PEACEFUL EASY FEELING

I changed my status on one of the popular social networking sites the other day to "...has a peaceful easy feeling." That is exactly the feeling I've been experiencing this week. Things aren't perfect with the ending of my relationship with Parker, sorting out, in order to deal with, financial issues, deciding what to do about the house, but I'm not worried. I'm in a good place in my life. I'm not worried that I have not been making my bonus at work. I am not worried that I am not in a relationship. It is almost indescribable, this sense of peace I'm experiencing right now. I just have a sense that things are going to work out completely the way they are supposed to.

Working on myself has been the most gratifying experience of my entire life. When I look at the tremendous weight I was carrying around a year ago and look at how far I've come, I am absolutely amazed. I'm making decisions I've never made before, I'm finding a comfort just being in the now. I can't allow myself to focus on love relationships that either ran their course or never came to fruition at all. I can't dwell on the fact that, despite the cards, letters and emails I've sent, my relationship with my parents and other family members is now fairly non-existent. I can't allow myself to dwell on the dry, mundane day to day activities of work and chores; instead of dwelling on all the seemingly negative aspects of my life, I have to use them to propel me forward. Friendships, relationships, familial connections and choices of career will all fall into their niche as soon as I let go of my resistance. I have learned that allowing myself to experience the pain and frustration that come with life, I'm more easily able to work on finding peace, or, as is more likely the case, allowing peace to find me.

Here's my confession: I am almost at a loss for words by what I see happening in my life right now. Someday, if and when the time are right, I believe I'll find a man with whom to share my life, but I can't build my life around that. Hopefully, one day I'll find the courage to actually speak to my parents again-before it is too late. All the questions in my life may someday find their solutions. But, until the time comes for me to experience those things, I'll abide in this peace I feel today. This is not to say that though I'm experiencing peace right now, there aren't dark and scary moments. That's not to say that there aren't fears, because to do so would be a lie. But, it is to say that when I look at myself in the mirror, I can look with a sense of pride in how far I've come and look forward to the journey ahead. I'd be remiss if I didn't give credit to my dear friends who have accompanied me on this journey. For every tear you've allowed me to shed, for every fear you've allowed me to verbalize and for every success you've helped me celebrate or piece of advice you've given, you've helped pave the path towards peace for me, and I am better today because of what you've enabled me to accomplish.

Delayed Gratitude 5.25.08

For all these months, I’ve paused on Friday of each week to write a weekly gratitude blog. This week, I missed my Friday routine, and the weekend has kept me busier than I had planned, so I’m a couple of days late, but I’m gong to share my gratitude nonetheless.

I say it so often in these blogs, but I am most grateful for the people in my life, my very dear and special friends. I only have a few very close friends, but even though it sounds cliché to say it, I am richer for their friendship and the role they play in my life. They are the ones who keep me grounded, the ones who point out to me when I’m taking life to seriously, introduce me to new ideas and push me in ways I won’t push myself. Friendship, true friendship, is something I don’t take lightly. It’s a sacred relationship to me. Once you are one of my friends, I take it so seriously and feel an obligation to give to the friendship and not only receive. Unfortunately, in the last couple of weeks, I’ve had to say good-bye to what I thought were the beginnings of some good friendships, but it turned out that they were not. I’m grateful that I had the wisdom to realize it so early in the process, before I had given too much of myself. Yes, it hurts to have to say good-bye to people, but better early on in the friendship than later down the road.

I’m also grateful for the changes that are happening in my life. I’m starting to really surprise myself. Ask those closest to me, and I believe they will confirm that I have come a long way in the last year. As I was driving to work one day last week, I just thought to myself “Damn, I actually made a decision…” It was absolutely a feeling I can’t explain. I’m grateful that I’m finally after nearly thirty five years of life beginning to discover who I am. It’s mostly exhilarating, though, at times, admittedly, it’s not easy. I’m learning to live in the now and to take my life one day at a time.

I’m grateful that I’ve been truly focused on my fitness routine. I’m also grateful that I was able to get a wii fit this week. It’s amazing. I’m learning Yoga—something I’ve wanted to do for so long. I’ve been mostly faithful to my gym routine and have worked out for at least half an hour or so each day with my wii. It’s only been a couple of weeks back at the gym and an even fewer number of days with the wii, but I see and feel my body changing.

I’d be remiss without being grateful for the amazing gift of my music. I’m grateful for the improvements that have, and are coming, into being as I’ve grown. I am grateful for other opportunities that lie ahead for me musically, as well.

Here’s my confession: As I mentioned earlier, this blog is a little late, but I am so grateful for people, places and experiences in my life. I’ve done so much work, but I want to send a heartfelt gratitude to all of the people who have in some way touched my life. Thanks for being part of the journey…land please stay tuned. I have a feeling that we are only at the beginning.

GRATITUDE 5.16.08

This has been a good week for me. I’ve learned a lot of lessons about myself this week. I’ve learned to let go of some feelings and fears. I’ve been encouraged by situations in my life this week that make me want to grow. I’m leaning to embrace new ideas and new experiences in my life. I look at the things in my life as being on a plate. I’m looking forward to removing some of the negative or non-productive things in my life and replacing them with some very positive experiences. I’m grateful for the people and situations in my life this week that have given me the motivation to move forward.

I’m so proud of one of the things I did this week. If you have been reading regularly, you know I’ve struggled so much with my workout routine. I’m so pleased to report that I worked out all five days this week! My body is sore, but in a very good way. I feel so extremely exhilarated and motivated to keep going. I’m grateful for the mental and physical benefits this routine is bringing and will continue to bring into my life.

I’m so grateful for the friendships that inspire me each and every day. There are three or four people I can count on each and every single day to encourage me, be honest with me and keep me grounded. Without them I shudder to think of where I would be. They have been mainstays in my life. They have brought about new experiences in my life. Mere words will never fully express my gratitude.

As I’ve looked over my short relationship with Trevor, I am grateful for the experience that relationship brought into my life. I learned so many lessons about myself, relationships and my future. I’m so very grateful and am so hopeful for what my future will bring. I believe in my heart of hearts that good things are in my future. I believe there are wonderful lessons to be learned.

I’ve been reading “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle, the Oprah Winfrey book club selection. One of the things I learned this week is to truly learn to live in the Now. The now is all we really have. It was a deep “ah-ha” moment for me. I’m so grateful for that.

Here’s my confession: This has been a week of intense change and growth for me. I’m so excited about the future. I’m even further excited about the here and now. I’m intensely grateful for the people, experiences and truths that are coming to fruition in my life. As I told a friend today, the last several months of my life have not been exactly as I had anticipated, but have been exactly what I have needed and nothing less. Each little step along the way has propelled me a little closer to my goals, in ways I may have never expected. Life is, for all practical purposes, very good…and I can think of nothing more excited for which to be grateful.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Today, Parker and I would have celebrated the fourth anniversary of our commitment ceremony. Instead, we barely shared a word. I guess that is to be expected, with both of our lives heading in different directions, my announcement earlier this week that I am ready to sell our house, and the fact that life is really changing for us.

While we would have normally spent this evening going to dinner together, probably to the Village Tavern for some filet mignon and topping off the celebration with their signature apple cobbler, I spent the evening with Fritz eating Mexican at Superior Grill. I even had a Margarita! It was absolutely a great evening for me. For Parker, his evening was spent “running errands”

While the love we once shared has cooled as time has gone along, our friendship has remained in tact, but even that has changed and is not near as close as it once was. I’m sure it will all level out at some point.

Here’s my confession: This was not a sad day for me. It was a day of reflection. Reflection of how far I have come, reflection of where I’m headed and, certainly, where I am headed. I’m so very proud of the progress I’ve made in the last few months. But, I’m even more excited of the prospects which lie ahead of me. So, on this, what would have been my anniversary, I don’t regret the decisions Parker and I have made, but I celebrate the friendship we share, the love we share and the time we had together as a couple. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Earlier this week was the day set aside to honor Mother’s. I’ve been asked several times this week what I did to celebrate my own mother. My answer, in each case, is “nothing”. I usually have to follow that up with an explanation of the relationship, or lack there of, that I have with my mother. It’s now been nearly two years since I’ve had any contact with my mother. Oh, it’s not that I haven’t tried to get in touch. I’ve written letters and sent cards, none of which have brought about any response.

So, how do you connect with someone who has become a stranger to you? On some level, yes, indeed, it is sad. But, on another level, I am at peace, knowing that I’ve done my best to reach out. The truth is that I’ve never has a close relationship with either of my parents. I am absolutely amazed at people who have a close relationship with their parents. You might even say I’m a little envious.

What would I say to my mother, given the opportunity? I’d tell her thank you for giving me life, for the opportunities that she provided me. I’d ask her forgiveness for the misunderstandings we’ve had. I wouldn’t really expect a great deal of healing from our exchange, but I would like to clear the air.

Here’s my confession: In so many ways, it feels like death has happened and I didn’t get the chance to say good bye. I wish my mother well. I really, really do. Yet, after all this time, it seems one of the most impossible tasks to expect reconciliation. I hope that she is happy and healthy and has peace in her life. Happy Mother’s Day. Thank You.

COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS

I've always dreamed of standing before the graduating class of my high school alma mater and imparting words of wisdom as they commence with their worlds. And, while I wasn't valedictorian of my class, haven't earned advanced degrees or become famous for my philanthropic works, I have lived a few years and would welcome the opportunity. Since I don't ever expect to receive such an invitation, I decided to share my wisdom with you, my loyal readers.

Distinguished Guests, Madame Principal, Parents, Families, Friends and Graduating Seniors of the Class of 2008, I come this evening to share with you lessons I've learned along the way. Many of you will not remember a single word I have to say, some of you will remember bits and pieces and some of you probably wish that we could just skip this part so you could get your diploma and get out of here, but since we have to fill time and must uphold the tradition of a commencement address, I am here.

I come to you this evening not as a successful business man, not as a famous alum of our beloved OHS, but just as an average guy who's lived an average life. I wasn't number one in my class way back in 1992, I didn't even graduate cum laude from college. My primary income doesn't even come from the area where I received my degree. I do not have a wide circle of friends. I do not have a large bank account.

The world into which you are about to go is, in many ways, a more kind world than the one into which I was thrown nearly sixteen years ago. We have technologies that were not around back then. Few, if any, of my classmates had ever heard of the internet when I was sitting where you are. Very few of us even owned a personal computer. We learned to type on electric typewriters. The verb "google" was unknown. We didn't have myspace or facebook or even cell phones. Most of us only received three channels on television. We did live in a word that was racially divided, homophobic, and, dare I say, living in this fair hamlet where we were sheltered from many of the world's vices. The world today is still racially divided, but we've come a long way. For the first time in history we will have either a white female or an African American candidate for president. Meeting a homosexual is far less shocking today than it was in the early 90's, because of mainstream media and most, if not all of us, know a gay person personally. We are a far more advanced society. But, even with the advancements we've made in technology and a society, it is still the simple things in life that remain most profound.

Many of you will go away to college or into the workforce and will take your small town values with you. While you take those values with you, go into the world with an open heart and an open mind. You're going to meet people as you go through life who are different from anyone you've ever met. You'll be exposed to things you've never experienced before. Trust your gut. The instinct is almost never incorrect. Surround yourself with people who love you and will be honest with you.

In closing, I'd like to suggest one final homework assignment for you. Later tonight, or tomorrow, write a letter. Write a letter about how you feel today, write a letter about your hopes, your dreams and your fears. Keep that letter and refer to it often. Also, keep a journal every day of your life. Journaling will give you great insight into yourself. If you don't want to write a letter, I'd encourage you to make a list of the things you wish to accomplish before you die.

Moments ago, you marched into "Pomp and Circumstance" as young students formally ending your high school experience. In a few moments you will march out to the same strains of "Pomp and Circumstance" as young men and women embarking on the journey of life. Life will be an adventure. You'll have highs and lows, and these are normal. Enjoy the ride.

In closing, I leave you with this quote: “Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth.”

Here’s my confession: It is likely that I will never give a commencement address. But, the preceding thoughts are exactly what I would say, given the opportunity.

PRAYER

I've written about prayer on my blog several times. I profess that I am a Christian and do acknowledge the power and importance of prayer. I'd be lying if I say that I set aside time every day for prayer. The truth is I'm as guilty as most people I know of just praying for specific needs, when I'm struggling with some difficulty in life or when I "need" something.

Even though I don't always remember to talk directly to God on a daily basis, I am aware of the Divine's presence in my life. "Pray always" doesn't necessarily mean talking-it can mean listening or just being still and aware of the sacred at work in our lives.

I've been reminded of my prayer life recently as I've offered up prayers for Fritz, my very dear friend who is looking desperately for a new job. I've prayed for him and issues with his family. And, I believe, it has been a powerful experience for me. I’ve prayed so very fervently about Fritz’ situation. I don’t know what the ultimate outcome will be of his situation, but I have peace knowing that something very good is going to come along for Fritz and his family.

Often when someone asks for my prayers, I will keep them in my thoughts and carry them with me. I'm not sure that qualifies as prayer, but it is how I deal with it.

Here’s my confession: There’s just something about the feeling that comes when someone tells you they are praying for you. When I became Catholic eight years ago, for confirmation I chose for myself the name “David”. I chose “David” for two reasons. First, St. David is a Patron saint of prayer. Secondly, my grandmother always said if she had a son, she would have named him David. I wanted then, as I do now, to have prayer as a strong part of my life. I confess that prayer is not the priority in my life that I wish it were. I’ve found it so difficult to discipline myself to have the type of prayer life I know I should have. On this, Pentacost Sunday, I pray that "fire" of the Holy Spirit may empower my prayer life.

GRATITUDE 5.9.08

This week has been much better for me than the last one was. Quite simply, I'm blessed. I have people in my life who genuinely care about me and the goings on in my life. How could I possibly ask for more?

The previous week was packed with emotions, fears, resentment, and uncertainty. This week, by contrast, was filled with a much greater sense of peace, vision for the future, and clarity. I'm not saying all the fear was gone, nor am I saying that I have a crystal clear picture of my tomorrows. I am extremely grateful for the way in which I was able to deal with the challenges I faced this week.

I started the week with “the talk” with Blake. You know, “the talk” where we decide to “just be friends”. Sure, I had hoped for more, but the truth is, this is the very best decision for us both. In all honesty, I don’t really expect to hear from him ever again. If I do-great. If not, life goes on, right? I’m grateful for the maturity that has allowed me to deal with this situation. Although the relationship hasn’t panned out, I learned so much from the little bit of time we did spend together. I learned that I am not ready for another serious relationship. I learned that I have a lot more of learning about myself to do. I am so grateful for the experiences I’ve had in the last few months.

As I reflect upon the last week, I am grateful for a renewed sense of hope in my life. I am grateful for a peace I feel so deeply that I can’t actually describe. I’m grateful for phone calls and text messages from the people I care most about. I’m grateful for love, friendship and all the many things that are so easily taken for granted in my every day life.

Here’s my confession: I am happy. And I’m so very grateful for this day.

Gratitude Reflections 5.2.08

In a world where there are many people who truly struggle to find things in their lives for which to express gratitude, I am humbled as I look at my life, even in the midst of a difficult week, and find so many blessings and reasons to be grateful.

I am always quick to mention the love and support of my friends. I wouldn’t be here today were it not for the love, support and encouragement of my dear friends. So many people don’t have people in their lives they can count on to keep them grounded, to keep them sane. I’d be extremely remiss to not mention the special people in my life, especially Fritz and Truvy, whom I know I can call at any time of the day and they will be there for me.

As I alluded to earlier, this week has been difficult for me. I’ve been very emotional, dealing with lots of stress, fears, and changes going on in my life, as well as looking forward to things that lie ahead. There have been several episodes of emotional breakdowns this week, which I believe have led to a great cleansing of my soul.

I started the week with a wonderful first date with Blake. I couldn’t have asked for a better date. Unfortunately, his job keeps him extremely busy, so we haven’t been able to spend any time together this week. I suppose, unfortunately, that our relationship is in a state of great question, but I rest comfortably in knowing in my heart of hearts that if it is not meant to be at this time, that if it is truly meant to be that it will happen in the future. I’m extremely grateful for the experience and hope, if nothing else, to have gained a beautiful friend from the experience.

There have been moments of fear in my life this week, moments of resentment, mainly directed at my relationship with my parents. I struggle often with the relationship with my parents (or lack thereof). I’m grateful for the life they have given me, for the opportunities they have enabled in my life, but my heart is saddened that we have had limited, if any, communication for over two years.

Here’s my confession: So, this wasn’t the greatest week of my life, emotionally. Yet, I consider myself so very blessed to have people who care about me. I’m grateful for the person I am becoming each and every day. Though I’ve experienced a great many tears and fears this week, I’m grateful that I have lived through the experience and know that the tomorrows are only going to bring more happiness into my life.