THE HOMOPHOBIC HOMO?

I am gay. As far as I am aware, I've been gay my whole entire life. That's not news, not even really even a confession, just fact. Whether you agree with my position or not is a moot point.

While I am comfortable, in most cases, with being out and gay, there's one thing I've struggled for years to accept-other gay men. Gay men run the gamut. There are the extremely conservative to the über flamboyant, and just like the rainbow that supposedly unites us, a variety of colors and shades in between.

I would say I fall somewhere in the middle, leaning more towards the conservative than the flamboyant, bringing out the lisp only on occasion, and then, only for effect. I'm proud, but not in-your- face. I have very few gay friends; I don't do the gay club scene. My life, in general, is rather low key, mostly drama free and uneventful. I go to work, go home, go to church, I pay my taxes and lead a fairly "normal" life.

I feel a great deal of acceptance from those around me. I don't make any great effort whatsoever to hide the fact that I'm gay. To me, it's always just an aspect of who I am, not the end all be all. I like the story I head the other day. Two friends were talking and one said to the other "What would you prefer to be called-Black or African American?" The friend replied "Charles." And so it is with me. I'd rather just be known as "Keller". There's no real need to qualify my name with my orientation.

And now there is tonight. After pondering all day whether or not to do it, I decided to go to choir practice. The Gay Men's Choir practice. I went back and forth today as to whether or not I would go. I almost chickened out and didn’t go. But, after the encouraging words of some close friends, I went. And, while the first few minutes I was a little nervous because I didn’t know anyone, but once we started singing, I felt more comfortable.

Here's my confession: I'm a homophobic homosexual. There, I said it. That's my big secret. Being around (some) gay men creeps me out. It's their flamboyance, their in-your-face attitude that gives the rest of us a bad name. We live in a better time now than perhaps ever before, in terms of acceptance. However, even with the number of gay characters on television, the number of "out" celebrities, it seems that it's still the negative that gets reported. Maybe that's the reason for my inner homophobia. I know I'm not alone, because I've discussed the topic with other gay men. Maybe getting out and exposing myself to other people, experiencing music with other men who happen to be gay, will help me combat my own internal homophobia.