It has been another week, another chapter in the ebb and flow of living that is my life. There have been some truly serendipitous moments in this week, some moments of enlightenment and some emotional highs and lows. Yet, through it all, I’ve been grateful—deeply grateful—for each moment that has passed, has somehow left me as a better person.
I’m grateful for my dear friends, who have been so supportive as my life has taken twists and turns that I didn’t even see coming myself, most obviously my new relationship with Lane.
It’s now been just over three months since my 35th birthday. Prior to my birthday, I was so excited because I had vowed that 35 would be a pivotal year for me, a year of marked change. Today, while having a very personal conversation with a dear friend, and I realized that there have already been so many changes. Joining the Choral Society was the single biggest step I’ve taken to this point. That single gutsy move I took to walk into that first rehearsal has changed my life forever. I’ve developed a network of friends who are like a family to me, and as an added benefit, I am able to make music with these men. I met my wonderful boyfriend through the choir. I’m just amazed, overwhelmed and filled with gratitude when I think of the gifts this group has brought into my life. There are other exciting opportunities looming on the horizon and I’m looking forward to sharing them with you as they happen.
I’m grateful again as I recall the gifts that music has brought into my life. I’m grateful to have found my voice again, to be able to use it and for my skills as both a keyboardist and accompanist are growing.
I’m grateful that I was able to meet many of Lane’s closest friends tonight, and that it was such a comfortable experience for me. I’m grateful for the word “Love” and for the many things it means. It’s often unexpected and surreal.
Here’s my confession: I’ve been walking around through many emotional highs and lows over the last week. I’m starting to come down from a huge emotional high and starting to settle back down into reality. Despite fears and conflicted emotions, I am grateful for the experiences that have come, and are coming my way. I am finding that I’m often at a loss for words these days. Yet, all in all, there’s so much more gratitude in my life and I’m looking forward to the many blessings still to come.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
THROWING CAUTION TO THE WIND
I have a boyfriend. I’m in a relationship. This wasn’t supposed to happen yet. I was supposed to be in relationship “time out” until after Valentine's Day, 2009. But, I’m sitting here, gathering my thoughts as I sit on my boyfriend’s sofa. Oh, I’ve heard my friends’ concerns: “Take it slow.” “Enjoy it.” “Don’t rush.” “Be Careful.” These are no doubt phrases I’ve heard over and over the last few weeks from my friends, who because they are my friends have my best interest in mind. And, try as I might, it seems that I’ve thrown caution to the wind. That’s not to say that I’m being ridiculous, but I admit that things have gone faster that I’d have ever imagined they would. But, in talking with other couples, I take solace in the fact that you can’t put a timeline on love and relationships. Each relationship takes its own timetable. And, sometimes you just know.
The only thing I know to do is to live each day and experience it fully. It’s hard to keep myself from looking into the future, wondering and dreaming about what the tomorrows hold for Lane and me. I wonder if it’s wrong to even look into the tomorrows. I sometimes wonder if we’ve both lost our minds. Then, we look at one another, and I remember all our commonalities, and I think maybe, just maybe, I’m not that crazy after all. The future is still being written, and today is truly all we have.
Here’s my confession: Even though I’ve changed a lot in the last year and a half, there’s still a lot of fear in me. I bring a lot of baggage with me into this relationship. I wonder what I have to do to keep things alive, to keep the same mistakes that happened in my two previous relationships from happening again. It’s difficult, but not impossible. I have to learn, and find, that delicate balance in my life where I don’t lose “me”, as I so often do. It’s all about striking that balance so that there’s the individual and the couple. So, I’ve thrown caution to the wind. Falling in love is a mysterious thing. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Even if it all falls apart, which I hope it doesn’t, I’m better for the experience. I’d be lying if I were to say that I’m not scared about where things are heading, and how fast they’ve gone. But, at the same time, I am grateful that my path has crossed with someone who loves me, respects me and that all indications point to someone with whom a bright future is not out of the question. I find myself physically and emotionally drained these days, but, as I’ve said before, Life IS good, and it’s only getting better with the dawning of each new day. It’s definitely an exciting time to be alive, and I’m blessed to have found someone who wants to share my todays and tomorrows with me.
The only thing I know to do is to live each day and experience it fully. It’s hard to keep myself from looking into the future, wondering and dreaming about what the tomorrows hold for Lane and me. I wonder if it’s wrong to even look into the tomorrows. I sometimes wonder if we’ve both lost our minds. Then, we look at one another, and I remember all our commonalities, and I think maybe, just maybe, I’m not that crazy after all. The future is still being written, and today is truly all we have.
Here’s my confession: Even though I’ve changed a lot in the last year and a half, there’s still a lot of fear in me. I bring a lot of baggage with me into this relationship. I wonder what I have to do to keep things alive, to keep the same mistakes that happened in my two previous relationships from happening again. It’s difficult, but not impossible. I have to learn, and find, that delicate balance in my life where I don’t lose “me”, as I so often do. It’s all about striking that balance so that there’s the individual and the couple. So, I’ve thrown caution to the wind. Falling in love is a mysterious thing. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Even if it all falls apart, which I hope it doesn’t, I’m better for the experience. I’d be lying if I were to say that I’m not scared about where things are heading, and how fast they’ve gone. But, at the same time, I am grateful that my path has crossed with someone who loves me, respects me and that all indications point to someone with whom a bright future is not out of the question. I find myself physically and emotionally drained these days, but, as I’ve said before, Life IS good, and it’s only getting better with the dawning of each new day. It’s definitely an exciting time to be alive, and I’m blessed to have found someone who wants to share my todays and tomorrows with me.
Friday, October 17, 2008
GRATITUDE 10.17.08
Tonight as I contemplate the things about which I am most grateful, I realize that this has been a tremendous week and that I have so many blessings for which to be thankful.
So many changes are happening in my life right now. There are many blessings that music is bringing into my life. I would have never dreamed after I graduated with my degree in music that I would actually find enjoyment later in life. After graduating, music had lost much of its passion. Years of analyzing chords, studying the history of music, singing in various choirs, supposedly learning correct vocal techniques and having theories pounded into my head had robbed me of the beauty that is music. Since I began accompanying for church a little over two years ago, I’ve begun to grow in so many ways as a musician. And, in the two months since I joined the Magic City Choral Society, I’ve discovered the hidden beauty in singing that I had long forgotten. In addition, I’m awed by the friendships I’m forging through my involvement with this group.
Also this week, I’ve been reminded of many wonderful memories of my college days after looking through photos that friends have been sharing on facebook. Many of us have been reminded of memories long forgotten and have enjoyed reminiscing about those days gone by, and the beauty of our young adulthood and lasting relationships.
My new relationship with Lane continues to be a point of gratitude for me. Although it’s only been a few weeks, it seems like much longer. Each new day shows us new commonalities, new connections and a hope for the future. These new feelings are so amazing. I’m grateful for the love and gifts he is bringing into my life. I’m grateful for the love and support of my dear friends, and I’m so anxious to share with them this very happy part of my life.
Here’s my confession: Despite a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows these last few weeks, I am full of gratitude for each of the blessings in my life. Just being alive to experience these new experiences is amazing to me. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty damn good. I’m so grateful for the people who are in my life and who encourage me each and every day. I’m grateful for laughter and tears. I’m grateful to be alive, to be the person I am today, and, while I’m certainly trying to live in the Now, I can’t help looking into a future that looks bright and beautiful. It’s a future full of hope and dreams, and I can’t imagine asking for anything more.
So many changes are happening in my life right now. There are many blessings that music is bringing into my life. I would have never dreamed after I graduated with my degree in music that I would actually find enjoyment later in life. After graduating, music had lost much of its passion. Years of analyzing chords, studying the history of music, singing in various choirs, supposedly learning correct vocal techniques and having theories pounded into my head had robbed me of the beauty that is music. Since I began accompanying for church a little over two years ago, I’ve begun to grow in so many ways as a musician. And, in the two months since I joined the Magic City Choral Society, I’ve discovered the hidden beauty in singing that I had long forgotten. In addition, I’m awed by the friendships I’m forging through my involvement with this group.
Also this week, I’ve been reminded of many wonderful memories of my college days after looking through photos that friends have been sharing on facebook. Many of us have been reminded of memories long forgotten and have enjoyed reminiscing about those days gone by, and the beauty of our young adulthood and lasting relationships.
My new relationship with Lane continues to be a point of gratitude for me. Although it’s only been a few weeks, it seems like much longer. Each new day shows us new commonalities, new connections and a hope for the future. These new feelings are so amazing. I’m grateful for the love and gifts he is bringing into my life. I’m grateful for the love and support of my dear friends, and I’m so anxious to share with them this very happy part of my life.
Here’s my confession: Despite a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows these last few weeks, I am full of gratitude for each of the blessings in my life. Just being alive to experience these new experiences is amazing to me. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty damn good. I’m so grateful for the people who are in my life and who encourage me each and every day. I’m grateful for laughter and tears. I’m grateful to be alive, to be the person I am today, and, while I’m certainly trying to live in the Now, I can’t help looking into a future that looks bright and beautiful. It’s a future full of hope and dreams, and I can’t imagine asking for anything more.
Monday, October 13, 2008
LOVE, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!
As I announced in my last blog, there’s a new relationship in my life. There I was, just going along with the flow of life, and out of the blue, there it came. This wasn’t supposed to happen this soon. But, happen it did. And, then, unexpectedly my life turned into this love song. It’s been a roller coaster of emotion.
After my break-up earlier this year, I had thought maybe I would never love again. I wasn’t sure I wanted to put myself out there, to take that risk. Then I started dating a little here and there. I took a little time to get to know myself better. Still, it wasn’t supposed to happen this soon—or was it? Serendipity took over. And now, I’m looking at a life I never imagined.
It has been said that every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. How true that is. A year ago I was struggling in a relationship that just wasn’t working. Parker and I were barely hanging on. Then, the first of the year came along and shortly after we ended the relationship. A learning experience, for sure, the entire five years we spent together. The months that followed the break-up were a learning experience as well, as I learned to live with and get to know myself all over again.
In August, I made the bravest step of the entire year by joining the Magic City Choral Society. I began to see a wider social circle for myself. There were friends out there I never expected to make. Relationships I never expected to forge. I was content with my evenings practicing piano, petting the cats and watching DVDs of The Golden Girls. Life had something else in mind. Now, my social life has exploded, and a now a real, genuine, loving relationship is emerging.
Here’s my confession: I’ve spent the last couple of weeks questioning if I’ve moved too fast, if this is REALLY love, if I’m just crazy, and on and on and on. However, tonight, as I was driving down the interstate, I realized I can’t control what’s going on. Love is not a rational emotion. Love is something you have to just experience. It has ups and downs, highs and lows. So, even though there are many questions in my heart and mind right now, the best thing I can possibly do is just go along for the ride, to live in the now. Wherever the road takes Lane and me, we’re going to go together. The lines of communication are strong, our fears and concerns are out in the open and, our relationship is a blank canvas, waiting to be filled with many vibrant hues. I have someone who loves me, adores me, and understands me. How could I possibly allow myself to doubt that or fear to cloud the experience? I can’t. I’ll remind myself of that as we snuggle up to one another, and even as moments of difficulty creep in.
After my break-up earlier this year, I had thought maybe I would never love again. I wasn’t sure I wanted to put myself out there, to take that risk. Then I started dating a little here and there. I took a little time to get to know myself better. Still, it wasn’t supposed to happen this soon—or was it? Serendipity took over. And now, I’m looking at a life I never imagined.
It has been said that every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. How true that is. A year ago I was struggling in a relationship that just wasn’t working. Parker and I were barely hanging on. Then, the first of the year came along and shortly after we ended the relationship. A learning experience, for sure, the entire five years we spent together. The months that followed the break-up were a learning experience as well, as I learned to live with and get to know myself all over again.
In August, I made the bravest step of the entire year by joining the Magic City Choral Society. I began to see a wider social circle for myself. There were friends out there I never expected to make. Relationships I never expected to forge. I was content with my evenings practicing piano, petting the cats and watching DVDs of The Golden Girls. Life had something else in mind. Now, my social life has exploded, and a now a real, genuine, loving relationship is emerging.
Here’s my confession: I’ve spent the last couple of weeks questioning if I’ve moved too fast, if this is REALLY love, if I’m just crazy, and on and on and on. However, tonight, as I was driving down the interstate, I realized I can’t control what’s going on. Love is not a rational emotion. Love is something you have to just experience. It has ups and downs, highs and lows. So, even though there are many questions in my heart and mind right now, the best thing I can possibly do is just go along for the ride, to live in the now. Wherever the road takes Lane and me, we’re going to go together. The lines of communication are strong, our fears and concerns are out in the open and, our relationship is a blank canvas, waiting to be filled with many vibrant hues. I have someone who loves me, adores me, and understands me. How could I possibly allow myself to doubt that or fear to cloud the experience? I can’t. I’ll remind myself of that as we snuggle up to one another, and even as moments of difficulty creep in.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Gratitude 10.11.08
Welcome back to my blog. I’ve taken a bit of an unintentional hiatus from writing and am hopeful in the next few days and weeks to get back in the habit of sharing my life with you, my loyal friends and readers.
I have written recently about how grateful for my involvement in the Magic City Choral Society. I’ve been blessed in so many ways in the nearly two months since I walked into that very first rehearsal. I’m most grateful for the friendships and relationships I’d have never had the opportunity or courage to develop otherwise. I am grateful for the music which is now stirring in my life, both figuratively and literally.
I am grateful for the new love in my life, Lane. Ours is a relationship that is at the beginning stages, but we have a connection that seems as though we’ve know one another for years. It’s as though we are two pieces to a puzzle and we just fit. Who knows where the road may lead us, but the timing feels right for me to open up and give my heart to someone who will take care of it. For those who do not know, we met as part of the Choral Society.
I’m grateful for the love and support of my dear friends. Even if they think I’ve absolutely lost my mind, these people who truly have my best interests at heart have voiced opinions and concerns, then wished me well. I could ask for nothing less.
I’ve always thought I didn’t have a lot of friends. However, I am reminded on an almost daily basis, whether it is in person or through my growing list of friends on facebook, I’m truly blessed with friends both near and far. After years of feeling like a misfit of sorts, it feels good to reach the point in my life where I feel like I’ve arrived at this peaceful place in my life. I’m grateful for the wisdom that comes with adulthood and the connection I’ve made with people from my past, people with whom I’d never had expected to make a connection.
We, as a people are at a terribly difficult time in our country economically, and certainly that economic difficulty has not just passed me by, but I’m grateful for the minor blessings in my life that are allowing me to get through.
Here’s my confession: I’ve missed writing my blog. I’ve missed sharing the deeply personal events of my life with you through my blog. The last few weeks of my life have been an like an extreme roller coaster, in each and every area of my life-love, finances, and the future. I’m trying to keep my thoughts grounded in here and now. Dreams I’d long buried are coming back to the top of my mind. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I discover the beauty that my tomorrows will hold for me. Thanks for reading. My blog will be back in full force within in a few days.
I have written recently about how grateful for my involvement in the Magic City Choral Society. I’ve been blessed in so many ways in the nearly two months since I walked into that very first rehearsal. I’m most grateful for the friendships and relationships I’d have never had the opportunity or courage to develop otherwise. I am grateful for the music which is now stirring in my life, both figuratively and literally.
I am grateful for the new love in my life, Lane. Ours is a relationship that is at the beginning stages, but we have a connection that seems as though we’ve know one another for years. It’s as though we are two pieces to a puzzle and we just fit. Who knows where the road may lead us, but the timing feels right for me to open up and give my heart to someone who will take care of it. For those who do not know, we met as part of the Choral Society.
I’m grateful for the love and support of my dear friends. Even if they think I’ve absolutely lost my mind, these people who truly have my best interests at heart have voiced opinions and concerns, then wished me well. I could ask for nothing less.
I’ve always thought I didn’t have a lot of friends. However, I am reminded on an almost daily basis, whether it is in person or through my growing list of friends on facebook, I’m truly blessed with friends both near and far. After years of feeling like a misfit of sorts, it feels good to reach the point in my life where I feel like I’ve arrived at this peaceful place in my life. I’m grateful for the wisdom that comes with adulthood and the connection I’ve made with people from my past, people with whom I’d never had expected to make a connection.
We, as a people are at a terribly difficult time in our country economically, and certainly that economic difficulty has not just passed me by, but I’m grateful for the minor blessings in my life that are allowing me to get through.
Here’s my confession: I’ve missed writing my blog. I’ve missed sharing the deeply personal events of my life with you through my blog. The last few weeks of my life have been an like an extreme roller coaster, in each and every area of my life-love, finances, and the future. I’m trying to keep my thoughts grounded in here and now. Dreams I’d long buried are coming back to the top of my mind. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I discover the beauty that my tomorrows will hold for me. Thanks for reading. My blog will be back in full force within in a few days.
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