GOTTA GET THROUGH THIS

The journey toward healing after the break-up of my relationship with Parker has been difficult, especially in the last couple of weeks. There are good days and bad days. I suppose the fact that we are still living and interacting with one another on a daily basis doesn't help matters, but I feel fortunate that we are still able-most of the time-to be civil to one another. Some ask how I do it. Why don't we just cut our losses, sell the house and truly separate? That's an easy question to ask and a difficult question to answer. I just don't think the time is right for us to do that. The truth is that I believe that we both genuinely still care for—even love one another.

I've spent nearly five years of my life with Parker. They were five of the best years of my life. It was during those five years that I experienced a tremendous amount of growth, self-awareness and peace within myself. Even though a while back we hit a rut in the relationship, I have to believe that the friendship and memories are salvageable. I certainly wouldn't be where I am today without Parker. Yet, those memories, shared experiences and, yes, indeed, love, that we shared, make this parting a most difficult task for me. My previous relationship lasted a little over six years, and was nowhere near as difficult for me when it ended. I've cried so many tears since reality set in a couple of weeks ago. I've experienced true grief, true pain and, at times, incredible emptiness. Yet, I'm learning every day, that experiencing the pain is part of the healing process.

Friends encourage me by telling me that I'm doing all the right things, that I'm going through all the normal emotions, that things will be fine, and assure me that I will love again. And, while I truly believe all of their words of support and encouragement, it's still difficult to see the healing that will come to pass. It's hard to believe that some day, I will give my love, my life, to another man. It's difficult to think of not having Parker in my day-to-day life. It's difficult to accept the fact that we grew apart as "husbands" and even more so, that we may have ignored warning signs along the way that perhaps we shouldn't have ever been together as anything more than friends in the first place.

Here's my confession: Though I feel like I've lost a significant part of myself in the loss of the relationship with Parker, I am comforted by the things I've gained. I've gained a wonderful family through him. His parents are absolutely two of the most genuine, caring and accepting individuals I've ever met. They continue to consider me as a son, and part of the family. I've gained a sense of independence, though that is still a work in progress. I've gained an awareness of the beauty and rewards friendship can provide, not only through Parker, but friends I've made along the way. I'm gaining, daily, a new sense of self, clarity, and peace. Parker and I are dealing with the situation in our own way. It's been an emotional journey for both of us. It's been difficult seeing him move on with his life. It's difficult knowing that some of the aspects of our relationship are now off-limits and cross the "friendship line". Tomorrow, we head for our first session with my counselor since the decision to break up. Time, they say, heals all wounds. In the words of the Daniel Bedingfield song "Gotta Get Through This", "I gotta get through this, I gotta get through this, I gotta make it, gonna make, gonna make it through, I'm gotta get through thisI gotta get through this, I gotta take my, gotta take my mind off you Give me just a second and I'll be all right, Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart, Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okayJust another day and then I'll hold you tight."

That's my focus now. I just gotta get through this. Then, tomorrow, everything's gonna be alright.