed. Here’s my confession: It’s easy to take for granted just about everything in our lives. Sometimes it takes losing everything to realize just how very much you have. I pray I never have to endure that. What I do know is that I have some of the most incredible people in my life. I may have mentioned you tonight, or I may not have, but my love for you is deep either way. Each day, I’m becoming a better me. I’m becoming, I hope, a better friend. Each day, I’m reminded of the precious gift of life, the fleeting vapor of life, and I am filled with gratitude to the source who makes all things possible.

GRATITUDE 08.24.12

GRATITUDE 08.24.12 I cannot believe it has been nearly a year since my last blog post. It’s time to set aside the laziness and fatigue and start writing again. What a better way to dust off the ol’ blog than to start with my weekly gratitude blog! Of all the blessings I have in my life, I have to say that I am most grateful for a loving, supportive group of friends. They ARE my family. I am grateful for people who accept me as I am, with my flaws, my lack of a filter and my quirky idiosyncrasies and give me love in spite of myself. Over the last year there has been a myriad of changes in my life—perhaps the biggest is that my temporary position ended and I began a permanent position with the same company. While that has been a major change in my schedule and my income (not necessarily for the better), I constantly remind myself that I am blessed to have a place to go each day to work. I am grateful to have a few people I work with who make the job bearable, and while sometimes feel defeated and discouraged, I take comfort in knowing that I am apparently where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. There is a lesson to be learned, and I’m grateful for the journey. Music continues to be the balm that heals my soul, and the one thing about myself for which I am most proud. I’m grateful for the focus, skill and improvement I’ve made as a pianist in the last few months. I played for a wedding in July, and I felt the pressure (self-imposed) to step up my game. I learned new music and was even told by someone that I played the best in the six years they have known me. My piano is my pride and joy. I’m grateful for the challenges I’ve placed before myself. I am grateful for an opportunity I also had in July to visit with people I have not seen in well over 20 years. I attended the 20th High School reunion of the class I was part of from grades 2 through 9, before leaving for 10th grade at another school (from which I graduated). While I’ve been connected to many of my classmates through facebook, the time I spent with these people meant so very much to me. I was not the popular kid in elementary school or junior high, but it’s wonderful how well everyone is as an adults. Becoming reacquainted with some people I haven’t seen in all those years is definitely something for which I am most grateful, but the reunion itself stands out as one of the greatest nights of my life. I felt so alive, so comfortable in my own skin—and THAT is worth celebrating. Here’s my confession: I’ve missed writing this blog. I’m grateful for the love and encouragement of the people who read it. My life holds a lot of promise right now, and I am searching, endeavoring each day for ways to create myself anew. I’m grateful for friends who offer so much love and support. I’m grateful for my tomorrows because I see a lot of promise coming my way. Hopefully you’ll be reading more about my journey into myself as I continue to write. Know that if you are reading this, you are among a specially chosen group of people I love deeply, and for you, for the gifts you bring into my life, I am humbled and deeply grateful. Thank You.

GRATITUDE 10.07.11

GRATITUDE 10.07.11

I've slowly been dusting off the blog over the last few weeks. It has been a while since I paused for what I consider one of the most important parts of my blog-my weekly gratitude blog.

As I reflect over the last few months, I am grateful for all the people who have touched my life. I am, today, at a pivotal point in my life. I'm moving away from hurt and resentments, away from feelings of self-loathing and towards a better version of myself. I’m grateful for the love and support I receive, especially from Gray and from Liz, whose text messages provide a closeness I love deeply.

I'm grateful for two jobs I enjoy. I'm grateful for a congregation that allows me the joy of living my dream each week-sharing my sense of the divine through music. My dream was always to be a pianist in a church. I enjoy it so much. Although it is something I often view as a chore these days-I am grateful to be a part of the men's chorus in which I sing tenor. The friends I have made through the choir have enhanced the last three years of my life.

Although there has been heartbreak this year, I am grateful for the stepping-stones each created. I'm stronger than I was a year ago. I have a better sense of self, where I want to and the person I want to be. Each day I awaken to a clearer sense of purpose, a few inches closer to contentment and a better sense of self.

Here’s my confession: I may not have everything I wish I had, I may not be exactly where I want to be in life, but the truth of the matter is that I am grateful for life and for the things-and most importantly-the people in my life. I pray I never take a single solitary blessing for granted, because as quickly as the blessing arrived, it can vanish. May gratitude always be foremost in all I do.

MY DOSSIER ON DATING

MY DOSSIER ON DATING

In my twenties, as I was coming out, I was way too afraid to casually hook up. So, from ages 23 to 29 I was in a relationship. It just seemed that was the thing to do-find someone, fall in love, live happily ever after-that is, of course, until, the relationship ran its course six years later and we parted ways. So, within four months, and for the next nearly five years, I found myself in another "instant relationship". The relationship was riddled with issues from the beginning. However, when you are young, you ignore things that are really important-thinking that maybe things will get better. Yet, in reality, the things that are intrinsically wrong never change. So, over the course of eleven years of my life, I spent in committed relationships because that's what good guys do-or so I thought. The ending of the last relationship-which had earlier even included the exchange of rings and vows, left me knocking on the front door of 35 and a new outlook on life. Still, I continued to trudge along, having a few short-lived relationships. I believed in love, the fairytale, respecting myself and the one I would love by being faithful and giving, fighting for love. I thought lowering myself to simply dating around was too difficult, cheapened the sanctity of a committed relationship and made me feel less about myself. Here I am three years and some change later. Contemplating.

Friends had been telling me that I should just focus on dating and not on relationships. That seemed so unlike me. So this year came along. With it came the beginning of what looked like an amazing, albeit instant relationship, with George. George and I could not be more polar opposite in our approaches to everything in life. Yet, for the first time in my life, I experienced the freedom and beauty of what I felt was perhaps my first adult relationship, and even after eleven years of committed relationships, Love like I'd never known before. The tender and passionate love I experienced turned out to be one-sided, though, I do not blame George. I think he did try to love me, and in his own way, he did, and, I imagine, still does. With George, unlike previous relationships, I felt like me. I didn't feel like I was sacrificing a part of myself to be with him. After all, THAT is exactly what I had been looking for all along-my other half,someone to compliment me, someone who made me feel like I was important-that I mattered-that being me and being in a relationship were not only a fantasy in my head, but a reality in which I found myself living.

Here's my confession: I've been thinking a lot since the heart-wrenching break-up with George. I've thought about love, dating, relationships and what does it all mean. I realize now, in my late thirties, that I am simply not ready for a serious relationship. I have never experienced the freedom of casual dating before-as friends had long ago suggested. Instead, I've focused on finding THE one, saving myself for him alone. And where, exactly, has that mindset, those actions, gotten me? Nowhere. It's left me longing to breathe in and live life, to experience-as many of my gay contemporaries have already done earlier in their lives dating just for the sake of dating. At this point-that's where I am. And, as is often the case, I arrive a little late in the game-hopefully, there is time to catch up. I need to further explore myself,and allow myself permission to be me. Maybe I'll find my forever George out there somewhere, or at least have fun searching.

CONTRADICTIONS, TRANSITIONS AND PONDERINGS

In the past I settled because I didn't feel as though there were any other options. Now, I fear settling because I am afraid I'll, well, JUST settle. Almost everyone serves up the platitudes "you're a great guy. So much to offer. You're going to make someone very happy." So, I took a strong chance on love earlier this year with George. It changed my life, my world, my everything. In July I let myself go and enjoyed it. I had casual sex-not with strangers-but people I consider friends. That's surprisingly more common in the gay world than I'd expected-sex with friends. I liked it, had my needs fulfilled while fulfilling the needs of my friends. Mutual win. Then Hampton enters my world in August. He and I have more in common than I've had with any partner I can recall. He adores me, we enjoy old country music, the same television shows, and have the same smart-ass brand of humor. What's the problem? Sexually, my mind shuts down like a power plant in a hurricane. It's like I equate the giving of myself to him as a resignation of all things sexual, like I'm intertwined to him for life with a solitary sex act. It's frustrating, to say the least.

In my mind's eye, I think, like most people, I picture that perfect relationship-where things aren't necessarily "perfect", but are just smooth sailing. I used to believe in monogamy-and maybe SOMEWHERE-deep down-I still do. What I do know is the fear of "is this as good as it gets?" is paralyzing. And, almost as paralyzing is the knowing, that SOMEWHERE out there there, is someone else.

I've been single, with a few rare exceptions, since January, 2008. That is almost 5 years. I've been single almost as long as Parker and I were together. He was my last significant relationship prior to my relationship with George-which, if I'm calling a spade a spade, was much more about sex and a lot less about love. But, the doors, the trappings of my mind and the inhibitions that were released. For nothing in all the world would I trade that experience. It was my first foray into total passion, and, in my heart of hearts, love.

I often have thought of all I wish to accomplish. Working out, learning more music, actually completing a crochet project-and how is it possible to do ANY of that in the "confines" aof a relationship? How can I BE me, and not lose ME in that relationship?

Life doesn't wait on us. I keep thinking once everything is in place...one the debts are paid off, once I have a house that I own, once I have a place and everything in its place. THEN will be the the time I'll be ready for love, when I'll be ready for...

Here's my confession: I am lost. I have it all and nothing at the same time. I just want to find that butterfly, so sick in love feeling. And where to start? Where I am now? Or do I look (or keep looking, as it were) around another corner?

HAPPILY EVERAFTER

HAPPILY EVERAFTER

For as long as I can recall, I've had a picture of the way my life should play out. Life, of course, often has different ideas. That bright and beautiful picture we have can become more vibrant or perhaps become grayed and cracked with the waring of time. For me, I always pictured meeting "THE ONE", settling down, building a life and, well, you know the classic fairy tell ending...and living happily everafter.

However, as I grow older, I'm finding that so many of the friends I've held so dear for so long, also had the same vision of happily ever after, but, like me, are stopping to question is there such a thing as "THE ONE"? Is monogamy the way? Are relationships overrated? Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence or do they just use better fertilizer?

Is it all just smoke in mirrors? Is happiness just an illusion? Are we truly meant to be with one person for life? Is there possibly more than one "ONE" in our lives? I don't know. I don't know if happily ever after just exists in the movies and books. Some couples seem so very happy together, some seem miserable beyond human comprehension. Surely, there is a balance, a happy medium, of sorts?

Here's my confession: After nearly four years of being single, with the exception of a few relationships measures simply in months, I'm finding it difficult to live in the present moment. I am I trying to be content and allow love to blossom. The truth is, I'm lost and confused, and truly WANT to believe in happily ever after.

ASKING HIM TO CHANGE HIS WAYS

Hello Self,
It is time we have a little talk. The first eight months of this year have been an adventure, to say the least. There has been love, heartbreak, joy, and sorrow. There have been moments of laughter and a fair amount of tears. It is time to get back on track, or may e get on track for the first time.

It is time to identify areas of life that need improvement. Three areas I am identifying as being in most need of work are: my body, my spirit and my time. Before I am able to move forward, I have to focus on learning to love my body, myself, being in tune with my spirit and the spirit of the higher power. Furthermore, I must be a better steward of my time. This means that I must focus on getting enough rest, being more punctual, and to devote deliberate time to the music, reading and other artistic endeavors.

I must make myself become disciplined in regards to a workout routine, ridding my body of unhealthy foods and habits. Starting off slowly and steadily, but deliberately and with focus. Taking care of the "temple", as it were, is a top priority, and has a spiraling effect on the other areas of my life lacking focus. I have to focus on making sure That my body is well-rested. Taking care of the temple spills over into my relationships with other people, my overall happiness and well-being and with how I see myself.

Spiritually, I will focus on the disciplines of meditation and centering prayer. I must learn to be content and at peace with the blessings I already have, and learn to not focus on what I do not have. When speaking in terms of taking control of my spiritual life-I am not necessarily focusing on a particular creed or doctrine, but rather my spirituality as a whole. I find much comfort in all the ancient teachings of the Buddha, The Christ and other spiritual teachers. Meditation, Yoga, Prayer and writing letters to God will be partners on my spiritual journey.

Time Management is essential to each and every thing I write about here. I need to devote more time to developing my skills as a musician, my writing of this blog and developing interests such as crochet, reading (something I do not enjoy, but feel a need to develop) and making my life as organized as possible without being overwhelmed.

Here's my confession: I am tired of not being happy with the man in the mirror. I'm tired of just floating through life. Now is the time to make those changes. Now is the time to let peace transform my life, to discover what matters. It is time to focus on reconciliation-first with myself, then with other from which there is a sense of estrangement, a lack of closure, any sense of "unfinished business". I'm starting with the man in the mirror, and I'm asking him to change his ways...