REARVIEW MIRROR: A LOOK BACK AT 2008

As we approach the end of 2008, I pause to reflect on where my journey has taken me this year. I began the year with a major life change-Parker and I ended our relationship in late January. That was the beginning of an incredible journey that would last me throughout the year. It wasn’t always easy, and at times there were a few tears shed, but in the end, a friendship with Parker has remained, and his family still treats me as though I’m one of their own.

This was the year that I turned 35—a milestone I’d looked toward for a good long while. My birthday could not have been a better day. I was surrounded by most of my closest friends at a dinner. I vowed that 35 would be a year of change. So far it has been.

My biggest change was also one of the scariest. I joined the Magic City Choral Society-Birmingham’s Gay Men’s Chorus. Walking into that first rehearsal was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I knew not the first soul. That quickly changed, as my fears, inner homophobia and introverted nature melted away and true friendships began to form. In addition to amazing friendships, I experienced growth and enjoyment as a musician and a renewed loved for choral singing.

Through my involvement with the Choral Society there have been many doors opened in my life. In fact, it’s given me the opportunity to create a “family” for myself. I have more friends than I ever imagined I would ever have. I always thought the saying “you can never have too many friends” was just a bunch of crap. However, as I grow and mature, I’m starting to see the wisdom in that statement. There's just such an indescribable feeling knowing that there are people in my life who truly care about me. I'm beginning to taste contentment with life, and am experiencing a peace I thought only elusive.

There have been some down moments this year-the breaking off of the relationship with Parker also means a great deal has changed financially. It means the house must sell-and that is something that still hasn't happened, but I remain positive that it will sell when the time is right. I'm content with the situation and know that there's ultimately nothing we can do but sit and wait. A bittersweet moment happened on my birthday-I received a phone call from my mother-the first time we had spoken in well over two years-the conversation was civil and fairly brief, and I honestly don't recall a great many of the details because it was such a shock. That call was the only contact I received from either of my parents this year, despite efforts I made to reach out through my letters and cards to them. It's a sad, but simple fact of life I've come to accept. I've made contact with my Aunt Jean and her son and his wife through email, but those have been my only interactions with my family of origin this year.

Spiritually speaking, this year has been one of enlightenment. I remain completely, unapologetically "Cafeteria Catholic". My spiritual journey over the last year has introduced me to the spiritual teachings of Eckhart Tolle. His writings in "A New Earth" and "The Power of Now" have been life-changing. Learning to live in the NOW has been an incredible principle to learn in my life. Such simple concepts seem easy to implement, but even harder to practice. My belief in God has shifted, and I believe that to be positive. Yet, much to the chagrin of my more fundamental friends, I believe that the path to God is far more simple than we make it out to be, and whether we follow the teachings of Jesus, the Buddha or some other "source", we are all, inevitably, striving for the same outcome, which is to live in communion with God. I do not view God as a punitive God, but rather a God of love and compassion. I imagine that God looks at creation and just scratches his/her head when looking at what a mess we humans have made of such simple concepts. The tenants of almost all religions is the same: Love and Forgiveness. If we could just get that part down, everything else would fall into place.

Here's my confession: As I look back over the last year, I do so with gratitude and thanksgiving. I do so with a peaceful spirit. In looking back, I also look at today and see how far I've come. I breathe this moment, and then it's gone. Such is all of our lives. Our lives are made up of little moments, lived in succession. We don't know if it will be our last, so that's why we should cherish each moment, the now. But, as I look behind, I look forward with hope for what the new year will bring. I look forward with excitement to see friendships grow, for people who have yet to come into my life and for all the experiences which will continue to mold me into the person I am ultimately to become. The year 2008 was, on the whole, a year of positive experiences and growth. Moments of fear, pain, and frustration ultimately led to places of happiness and progress. The truth of today's confession is that I am blessed measure by the people, experiences of my everyday life. True wealth is not measured by bank accounts or possessions. It is measured by the company we keep and the love we give and receive. Thank you for being part of my life this year, and please keep reading!

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

It has been said that Christmas is all in the heart and that home is where the heart is. If those two clichés are indeed true, then I was most certainly home for the holidays. Christmas was not spent with my family of origin. Christmas was, and is, being spent with the family I’ve created for myself-those dear and loving friends I’ve come to love and view as my family.

I haven’t spent a Christmas with my family of origin in six years. To some that may be very sad or even unfathomable. However, to me, it’s just the way things are. And, this year, more than any before, So many things have happened in my life to allow me to expand my family even more. In the coming days as we approach 2009, I will reflect more deeply on the many blessings and changes this year has brought into my life.

Tonight, I pause to reflect on Christmas. I pause to think of my “family”-both my family of origin and my created family. I think of the relationship I have with my family of origin, and it’s difficult to even put into words my thoughts or feelings about them. I was raised by two parents who did the very best they knew how to do to raise me, and I hope, even believe that they are proud of the man they raised. Yet, somewhere along the way, things fell apart. I left the nest and things changed. I changed. They changed. We changed. I don’t know if the relationship will ever be salvaged. I don’t know if, in my heart of hearts, I even want that relationship to be salvaged. Perhaps only time will tell and situations dictate what is to ultimately transpire. I don’t get them, they don’t get me. We were seemingly plopped into the middle of each others' lives and nobody really knew what to do. Maybe that’s just how these things go.

On the other hand, especially this year, I’ve been so fortunate to have had amazing people walk into my life. I’ve lived in Birmingham for nearly eleven years, yet somehow I only started “living” in Birmingham this year. I’ve met so many people who have left indelible marks on my life. I have made some of the dearest friends of my life in the last several months. Sometimes it seems too good to be true—that people actually give a damn about me. But, I guess the truth of the matter is that only in the last year or so have I even started giving a damn about myself. I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to grow beyond the introversion, fears and self-doubt that have, for far too long, held me back.

Christmas Day, 2008 was spent with my family. I spent a couple of hours with Lane, his ex wife and their children. I spent the rest of the day with another friend from my men’s chorus and a group of his friends. It was a very low-key kind of day, but very satisfying to my soul.

Here’s my confession: As I continue to evolve as a person, an individual, I see so many wonderful things happening in my life. I certainly had thoughts about my family of origin on Christmas Day. But it’s the family that I’ve created, the warmth and the love that I receive each and every day from the people I’ve allowed into my life that have touched me most this holiday season.

The Advent and Christmas season this year found me in social situations I would have never in my wildest dreams imagined myself. Yet, it is those situations that have been refining me, molding me and redefining who I am and who I thought I would be. And, in the midst of the tumult of this thing called life, it is from my “family”, that I’ve been given the greatest moments of peace. The journey is far from over. There are many more tomorrows and many more experiences. While I know that people will come and go from my life, be they friends or “partners”, I know that each and every life that touches mine more often than not leaves me in some way better than they found me. That’s something you can’t unwrap on Christmas morning. And the greatest thing you can realize is that, as long as you are surrounded by the people you love, be it physically or just in thought, or a quick phone call or random text message, that you are home. Home IS where the heart is, and I can’t think of a better place to be for the holidays than “home”.

A GIFT OF SONG

It has been several days since I’ve updated my blog, much to my own disappointment. I had planned to update it more often, especially throughout this holiday season. However, the many activities surrounding this season have brought fatigue and procrastination.

A lot of my blog entries float around in my head for several days before they actually are allowed to come to life. This one is certainly no different, and I’ve resolved that I will not go to bed tonight without breathing life into these words.

Over the last few weeks I have been riding a roller coaster of emotion. These last few months of my life have been filled with so many intangible gifts. I’ve received the gift of song, the gift of love and the gift of friends who love me in ways I never expected to be loved.

My own internal homophobia and introversion almost caused me to miss one of the things of which I’m most proud. However, I’m so glad for whatever forces caused me to walk through those doors to that first choir rehearsal with Birmingham’s gay men’s chorus. It is through this group that I’ve blossomed most. I’ve found my voice, friends and a great deal of peace with myself.

Last Thursday night was the culmination of a semester’s work with the Magic City Choral Society as we performed our Holiday Concert. Our sound was absolutely majestic, and one of the crowning moments of my life. If I were to die tonight, I could honestly say I’ve done something I’m proud of and that I’ve been a part of something much bigger than myself. I had several people in the audience that who came to support me. Among those friends were Parker, my ex, along with his boyfriend, Parker’s parents, Truvy and a couple of other people. This gave me an opportunity to invite people who are a huge part of my life into one of the most intimate areas of my life. Never before have I been so proud to be part of a choral ensemble. Never before have I enjoyed performing for the love of song. But this time was different. I knew that what I, along with the other men in the choir, was doing was important. It had worth, value.

Here’s my confession: There are a lot of unanswered questions in my life right now. But, in spite of that, I’m incredibly blessed. Questions will all find their solutions. The beauty is that, as we prepare in the next couple of days for the celebration of Christmas, that the most incredible gifts I’ll receive this year have already been received, and don’t come wrapped in packages with bows. These most cherished gifts are the gifts of love, warmth and friendship. These are the gifts that will continue to give and grow with the dawning of each new day and each new year.

Questions about family, relationships, work, money and so on consume a lot of my time, but the really important place for my focus to be is right here, today, in the present moment, for that is where I find myself surrounded by, both physically and emotionally, people who accompany me along life’s road.

Sure, there are days when I’m not having a mountaintop experience. There are days that the pain and frustration are very real. But, somehow, in the grand scheme of things, the days spent in the valley are more bearable knowing that I’ve been the recipient of so many wonderful gifts. The gift of song, which takes on so many different elements, is present in my life.

I would not be where I am today-a new person, a reinvented person, a person worthy of love, a person open to newness, a person people, it would seem, are proud to associate with. As I often say, the best “things” in life, are rarely “things”. They are the people and experiences that make life worth living. And so it is for me. A gift of song, is a gift of love.

I WONDER AS I WANDER...

Advent is a season of hope, promise and good will. This year, especially, I find that we are truly in need of these three elements in our world. Our bank accounts are tight, our country is at war and we may find that we become more aware of already strained relationships with those we love. Where is the hope, the promise and good will in all of this?

In my own life, I struggle with a home that must sell, familial relationships that have seen better days and a bank account that barely makes ends meet. I struggle with my own hopes, dreams and independence. I fight with insecurities, fears and a few regrets.
I think it's probably natural for us to wonder at times what the grass is like on the other side of the fence. Is it truly greener, or are we better off staying where we are? It's been nearly a year since Parker and I parted ways. I've done a lot of growing in that time, yet I often wonder if I've truly arrived at that place in my life towards which I've been working so hard. I wonder if the life I'm living is truly where I'm supposed to be or if I got off the exit a little too early? I wonder how hope, peace and contentment feel? Are these tangible or ever-elusive? How do I know if I've "arrived"?

Here's my confession: I'm a different person than I was a year ago. The progress has been slow and painful at times, but, at others, and for the most part, it has been intense and rewarding. Yet, I know that I am a work in progress. It would be easy to sit here and complain about the things that I want to change in my life, but, if I'm being truly honest, the good in my life far outweighs any bad. The people and experiences in my life are gratifying beyond measure. As I go through this season of Advent, I pause to reflect on the experiences that have brought me to this moment. I pause, reflecting on how far I've come, but how much farther I have left to go. I know that one day, when the time is right, the house is going to sell, the economy is going to improve and all relationship issues will find resolution. It's as though I'm going through my own personal advent.

GRACE AND GRATITUDE 12.06.08

I often repeat myself each week in my gratitude blog. With that in mind, I’m pausing to look a little more deeply, a little more specifically at the things for which I am most grateful.

As I look back over the week, I am grateful for moments of solitude. I’ve had a few moments of downtime, moments to just spend by myself, to be introspective and attempt to focus on where my life is heading, what I want from life, what paths I need to be taking.

This week, I enjoyed a performance with the Choral Society celebrating Birmingham AIDS Outreach’s Open House. I’m so grateful for the camaraderie I enjoy with my brothers in this amazing group. It is absolutely without a doubt the best thing I have done for myself this year. I’ve grown in countless ways. As we were singing, I realized that I am now an active part of Birmingham’s gay community. It was a humbling and surreal feeling. BAO does such great work for the community. I’m grateful to have a small role in their work, because while I don’t believe that I personally know anyone who has AIDS, I know it is important for these individuals to have a place of refuge and support.

The weather has been very cold these last few days. As I was taking a shower the other morning, the thought came to me as the hot water was flowing down on me, just how very blessed I am be able to take a warm shower, to live in a warm house, to have clothing, shelter, and so many things that are all too easily taken for granted.

I’m grateful for the sacred in my life. As a spiritual person, my beliefs, my ideas and my relationship with my God have gone through a great deal of transition throughout the last few months and years. I’m grateful for the belief that God loves me in spite of the many things in my life that are unanswered spiritually, things that are difficult or the beliefs that I have that go against the commonly accepted “norm”.

Here’s my confession: There’s no way I can possibly step back and deny that I am a blessed individual. There may not be a lot of money in my bank account, but I am wealthy because I have friends who care deeply about me, I have talents which are growing. I’m grateful to continue to be employed and to live in a country where I’m able to enjoy the freedom to live my life. Peace be with you, my friend.

WHERE ARE YOU CHRISTMAS?

We are fast approaching the season of Christmas (to those of you not attune with the liturgical calendar, we are technically in the season of Advent until December 24) . There are choir rehearsals, concerts in which to participate, parties to attend, gifts to purchase, cards to mail and halls to deck. With all the running around, all the festivities of this season, it is almost impossible to settle down and really tap into the well-intended meaning of the season. But, somewhere, deep within, my thoughts are not on Christmas at all, rather they are elsewhere. My thoughts turn introspective, pondering the path my life has taken in the last twelve months, and, most certainly where I am today.

It seems as though almost every thought has something to do with relationships of some sort, money, work, music, and trying to keep my head above water. It's sometimes difficult to find the words to express what's going on in my head. I'm a different person than I've ever been before. I'm accustomed to being an emotionally needy person, but it seems that part of me has changed. As I keep moving forward, I find that I receive much peace and solace in moments of solitude, although I must admit that having a new and exciting family of friends as my social network is something I cherish deeply as well. It is most certainly a balancing act I've yet to master.

I've made strides in recent weeks and months with my family, having established some contact with my aunt and a cousin. Yet, I continually contemplate what type of relationship I really want with my family, especially with my parents. I cannot honestly answer that question. I continue to write and harp on that relationship, but still, it's not simple, not a cut and dried answer. There's an awful lot of grey area in there. Especially at this time of the year, it should be easy to let bygones be bygones and start a new era. Oh, that it were only that easy. The raw truth of the matter is that the Christmases of my childhood will never be again. No matter how close or distant I am to my family, those "perfect" memories I have of the imperfect Christmases Past are just that-memories. I'm sure there'll be more to come in future blogs about family.

Here's my confession: This is a difficult time in the life of our country and its people. We are in an uncertain economic time, a time of political change, and a time of war. It's no wonder many of us are asking the question "Where are you, Christmas? Why can't I find you?" I suppose it takes an effort to be merry and happy when there are so many "things" around us that compete to steal that joy. With all the good in my life-friends, people who love me, a home, etc, etc, etc...I'm just not feeling the spirit of the season yet.

For months I've neglected writing this blog on a regular basis. I find that I need to write it as a catharsis for my soul. My goal is to blog at least four days (hopefully more) each week to get back in the habit as we approach Christmas. Advent is a time of new beginning-especially a new liturgical year-but couldn't that also be extended to a bit of a trial run for new years' resolutions, a time of preparation for Christmas, a time of readying the way for ourselves to approach life with a bit of a different perspective? I could no doubt benefit from that, as I'm sure you can, as well.