PEACEFUL EASY FEELING

I changed my status on one of the popular social networking sites the other day to "...has a peaceful easy feeling." That is exactly the feeling I've been experiencing this week. Things aren't perfect with the ending of my relationship with Parker, sorting out, in order to deal with, financial issues, deciding what to do about the house, but I'm not worried. I'm in a good place in my life. I'm not worried that I have not been making my bonus at work. I am not worried that I am not in a relationship. It is almost indescribable, this sense of peace I'm experiencing right now. I just have a sense that things are going to work out completely the way they are supposed to.

Working on myself has been the most gratifying experience of my entire life. When I look at the tremendous weight I was carrying around a year ago and look at how far I've come, I am absolutely amazed. I'm making decisions I've never made before, I'm finding a comfort just being in the now. I can't allow myself to focus on love relationships that either ran their course or never came to fruition at all. I can't dwell on the fact that, despite the cards, letters and emails I've sent, my relationship with my parents and other family members is now fairly non-existent. I can't allow myself to dwell on the dry, mundane day to day activities of work and chores; instead of dwelling on all the seemingly negative aspects of my life, I have to use them to propel me forward. Friendships, relationships, familial connections and choices of career will all fall into their niche as soon as I let go of my resistance. I have learned that allowing myself to experience the pain and frustration that come with life, I'm more easily able to work on finding peace, or, as is more likely the case, allowing peace to find me.

Here's my confession: I am almost at a loss for words by what I see happening in my life right now. Someday, if and when the time are right, I believe I'll find a man with whom to share my life, but I can't build my life around that. Hopefully, one day I'll find the courage to actually speak to my parents again-before it is too late. All the questions in my life may someday find their solutions. But, until the time comes for me to experience those things, I'll abide in this peace I feel today. This is not to say that though I'm experiencing peace right now, there aren't dark and scary moments. That's not to say that there aren't fears, because to do so would be a lie. But, it is to say that when I look at myself in the mirror, I can look with a sense of pride in how far I've come and look forward to the journey ahead. I'd be remiss if I didn't give credit to my dear friends who have accompanied me on this journey. For every tear you've allowed me to shed, for every fear you've allowed me to verbalize and for every success you've helped me celebrate or piece of advice you've given, you've helped pave the path towards peace for me, and I am better today because of what you've enabled me to accomplish.