REASONS FOR GRATITUDE 06.27.08

"Smile. God loves you." said the guest priest last Sunday. "Do you believe that-REALLY believe that?" he continued. Certainly, it is a point worth pondering, and, if we truly believe it, most definitely a reason for gratitude. I don't recall a time in which I didn't, on some level, believe and accept that God loves me. It is one of those huge things we discount or even take for granted. Where would we be without the peace that comes with such love?

I'm grateful for another week. Though the week was difficult on several personal levels for me, I've endured. On more than one occasion this week, I felt as though I had hit my brick wall again. From past experiences, I know that these bumps along the road are just bumps towards progress. I have the blessing of friends who remind me constantly just how blessed I am.

Most importantly, as I look at the things for which I am most grateful this week, I have to look at where I was a year ago. A year ago, I was so riddled with anxiety, depression, and fear that I wanted to no longer be alive. What an amazing difference a year makes. I have not fully arrived at the place of peace, but I know that I am well on my way. The last years’ journey of getting to know myself has been the most wonderful experience of my life.

Here’s my confession: Each day is a blessing. The adventure may include bumps along the way, but those bumps are reasons for gratitude. I’ve learned along the way that it is very seldom the “things” in my life for which I am grateful, though I am certainly grateful for my physical and material blessings, but I’m much more grateful for the people in my life. I don’t have a large circle of friends, and that’s ok. I have a few wonderful people in my life I know I can count on for anything I need. And, truly, who could possibly ask for more? My heart overflows with gratitude. And, yes, I’m smiling because I know God loves me.

WITH GRATITUDE

Once again, I’ve slipped in writing my gratitude blog by a couple of days. But, that’s ok.

I certainly have lots to be grateful for as I look back over the last week. First and foremost, the house if FINALLY on the market, and while it hasn’t had any traffic yet, I must keep the faith that it’s only a matter of time. Everyone has been such an encouragement to me.

I’m grateful, again, for the two felines with which I now reside (the other two moved away with Parker today.) My dear kitties have been so loving and needy. I appreciate them so much. Their soft fur just gives me such a feeling of peace when I give them my love.

I say it often, but I’m most grateful for the few very close friends who are part of my life. Life is so much more exciting with these people in my life.

I’m grateful for the sense of self that is coming into being every single day. Each new day is a blessing. Each new day is a day I’m learning something new, and learning to love myself.

Here’s my confession. I’m honestly the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life, and if that isn’t worthy of gratitude, then absolutely nothing is. Here’s to the adventure that lies ahead.

THE SIGN OF THE TIMES

Tonight I arrived home and there it is…the sign…the “For Sale” sign. I immediately went out to the garage, grabbed my small shovel and dug a small hole, and taking my statue of St. Joseph, buried it between the sign and the information box. After a day of looking at the website listing’s visual tour, and knowing the sign would be in the yard when I got home, it was a bit surreal. I’ve known this day was coming for several weeks, and certainly Parker and I have prepped the house for several weeks. Yet, there it was, The Sign.

The sign represents so much, actually. It’s not just the solicitation for a real estate transaction. It is, in essence, a sign of the ending of a relationship, one we thought would last forever. It is a sign that it’s time to move…on…with life, with our individual hopes, our individual dreams. It’s a sign of the incredible amount of work and change that I’ve gone through in the last year. It’s a sign of strength, courage, decisiveness. Peace.

Here’s my confession: The vision of the real estate sign in my yard this evening was absolutely a surreal experience for me. Burying the statue, complete with faith that this house WILL sell, and it will sell quickly. Quickly, I suppose, is a subjective term, but I believe when the time is right, God will allow the sale. It is certainly a bittersweet road I’m traveling right now. On the one hand, I wish that life hadn’t turned out the way it has for Parker and me. Yet, on the other hand, I know, in my heart of hearts, that better days, better experiences and more are just around the bend for both of us. This house is just a shell. It’s a shelter. Now, it is looking for new owners, while I look for a new place to call my own. The day, I believe, is quickly approaching when I’ll once again pack up my belongings, and settle into a life that’s already begun for me. The Sign is a reminder of good things to come. The Sign is a reminder that I’m a work in progress. The Sign confirms that a chapter in the lives of Parker and Keller is ending, but it also confirms that there are still pages, chapters, perhaps even volumes to be written both as friends and former companions, and also individually, as two people moving forward.

GRATITUDE 6.13.08

I’m lying here tonight surrounded by my two loving cats. One is tired and the other sleeping beside me and the other is lying at the end of the bed just staring at me. I’m grateful for the love and perspective they give me. Their lives are so seemingly simplistic. That’s such a lesson for me to learn.

As I look back over the last week, I’m most grateful for the person I am becoming with each new day. The person I was a year ago and the person I am today are virtually incomparable. I suppose, at heart, I’m the same person, but my perspective, the way I deal with situations, the way I look at life is completely different. The last six months of my life have been an intense period of rebuilding my life following the break up of my relationship with Parker. A couple of months ago, I was anxious to begin another relationship. Now, in hindsight, I’m so grateful that the relationship that I had started did not work out. It was not time for me. I am grateful for the time I have been given. I’m grateful that I am single. Being single is teaching me so very much about what I want, is forcing me to grow. I love the person I am becoming.

I’m again grateful for the people who are in my life to serve as my guideposts, sounding boards and confidants. I’m grateful for the prospects that lie ahead for me. I’m grateful to have people who genuinely love me.

I’m grateful for the millions of “little” things in my life that I take for granted. Each day is a miracle. Each day I’m becoming a new person, a happier person and am the most content I have ever been in my life.

I’m grateful that things are moving forward with putting our house on the market. I’m optimistic for a quick sale and positive outcome.

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for the beautiful gifts I have in my life, the changes, the peace and the contentment that I thought would always elude me. Happiness is possible, and finding completeness within myself is finally coming into fruition. Life is good.

Wii SHALL OVERCOME

After months of bemoaning the fact in my blog that I've been increasingly and incredibly unmotivated to visit my local YMCA, I have cancelled my membership. What could prompt me to do such a crazy thing? It's called Wii Fit. Oh yeah! This crazy little video game features Yoga, Strength, Aerobics and Balance games. I haven't done it everyday since I got it, but I've forced myself more regularly than I was going to the Y.

I'm learning Yoga-something I've always wanted to do, gaining a greater sense of rhythm (yes, I'm rhythmically challenged in spite of my being a musician). and I'm even noticing some definition-especially in my calves.

Now, my goal is to get up each morning and practice Yoga before I get ready for work. So far, that hasn't happened, but I have hope. I believe once I get in the habit, it will be something that I’ll do regularly…it’s just getting there that’s the hard part.

Here's my confession: I'm working out, and, in the long run, saving money. That's a great thing given the tightness of my budget and the whirlwind of activity currently taking place in my life. My new exercise routine is just one of the positive things I'm putting on my plate as I diligently seek to eliminate the negative and dysfunctional from my life. I am already experiencing a greater satisfaction in my life, and that in turn, is creating harmony deep within.

GRATITUDE 06.06.08

Wow! Another week has gone by and it’s time for me to reflect on the things for which I’m most grateful. Actually, this is the first time in a couple of weeks that I’m actually writing this blog on time, so I’m grateful for that.

As I look back over the week that was, I am most grateful for the clarity that is coming into my life. It seems that life is like a million little pieces to a puzzle, each one delicately fitting into the other. Such is my life. The pieces are starting to fall right into place. There have been times over the last few months where I was discouraged by the progress I was making. I felt I had hit a brick wall, that I had come as far on the journey towards progress as I was going to go. But, I realize, looking back, that wasn’t the case. I see, with clarity, that it’s not MY time table that I am to be following. There came a time when I had to just let go. And, when I did, the progress began again. Among the tiny little pieces of the puzzle are the larger-than-life blessings I call my friends who are so often quick to point out my progress. They are the ones who cheer me on to the next step on the journey, who cheer me on during the rough times and celebrate with me during the good times. While much of the journey has been of my own making, without these wonderful people in my life, both near and far, I cannot imagine that my journey would have been nearly as productive.

I’m grateful for an experience I had earlier in the week. It happened, of all places, at the bank. After making a deposit, the teller handed me my receipt. Now, my bank has recently started having their tellers write something on the receipt with their name…something like “Thanks for banking with us”. My receipt said “Enjoy Life! Nina”. That simple phrase made my day, my week. I was so moved that I wrote a note to the branch manager expressing my gratitude. I’ve never done anything like that in my life, but I hope that in some way her touching my life in such a positive way touched her life as well.

On a very personal level, I’m grateful for life. As some of you may know, my anxiety level, my depression, my overall dissatisfaction with life was at a very high level around this time last year. I was so over life that I wanted to die. I’m not talking suicide—I’m sure I’d find a way to screw that up and just be a vegetable for the rest of my days—just lying there for someone else to have to care for. However, there were days, which were more often than not, that I thought about death—how if there were just an auto accident and I could leave this world that things would be so much better. Now, a year later, I look back at the progress I’ve made, the LIFE I have inside me. The hopes, the dreams, and the future that is very much alive. I’m grateful for the medication, the counseling, and again, the friendships that have propelled me forward and taught me to look back only long enough to remember where I was, and how that’s a place I hope to never return.

Here’s my confession: This week, in many ways, has just been another ordinary, mundane week. But, if we are focused and look close enough, it’s in the mundane that we see the true treasures we all hold. Treasure, true treasure, is not necessarily things so much as it is people, situations and experiences. That’s where I’ve found my treasure, my gratitude, this week.

DELAYED GRATITUDE

Delayed gratitude is better than no gratitude at all, I tell myself as I lie here unable to fall asleep. I could probably fall asleep a lot easier, but my mind is heavy tonight thinking of all the things in my lie that I’m dealing with—ranging from finances to the reinvention of myself. That’s enough to keep anyone awake.

I really hope to get back into writing my gratitude blog on Fridays beginning this week, but for one reason or another, I haven’t been able to get to that task the last couple of weeks.

As I write this it is a little after midnight my time on Monday morning. The weekend is now behind me. A week of obligations, experiences and, no doubt, challenges will be coming my way in a matter of hours when the alarm clock rings. Oh, I’ll hit the snooze button a couple of times to delay the inevitable, but I can’t delay it forever. I’m already tired, and thinking of the fact that a little more than six hours from now the alarm is going to awaken me is, to be honest, not on my top ten list of things that would make me happy, but such is life.

While I pause to reflect over the last week, I’m grateful for the many experiences in my life which allowed me to see just how far I’ve come as a person in the last year. I’m grateful for the decisiveness I’m beginning to experience. There’s a freedom in knowing that I’ve empowered myself to do something. I’m becoming a little more independent each day and have honestly never felt so complete in my entire life. The really exciting part about this whole process is that I believe that I am only at the beginning.

I’m grateful for the affirmations I receive from those who absolutely know me best. I’m grateful for the “protection” my friends provide, for their sound advice and their encouragement to keep on going each and every day.

I’m grateful for the NOW. The Now is the only time I honestly have, and I trying to learn that simple truth. Embracing it has made a world difference for me.

Here’s my confession: I’m a little more than a couple of days late with this blog. I confess that I miss blogging my thoughts on a regular basis. I hope to bring them back very soon. My true confession is that I am grateful for my friends, especially Truvy and Fritz, without whom I don’t know where I’d have been able to get back in the swing of things. I’m grateful for each person who has touched my life.

I’m also very grateful for the beauty for the rain which fell this afternoon. Rainy days are so beautiful. To me, it’s like the watering of my soul.