LETTING GO

I have to let him go, get him out of my heart, my mind. You never know what you've got until it's gone. Breaking up was the stark realization to me of the ways I had contributed to the break up. A world of what-ifs surrounds me. What if I had not isolated myself for the last few months, what if we had been more honest and open with one another all along? What if I had learned to be an individual while being part of a couple? What if we had truly met in the middle? What if we had celebrated our differences rather than allowing them to divide? Analyzing the past surely won't contribute to a future with us. That doesn't mean that I don't still love him, that I don't, on some level, wish things had been different, that someday, somehow, reconciliation could happen.

Letting go of the person I've loved more than anything in life has been gut-wrenching. While we have clearly vowed to be best friends for life, a large part of my heart is broken. Even though I believe we've salvaged our friendship and a good part of our love and cherish our shared memories, I know that changes will no doubt come our way.

Here's my confession: You never think on the day you stand before your friends and families and make vows to one another to love one another throughout life that the happiness you share that day will ever end. Yet, the day comes, when you realize that your relationship hasn’t lived up to those vows.

As I’ve written earlier in the week, I’m grieving. Part of me wishes that we could work this out, and be happier together than we’ve ever been. Another part of me wants to just take the opportunity that lies before me and grow. Perhaps this experience has prepared me for something greater. Even though I’m in emotional turmoil right now, I know the pain won’t last forever. There are better days ahead. The tears will eventually end. And someday-a month, six months, a year from now, regardless of what becomes of my relationship with Parker, I’m going to be a stronger person, and, if nothing else, I’ll still have a friend in Parker. And, right now, I can’t ask for anything more.