ON BEING GAY

"When did you know?" "How long have you been that way?" Those are just two examples of questions people have asked me upon finding out that I'm gay. My general reply to these questions is honest and straightforward. As simple as it sounds, I've known my whole life. I don't think I had a name for it, but I knew when I was in the second grade that I should be more attracted to a couple of cute little girls named Heather and Zoë than I was to a couple of the boys, (who shall remain nameless).

From my earliest memories, it was my natural inclination to be attracted to my own gender. Yet, being self-aware at that early age didn't make it any easier to accept. I endured years of name calling, bullying and self-loathing. In fact, by the time I reached upper Junior High, I was ready for a completely new start, begging my parents to allow me to switch schools. After my freshman year, my parents gave in and allowed me to change schools. I don't believe I ever told them why I wanted to change schools. I believe my argument was that since the school was smaller, I'd have better opportunities. While that, indeed, was true, my ulterior motive was to get away from the name-calling and harassment of my classmates. At the new school, things weren't exactly perfect, but they were better. I was only harassed a couple of times by a couple of the "jocks". However, I believe my academic opportunities were much more abundant. So, it all worked out for the good.

Add to the harassment at school the constant message I was hearing from the Christian community about how being gay is a sin, and you have recipe for depression, fear, confusion and, yes, self-loathing. I spent many years praying for peace in my life, that if God could take it away, that it would be taken away, I read everything I could get my hands on, watched every thing I could on the subject and finally reached the point where coming out was no longer a question of "if", but rather a matter of "when". I went to a Southern Baptist-affiliated college. After coming out my senior year of college, it became apparent to me that I would no longer be able to be a Southern Baptist. A week after coming out to my mother, I walked into a large United Methodist church in downtown Knoxville, Tennessee. It was there where I felt the very presence of God in a way like I never had before. The choral antiphon prior to the processional that morning was "The Best of Rooms", a somewhat obscure a cappella piece by Randall Thompson. The voices echoed throughout that Gothic-style sanctuary as though I had walked into the presence of God. I was at peace. It was as though God whispered "It's ok." I had found MY sanctuary.

That was nearly twelve years ago. The world in which we live today is much kinder than it was back then. Gay people are seen in all facets of life and young people are coming out much younger than ever before. As a society, we have made a lot of progress. Yet, we have yet to arrive at complete acceptance and equality.

Here's my confession: Being gay to me is as natural as breathing. I cannot imagine my life without my attraction to men. Anything less than that would be unnatural to me. It's not something I flaunt around and not something that I publicly announce, nor is it something I endeavor to hide. The debate could go on for ages as to whether it is because of nature, nurture, a combination, etc. Honestly, to me, none of that matters. What does matter is that I have peace with God, the acceptance of those who matter most in my life and peace with myself. There are probably as many answers to what it means to be gay as there are individuals. To me, being gay means being true to myself and embracing the person God created me be. There are a million stereotypes I'll never live up to, a few that I probably will, but at the heart of the issue is not what I do, it is who I am. I am a man who is attracted to men. I honestly don't believe it is something that I had a choice about. Who would chose to live a life where you are constantly judged, teased, and, in many cases, condemned because of being who you are? That's a no-brainer. None of us would. Instead, I choose to live a life of honesty, openness and integrity. Which is better? Openness and honesty or hiding your true self "in the closest"? For me, I prefer the former, and for that, I believe I have earned most people's respect.