With the help of medication and counseling, I have my battle with anxiety under control. I feel alive for perhaps the first time in my life. I no longer spend my days agonizing over ailments that might be, analyzing each little ache and pain, worried about events that may or may not happen. While those anxieties have been more or less replaced by peace, I find myself battling a new anxiety. The new anxiety is within me, and is the reinvention thereof. The new anxiety is in deciding and discerning the path before me.
With the fog lifted from my mind, I'm finding many things I want to explore, yet I know I can't possibly do them all. From fitness goals, music and education to hobbies, careers and finances, I am finding a bit of anxiety figuring it all out. There aren't possibly enough hours in a day to explore all the things I would like to do. Awakened in me is a curiosity and a zest for things I've never before known, and the opening of new chapters in my life. I find myself reinvesting in old friendships. I'm becoming a much more secure and independent person, doing things I would have never seen myself doing a year or more ago. Awaking each day, I am beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin. I find as I go through the day, I often walk a little taller, smile a little more. Is this what self-esteem feels like?
Here's my confession: I always thought that as I approached 35 I would have my life figured out. I figured that most everything in my life would be settled. However, I'm finding the opposite to be true. The closer I get to reaching that milestone in my life, the more my life is transitioning, the more it is coming into being. I have the past behind me to remind me of where I have been, and to serve as motivation to move me forward into a future of change. I must keep pressing on, reinventing myself with a dogged determination. I must examine the relationships in my life, change or eliminate those which are bogging me down, and surround myself with those who encourage me. The last six months or so have been an amazing journey for me, yet this is only the beginning. I can't begin to fathom where I'll be a year from now. This new anxiety within me is not necessarily a bad thing. It does not paralyze me like my previous anxieties have done. I must learn to slow down, take each day as it comes, put one foot in front of the other and grow to love the person I will become.
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Gosh-I wonder if what you're experiencing is because you never really thought you could do very much, you know? As if no one in your life had encouraged you at ALL, so you figured your options were totally limited. Now you are seeing that you can pretty much do what you want to do, based on intelligence, talent and hard work. It's a good problem to have, but I understand the problem choosing-I've had that problem all my life...I want to do EVERYTHING...
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